Fear is worry; Happiness Is Attitude

"It is not work that kills men but worry. Work is healthy; you can hardly put more on a man than he can bear. But worry is rust upon the blade, it is not movement that destroys the machinery but friction. Hold yourself responsible for a higher standard than anybody else expects of you." Henry Ward Beecher

When we fear, we are defeated. We pay a price for what might  never happen. We waste the present for a conjured up future. We doubt our own ability  for a brighter day. Most of us are too busy living in the future that we have little time to enjoy the present. Measuring ourselves against others is a waste of time. It only encourages despondency. It is not that we cannot measure up to others. It is simply because we perceive an answer that is truly clouded in a shroud of mystery. We are making it up as we go along. We have an others life envisioned in our minds and expanded beyond truth. We pay the price of envy and jealousy by fearing our own inabilities and destroying our own striving towards success. In effect we have given up the fight and surrendered before we began the challenge. It can't be said enough that life is not about winners or losers. Life is striving for complaceny and peacefulness. It's about appreciating what we have and truly be totally happy with what we have. It's recognizing how much we have. Doing an inventory of the people we love and the things we cherish might be a reminder of how blessed and fortunate we really are. Striving to have more spiritually is a greater goal than reaching for more material objects. If one observes those with a tremendous about of objects, one notices that it is never enough and those people are striving for more material items. Does it end? Do we ever feel content? I believe contentment is the essence of success. Those who cherish what they have are happier than those who belive they need more. Wants and needs are two different animals. My father always said don't ever let "things" own you, you should own the things. As soon as you can't do without some item it owns you. If you can let material things go by the wayside, then they don't own you. Our thoughts should be on a higher good and a  higher self. Strive to be a better you and help others to do the same. It's like a boat taking on water. If we work together to empty out the water we'll make it to shore. If we decide we've done enough and that other person over there should do it then we'll  all sink. So what if we worked harder or longer or faster. We all made it safely to shore. Would it have pleased us to see them swallowed up by the water? Of course not we say. Yet we compete and fear losing or not measuring up to another. Trudging through problems together and rejoicing in victories, focusing only on the goal of a happy spirit, unites and brings us a peace and fearless life. It will be a life well spent.

"The game of life is a game of boomerangs. Our thoughts, deeds and words return to us sooner or later with astounding accuracy."  Florence Scovel Shinn

"I have learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our disposition, and not on our circumstances."  Martha Washington

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

The Victory In Relationships

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls. The most massive characters are seared with scars." E.H.Chapin

"Character is the total of thousands of small daily strivings to live up to the best that is in us." Lt. Gen. Arthur Trudeau

Even having the best relationships with family, we still fight to maintain control of our thoughts and feelings. We all want to be number one and second place is never comfortable. I am working on making it satisfying. I remember as a young adult, visiting family at a wedding or gathering. I was always the one to be present  when a relative needed me or needed to talk. My siblings appeared randomly yet they were sought after first. It was hurtful to miss out on the talks because my siblings overshadowed me. They got the attention and big hugs and kisses and the plans to get together. In the meantime I was basically out in the cold and unnoticed. At the next function of course I would be the only attendee and the relatives were glad to see me. Surfice it to say I never received  the attention my siblings received whenever their prescence was made. I understood logically why  they were welcomed so much because they were missed at most of the other get togethers. Like the prodigal son everyone was happy at their momentary return. As much as all of us get the idea of it we still anger inside at our quick displacement. It occurred to me how many times we all do this to each other. We owe a tremendous amount of gratitude  to others yet we disregard the simple things and mundane tasks we receive from them often enough. The excitement of the new arrival makes us disregard the silent dependable person that we easily relegated to the background without any thought. I have been at both ends of it and see some reasons and some dilemmas with it.

We're looking for acknowledgement of who we are from others. We define ourselves through others. We want the quick stamp of approval and yearn to be part of that persons life or group. Because of our own insecurities we must be accepted by others in order to feel worthy. Being so caught up in this leaves us little time to reflect on the many things we should be grateful for and also the many things we take for granted. Again it leaves us all with the notion of focusing on the positive. We are worthy. We are unique. We are defined by what we do for those of us we don't have to do for. We are defined by reaching out to those of us who can't pay us back. It comes back to me that I am striving to accept what I cannot change. Therefore if I am relegated to second or third place in any or all relationships, I must attempt to deal with that. Those that I love have my unconditional love. That means they don't have to earn it. They don't have to indulge or please me. They can hurt my feelings and I will forgive them and continue to love them with my whole heart. It's not about me and my feelings. It's about my unconditional love for them. Do I fall short, yes. Do I come back  for more, yes. Is it woth the effort, yes. Am I improving, yes. Our lives on earth are about learning how to love truly love unconditionally. When we get it and learn it we come to realize everyone is our family. What a wonderful world we would  have or create if that could become a reality.

"Not in the clamor of the crowded street, nor in the shouts or plaudits of the throng, but in ourselves are triumph and defeat."

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

Break The Chains Of Worry And Live Laugh And Love

"When nothing seems to help, I go and look at a stone cutter hammering away at his rock perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred and first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not that blow that did it but  all that had gone before." Jacob Riis
"Life is made of memorable moments. We must teach ourselves to really live...to love the journey not the destination." Ann Quindlen


I think there could be and maybe should be many posts about fear because it consumes a huge part of our lives. We all fear so many things that they are too numerous to count. Let's talk today about fear of our meetings with the relatives. We want the right look, the right words, and to project the right meaning. We worry if our gift is appropriate. We worry about the meaning of the gifts we receive. We fear an other's remarks or jokes or slights. We tense at an other's body language and question an other's mood. Can anyone see  a problem here? We are not in the moment. We  are obviously not enjoying ourselves. We are almost being selfish in a sense because we are so caught up in the relationship another person has with us that we actually miss the reality around us. To question everyone and everything is a distrust. Fear is a distrust no matter what the object or person. If we feel and are enjoying the present then there should be no room for fear. Judgement goes hand in hand with fear.

If everyone chose not to judge another then we might possibly live without our fears. If one thinks they are being judged, fear rises to the surface. Likewise, if we are judgemental, then we most likely expect that others are rating us in some way. Getting  rid of judgements may get rid of our fears. So what if we look older, plumper, poorer, richer, angrier, incompetent, crazy, lost and a zillion other negative attributes. Reflect for a moment. We feel this because we believe others see us like that or will tag us with judgements that we have no control over. If all of us made a pact to stop our judgements of others we could stop fears. That  means that those of us who like to spread gossip and listen to gossip would have to stop and let it go. It's detrimental to the person we are talking about and more detrimental to ourselves.

It's not easy but people might be more relaxed and enjoy those get togetherness more often if they felt no one noticed their extra pounds, extra wrinkles, last year's clothes, gorgeous jewelry, (yes we criticize those with more money) louder voice due to our  frustrations, craziness due to our burdens and tremendous work load, and repetition from our temporary or permanent taxing life of indecision's. We could be ourselves at all times. We would not have to act differently with anyone or at anyplace. maybe some solutions might even come  through for us or by us for another because things would be out in the open and no one would fault us. It is the perfect world of course but if we all attempted a tiny bit, we would be a tiny bit closer to an awesome new world.


