Understanding Intention Avoids Confusion

"Love is as necessary to human beings as food  and shelter;but without intelligence love is impotent, and freedom unattainable." Aldous Leonard Huxley

How many times have we quarreled with a friend or family member and repeated the words, "That's not what I mean." We  get so frustrated trying to think of a way to phrase what we wanted or meant to say that we at times lose our train of thought or worse we blurt out words that make it all worse. Trying to take back what we said is not as easy as it is to voice the words originally spoken.

 I would venture to say we have all been in this situation at least once but probably many times. Maybe people enjoy catching us in such a harrowing situation. They at times set us up and enjoy seeing us squirm our way out. Of course the harder we try squirming, the guiltier we appear. It really becomes more aggravating when the other party refuses to give us a break and back off. Instead they continue their shocked and hurt look which adds to our misery, drains our effort, confuses our thinking, and enhances our guilt regardless of the truth. Many times our energy depletes which forces us to give up and accept  our losses. 

Those of us who plod forward step in it so to speak and then wish we had cut our losses. How do we fix such problems? Connections to friends and relatives is important to us. Full of adrenalin due to the encounter, we retreat but our day is ruined and until the other person forgives us for what we didn't do, our life ends up on hold. Personally I think if we venture a call on them our first words might be, "I'm  sorry if you misunderstood what I said. Knowing me so well I assumed you would understand I would never want to deliberately hurt you." Surprisingly if the combative person retorts with "I know, it's okay." You may have to reply with, "It's not okay if you believe a falsehood." 

Otherwise our relative or friend thinks they caught us in some weird truth but they forgave us. I know depending on our disposition, we may cause another argument. If we are prepared we will possibly avoid any traps. In this way our opponent at this current time will be prompted to accept some blame in the situation. We may modify the course of a similar happening for misconception in a future  exchange of words. Thinking like a chess player may save us from an imminent transgression. The key in all of this is to keep your voice calm, your tone non-judgmental and your heart and thoughts sincere. 
 We do have differing states of mind in any given moment and just maybe what is said one day may be totally acceptable by another person but on a separate day that person has an altered reaction. We all experience days of insecurity and sensitivity. refraining from any controversial topic may be the order of the day.  

If we step into the mistake of giving a false impression UNINTENTIONALLY, then patience on that day and possibly a future day may be required. But you need to ask yourself isn't that person worth it in the end? I believe so and that means more time patience and effort but they are worth it and so are we when the roles get reversed which they most likely will.

"The degree of one's emotion varies inversely with one's knowledge of the facts. The less you know the hotter you get." Anonymous

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EXCUSES

"Act as if what you do makes a difference, it does." William James

Yes on any given day I can come up with a million excuses to avoid doing anything. I would venture to say I am not alone. It is clearly a problem because it keeps me from interactions with others, accomplishing jobs I had set as goals for the day, completing and making deadlines set by others, and living up to promises I made to friends and family. 

I don't intentionally plan on skipping things I should do. Now that is a pardon for me to feel better. There are definitely times when our justifications are real and not so much a coping out as an they are a real obstacle preventing us from doing what we should do. No criticism intended but gaining a handle on excuses allows us to accomplish so much more. We don't call the friend because we are watching a good TV show or checking our e-mails or sitting on the couch without having to think or talk about anything. 


At work, we find something boring or so difficult it is impossible to begin. At home  our tasks always take longer than what we think and we know this and simply don't want to get started in the first place. The luxury of doing nothing seems to be given only at times when we are sick. Of course at these  times we can't enjoy this free time because we don't feel well. Some of us use others to escape work effort and responsibility. A  divorced father can escape his  obligations by acknowledging his wife doesn't permit  him to see the kids which may be true. what a relief. No lost time or effort on his part and no guilt. A headache or cold ought to alleviate our helping with the household tasks even if we are feeling a bit better. We can take another day. I am guilty of many of these affairs myself. I know I would be further along  with my jobs if I tackled them without thought just responsibility. Some tasks are important like our kids. We need to separate what counts from counting what tasks are waiting. Kids can't wait. They desperately need us and after all we are their parents. So if I can't bend over as much due to a leg injury I can still kick that ball back to my kid and let them toss it again. I can still be there to talk or listen or watch the world around us evolving. That's final no exoneration, I need to go and take care of what matters most.

