Understanding Intention Avoids Confusion

"Love is as necessary to human beings as food  and shelter;but without intelligence love is impotent, and freedom unattainable." Aldous Leonard Huxley

How many times have we quarreled with a friend or family member and repeated the words, "That's not what I mean." We  get so frustrated trying to think of a way to phrase what we wanted or meant to say that we at times lose our train of thought or worse we blurt out words that make it all worse. Trying to take back what we said is not as easy as it is to voice the words originally spoken.

 I would venture to say we have all been in this situation at least once but probably many times. Maybe people enjoy catching us in such a harrowing situation. They at times set us up and enjoy seeing us squirm our way out. Of course the harder we try squirming, the guiltier we appear. It really becomes more aggravating when the other party refuses to give us a break and back off. Instead they continue their shocked and hurt look which adds to our misery, drains our effort, confuses our thinking, and enhances our guilt regardless of the truth. Many times our energy depletes which forces us to give up and accept  our losses. 

Those of us who plod forward step in it so to speak and then wish we had cut our losses. How do we fix such problems? Connections to friends and relatives is important to us. Full of adrenalin due to the encounter, we retreat but our day is ruined and until the other person forgives us for what we didn't do, our life ends up on hold. Personally I think if we venture a call on them our first words might be, "I'm  sorry if you misunderstood what I said. Knowing me so well I assumed you would understand I would never want to deliberately hurt you." Surprisingly if the combative person retorts with "I know, it's okay." You may have to reply with, "It's not okay if you believe a falsehood." 

Otherwise our relative or friend thinks they caught us in some weird truth but they forgave us. I know depending on our disposition, we may cause another argument. If we are prepared we will possibly avoid any traps. In this way our opponent at this current time will be prompted to accept some blame in the situation. We may modify the course of a similar happening for misconception in a future  exchange of words. Thinking like a chess player may save us from an imminent transgression. The key in all of this is to keep your voice calm, your tone non-judgmental and your heart and thoughts sincere. 
 We do have differing states of mind in any given moment and just maybe what is said one day may be totally acceptable by another person but on a separate day that person has an altered reaction. We all experience days of insecurity and sensitivity. refraining from any controversial topic may be the order of the day.  

If we step into the mistake of giving a false impression UNINTENTIONALLY, then patience on that day and possibly a future day may be required. But you need to ask yourself isn't that person worth it in the end? I believe so and that means more time patience and effort but they are worth it and so are we when the roles get reversed which they most likely will.

"The degree of one's emotion varies inversely with one's knowledge of the facts. The less you know the hotter you get." Anonymous

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APPRECIATING HUMANITY

xx"Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted."  Aldous Huxley
I was thinking about how many little things are done for me by others. It made me realize what a great support system I have and how little I have  respected it or was grateful. I didn't want to feel guilty which only sucks energy so I began to mull it over instead. I thought about how many times others call to check on me or my family, or offer to help me do things I can't handle myself. I thought about birthday cards surprise visits and friendly texts or e-mails. When I mention I am having a bad  time at that moment in my life I am surrounded with support. It may not always come exactly the way I planned but it refreshes soothes and turns my day around. The mail person who waits for me to walk to  my box instead of  tossing it in because I am still far down my driveway took the time to acknowledge me as a person. The person in the grocery store who got me another carriage so my bags wouldn't spill out and then got a person from the store to wheel out the second carriage was awesome. Many times I like to get into the bathroom first in the morning and my husband never complains. I  don't stop to thank him or others for the many nice things that are done for me. I say thank you at the time people do something nice but I don't  really think long or deeply about how wonderful the kindness actually was. I know if someone is mean to me I review it and go on and on about it until I am sick of thinking about it. I just wondered why I couldn't savor the kind Acts longer than I agonize over the mean acts. Most people appear to be like me because they do not remember things I did for them yet they will give a noticeable face or remark if I have erred. I  would like someone to explain why we think more about bad things than good things. It seems so ridiculous yet universal. I am beginning to think that it is why we fight with others and cut them out of our lives. It isn't because of the one small thing that they did to us. It is because we didn't remember all the wonderful acts they do that go unnoticed. Even my birds that come to the bird feeder give back more to me than I to them. They allow me into their world for awhile and they teach me about trust. I am so much larger than they yet they land in front of me without fear. They don't forget who I am or what I have done for them. Why do we as a species forget? I don't have the answer unless to say we like to argue and fight. I hope that isn't true but then one must ask how come so many people have problems with so many other people. It has to boil down to simply recalling the thoughtful moments we receive goodness. I need to be more grateful to the core. I need to start trying this today because my mail person just dropped my mail on the ground. I tell myself remember simply remember!
"Write your injuries in the sand and write your  assistances in the cement." Anonymous