"Action conquers fear." Pete Zarlenga

"Each of us will one day be judged by our standard of life, not by our standard of living; by our measure of giving, not by our measure of wealth; by our simple goodness, not by our seeming greatness."  William A. Ward 

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

See the Goal

"Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Probably the most discouraging thing is to repeat mistakes. We all have great intentions of kicking a bad habit or behaving in a different way but many times we resort to the familiar response and again regret our transgression. We beat ourselves up about it after and how our  lack of resolve wasn't strong enough. I am also one of those people who tries again and again to do what I think is right but many times I fail. I at times think I should just forget it because I am incapable of changing but then the old conscious kicks in and begs me to try another attempt  which I do. As I reflect over the years on my attempts I realize that some higher power is at work and that my trials have become more difficult. It is at that moment that I realized that the temptations have had an increase of energy. It then occurred to me that maybe as I passed one trial I have had an increase in intensity. Just  maybe with each baby step of choosing the honorable path, I am encouraged to keep going further in order to perfect my responses. Not sure but it appears that way to me. Of course along the route there are numerous failures too numerous to count. What I am  trying to say is maybe just maybe we are all making progress even when we can't see any movement toward the better. It is never about succeeding on the first second or thousandth time. It's about maintaining the effort to keep trying that counts.

If we do not keep attempting then we'll never succeed. A teeny weensy baby step is worth more than no attempt whatsoever. The message is clear to never give up. We totally lose when we do give up. If we have a temper and yell very loudly then the next time we are a tiny bit less loud than the time before, we have made progress. We may still be yelling quite loudly but the knowledge that  we tried is there with us and a reminder that we are aware of our battles. Isn't half the battle the knowledge that we admit our faults (at least some) and begin to challenge ourselves to alter our behaviors? Stop belittling yourselves. Pat yourself on the back every time you put effort into correcting a fault. Rejoice every time your attempts make even the slightest progress. Rejoice even if you attempted. It's not the destination as  much as the ride to it. You become a better person simply because you made the attempt.

"No one is ever beaten, unless he gives up the fight." W. Beran Wolfe

"The best rosebush after all is not that which has the fewest thorns but that which bears the finest roses." Henry Van Dyke

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

OUR UNIQUENESS DISTINGUISHES OUR IMPACT

"One learns people through the heart, not the eyes or the intellect." Mark Twain


It might sound absurd but most of us hide behind smiles and words. Out of fear most likely or a lack of trust, we keep our true identities hidden. It seems sad that so many of us either don't think another would like us if they knew "what we were really like," or "how we were really feeling." Relationships would be deeper if we could get beyond our doubts and fears. That also means all of us need to stop judging others so that they may feel more secure in releasing their genuine feelings. Strong emotions bring out confusion. We ;might be unsure about what we should do. Others know this and most likely that is why most of our emotions are hidden. We present the smile and expected words of camaraderie. Inside the person may be feeling sad, tortured, sick, depleted, scared, unsure, and afraid to release these thoughts even to close relatives. What have we become? All of us have a wide range of thoughts  and emotions and an even wider range of fears. We leave the party intact along with everyone else and go home feeling alone in our depressing thoughts even more so because everyone else appeared to have a great time. Surprise! Most people at the gathering assumed you were having a great time even though  they were not. If we didn't judge, then we could all let our  hair down. The most even tempered, together person, at times feels lost. We are human. We all have doubts and fears especially because we are making choices every day and facing problems to solve every day. Our decisions don't  always fly well with others yet we know they are the right choices to make. Life is full of doubt fear and pain. Let's turn it around and realize we are triumphant in treading down the difficult path.

It's difficult to accept and deal with challenges and getting older,  It's hard to accept responsibility and blame  and children moving on from our homes. Job loss and diseases and sicknesses and loss are challenging to face. It's okay to acknowledge in our hearts that we may not be as happy as our smile indicates. It's also  okay to enjoy the happy moments that come our way. It does not in any way diminish our feelings about personal issues. It should be okay to mention we are not in top form and at times sad or scared or angry or unhappy. It's like releasing it to the universe and accepting any positive feedback that results from this release. Others may understand us more than we think. We hide but not really. Some things are just mute but understood. We can't be afraid to take off the covers of our true self and we can't be so judgemental that we prevent others and ourselves from doing it. Then when we smile it will be real. We may also smile more because it really is okay to have a whole range of feelings inside of us going through us at the same time. It's okay to be human.

"We only know of one duty and that is to love." Albert Camus

"To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived, this is to have succeeded." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

WHEN ENVY ACTIVATES SUSPICION

"Sometimes our candle goes out,but is blown into flame by an encounter with another human being." Albert Schweitzer


How are your Holidays progressing? As one gets older the Holidays seem to manifest bittersweet memories. We all remember people who were with us at past holidays. We remember a favorite dessert a certain someone loved to eat. We recall one's habits and rituals which bring tears to our eyes. It tortures us to live in the past and it actually deprives us of creating special moments with those we are with at the present point in time. Even though it is difficult, we need to look beyond our hurts and even our desires and gain an inner contentment reflecting on the good things we have and the loving people that  are currently in our lives. We really do have that choice. One can choose to dwell on our injuries or rejoice in our loving relationships. Nobody can go backwards in time. I believe we must allow the pain to slip away on the wings of butterflies.
The present is what is. Pain will always be remembered but reliving it hurts us over and over again. It depletes our energy, confuses our minds, and prevents us from allowing our hearts to open up to the surrounding love. Being whole again is invigorating. Being whole again doesn't mean we forget or block anything away. We simply choose to focus on what is right and beautiful in our lives. If there be one individual or animal that loves us we are blessed. if we can't think of anyone then we can easily search and find another person who would so appreciate having a friend. We are not ever alone unless we choose it. Let go of the fear of the unknown. Let go of the fear of embracing  something knew. Sometimes when we observe others having a great time at a gathering, we wish we could be some of those people. What we see is not always reality.