"Things that matter most should never be at  the mercy of things which matter least." Johann Van Goethe

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SURVIVING OVERWHELMING DISAPPOINTMENT

"The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; Whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; Who strives valiantly; Who errs and comes short again and again; Who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause/who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails daring greatly."

   When you feel overwhelmed like when your at the bottom of the barrel scraping your way out, adrenalin kicks in and animal instincts override. Those instincts ensure our safety and survival when we are in the wild and encounter dangerous situations. Defiance may  manifest when we are angry at someone and feel squashed by their intrusiveness. Immediately we go into high gear and deflate them with nasty retorts. It does make them back off but we have created probably more problems than we started with. Other times we may be on overload because of our many obligations.

We can decide how to prioritize duties but that doesn't matter. whatever we choose it gnaws at us for not picking another one. Truthfully no matter what we chose it would feel like it was a bad choice because we could not accomplish all of the tasks at once which is what we wanted to do in the first place. We set ourselves up to fail. We don't see it but we do. To add a bit of frosting to the cake we even lash out at others in our vicinity because we are so frustrated with ourselves and our inability to fulfill the workload.
 This is not just true of the  CEO but of anyone with a task to do. Mothers place the most burdens on themselves. They worry they have not spent enough time with their kids, not been gentle enough, read enough books, talked to them enough etc. This annoys them and then they lose their temper with their kids because they are already angry with themselves.  We struggle more with defiance than we do with anger. We become defiant and then angry and then fight with someone within range. How do we stop the buildup of our defiance? I suggest reflecting immediately. Observe the kids or co-workers without any emotional interactions, and make the decision with your clear and logical mind to plan a review later of these mounting responsibilities. It delays anger and anxiety. It keeps the animal instincts from overtaking the thinking mind. It spares others our wrath. Later we may realize it is okay to choose defiance when we are calm. Then we can easily say no to our child even if they hand us a temper tantrum which is their form of defiance. Suggest to the boss rebelliously and in your most subdued voice their is no way to meet the deadline they enforced. They will be surprised and maybe even more respectful of you for stating the  truth which they already knew.

Spouses can be irritating. Choose  to be defiant by simply walking away while suggesting you can save the fight for tomorrow. It works. Your spouse may think you are attempting humor but whatever diffuses the burdens of life is worth the effort of a solid attempt. Defiance and non conformity can work for the best if we understand when best to toss it into action. Human instincts monitored by our thinking brain are a better choice than those animal instincts aiding us in surviving our overpowering burdens.