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REPRESSING RAGE BUILDS BRIDGES

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction. Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding." Albert Einstein


 I noticed how many of us get fired up about things that are aggravating or upsetting. We tend to dwell on those issues that anger us. The more we think about it and ponder it and discuss it, the stronger the fire gets. It makes us want to correct the problem or so we think. The way we choose to correct an incident can make a difference in the outcome. If we lash out at the person of our perceived frustration, throwing all of our frustration at them, we escalate the blaze and difficulty. We are left with the options of watching our antagonist burn to ashes or we can walk away.

After the altercation we come back to our sanity and convince ourselves the competitor deserved it and made us do it. Now we attempt to convince ourselves we were justified to retaliate. Have you ever noticed that after our storm, we have uneasiness that won't go away? We review all the things the person did to us in order to justify the correctness of our angry actions. Guilt is what appears to be creeping into our minds and we fight to eliminate it with a deeper examination of past upsets and injustices.  Validating our actions is paramount.

We begin to talk about the person and the incident with others so that we can acquire support and approval for our behaviors. In the end it doesn't work and the restlessness won't cease so we confront the object of our irritation again because now we blame them for the uncomfortable feelings we are having. It's their fault we got so annoyed.  Our actions now color our mood which isn't the happiest. We snap a quick retort at others, feel tired and drained, and begin to have a cold or illness coming on. Sleep is restless and the irritation and resentment towards the person of hatred increases.

 Does this sound familiar? We have all been in that place at one time or another. Viewing it from a faraway place, and a distant time makes us realize it gained us nothing, and cost us an assortment of damage. We feel emotionally and physically drained by our actions. Our opponent is likely experiencing the same feelings. The effect is a smoldering fire that simply won't be distinguished. It almost consumes our thoughts. We might ask if there was a better way we could have handled this whole anger situation.

 By talking through various scenarios, we can reflect on a healthier answer to the circumstances. If we accept 10% of the blame, sit down and honestly share our feelings a more favorable outcome may be attained. When we acquire back and forth feedback that is clear and concise it keeps everyone’s ego intact. It is comforting to know that our opponent is accepting a piece of the guilt regardless of the percentage. It may be unimportant to give ratios if we are attempting compromise and peace.  

We may consider the fact our opponent may have some deep rooted questions, or may be going through a difficult time in their lives. Even if their fear is unfounded, it can be just as immobilizing.  Their carelessness or thoughtlessness might have been their own worries. One moment of stepping back, reflecting before reacting, compassion before retribution might have saved both of us a multitude of heartache. None of us in honesty is without blame. We should never let a small smoldering fire inside of us, increase to the point of no return. In the end it consumes both of us.

By the simple art of discussion, we can put out the fire. With verbal communication we may understand, accept and tolerate transgressions against us. We may eliminate sleepless nights of doubt and worry. We can learn to have a positive open attitude towards everyone we encounter. Even when another does not respond to our overtures of reconciliation, we can keep peace within ourselves.  Rather than allowing fury to burn us into a blaze of ashes we can be a light of comfort for another in their moment of darkness. 

 "He who angers you conquers you." Elizabeth Kenny Australian Nurse
"There are two ways of exerting one's strength: one is pushing down, the other is pulling up." Booker T. Washington
"The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none." Thomas Carlyle

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How To Save a Combatting Relationship

“Genius is the ability to reduce the complicated to the simple.” C. W. Ceram

“The life of a winner is the result of an unswerving commitment to a never-ending process of self-completion.” Terry Bradshaw

Avoiding conflict of course is easier said than done. One needs to think about strategies before the conflict. Planning your approaches beforehand is essential to their implementation and success. It is strange how most of us want the discussion with the person we are fighting with, during the heat of the moment. Nothing could be worse. We are all in such a keyed up state of mind that we are not close to wanting any compromise. We are out for proving our argument or seeking revenge. Our mind and body need time to clear, calm down and take a second look when the fire is out.