 Many of us at times feel alone in our hurts even amongst a crowd of people. It can become easy to feign happiness. Step into your life and embrace it with open arms. See beyond your doubts, jealousies and fears. Never give up. Never give up. It's just at the moment when you feel the worst, that things might just change for the better. We do have to help ourselves. So open your heart to others and don't fear the unknown. Seriously count your blessings. You might be surprised at how many there are.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain." Vivian Greene

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

Break Down Emotional Barriers

"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." Rick Tate

I just need to say I am opened for suggestions or  questions. I have been voicing my opinions and would like to have input from others. I don't have all of the answers but I like to look at every problem and situation and come up with a positive helpful solution because I personally think negativity promotes frustration anger and more negativity. Even if our solutions  to a problem are different, by providing a positive look we are focusing more on a truce or compromising answer. I am not always big on compromising but I'm beginning to understand that peace is awesome and comes through compromise. We can still have our own ideas about something and hold on to those ideas unless they hurt others. Even if we don't convince another towards our way of thinking, at least we can throw  out our thoughts and reflections. By doing so in a compromising unoffensive manner,  we allow others the opportunity  to view and ponder our ideas. if we fight for what we perceive as right we alienate others and they shut down before we can even provide our thoughts to them. I would venture to say that patience is the key to listening and compromising. Maybe we give 60% and another gives 40. The next time we might only need to give 90 while another gives 10. I think that is how we come to solve problems without their being a winner or a loser which is really the real reason we don't like to admit we might be wrong about something. Life is more about learning and moving forward with a greater repertoire than we had the day before. it's not about diminishing others in the process.

"People will not bear it when advice is violently given. Even if  it is well founded. Hearts are flowers, they  remain open to the softly fallen dew, but shut up in the violent downpour of rain." John Paul Richter

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

A positive approach is to search inward not outward

"No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars, or sailed to an enchanted land, or opened a new doorway for the human spirit." Helen Keller


Was the  holiday expressive or repressive? We survived it. It would be nice if we could say we enjoyed it and I am now convinced I can say it. I focus on my attitude and not the attitude of others. If someone tries to draw me into a controversial discussion I do not take the bait. Sometimes people are just in an honory mood so I keep my distance until it is safe. Did you ever notice as I have that when I am in a bad mood I  tend to take it out on the same person. It seems to happen that some person is most likely the recipient of our anger if they are nearby. Of course if they are not it leaves us with finding another. It proves to me that lots of times my anger might be unjustified and the result of my own mood. I am beginning to feel guilty now if I  upset others and cause a domino effect. It makes me think aout causing a more positive effect. To think how many times I have caused my own terrible holiday experience makes me want to chew out myself. Now I prepare.

I remember to ignore remarks that may not hold the meaning I think they hold. I put myself in another's shoes and think about why they are frustrated and being mean. I overlook another's quick temper and mark it off as a possible disagreement with another, or trouble at their place or employment or withing their own homes. I don  not want the responsibility of another's bad mood to cause me a miserable holiday. I also do not want to be swallowed up into their issues. I want to enjoy the happy moments because many times  they are not often enough. More holidays are on the way and really I believe we can make of them what we want. I for one do not want to make them miserable for myself  or others, nor do I want to create a problem with another human being which will torment me far beyond the holiday. The choice is mine.

"Life offers no guarantees...just choices;no certainty...but consequences;no predictable outcomes...just the privilege of pursuit." Tim Connor

"He climbs highest who helps another up." George Matthew Adams

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

How to stop jealousy and heal pain

"Shallow men believe in luck Strong men believe in cause and effect." Ralph Waldo Emerson


Everyone might register a trace of jealousy. Even though it might always be present, we can keep it under restraint. All of us struggle to balance our lives. We can presume that on the surface others have life easier. But all of us struggle. Some hard the labor of their lives better than others and some complain less. the grind is enduring for all. Supporting each other as well as managing the jealous tendency's, can make life so much easier. praise and gratefulness go a long  way in healing pain, frustration and envy. praising another actually releases our envy. It can evaporate our insecurities and allow us to see  the good qualities in another without making ourselves feel diminished. Our talents are real we need to recognize them. We don't need to be someone else or live in an other's shoes. When we break down the walls we create for ourselves  we allow ourselves permission to like and love others as well as accepting their love.

"Happiness is not a when or a where; it can be a here and now. But until you are happy with who you are you will never be happy because of what you have." Zig Ziglar

"Caring about others, running the risk of feeling and leaving an impact on people, brings happiness." Rabbi Harold Kushner

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

THE EFFECTIVENESS OF COMPLIMENTS

"Envy is a symptom of lack of appreciation of our own uniqueness and self-worht. Each of us has something to give that no one else has." Elizabeth O'Connor


A person relishes promising comments and praise of their child or themselves. This helps to create bonds of friendship and goodwill with your siblings-in-law. The end result likely is an ally and a pal you can confide in. Compliments stimulate greater achievement. They also place negativity into the background where it belongs. Seeing a gas tank half full instead of half empty encourages one to continue forward rather than stopping or worse backing up. If we feel better when we hang out with certain people, it makes us want to hang out with them all the more or at the very least we look forward to a sharing time with them. competition is a start to jealousy and envy. If we don't measure up it leaves us angry and or defeated. We might also resent the other person or want to beat them at something. If we thought long and hard about the negative energy it took us to calm down we would skip it I'm sure. The alternative is to let it eat away at our stamina and nerves and contribute to health problems. At times we create our own dilemma. When we get up in  the morning, do we see the same person as the day before? We haven't changed. We are special unique and one of a kind. We have qualities no one else has. We  do things to help others we might not even know that we did. Any interaction with another person might offer more to that person than we will ever find out. If we were not the to wait on them or help them or greet them, they might never have been lifted out of their depressing mood. When we help others we help ourselves. We can all start with out own families and friends. Why make life more difficult by causing more strife. One compliment can carry a person further than a feather dropped from a high building on a windy day. Enjoy the compliments  others give to you and don't be stingy with your compliments.

"In marriage, with children at work, in any association-an ounce of praise of sincere appreciation of some act or attribute can very often do more than a ton of fault-finding. If we look for it we can usually find in even the most unlikely unlikable and incapable person something to commend and encourage. Doubtless it is a human frailty but most of us in the glow of feeling we have pleased
want to do more to please and knowing we have done well want to do better." Anonymous

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

Actions That Avoid Conflict.

"What you dislike in another take care to correct in yourself." Thomas Spratt
"Our greatest glory consists not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." Oliver Goldsmith


Insecurity breeds contempt for any kind of boastful comment. Every time a sibling or sibling-in-law shares the most recent event in her young or older child's life does not mean he or she is boastful. Size is not better. Learning is not intelligence. Athletic ability is not valor or prowess. Beauty never denotes inner quality. Why then do we fret? We cannot be insecure in our own hearts. Pitting siblings or grandchildren against each other creates animosity and tension. Stop self-doubt. Each of us holds the potential for greatness. Maybe if we respond with a simple reply of acknowledgement to the parent, we will avoid confrontation, "a who is greater match", and making a memory we'd rather forget.  Viewing each other in a more vulnerable way just might help us to accept the person while understanding each others striving to simply be. While at your holiday gathering, look for and enjoy the good of the moment.