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APPRECIATING HUMANITY

xx"Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted."  Aldous Huxley
I was thinking about how many little things are done for me by others. It made me realize what a great support system I have and how little I have  respected it or was grateful. I didn't want to feel guilty which only sucks energy so I began to mull it over instead. I thought about how many times others call to check on me or my family, or offer to help me do things I can't handle myself. I thought about birthday cards surprise visits and friendly texts or e-mails. When I mention I am having a bad  time at that moment in my life I am surrounded with support. It may not always come exactly the way I planned but it refreshes soothes and turns my day around. The mail person who waits for me to walk to  my box instead of  tossing it in because I am still far down my driveway took the time to acknowledge me as a person. The person in the grocery store who got me another carriage so my bags wouldn't spill out and then got a person from the store to wheel out the second carriage was awesome. Many times I like to get into the bathroom first in the morning and my husband never complains. I  don't stop to thank him or others for the many nice things that are done for me. I say thank you at the time people do something nice but I don't  really think long or deeply about how wonderful the kindness actually was. I know if someone is mean to me I review it and go on and on about it until I am sick of thinking about it. I just wondered why I couldn't savor the kind Acts longer than I agonize over the mean acts. Most people appear to be like me because they do not remember things I did for them yet they will give a noticeable face or remark if I have erred. I  would like someone to explain why we think more about bad things than good things. It seems so ridiculous yet universal. I am beginning to think that it is why we fight with others and cut them out of our lives. It isn't because of the one small thing that they did to us. It is because we didn't remember all the wonderful acts they do that go unnoticed. Even my birds that come to the bird feeder give back more to me than I to them. They allow me into their world for awhile and they teach me about trust. I am so much larger than they yet they land in front of me without fear. They don't forget who I am or what I have done for them. Why do we as a species forget? I don't have the answer unless to say we like to argue and fight. I hope that isn't true but then one must ask how come so many people have problems with so many other people. It has to boil down to simply recalling the thoughtful moments we receive goodness. I need to be more grateful to the core. I need to start trying this today because my mail person just dropped my mail on the ground. I tell myself remember simply remember!
"Write your injuries in the sand and write your  assistances in the cement." Anonymous

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HOLIDAY LOVE FROM A Child

If one searches for the word nurturing in a dictionary it means things like cherish, support, care for, look after, and take care of.  

Bringing up children goes beyond our wildest thoughts about what parenthood means. If the funds are low it is essential to find ways to make save and use our income frugally. Competing for our children’s love by purchasing toys is never a good solution for any parent. Toys should never be used manipulatively as a way to apologize for our anger or obtain our children’s love or attention. Our children’s love cannot be bought.

 The gift of time should never be underestimated. When children look back on their childhood, they remember how they spent their time with us not what prizes we gave to them.

 Counting our physical presence in the home with the child is not meaningful time. At breakfast answer a child’s questions but admit it when you do not have the answers. Sending them into another room or handing them a toy to play with is not an answer. We are dismissing them.

After school children have a hundred thoughts running through their heads about the day’s events. They need to release these streams of consciousness. Encourage them to talk. We will become privy to a bullying situation, school work problem, friendship issue, fighting incident, fear or anxiety problem that shamed them, fears of insecurity, worthlessness, hopelessness and helplessness to name a few. It is kind of like how we encounter many of our own days. How awesome for a child to realize that mom or dad face the same things each day and understand how they feel.

Ignoring our children because we have had a bad day or we are tired, enhances our child’s frustrations. They must wait until we are feeling good about ourselves. This compounds their difficulties and encourages our children to turn to others in their need.

Listening to the happy stories they want to express is as important as hearing their tribulations. Children want their parents to be proud of them. They do not always think that we are, especially when we spend a lot of time criticizing them, or putting them off.

It is essential to listen to our child’s story even if it is time spent with the other parent.

VIGNETTE

“Sometimes the people whom we've known for only a short amount of time have a bigger impact on us than those we've known forever.” Maya Angelou

One young girl and boy were very good friends. The young girl, named Tanya was extremely efficient and confident and always willing to speak for another child. The boy, named Tom, was rather quiet and reserved. At school Tanya spoke for Tom most of the time with Tom’s permission. Although Tanya was always efficient in all areas of her school life, she was unaware of her own body’s needs.

Tanya was burdened with a mother in jail and a father without a job. Tanya’s father attempted to get a job but was defeated with every attempt. It often appeared that Tanya was taking care of him instead of the other way around. Although the teacher had to admit he tried and he did love Tanya very much.

One day when Tom and Tanya were working together on a project at school, the teacher overheard them talking. “Tanya, how come you always smell bad?” asked Tom innocently. Tanya wide eyed and muddled answered, “I don’t know Tom.” The next day Tanya came to school with clean clothes and a freshly scrubbed body. She smiled at Tom who always smiled back in return. Nothing was said but a tremendous amount of knowledge had transpired between them.  