               If one designs how to arrange and review problems, they are halfway to a solution. Most of the time we are so happy the argument is over we overlook the causes and sweep them under the rug so to speak. The same issues arise again at a future time because we never really handled them in the first place. Now we each throw in a few more irritating things and dig up the old problems. This is not going to make our disagreements any easier. We are multiplying our struggles to the point of breaking our relationships.

               How to disagree can be manageable. When we truly reflect, we admit our own guilt in any situation. This helps us to give position to the other person’s point of view. In doing so, we have broken down a barrier. This takes more courage than to equip ourselves with words for a fight. The other person can grasp our honesty and vulnerability. It is important to arrange a time to discuss issues. It should be when we are ready to compromise and not when we want to prove our viewpoints. When we have a desire to be at peace, the percentage of our being right or wrong is not important. The focus is on a common base.

               In the heat of a battle, we are not prepared to compromise. It is essential to recognize this. We can’t be afraid to broach the problems when our relationship is on track. If we fear facing the problems then our relationship can’t be on solid ground. If it is that fragile then it is even more important to tackle our problems. In the end if we don’t challenge our relationship issues, our connectedness will deteriorate and end. By coping with our differences calmly, we can accommodate each other’s schemata. We may be surprised to find that what we thought was power, control, disrespect and intolerance in our partner, was actually fear, doubt, anxiety and low self-esteem. At this point we can begin to work out the real issues instead of fighting over imagined ones.

               Solving problems is never easy but working on the real problems is simpler than attempting to fix something that isn’t broken. Honesty may be the best policy when we want truth and understanding in our relationship. If we trust the other person then we have confidence they will handle and accept our true characteristics.  If we hide our actual identities then the other person has a more difficult time figuring out how to create a compromise or bond with us. Commitments will be broken because our merger is false in a sense.

Have faith in yourself as a worthy individual. You are likable and lovable. All of us have our own faults which we like to keep hidden. If your flaws are causing a relationship to falter, you don’t want to keep these deficiencies so close. You may attempt to release your inner shortcomings by disclosing them to your partner. Acknowledge each other’s weaknesses and attempt greater closeness through sincerity.

               Peace comes with authenticity, openness, non-judgments, trust, reflection and a letting go of fear. Begin your discussion agreeing to disagree. Assume you will not approve of everything said but agree to listen assimilate and accommodate another’s ideas. You will be closer to a real union as well as a greater expansion of the mind.

“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.” Marcel Proust  

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Never Allow Anger to Overpower Reason

How many times have we began a discussion with someone and ended up in an angry confrontation, or worse, an escalated battle. It happens. Especially when we are tired or simply overburdened, we tend to allow heightened sensitivities to overcome our thought processes. We may want to straighten out a disagreement or confront another about a sticky situation.  Even if we have set the time and place, we still must reflect on what we want to accomplish in this planned argument. We are fooling ourselves by thinking we are trying to resolve the conflict, when we are totally attempting to make our own arguments and win the battle.

               We might have pondered the conflict privately but determined we were not to be blamed. Having our facts ready to toss out and our opinions set, we basically are planning our attack. It is an attack because we are not thinking of compromising or seeing another’s point of view. We are thinking about our own purposes and are preparing for battle. This onslaught sends our opponent reeling. They are on the defensive and dig in their heels and fire off their own facts. The conflict immediately escalates and both sides are out of control. Both parties walk away feeling the other person was unreasonable. We blame them for the continued discord. It is difficult to accept any wrongdoing on our own part. We see another’s faults but rarely view our own. We defend our line of reasoning and shoot down the opponents arguments. How stubborn they appear to be.

               It is so difficult to accept any blame. It is so difficult to admit we are not completely or even remotely correct in our thinking. We are angry and anger takes over. Questioning our anger is the first thing we need to do. By reflecting on why we are so angry at this person and why we must prove them at fault is important in the healing process. To get over this dispute requires thinking, empathy and giving in to a break-down of predisposed ideas we have created. By contemplating we come to realize the other person has some good arguments and main points. By empathizing we enter into an understanding of their feelings and emotional state of mind. By breaking down the barriers we have created we make room for accommodating their new approaches.