"The hardest thing for any young couple to learn is that other parents have perfect children also."
Herbert Prochnow

"All kids are gifted, some just open their packages earlier than others." Michael  Carr

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

Steps That Light The Right Road

"We can grow by our questions as well as by our answers."
"Our words are seeds planted in other people's lives." John Mason

Hi
Stop to reflect how we at times set up our  own competition. If we begin boasting about our accomplishments or  those of our children we set the wheel in motion. It may not be our siblings or mother or mother-in-law that begins the game. Simple factual information is more appreciated and  recognized than an onslaught of The boss praised me the other day for ............. If we have been refraining from competition then you may just get a few compliments. If you don't receive any attention then I would ponder the sadness of anothers life at that moment that they cannot ring themselves to praise you due to their position in life at the moment. If we have nothing to give, how sad is that. Feel sorry for them instead of jealous. If your the one never finding it in your heart to compliment another think about when it is your turn for honor why others are not as enthusiastic. It takes a very big person to praise and honor another regardless of what is going on in their own lives. It is easy to be happy for another when we think we are better than they are. It takes dignity and a sense of self-worth to praise others even when our own lives may be falling apart. When a person comments about how large their child is or how tall, it makes me wonder if I  missed something. Is tall better than short or is large better than small? Are blue eyes better than brown or dark hair better than light? Where do these notions come from? I think maybe I should think about how many times I have compared and thus started a competition and I didn't even think  about it.

"It requires less character to discover the fault of others than to tolerate them."J. Petit Senn

"Reputation is what men and women think of us; character is what God and angels know of us." Thomas Paine

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

The Secret Of Successful Listening

"The degree of one's emotion varies inversely with one's knowledge of the facts. The less you know the hotter you get." Anonymous

Hi
The third pitfall to avoid is misconstruing what others say. If one doesn't then it may place us as close to a disaster in a relationship as anyone  could get. Many times we misinterpret what others say and flavor the words with our own ideas. This obviously haunts us and leads our minds down roads that we were never meant to travel. Our feelings take over because we assume it is all about us. Words can hurt us. If we question what is said it allows for discourse and understanding although an other's motives for the dialogue may still appear as secretive. One idea I use to keep from traveling  down the "Do Not Enter" road, is to think about other reasons a person might be moody, sad, angry or out of sorts. The couple may be quarreling. They may have problems at their jobs. They may have issues with their children or spouses family. These problems may have nothing to do with us but they may  not want to discuss these things with others not involved. Most of us think we hide our feelings and moods from others but many times our feelings are shining through for everyone to see. The only thing that is missing is that others don't know why we are angry or sad. They wonder if they caused our ill mood. The challenge for all of us is to refrain from feeling guilt and come to the  knowledge  that many other happenings in a person's life reflect their mood swings. These happenings are too numerous to mention. Most of the time we are not causing an other's emotions. If we are, then we should know what we did.
"Thus each person by his fears, gives wings to the rumor and without any real source of apprehension men fear what they themselves have imagined." Lucan

With that said I would venture to say stop blaming yourself for other people's attitudes.

"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended, and not to take a hint when a hint isn't intended." Robert Frost

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

Avoid Holiday Problems

"People love others not  for what hey are, but for how they make us feel."  Irwin Federman

Hi
Mothers-in-law who encourage any type of competition might possibly find it can influence the closeness of their children. The result may be a competitive relationship amongst their children. Downplaying competitive behavior allows for a more supportive kind of connection to develop. None of us will discuss our  mistakes or trials to another person that we view as a competitor rather than a supporter. We then lose the chance of gaining support and encouragement. Losing  does not always spur a person to try harder. Many times it makes us to recoil and give up. Spending time  with relatives becomes tedious and stressful. If we support one another we are happy to see each other and look forward to helpful discourse. Parents should begin  right from the beginning wih their children to make an effort of refraining from comparisons of  any kind including who walked talked and toilet trained first. After all we are looking for harmony joy and pleasant rewarding and memorable times together as children and adults.


"Constant kindness can accomplish much. As the sun makes ice melt kindness causes misunderstanding, mistrust and hostility to evaporate."  Albert Schweitzer

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

Avoid Sibling competitiveness

"Man's mind, once stretch by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions." Oliver Wendell Holmes

Competing with siblings or siblings-in-law creates a no-win situation. Being right or wrong is not as important as how well every one's sense of worth remains intact. Maintain your self-confidence, and be cognizant of the vulnerability in others. Words spoken from the tips of tongues are not profound deliberations. Many times they are in anger, retaliation, revenge or simply a bad attitude or mood. If one attempts to stop the competition, every try is a step in the right direction towards tolerance and peace. Competition promotes anger frustration and feelings of revenge while compromise evokes friendship and cooperation. I'll help you and you'll help me attitude. I will strive for the latter. Memories of the day will be so much more  enjoyable and cherished by all.

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes."
Marcel Proust

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

Build Your Confidence; Get Rid Of Your Fear

"Fear is a disease that eats away at logic and makes man inhuman." Marian Anderson

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction." Albert Einstein

I believe that in all of our relationships we allow fear to enter. This fear causes us more pain than we need to assume or experience. Most of our pain is of our own creation. Husbands and wives doubt each others love or motives. Friends feel let down when their expectations of us are not met. Family members have the greatest burden next to  spouses. We expect so much more from them and become inevitably disappointed and pained as well as angry when they don't meet our expectations. In all of this we must question our fear of loss. We prefer to keep our friend to ourselves. Sharing might find our friend enjoying another's company more than our company. Husbands and wives are jealous at times  when another person might interact with their significant other. Spouses also question each others desire to spend time with any other friend or relative or activity. Siblings resent each others pleasure with friendships while they ignore each other. Mothers-in-Law and Daughters-in-Law fear losing their son/husband. In all of this the main idea is that none of us care if another has a good time. What we fear is the loss of time and affection from  someone we love and care about. If we can put our fear aside, our negative feelings would disappear. This is easily said than done. Although facing unwarranted fears can help us to begin to question our own motives of fear. In the end we all want company and fear being alone. Fear is probably the culprit of many disagreements, yet it is most likely never observed at the source. Question our fears. Put them to rest. Most of the time it is wasted energy.

"You can't change the past but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future." Anonymous

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

Keep Thoughts Like A Warm Breeze On A Summer Day

"Watch your THOUGHTS, they become  WORDS. Watch your WORDS, they become ACTIONS. Watch your ACTIONS, they become HABITS. Watch your HABITS, they become CHARACTER. Watch your CHARACTER, it becomes your DESTINY."  Fran Outlaw

Has anyone ever felt like they were floundering? useless? defeated? My thoughts exactly. I started wondering why we get to that point. We worry about what we do because people might misinterpret it. We worry about what we say because it might not register the way we meant it. We worry about what everyone else said and did because we reflect on what they meant by it all. Our thoughts  make us worry. I decided it was time to control my thoughts. I'm not perfect. You're not perfect. We need to stop putting so much pressure on each other. I'm going to accept that what you said or did was meant in the best of intentions even if it came out all wrong and caused me pain. I'll accept that you had a bad day or week or month or even year. I'll accept that you were dealing with family or health issues. I'll accept that you haven't yet learned to let the small stuff float away. I hope in all of this we will always be good friends or good family members.