Tom received the help most of the time in any given situation. Intuitively, on that particular day, Tom was the giver of aid. He will never know what a tremendous gift he .gave to his young friend Tanya. Before the Holiday break at school, Tanya came into the classroom with a crumpled brown bag decorated in many colors. It was folded down and sealed with a crinkled piece of tape which was also holding a small candy cane. She immediately gave it to Tom whose entire face lit up with the surprise. Inside was a small car which Tom turned over and over in his hands. “I got it from my cereal box,” she explained. Tom flung his arms around Tanya and screeched, “You are the bestest friend anyone could ever have.” Tanya looked as happy as Tom. The power of love subdued the class and filled the teacher’s eyes with tears. We may never know how much warmth and love we have given another by a simple gesture of thought and kindness. The ripples from such an act infinitely spread throughout eternity. 

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THE POWER OF PRAYER

"Life's not about waiting for the storms to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain." BJ Gallagher/Mac Anderson

 I have been extremely busy with fear and worry. My daughter whose sons were one and two at the  time, was diagnosed with breast cancer. She is doing fantastic now and will finish her infusions in May. She will have her reconstruction soon. She  and I and the rest of the family are embracing a full recovery and we attribute it to God and the power of prayer. As much as we all like to think of prayer as  hocus pocus, I have come to a full circle with God. I now know he is here walking beside me every step of the way. I am enlightened to be aware of his presence and glory and power. I believe in miracles and I thank God for my miracle. It has been a long grind which is hard to explain to anyone. It has been over a year since the nightmare began and it is only recently I have been able to say my daughter's name in the same sentence as the disease without a total meltdown.

All of us have someone we know in a similar situation. some are better and some are worse. It is really hard to put a measurement on love so I won't try. I don't blame those who run away from it or try to hide and ignore  it because after all if it were something contagious we would all be hiding. Nobody wants it to enter their lives in any  way or form. It entered mine a few times along  my life's way with two aunts, my sister, my mother-in-law brother cousins and friends. When it came to my daughter I was devastated to say the least. Somehow our kids are an extension of us and the better part of us. We spend a lifetime protecting them nurturing them even when they don't need it anymore. It is natural that their hurt is ours. At those times I felt like a ticking bomb waiting to explode as my silent tears dribbled down my cheeks hidden by glasses. I prayed to  God for her total recovery.

My daughter and I survived with God's help but the fear remains and I try to keep it at bay but sometimes it creeps in and on those days I pray. For those who don't understand that's  okay it is impossible to understand because your mind doesn't want to go  on that route for fear of jinxing yourself. It is okay, just about all of us would do the same in similar situations. It is good to attempt to be a comfort to those who need it. I know the number of angels who came to my daughter's support and thus to mine were angels in my book. Their efforts of time meals flowers and visits will never be underestimated.

 I know we can't always pay back to those who helped us but we can all pay it forward which my daughter has already started to do. Being a light for each other is what god wants. I know this in my heart. He doesn't want us to live in  fear and I am working on that one as is my daughter. Fear immobilizes and cripples the  present. We worry about things that may never come to pass. I know that I will have a strong faith when I can let go of my fears, give them to God and trust that all is well. If we let go and let God as I heard one person put it, we will be calm enough to do his work. It has been a roller coaster ride with so many turns up and down that it is hard to attempt to recall the explosiveness of the downs. We both came out of it with a deeper connection to God. You get refined when you walk through the fire. I ask for prayers for my daughter that she may raise her children and live a long life. When anyone asks "Can I do anything?" I always reply, "Please pray for my daughter." The power of prayer is a miracle.
"Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world."
May God Bless all of you. My Best
pam

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SUSTAINING APPRECIATION BEYOND THE MOMENT

“Acts of love are what will bring peace to your life and to the world.” Dr. Lee Scampolsky

Whenever another person does something for me, it fills my spirit with thanks and total appreciation for them in my life. The problem for me and I am sure for most people is to maintain that appreciation past the thankful moment. When we are sick we call on a friend or family member and they come running to help us. When we are feeling better we don’t think as much about them. I know we will help them in return if they need us but the focus of their kind acts shifts to the background of our lives.