                              Exhibiting anger never solves any problem. Anger never encourages an opponent to accept our viewpoint. Sometimes we must allow another to do something in their own way even if we believe they are heading for failure. If one learns from mistakes, it is not failure. In the end we might be pleasantly surprised to find out we were wrong. In order to keep peace, both parties must co-operate and learn how to agree to disagree. It can be simple. We don’t have to choose to make things more difficult. If we want a relationship with this person, we need to allow them to have their own opinions.

Our experiences are different. We bring different schematic to our lives from our childhoods through adulthood. Our tolerance levels are different as well as our personalities. What is unbearable for one person is more than tolerable for another. Our likes, opinions, ideals and goals reflect our own being. Our life lessons are varied and attuned to our being. We can only live our own life, and choose for ourselves. To make peace with anyone else we must respect them and their opinions. Stepping down from our thrones permits us to allow others not only to be wrong but also to be right. In the end what we want is connection and communication. We want a relationship that is intact. To have this requires respect and acceptance. Keep anger from clouding judgment.

               Anger at times is the result of loss of control. Another is challenging our viewpoints or our status. We feel threatened and retaliate. Fury can be jealousy because the object we desire is sharing themselves with others. Rage can be due to changes we are not ready to accept. Anger is a loss of power and influence. Anger can be our own lack of confidence in our ability to be ourselves. When we fear change we get angry. Those we love the most are the ones who anger us the most. We need this other person in order for us to somehow define ourselves. Many times we are dealing with our own inner issues and our uncertainty evolves into a frustration and anger that turns from inward damage to outward destruction. Resolve to solve your inner conflict before it consumes you and spreads outside of yourself. We always have power over ourselves and can always control our own anger if we choose.

               It is okay to let go, whether we are wrong or right. It is admirable to lose an argument, even when we know we are correct. It is alright to display our inadequacies. It is fine to follow once in a while because we don’t always have to lead. It is okay to love someone even from afar because love is free and without barriers. We must remember that by sharing love we have expanded it. We enjoy more support and increased freedom. Love will never be contained and shouldn’t be restricted. It is a better world to spread love than to disperse anger. That will always be a choice. 

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Toss Negative Effort And Save Positive Time

 “A moment’s insight is sometimes worth a life’s experience.” Oliver Wendell Holmes

“Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.” Albert Einstein

We have such busy lives and busy schedules that we spend very little time thinking before we speak. This of course causes many problems big and small. Our lack of contemplation before uttering words effectively concludes with what I call clean-up. We wind up fixing an assortment of confusion we have made because of our carelessness.

               It takes less time to listen intently when someone voices ideas, opinions, suggestions, criticisms, hurts, feelings or complaints, than to have to chase after the person and have them restate their issue. This is true in every situation involving a verbal interaction. Most of us have our minds set on other things we must do or want to do. Our intellect is just not focused on what the other person is revealing to us. Then we wonder later why we don’t have a clue about what transpired during our interaction with them.

               When husbands and wives are quarreling, it is essential for them to give their full attention to each other. In the end it saves time rather than diminishing  time. Total involvement with the problem at hand, allows us to give our complete ability and effort to work things out. Actually, dealing with one problem or issue at a time is better than contemplating an array of issues. Our mind is clearer and able to focus much better. Our intellect is not cluttered with an abundance of burdens. By listening, a husband and wife will not miss the positive and inviting words of compromise or praise. When we are surface listening we are keying in on the negative words such as ‘you always’, ‘you never’, ‘your fault’, ‘remember when’ and ‘I’ve had it’.

               Most of us have the attitude that I just don’t have time for this. In reality it is the most important thing we ought to make time for. In the end if our problems get resolved quickly, life flows smoothly in other areas. When problems continue to fester and loom on the horizon, other areas of our lives are full of negativity. In any relationship in crises, find the time to reflect and reason with the other person. By making time for the discussion, we are respecting the relationship we have with this other person. If we don’t make time for another, we are patronizing the person’s self-esteem and degrading their relationship with us. Now we have more to contend with.  The most natural result is we are at the receiving end of some pain the other individual sends back to us in retaliation. Reflecting on this for a moment allows us to understand why our differences would escalate from a battle to a war.