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend."  Albert Camus

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

Get Rid Of Your Passive Aggression

"Life is simply time given to man to learn how to live. Mistakes are always part of learning. The real dignity of life consists in cultivating a fine attitude towards our own mistakes and those of others."
Anonymous

Hi I heard from a couople of MIL's. One stated how her son had asked her over to look at his latest work done on the house. Apparently her DIL was not aware. The MIL took the brunt of the anger through passive aggression. Her DIL never looked at her when she was talking herself or when her MIL was talking. She smiled a forced smile but was quick  with  her moves and stiff with her body language. MIL or DIL as well as people in general are guilty of passive aggression. If we think we cover it up we don't. We get the message across to others bluntly. The victim is at our mercy. If the victim complained the aggressor would deny what they were doing and state nothing could be further from the truth. The victim in a sense would become the complainer and one who imagines they are being shunned. We all know when we are getting the proverbial "Cold Shoulder". What do we achieve by doing this to another? We hurt the person at the receiving end. It is demeaning and usually from what I hear, the receiver is confused and trying to figure out why they are a target. Maybe we assume too much. We think they have done something that they most likely didn't do but we make them  guilty until proven innocent. Sometimes we can't prove our innocence. If we simply look for the best in others and assume they are never deliberately trying to hurt us, we all might thrive a lot better. Sometimes it seems that the people who think others are guilty of  saying or doing something negative to them are the people who are doing these things themselves. If we live our lives complaining about others and talking about others and perpetuating a "Cold Attitudes" towards them, it's time to ask ourselves if we are the guilty party. We all will play many roles in our lives. Remembering this should help us to live a more honorable life. A small hurt may hurt another and affect them for the rest of the day or week. In the same way a small gesture of kindness without attitude, may cheer a person for a day or a week. We always have the choice not only to increase our happiness but  the happiness of others.

"How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and the strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these." George Washington Carver

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

Why Things Backfire

Hi
"Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted."
Aldous Huxley

One MIL complained that her once excellent relationship with her DIL was becoming strained.  Her DIL, who had just had a baby, was planning on going back to work immediately. The MIL couldn't understand this because she stated, her DIL had waited and tried for years to get pregnant. She didn't have to work and chose to return. What came of many discussions was that her DIL had a childhood devoid of a father. Her father died suddenly and her mother had to work to make ends meet. They were poor but managed. The young woman never forgot her childhood years and just couldn't bring herself to give up what she considered to be her security. The two agreed to disagree and renewed their relationship. I think there are many points to this story. Many of us judge things without having all of the facts. How we grew up, what we were taught, the barriers we construct as well as our viewpoints, trials, tribulations and differentiations are momentous. Tolerance understanding patience and time breaks down the walls. It produces knowledge which will allow us to accommodate our differences and move forward.
Our judgements and conclusions can be so far from the mark. We all might reach the same end and learn the same lessons but in a variety of ways. The MIL believed and rightly so that being there for her children twenty four seven was a good thing. The DIL believed and rightly so that making sure she and her child would never go hungry was a good thing. It boils down to love. If love enters into our decisions we can't ever be goofing off track. If we are, the love always boomerangs back to us and helps us get things straight.

"If you want to get the best out of a person you must look for the best that is in him." Bernard Haldane

"Three billion people on the face of the earth go to bed hungry every night, but four billion people go to bed every night hungry for a simple word of encouragement and recognition." Cavett Robert

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

Viewing The Forest Instead Of The Tree

"We live in deeds not years, in thoughts , not breaths; In feelings. not in figures on a dial. We should count time by heart throbs. He most lives who thinks the most-feels the noblest-acts the best." Philip James Bailey

This is a topic that would allow us to go on for months and possibly years. Many of us would be shocked to realize we are ever guilty of ungratefulness. None of us does it on purpose or plans it. It just happens. It happens too frequently nowadays. If we could take a look at the small things that go by unnoticed, it might help us to catch a view of the larger things. A simple thing like holding a door is loaded with kindness. We just need to pay better attention to these small acts of kindness which not only bring comfort to us but satisfaction to the person displaying the kindness.

"Graciousness is more than good manners. It is more than courtesy. It is the etiquette of the soul. True graciousness has such a divine quality we feel it is something that comes through us and not from us." Fred Smith

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

Sowing The Seeds For Success

"Happiness is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it will elude you. But if you turn your attention to other things, it comes and softly sits on your shoulder." Nathaniel Hawthorne

During some recent difficult days, I had a lot of time to think and reflect. I realized that as the saying goes, stop to smell the roses, is undoubtedly true. When we are forced to stop for a moment our greatest reflections come to the forefront of our minds and remind us just what it is we are doing with our lives. Do we spend it being jealous or envious of others? Do we spend it attempting to get even for the wrongs another did to us? Do we spend it making money or fame? None of these things make us happy. Revenge will leave us empty and disgusted with ourselves. Fame and fortune will find us friends who will leave us as quickly as they came. Happiness is inner and comes  from the contentment of our own lives. We really need to dwell  on the positive things in our lives. To do this we must slow down and "Smell the coffee or the flowers" It might just change our focus towards something that is more worthwhile or inspiring. As the saying goes if you are handed lemons make lemon juice. See those around you  as innocent. View any comments or actions as unintentional. It brings peace of mind and allows the potentially guilty party to possibly reflect on their comments or actions and regret and have a change of heart. Either way our mind and  body are at peace.

            I knew one MIL and DIL who were having trouble communicating. Exasperated one day the MIL said to me how frustrating it was to discuss anything with her DIL. She mentioned the many times she asked her DIL to lunch but was always shot down with a negative reply and excusse. She felt hated by her DIL and began avoiding her. I happened to run across the DIL one day and asked how her MIL was faring. She immediately and sheepishly replied she hadn't seen much of her lately. Because she appeared to be saddened rather than happy or angry I pursued to question her why that was so. She stated how she enjoyed her MIL's company but that her own mother resented any time she spent with her MIL. This caused her to feel guilty every time she enjoyed her MIL's company. I gently encouraged her to maintain a relationship with her MIL. It was healthy and in no way diminished her reltionship with her own mother. I told her how wonderful were the moments I spent with my own DIL's. Her face sort of lit up and she resolved to think about what I had said. I'm not sure how it all worked out but I am sure of how we manage to influence others in a negative rather than a positive way.

"In your hands you hold the seeds of failure or the potential for greatness. Your hands are capable but they must be used and for the right things to reap the rewards you are capable of attaining. The choice is yours." Zig Ziglar

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

Steering Around Holiday Potholes

"The game of life is a game of boomerangs. Our thoughts ,deeds, and words return to us sooner or later with astounding accuracy." Florence Scovel Shinn

Holidays remind us of past memories, which can be both good and bad. Keep the present holidays central, and be thankful to  share it with people you love. Each holiday is unique. It is not possible or necessary to repeat a holiday experience. Embrace each holiday with a renewed spirit. Be fair when dividing your Holiday time between families. It might not be possible to spend your holidays with your children. Share memories throughout the year with those you care about and forget what the calendar says. A vacation spent with the grandchildren is just as wonderful as a Holiday time gathering. This quiet time over the summer may be more enjoyable and have less stress. Everything and everybody changes. We can always hope for the best in these changes. Change avoids stagnation. Attempt to keep some traditions but be accepting of the new traditions. Happy, positive outlooks add to the mood of a holiday get-together. Nix the negative and promote the positive. You will always be a sought after member of the family.