When our car breaks down, our pets need to be looked after while we are on vacation, we need a babysitter, cheering up, help in a desperate time of need, someone comes to our aid. Fast forward to a future time and place. The person who has helped us out numerous times suddenly says or does something we don’t like. Now we forget immediately, all the times they were there for us. We get angry and hurt and we lash out and dismiss them with nothing more than a blink of the eye.

If this is something you have done or experienced, you are in the majority group. You go home and try to understand what just happened to you. Maybe they don’t recall your generous time effort and money but you certainly do and you can’t believe how fast they turned on you. I have been at the receiving end of such situations and pondered the numerous things I had done for this person and I found it hard to believe they didn’t count my many offerings of love and generosity of time and money.

Recently I was on the other side of the situation. A good friend infuriated me and I lashed out without thinking. It didn’t escalate but I went home upset and then refused to answer her phone calls or e-mails. For days I reviewed what she had done to me and my fire was fueled. I eventually answered her calls and we talked about things unrelated to our problem. Our relationship was somewhat back on track but I had the feeling it could never be the same.

Then I needed help and the first person I thought of was my friend. I felt uneasy about it but I asked and she answered immediately. After the incident I sat reflecting on what had just transpired. My friend was my friend regardless of our recent strained issues. She came through just as she had always come through for me. I then recalled how many times I came through for those who had tossed me aside. I asked myself why we get up and go back for more.

It occurred to me that the reason was love. When you love someone you put aside petty disagreements and take care of their needs. The arguments wait for another day. Enlightenment happened at that precise moment. I began contemplating all the wonderful times my friend and I had shared. I recalled the multiple times she was at my side when I needed her to be. I began to feel guilty about the problems between us and felt like I had created a mountain out of a mole hill.

You see, all the caring acts of kindness create the huge mountain of love. The few acts of meanness create  the small mountain which we can either jump over or climb easily to the other side. I was so focused on the few hurtful incidences and I reviewed them constantly in my mind. I understood how little I had thought about the kind acts of service which she had performed on a regular basis. As soon as the favor was completed, it was out of my mind.

I resolved that day to remember the wonderful things people do for me. I refuse to allow them to go unnoticed. I don’t want to forget the glowing feeling I experienced when these favors were done for me. So when the day comes, as it always does in any relationship, that my friend or relative annoys me or worse, I will be armed to fight the negative thoughts with the remembrance of the good she or he has shown to me.  

Now I am actually applying it to all areas of my life and have a more positive approach to people in general. Sometimes we don’t want others to forget all the things they did wrong at our expense. In retrospect, we forget to remember and sustain the memories of all the things they did and said that were right for us. This is similar to the way we teach our child that we dislike what they did but we still love them. If we can sustain and appreciate love, beyond the moment, we will keep our friends and family close. For Everyone’s information, my friend and I are completely on track without any scratches or scars.

“You can give without loving but you can never love without giving.” Robert Louis Stevenson

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” Mark Twain

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FIND SERENITY IN THE MORAL STRUGGLE

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex and more violent. It takes a touch of genius and a lot of courage to move in the opposite  direction." Albert Einstein

We all have varying degrees of flexibility. As children, most of us exhibit lots of flexibility. As soon as a friend calls we are out the door. Growth and maturity appears to dampen our willingness to bend or stretch in different ways. If we think about this situation, we realize the sadness of our plight. We may be free in body but our minds and thinking become more and more enslaved until we perform our duties ritualistically.