               Sometimes difficulties are easy to deal with when we make the time and focused effort. Even when there are more challenging issues, complete exertion and attention to the immediate problem will solve the difficulty a lot faster. Feelings are less apt to get injured because we are sticking with the issues rather than accusing the individual randomly.

Timing is not always perfect but personal problems should be considered an emergency.  In this way they will be dealt with a lot faster. The result will be less confrontation, shorter fighter, less personal attacks, and more intact people when the disagreement is over. Nobody has lost face, lost their self-respect, or been diminished by the episode. In the future the persons involved will be able to deal with disagreements in a shorter period of time. What we need to remember is to pay attention to the other person and consider them worthy enough for us to listen and argue attentively.

“It requires less character to discover the fault of others than to tolerate them.”  J. Petit Sen

INFURIATING PEOPLE

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction. Peace cannot be kept by force, it can only be achieved by understanding." Albert Einstein

Being  an observer, I noticed how many of us get fired up about things that are aggravating or upsetting. We tend to dwell on those issues that anger us. The more we think about it and ponder it and discuss it, the stronger the fire gets. It makes us want to correct the problem or so we think. So we lash out at the object of our perceived frustration throwing all of our fire at them. Then we watch them burn to ashes as we walk away. On our way back to sanity we convince ourselves or try to convince ourselves that they deserved it, made us do it. we were in our right to retaliate.

Have you ever noticed that after our storm, we have an uneasiness in our system that won't go away? We review all the things the person did to us in order to justify in our minds that we were correct in our angry actions. We even begin to talk about the person and the incident with others so that we can garner up support groups that agree with us. In the end it doesn't work and the uneasiness won't go away so we confront the object of our anger again because now we blame them for the uncomfortable feelings we are experiencing. It's their fault we got so angry. It's all their blame in the first place. Our actions now color our mood which isn't the happiest. We snap a quick retort at other innocent people.We feel tired and drained, and begin to have a cold or illness coming on. Sleep is restless and the anger and resentment towards our person of hatred increases.

 Does this sound familiar? We have all been in that place at one time or another. Viewing it from a far away place, and a far away time makes us realize it gained us nothing, and cost us a lot of damage to our own bodies. We caused misery for the person we retaliated against. One is left with a smoldering fire that simply won't be distinguished. It almost consumes one's thoughts. I had to ask myself if there was a better way I might have handled the whole situation and anger issue. I talked myself through a different scenario. If I had placed even 10% of the blame on myself, sat down and honestly spoke my feelings clearly and concisely, asked for feedback or a response to my efforts, would it have made a difference? Maybe the person that hurt me was having some deep rooted questions themselves, or going through a difficult time in their lives, or fearful of something that wasn't there. I didn't  stop to think their carelessness or thoughtlessness might not have had as much to do with me as it had to do with their own fears.

One moment of stepping back,  reflecting before reacting, compassion before retribution might have saved both of us a multitude of heartache. None  of us in honesty, is  without some blame. We should  never let a small smoldering fire inside of us, increase to the point of no return. In the end it not only consumes our agitator but also us. If I had simply put out the fire with talk, understanding, acceptance and tolerance, I would not have spent so many sleepless nights of anger and  worry. I would not have had an angry attitude towards everyone I met. Instead I could venture to  say my light of happiness would have burned instead and burned brightly without any pain to myself or others. Even when another does not respond to our overtures of reconciliation, we can keep trying and thus keep peace within ourselves. Keep our own light burning instead of turning it into a blaze that in the end destroys us.
"He who angers you conquers you." Elizabeth Kenny Australian Nurse
"There are two  ways of exerting one's strength: one is pushing down, the other is pulling up." Booker T. Washington
"The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none." Thomas Carlyle

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KEEP GOALS FIRM, DISREGARD DOUBTS

"Without involvement there is no commitment. Mark it down, asterisk it, circle it, underline it. No involvement no commitment." Stephen Covey

Many of us have already set New Year's resolutions. Most of us would agree that we will most likely not achieve them. That is the problem. If you think you can't achieve a goal then you are probably correct. In order to attain anything, we need to believe we can do it. Surprisingly, most things we set our mind on to do, we are capable of doing. Believing we can is the factor. Often the goals are too difficult or unrealistic to achieve immediately or without setbacks along the way. As a result, we release our goals and efforts as soon as we cave. This is a mistake. Nothing great is accomplished the first time trying. Think about the baby steps. Every time we succeeded a bit more than the day before.