"Each of us will one day be judged by our standard of life, not by our standard of living; by our measure of giving, not by our measure of wealth; by our simple goodness, not by our seeming greatness." William Arthur Ward

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

On Reflection, Maybe The Gift Was Thoughtful.

"Kindness is more important than wisdom, and the recognitiion of this is the beginning of wisdom." Theodore Isaac Rubin
Stepphanie loved to cook. Her MIL hated to cook. Often Steph invited her MIL to dinner because she enjoyed how much her  MIL appreciated good food. Her MIL, Karen especially loved and would comment on Steph's  bread. One holiday Steph decided to buy a bread machine for her MIL. She could  hardly wait for her MIL to open the gift. Upon opening the gift, her MIL was extremely  dissappointed and appeared to be offended. Her MIL just stated Steph should keep the machine or return it because it wasn't something she would use. Steph was now offended herself  and the once strong bond of affection was strained. Both  women retreated to their own thoughts.
After a few days they talked. Karen said she understood that Steph would like her to start making her own bread so she didn't depend on Steph's invitations to dinner. Karen also explained that Steph should understand how much she hated to cook and would thus never use the machine.
Steph stated that she knew  how much Karen loved homemade bread and she wanted her MIL to enjoy it whenever she wanted without waiting for an invitation to dinner from Steph. Stephanie also explained that she was aware how much Karen hated to cook and she thought the machine was a compromise. It wasn't like homemade bread but it was better than store bought bread. Steph finished with how the machine was easy to use.
Both women were so surprised at the confusion the gift had caused. Don't measure the gift in terms of love. Many husbands have royally failed. One of my  husband's first gifts to me was a recipe card holder. I have told him many times he was lucky I went through with marrying him.
It will help at holiday time to think about the gifts of time that others have given. It is a much more valuable gift, and besides, isn't love unconditional?

"That best prtion of the good man's life- his little namelessness, unremembered acts of kindness and of love." Wadsworth

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

How To Stop Self-Destructive Behavior

"Using guilt as a tool to coerce your son or husband diminishes growth in relationships. Your son/husband possesses the capacity to love both his wife and his mother."

I was at a park the other day and overheard a DIL ripping her father-in-law to shreds. Her acquaitence appeared to be the unwilling victim as she tried to diminish every incident the woman discussed. In between her anger the angry woman mentioned that she was at the moment living with her in-laws because she was having a house built. She also mentioned that she'd lived with them before when pregnant with her,  first child because of the painting being done at her house. In all of this it never occurred to her that the house of her in-law's had been opened to her  and her husband and their two children for as long as they needed. Her MIL was barely mentioned which I would say was a good thing. If we only see our side of any situation, we will never find the truth. It's never easy to live with anyone without having some disagreements from time to time. Living with ones' in-laws may open a can of worms. On the other hand one must observe the situation in its entirety. If you are saving money, time aggravation, you are well ahead of the situation. To accept with dignity, the small irritations which only become huge when one dwells on them too long, is a necessity. The  rewards outweigh the minor failings. I say this all the time, but put yourself in another's shoes. The in-laws may not be relishing the situation any more than you are and to boot, they are not gaining any appreciation in the matter. Most likely they are doing it becasue they love their son and his family. It doesn't mean they are  not totally inconvenienced themselves. Making the best of a situation as well as perceiving the gains and benefits to our children and family in general will cancel out problems. Life is made easier when we come to realize the world is not about me. There is a world of me's. Look for the positive and be happy or see only the negative and be miserable. The choice is always our own. What will you choose today?

"The core jproblem is not that we are too passionate about bad things, but that we are not passionate enough about good things." Larry Crabb

"Gratitude conserves the vital energies of a person  more than any other attitude tested." Hans Selve

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

The Most Important Step You Can Take

Hi
 I began this mother=in-law daughter-in-law investigation years ago and have continued my research. It was amazing to find the issues are the same for every generation. One item that keeps cropping up is communication and interpretation. We all have a dilemma with those. We miscommunicate to others and or misinterpretate what others say to us. MIL's and DIL's do this to each other. With some people we easily work it out but with in-laws we get nervous and shy away. MIL's must step back and realize the playing field has changed. To continue the relationship with their son and his family, she must not interfere with advice. What she thinks is helpful hints may be interpreted by her DIL as interference. The DIL's must understand that for many years MIL was her son's consultant and he trusts her. MIL needs time to accept the changes and DIL should refrain from any judgments for a short while. DIL is privy to the families problems but without the long history of love intertwined.  Time gives the DIL more confidence and the MIL more patience and self-control. Shutting each other out immediately will deprive both women of a multitude of love and support  in the years to come. The women have so much more in common than the realize.

My reflection for Mothers-in-law is, Pay to have certain jobs done if you can afford the money. It will save your son and daughter-in-law aggravation and an abundance of time. Appreciate any jobs they do for you.
My DIL reflection, Appreciate your mother-in-law's busy life when she declines to babysit, and appreciate her even more  when she does babysit.

"The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated." William James

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

Have An Attitude Of Gratitude

"Gratitude conserves the vital energies of a person more than any other attitude tested." Hans Selye

Everyone has those days when nothing goes the way you planned.Wasn't sure which way I was headed but I needed to get my sense of security back. I believe it is days like these that we are thankful for the beautiful people in our lives. They bring love kindness stability and a sense of belonging. This is awesome especially when one needs the added boost. Don't mean to ramble but those who have ever found themselves floundering might relate to this blog. I'm thankful for family and friends who grab me and place my feet back on the  ground. Thanks also to my fire friends daughter and daughters-in-law. All MIL need to give a hug and a quick thank you to their daughters and their daughters-in-law. I am so thankful for my sons and son-in-law. Try to always be thankful for what you have because it makes it easier to simply forget about what's missing. Nothing takes the place of people love.