We must call our parents, water the plants, clean the house, get a recipe for dinner that will impress our friends, find the right clothes for the right look etc. In all of this commotion have we thought what we are doing and if we are truly living or simply surviving? Reflect on how much love is given to us unconditionally by our parents. Ponder the living plants and the awesome beauty they bestow on us. House cleaning is overrated as much as connecting with people are underrated. Fabulous meals have more to do with the companionship we have with those who share the meal with us.

 Duty and ego have replaced love and affection. When we visit others we look back and recall the great conversations and spirited mood we enjoyed with them. We don’t even think about the manicured yard or neatly picked up house. Maybe it is time to reflect on our inner human focus rather than the outer peripheral nonsense. We would most likely save ourselves time and money.

We all love artistic beauty but not at the expense of the beauty we find in each other. Less time spent on silly jobs leaves us with more energy to give to the important things in life. Our priorities perhaps are messed up at the moment. As children we knew what counted. As adults we get lost. If we keep cluttering our minds with jobs that are really unimportant, we will miss doing what counts.

It is more important to spend time talking to your child than it is to mow your lawn. I watched two dads in two situations dealing with their children while they were working in the yard. Both children were two years old at the time. One dad screamed at his toddler for digging in an area where he had recently planted some gorgeous flowers. The child went screaming and crying alone, into a corner of the yard. I wondered as I observed, what had he just taught his child.

Another father in an adjacent lot had finished planting a row of various colored flowers. He stopped to take a long drink of water when his young son was standing in front of him with a fistful of flowers. They were a beautiful bouquet. His young son said as he shoved the flowers into his father’s hands, “I love you da”. I watched for the dad’s reaction. He was surprised when he realized they were the newly purchased and just planted flowers. The dad immediately scooped his son into his arms and hugged him tightly as he said “I love you too and thanks for the flowers.” Somehow I believe those flowers meant so much more in the dad’s mind and heart than they could ever mean to any observer who chanced to walk by them growing in the ground.

Children are a gift from God. Love them and tell them so every day. Recognize your obligation to them by respecting and nurturing them. If you are rough in your speech, or actions towards them especially regarding discipline, rethink and alter your behaviors and habits. Children can teach us to be spontaneous and how to recapture our love of living. They remind us to be flexible because when we are flexible our disappointment and anger decreases while our love and awareness increases.

"Blessed are the hearts that can bend. They shall never be broken." Albert Camus

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We All Need Space

“Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.” John Wooden

Needing space is not always about the living area. At times we need a break from certain people. We may love them and care about them but we need a break from them. By recognizing this important fact, we can keep a distance when necessary and not only maintain a relationship but have no guilt. When we attend to others we have a feeling of duty to be at their disposal. Maybe this is feasible some of the time. It is impossible to achieve all of the time. Admitting our own needs and responsibilities may alleviate the anxious feelings we have when we can’t always solve other people’s problems. Having empathy does not mean we can’t say no. At times we must say no at least for that moment. At a later date we may be able to fulfill another’s need but not at the present time.

We all feel overwhelmed with duty. Our thoughts say if you love this person you will find the time or find a way to help them with a difficulty. The end result is a total depletion of our own energy and spirit. This is not good. We need to maintain our own spirits in order to be of service to others. Maybe if we admitted we couldn’t take on a duty, it might be helpful to the person if they were required to do it for themselves. They may need to be able to gain confidence in their own ability. We may be completely unaware that we are creating a dependency. Even our elderly parents must acknowledge that our lives are important and deserve attention. I am not suggesting neglect but pacing. 

I don’t believe others are aware of the burdens they place on us. At the same time it is up to us to be alert to what we can and can’t do. By all means help others right away if it is within your power and you are up to the challenge. If your energy level is already diminished then refrain from making any more commitments. Unless your family or friend is in crisis mode, save the job for another day or allow them to garner help from another person.

The guilt of not being able to be at the disposal for another individual can overtake our logic and reason. Some of us believe we will not be loved if we don’t accommodate others whenever they ask. We can’t win love in this way. Our spouses, parents, siblings, friends and co-workers should step back and expect to compromise. The options might be a later date for the job to be performed or maybe the hiring of another person to do the job. Our bodies and minds need time to adjust and settle down after a long day. It may be a perfect time for the person requesting aid but a less than perfect time for us to accomplish the task.