Giving up on anything  seals our fate regarding that issue. With a bit more effort maybe our marriage will succeed. Trying harder may help us to have more patience or tolerance. Another attempt at reconciliation with a friend or family member just might be the cure. Refraining from judgement when we slip back on our trials with an addiction, allows us the will and ambition to try again with more vigor. I equate abandoning our goals with coping out. We set our goals, break them and then leave them behind as pointless. this is so sad. We can achieve them with time, patience, effort and above all else forgiveness. When an athlete is attempting to improve his skill or speed he chops away at this problem day after day. There might be times when he observes a backward result but he never loses his or her focus. With each and every trial, what seemed an impossible  task, is accomplished and light is made. It is true that maybe we fall a little short of one hundred percent of our goal but how much further did we take ourselves from the starting point. There is always room for growth.

There will always be people who  will discourage us from our goals. Maybe that's because it places them in the position of facing their own lack of effort. You disturb their peacefulness of stagnation. Every effort great or small needs to begin with our determination  to make a difference and make a change in a situation. We are never disappointed because we will  never end up in the same place we were before the effort. Take the risk, set the goals as lofty as you choose and begin your journey towards your goals. You are looking for small changes that will  eventually evolve into a major change. In all of our goal setting,  we will be proud of our efforts instead of disappointed with our failures. So concentrate on the goal, the efforts, and the small changes. Forget about the time, failures and setbacks. Three steps forward and two steps back still leaves you with one step ahead. You without a doubt can do it. The most difficult challenging and stressful piece of all of this is the start.

"The strongest warriors are these two...time and patience." Leo Tolstoy

"Many of life's failures are people who do not realize how close they  were to success when they gave up." Thomas Edison

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The Victory In Relationships

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls. The most massive characters are seared with scars." E.H.Chapin

"Character is the total of thousands of small daily strivings to live up to the best that is in us." Lt. Gen. Arthur Trudeau

Even having the best relationships with family, we still fight to maintain control of our thoughts and feelings. We all want to be number one and second place is never comfortable. I am working on making it satisfying. I remember as a young adult, visiting family at a wedding or gathering. I was always the one to be present  when a relative needed me or needed to talk. My siblings appeared randomly yet they were sought after first. It was hurtful to miss out on the talks because my siblings overshadowed me. They got the attention and big hugs and kisses and the plans to get together. In the meantime I was basically out in the cold and unnoticed. At the next function of course I would be the only attendee and the relatives were glad to see me. Surfice it to say I never received  the attention my siblings received whenever their prescence was made. I understood logically why  they were welcomed so much because they were missed at most of the other get togethers. Like the prodigal son everyone was happy at their momentary return. As much as all of us get the idea of it we still anger inside at our quick displacement. It occurred to me how many times we all do this to each other. We owe a tremendous amount of gratitude  to others yet we disregard the simple things and mundane tasks we receive from them often enough. The excitement of the new arrival makes us disregard the silent dependable person that we easily relegated to the background without any thought. I have been at both ends of it and see some reasons and some dilemmas with it.

We're looking for acknowledgement of who we are from others. We define ourselves through others. We want the quick stamp of approval and yearn to be part of that persons life or group. Because of our own insecurities we must be accepted by others in order to feel worthy. Being so caught up in this leaves us little time to reflect on the many things we should be grateful for and also the many things we take for granted. Again it leaves us all with the notion of focusing on the positive. We are worthy. We are unique. We are defined by what we do for those of us we don't have to do for. We are defined by reaching out to those of us who can't pay us back. It comes back to me that I am striving to accept what I cannot change. Therefore if I am relegated to second or third place in any or all relationships, I must attempt to deal with that. Those that I love have my unconditional love. That means they don't have to earn it. They don't have to indulge or please me. They can hurt my feelings and I will forgive them and continue to love them with my whole heart. It's not about me and my feelings. It's about my unconditional love for them. Do I fall short, yes. Do I come back  for more, yes. Is it woth the effort, yes. Am I improving, yes. Our lives on earth are about learning how to love truly love unconditionally. When we get it and learn it we come to realize everyone is our family. What a wonderful world we would  have or create if that could become a reality.