"The core problem is not that we are too passionate about bad things, but that we are not passionate enough about good things."  Larry Crabb

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

Have CourageTo Stop, Sit, And Listen

"Reputation is what others think about you; character is what God knows about you. Adrian Rogers

Independence can mean different things to a variety of people. This liberty is vital and necessary. Regarding the MIL and DIL it allows one to accept help when one needs it and to refuse it when a person doesn't want aid. We all have capacities and talents. If we trust ourselves and have confidence, we recognize at times, the need to acquiesce to another so as not to decimate their independence. Even if certain ideas are more appealing or are proven to be better, silence may be our best ally. We can't push our ways onto another. We can be right and we can be wrong because we are independent of another. Security and confidence produces a kindness sprinkled with patience. We have nothing to prove. When we have the need to make a point or win an argument we are less confident full of anxiety due to our inner feelings of inadequacies. It doesn't mean we are lacking at all. It does exhibit a need for inner contemplation and a sense of questioning why we feel inferior. Being wrong is a learning experience and diminishes us in no way. Being right engages a moment of praise and nothing beyond. Pride can be more destructive in the long term than failure is in the short term. It may take courage to speak against the crowd but it really does take more courage to keep ourselves quiet and to listen. Tomorrow  is another day with more opportunities to show what we are. Reputation is others' opinion of you. God knows what we truly are. What do you think is more important?

"Not in the clamor of the crowded street, not in the shouts and plaudits of the throng, but in ourselves are triumph and defeat." Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

Thoughtful Interactions Are Obligatory

"There are two ways of exerting one's strength: one is pushing down, the other is pulling up."

Mothers-in-Law and Daughters-in-Law need to tread carefully when dealing with control versus diplomacy. Our needs obviously prioritize our choices. These choices should not suppress or deprive the necessities of others. Consideration of humanity obliges us to reflect on the needs and wants of others. Manipulation can be powerful in controlling another. Resolutions are attainable with reasoning and logic, as well as consideration of others. Final solutions do not guarantee complete satisfaction, but they  might feasibly assure understanding and placation. Using guilt as a tool to coerce your son/husband lowers his effectiveness, concentration, and production. Never forget, the man loves you both.

"The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious  of none." Thomas Carlyle
Remember,"You can't be a smart cookie if you have a crummy attitude." John Maxwell

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

Many Reasons It's Good To Be Disliked

"Life has taught me that it is not for our faults that we are disliked and even hated, but for our qualities." Bernard berenson
It is a  quote worth digesting. There is more truth to these words than we would like to believe. Whenever one tries to act divinely, she is shot down because it makes others question her motives. It also makes others feel like they are less of a person. It's time to recognize our own uniqueness. If we are in the prescence of a kind person, it shouldn't demean us but raise us up. Each of us has the capacity to lift another. We can't always be in top form. Those times when we need help let us lean on another. Likewise when the other  person needs help, it is our turn to do the uplifting. We are not in any competition. We have never been in a contest. It really is okay to support each other, be happy for another's happiness, and exhibit empathy for another's sorrows. As they say, we're all in the soup together. At times MIL and DIL's need each other. If they remember they have  more in common, it will allow them to recognize a similar spirit in each other. Everyone one of us wakes up with less sleep than we wanted, more aches and pains and burdens that are almost beyond carrying. If we met a stranger who poured out their heaart about their loads and pressures, we would sympathize and come to the person's aid. We muse recognize the inner self of those close to us. Look hard and find something good in your MIL or DIL. Focus on that only. Skip dwelling on what you don't like.

"Is there one word which may serve as a rule of practice for all one's life? The Master said is not Reciprocity such a word? What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others." Confucius

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

Guilt's Power Is Stress Producing

Every day, when you wake up, think about all the wonderful things you should be thankful for. I am as guilty as anyone for finding issues that annoy me. I lose my patience too many times due to silly little things. After reflecting on this I realized I have so much happiness in my life. It occurred to me that it was time to dwell on the positive and let the negative flow out of the mind. In the scheme of things, most of the irritating issues are minor. People are major. If I alienate people I create added stress and anxiety to my life.  The next day I regret any harsh words I spoke. Of course I can’t explain why I spoke them. We all have such situations. Irritations build up as well as obligations. Our minds have trouble keeping everything straight. When some random or not so random person places the last straw on our backs we explode. This can be a mild explosion but if it creates disharmony, it is sad. Most of us want to get along but find it difficult when we are burdened with all of the pressures of life. We may at times believe we are carrying most of the load at home and or at work. We might also feel we are keeping friendships going and working hard for our families with little return. All I can say is that there really is return in the knowledge that you have been doing a successfully great job nurturing and caring for the family. We start in pre-school and end up passing high school and maybe college. We wonder at how we got there. It’s the same with life. When we work hard at something in the end the finished product makes us smile. The important thing is to know what is important and quit judging the items that don’t really matter. Relax and get along. Life is easier, more comforting and filled with more people who care and support you. As they say live love laugh and I say forgive and definitely forget. Count your blessings.

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” Mark Twain

“Our greatest glory consists not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” Oliver Goldsmith

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

Get Rid Of Regret Once And For All

Hi All
How much confusion we all create in our own lives through our thoughts, fears and jealousies. We sometimes we see things that are not really there, or interpret what is said or done in a way it was never meant to be interpreted. This causes pain and frustration in any relationship. Our anger takes over our reason and we make a situation worse than it originally was. Minds tend to wander and negatively impact spoken words and actions. Harsh words render the spirit crushed and mangled. Tempers flair as well as egos. We cut our spouse or sibling or in-law down to size and walk away triumphantly. Later we regret what we said and did. This scenario is played again day after day with various other people. It leaves us tense unsure and sometimes very confused about the path to follow. Changing our attitudes and cutting another person some slack as well as refraining from nasty retorts the next time might just alter a relationship.

"The degree of one's emotion varies inversely with one's knowledge of the facts. The less one knows the hotter you get." Anonymous

All of us have our good days and bad. We have moments of insight and inspiration as well as times of defeat and roadblocks. What we can't do is displace our anger onto another person, on our down days. Don't let others cause you to become enraged. You always have the choice to depart or change the subject. We have our own power of free will and can alter the course of a losing situation. We don't walk in another 's shoes and can't comprehend what they feel or think. They also can't comprehend what we feel or think. Our experiences are varied as are our defeats and accomplishments. We can't judge another with our ruler of measurement any more than they can measure us with their ruler. Reflect deeply about what you say before you say it. At what cost will your disparaging remarks deplete the goodness in your heart?

"In marriage, with children, at work, in any association-an ounce of praise of sincere appreciation of some act or attribute, can very often do more than a tom of fault finding. If we look for it, we can usually find in even the most unlikely unlikable and incapable person, something to commend and encourage. Doubtless it is a human frailty. But most of us, in the glow of feeling we have pleased. want to do more to please and knowing we have done well want to do better." Anonymous

Remember, "speak when you are angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret." Lawrence J. Peter

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

The Give And Take In Any Relationship

Hi all
If you have any thoughts you would like  to share I'd love to hear them. I spent some time with my DILs over the weekend. I really appreciate the time and effort they  give to me. I feel like I have increased my support group. I know they are pleased when I can help out with babysitting. I believe it is always a give and take in any relationship. There are times when we think we are giving 95%. We might just be right about that. Just wait a little bit and you will discover you are in need of the 95% and the tables turn. I don't believe in keeping track of kind deeds. When we care we don't keep a tally. My philosophy is if I can do something for someone I do it, no strings attached. Whenever I am the recipient of a kind deed I consider myself fortunate, but I don't ever feel that I must reciprocate. It is easier for us to get along with friends because we never expect them to do anything. We are pleased when they do something for us. With family we expect so much and we are disappointed when it doesn't happen. Time to appreciate any small nice service done for us. Time to think about doing something for others without expecting a return. This will please all of us tremendously, and disappoint nobody. 