"Not in the clamor of the crowded street, nor in the shouts or plaudits of the throng, but in ourselves are triumph and defeat."

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OUR UNIQUENESS DISTINGUISHES OUR IMPACT

"One learns people through the heart, not the eyes or the intellect." Mark Twain


It might sound absurd but most of us hide behind smiles and words. Out of fear most likely or a lack of trust, we keep our true identities hidden. It seems sad that so many of us either don't think another would like us if they knew "what we were really like," or "how we were really feeling." Relationships would be deeper if we could get beyond our doubts and fears. That also means all of us need to stop judging others so that they may feel more secure in releasing their genuine feelings. Strong emotions bring out confusion. We ;might be unsure about what we should do. Others know this and most likely that is why most of our emotions are hidden. We present the smile and expected words of camaraderie. Inside the person may be feeling sad, tortured, sick, depleted, scared, unsure, and afraid to release these thoughts even to close relatives. What have we become? All of us have a wide range of thoughts  and emotions and an even wider range of fears. We leave the party intact along with everyone else and go home feeling alone in our depressing thoughts even more so because everyone else appeared to have a great time. Surprise! Most people at the gathering assumed you were having a great time even though  they were not. If we didn't judge, then we could all let our  hair down. The most even tempered, together person, at times feels lost. We are human. We all have doubts and fears especially because we are making choices every day and facing problems to solve every day. Our decisions don't  always fly well with others yet we know they are the right choices to make. Life is full of doubt fear and pain. Let's turn it around and realize we are triumphant in treading down the difficult path.

It's difficult to accept and deal with challenges and getting older,  It's hard to accept responsibility and blame  and children moving on from our homes. Job loss and diseases and sicknesses and loss are challenging to face. It's okay to acknowledge in our hearts that we may not be as happy as our smile indicates. It's also  okay to enjoy the happy moments that come our way. It does not in any way diminish our feelings about personal issues. It should be okay to mention we are not in top form and at times sad or scared or angry or unhappy. It's like releasing it to the universe and accepting any positive feedback that results from this release. Others may understand us more than we think. We hide but not really. Some things are just mute but understood. We can't be afraid to take off the covers of our true self and we can't be so judgemental that we prevent others and ourselves from doing it. Then when we smile it will be real. We may also smile more because it really is okay to have a whole range of feelings inside of us going through us at the same time. It's okay to be human.

"We only know of one duty and that is to love." Albert Camus

"To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived, this is to have succeeded." Ralph Waldo Emerson

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A positive approach is to search inward not outward

"No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars, or sailed to an enchanted land, or opened a new doorway for the human spirit." Helen Keller


Was the  holiday expressive or repressive? We survived it. It would be nice if we could say we enjoyed it and I am now convinced I can say it. I focus on my attitude and not the attitude of others. If someone tries to draw me into a controversial discussion I do not take the bait. Sometimes people are just in an honory mood so I keep my distance until it is safe. Did you ever notice as I have that when I am in a bad mood I  tend to take it out on the same person. It seems to happen that some person is most likely the recipient of our anger if they are nearby. Of course if they are not it leaves us with finding another. It proves to me that lots of times my anger might be unjustified and the result of my own mood. I am beginning to feel guilty now if I  upset others and cause a domino effect. It makes me think aout causing a more positive effect. To think how many times I have caused my own terrible holiday experience makes me want to chew out myself. Now I prepare.

I remember to ignore remarks that may not hold the meaning I think they hold. I put myself in another's shoes and think about why they are frustrated and being mean. I overlook another's quick temper and mark it off as a possible disagreement with another, or trouble at their place or employment or withing their own homes. I don  not want the responsibility of another's bad mood to cause me a miserable holiday. I also do not want to be swallowed up into their issues. I want to enjoy the happy moments because many times  they are not often enough. More holidays are on the way and really I believe we can make of them what we want. I for one do not want to make them miserable for myself  or others, nor do I want to create a problem with another human being which will torment me far beyond the holiday. The choice is mine.

"Life offers no guarantees...just choices;no certainty...but consequences;no predictable outcomes...just the privilege of pursuit." Tim Connor

"He climbs highest who helps another up." George Matthew Adams

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How to stop jealousy and heal pain

"Shallow men believe in luck Strong men believe in cause and effect." Ralph Waldo Emerson


Everyone might register a trace of jealousy. Even though it might always be present, we can keep it under restraint. All of us struggle to balance our lives. We can presume that on the surface others have life easier. But all of us struggle. Some hard the labor of their lives better than others and some complain less. the grind is enduring for all. Supporting each other as well as managing the jealous tendency's, can make life so much easier. praise and gratefulness go a long  way in healing pain, frustration and envy. praising another actually releases our envy. It can evaporate our insecurities and allow us to see  the good qualities in another without making ourselves feel diminished. Our talents are real we need to recognize them. We don't need to be someone else or live in an other's shoes. When we break down the walls we create for ourselves  we allow ourselves permission to like and love others as well as accepting their love.

"Happiness is not a when or a where; it can be a here and now. But until you are happy with who you are you will never be happy because of what you have." Zig Ziglar

"Caring about others, running the risk of feeling and leaving an impact on people, brings happiness." Rabbi Harold Kushner

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Steps That Light The Right Road

"We can grow by our questions as well as by our answers."
"Our words are seeds planted in other people's lives." John Mason

Hi
Stop to reflect how we at times set up our  own competition. If we begin boasting about our accomplishments or  those of our children we set the wheel in motion. It may not be our siblings or mother or mother-in-law that begins the game. Simple factual information is more appreciated and  recognized than an onslaught of The boss praised me the other day for ............. If we have been refraining from competition then you may just get a few compliments. If you don't receive any attention then I would ponder the sadness of anothers life at that moment that they cannot ring themselves to praise you due to their position in life at the moment. If we have nothing to give, how sad is that. Feel sorry for them instead of jealous. If your the one never finding it in your heart to compliment another think about when it is your turn for honor why others are not as enthusiastic. It takes a very big person to praise and honor another regardless of what is going on in their own lives. It is easy to be happy for another when we think we are better than they are. It takes dignity and a sense of self-worth to praise others even when our own lives may be falling apart. When a person comments about how large their child is or how tall, it makes me wonder if I  missed something. Is tall better than short or is large better than small? Are blue eyes better than brown or dark hair better than light? Where do these notions come from? I think maybe I should think about how many times I have compared and thus started a competition and I didn't even think  about it.

"It requires less character to discover the fault of others than to tolerate them."J. Petit Senn

"Reputation is what men and women think of us; character is what God and angels know of us." Thomas Paine

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Avoid Holiday Problems

"People love others not  for what hey are, but for how they make us feel."  Irwin Federman

Hi
Mothers-in-law who encourage any type of competition might possibly find it can influence the closeness of their children. The result may be a competitive relationship amongst their children. Downplaying competitive behavior allows for a more supportive kind of connection to develop. None of us will discuss our  mistakes or trials to another person that we view as a competitor rather than a supporter. We then lose the chance of gaining support and encouragement. Losing  does not always spur a person to try harder. Many times it makes us to recoil and give up. Spending time  with relatives becomes tedious and stressful. If we support one another we are happy to see each other and look forward to helpful discourse. Parents should begin  right from the beginning wih their children to make an effort of refraining from comparisons of  any kind including who walked talked and toilet trained first. After all we are looking for harmony joy and pleasant rewarding and memorable times together as children and adults.


"Constant kindness can accomplish much. As the sun makes ice melt kindness causes misunderstanding, mistrust and hostility to evaporate."  Albert Schweitzer

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Build a Positive Proactive Relationship

Strategies for handling the man in the middle begin with recognizing the controversy that manifests from this unintentionally significant relationship. It manifests in jokes smiles laughs ridicules and anger. There is no magic star dust or simple answers to this dilemma. But women can find an emotional equilibrium in their lives so that they both might be able to share the man they both love. When I first became a dil, I resented the constant attacks on my nursing abilities. "The baby is not getting enough food." was spoken to me a thousand times because my mil never nursed. It was frustrating. When I became a mil, I was sad that my dils, never asked for any advice. Being in a different seat in the car has given me an all  around perspective.

"He that cannot forgive others, breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass." Lord Herbert

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