"The greatest tragedy in America is not the great waste of natural resources- though this is traagic; the biggest tragedy is the waste of human resources because the average person goes to his grave with his music still in him." Oliver Wendell Holmes

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

Do Something Difficult; Calmly Face The Problem

It is easy to give up, get angry and walk away from a difficult situation. It takes courage and strength of character to face it and make it better.

"How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it?" Marcus Aurelius
"We can't choose our relatives, but we can choose our thoughts-which influence us much more" Anonymous

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

Delete Your Tallies

The trouble with relationships is we hide so much of our feelings. That is really not good. the relationships are not real if we pretend all is well. if you are unhappy, you need to nicely state your opinion. If after both of you support your own argument and it does not change each other's frame of mind then admit a stalemate hang on to your thoughts and move forward. In the future it is possible that either of you might change your minds but in the meantime accept compromise and respect of each other. When each of us can accept our differences and still be friends then we have acquired a genuine friendship and love. This is far better than to pretend we are on the same page at all times when it isn't the truth. We really would never be expected to see all things in the same way. Mothers-in-Law and Daughters-in-Law are from different generations. Respect and tolerate each other and refrain from the thinking that there is only one way. We don’t always understand why a person believes what they do. Just allow her and yourself to have your own thoughts. Judgment by a Mother-in-Law or Daughter-in-Law shouldn't be the focus. Agree to disagree. We only have power and control over our own thoughts and actions. This takes a chunk of time if we do it right. It leaves us no time to control another's thoughts and actions. That is a good thing. Let God be the judge. We can enjoy peaceful relationships knowing that God is the sole judge. We gain more support more love and more time. The choice here is a "No Brainer" as my kids would say. Enjoy the Holidays in peace and joy that is the real choice we have.

"While on a walk one day, I was surprised to see a man hoeing his garden while sitting in his chair. What laziness! I thought. But suddenly I saw leaning against his chair a pair of crutches. The man was at work despite his handicap. The lessons I learned about snap judgments that day have stayed with me for years now. The crosses people bear are seldom in plain sight." Annette Ashe Guideposts.

 

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

 

Divorce At Any Age Hurts

I heard today from a young friend that her parents were getting a divorce. They had been married over 25 yrs. My friend is married yet so very hurt and yes traumatized. It might seem crazy but divorce hurts the children regardless of age. It brings it back to relationships and understanding. At times, we just don't understand an other's motives, words or actions. Many times we jump to conclusions that are not true. As a DIL I remember times when I felt the  cold shoulder from my MIL and I would think hard about what I might have done to cause it. Now that I am a MIL I wonder why my DIL's might be quiet. I sat down one day and laughed because it occurred to me that maybe they had just had a fight and their attitudes had nothing to do with me. We assume everything is about us. but if we reflect enough we realize that the world is not revolving around any of us. others are not pondering what we do or say. We should not take attitude to heart. It might be coming from so many places and our MIL and DIL relationship does not need this pressure. Believing we are on safe ground with our in-law allows us the freedom to relax and trust in the relationship. Entertaining thoughts of doubt breeds suspicion and doubt. If everything we say and do is never ever done with any malice or revenge, then we are secure in an honest trustworthy situation. Let the awkward moods pass unnoticed. We all have bad days.

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

How To Give A Boot To The Bumps And Snags

Any relationship, whether we are talking marriage partners siblings parents or in-laws, requires patience, humor, and respect. The best of relationships have their share of bumps and snags. If we believe it is worth the effort we struggle through enduring a few pains along the way. The problem with the MIL DIL relationship is that sometimes a MIL or DIL doesn't recognize the importance of their connections. Mothers are universal. Raising children is universal. We all have those commom bonds. The husband/son is loved by both women. It's worth the effort to find a peaceful co-existence. The final result may often be that we actually like this person and enjoy this person. MIL and DIL may end up supporting and helping each other. That is really what life is all about. It is realizing we are in this together and any assistance we get is appreciated. Love makes one feel happy and comforted. Hate makes one anxious and angry. Indifference makes one lifeless and without stamina. Give love a chance to thrive and grow.

 "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." Martin Luther King

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

Sagging Self-Esteem

Never use love as a tool of manipulation. A young man willing to please his  wife may unwittingly hurt his  mother. The same young man who has always consulted and trusted his mother's input may incense his wife who perceives his decision as disloyal to her. Again MIL needs to back off and DIL need to chill. There needn't  be jealousy between these two  important people. Both have a permanent place in his heart. One is a part of his past family and the other a part of his present family. Both can be a part of the future family.

"Does your self- esteem ever drag? Remember what you are worth." Max Lucado

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

Always Question Assumptions

When viewing an issue from another perspective, we are given the opportunity to assimilate that viewpoint, and accommodate it through the eyes of our own experience. Each individual's circumstance is distinct. Each situation is likely to be distinct in certain circumstances, yet universal in other respects. More reflection leads to questioning assumptions. The Mother-in-Law Daughter-In-Law is a universal dilemma. It is an unintentionally significant relationship. It requires patience time effort and reflection. Jealousies need to be set aside. Control must be loosened and dropped altogether. judgments have to be rescinded. Compromise and tolerance is necessary. The relationship can be an evolving dream or nightmare. It really is up to the two women involved. Husband must refrain from involving their mothers in discussions and arguments. The  girl's mother must refrain from dumping guilt on her daughter every time she spends a happy time with her Mother-in-Law. Mothers-in-law should provide  space, acceptance of the amount of time she receives, and she must give her son wings to fly in his own direction, making his own decisions. His wife's mother must really do the same. Jealousy is common but can be overcome. Control can be released and power to live one's own life, is exhilarating. We can share in the lives of other people without overshadowing them. Stepping too far leaves us beyond the gate. Sharing within bounds allows us inspirational moments of time to add to our cherished memory banks.

"Real education should educate us out of  self,  into something far finer; into a selflessness which links us with all humanity." Nancy Astor

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

Build a Positive Proactive Relationship

Strategies for handling the man in the middle begin with recognizing the controversy that manifests from this unintentionally significant relationship. It manifests in jokes smiles laughs ridicules and anger. There is no magic star dust or simple answers to this dilemma. But women can find an emotional equilibrium in their lives so that they both might be able to share the man they both love. When I first became a dil, I resented the constant attacks on my nursing abilities. "The baby is not getting enough food." was spoken to me a thousand times because my mil never nursed. It was frustrating. When I became a mil, I was sad that my dils, never asked for any advice. Being in a different seat in the car has given me an all  around perspective.

"He that cannot forgive others, breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass." Lord Herbert

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me