We can’t feel guilty when we say no to requests. Dismiss any thoughts that the person in need will stop caring for us because we replied in the negative. A doormat gets used up quickly and tossed in the rubbish. When it begins to fray and spreads bristles, out it goes. Likewise we will also stretch bend and break. At that point we will be angry bitter exhausted and vengeful. This holds true for any relationship that is demanding and without empathy. Who cares if the rubbish or light bulb waits an extra week? The multitudes of tasks we deem so important are really irrelevant in the scheme of life. It seems more reasonable to ask another to visit for coffee and a chat. Release burdens others have created for you.

Being a people pleaser has more to do with our need for keeping love and maintaining a relationship.   Even when we have no stamina left we attempt to please others when asked. We want the approval even at the price of our own welfare. Neither guilt nor ego should prod us into wearing ourselves thin. It is important to maintain our mind and body. We don’t have to be constantly manipulated by others. It is wonderful to be kind helpful and caring but we can’t forsake our own needs. In order to be a contributing compassionate person, we can help others when possible within reason and without ulterior motives. Leave our guilt and duty behind and when we need rest simply say maybe later.

“I am thankful for a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home… I am thankful for the piles of laundry and ironing because it means my loved ones are nearby.” Nancie J. Carmody

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Sibling Rivalry Something Worth Thinking About

If we want our children to have a close relationship, we must learn to refrain from comparing them in any way. As soon as we place them in any kind of a competition, we are chipping away at their ability to maintain a healthy loving connectedness. When a new baby enters a household, havoc begins. The older sibling is threatened. After all they had mom and dad all to themselves. Now they must wait before their needs are met. Why would they want to embrace this new person arriving on the scene? Parents need to instruct the child but do not want to yell at them when they attempt to hit their sibling. You must talk about the new baby explaining how much the baby and they are loved. Keep an eye on what transpires but allow the resident sibling chances to view and touch as well as help with the new baby.

Of course aggression towards the new arrival must be dealt with in a teaching quiet demeanor. The older sibling is not always attuned to the benefits of having a sibling. At the moment the baby is seen as an intruder and a rival. If parents can discipline with kindness the child learns to gradually accept the new baby. If parents yell or constantly punish the older child, he or she resents the new baby.

As the new individual grows and is able to interact more with their sibling, the bonds develop. Now they have a companion in mischief. Parents must now be careful not to blame the older sibling for all of the wrongdoings even if they initiated most of the problems. Both children need to be admonished which will register fairness to the older sibling. Keeping the sibling relationship healthy is important. It also maintains a better rapport in the parent child relationship. As long as children understand they are not being replaced or losing the battle they will openly accept siblings.

There must never be the competition of who is the nicer child, more appealing or capable child or dependable child to mom and dad. Parents must attempt to hinder this attitude with other relatives. A simple reply of, “We don’t compare the kids,” is all that may be necessary. If children believe their sibling is to be blamed for their receiving less attention they will resent the new sibling. If the older sibling is always accused of making trouble, they will retaliate with anger and aggression.

Parents want to discipline their children and should. If you discipline with love especially when it comes to siblings, it allows you to maintain healthy relationships all around. Your children will support each other rather than compete. They will understand their parents love is unconditional and not based on their being more lovable or likable or smarter than their sibling or siblings. Arriving at this state of affairs brings greater harmony to the home and family as well as keeps feelings intact.

            Our attitude of fairness and restrictive competition ought to continue. Children need space to enjoy their own interests. They need the freedom to develop their true identities without the burden of parents’ wishes and desires. In so doing they develop skills of all kinds including empathy and love because they have been taught through their associations with parents and siblings. Rivalry has deceased from their home environment. Most likely it will appear outside of the home but they will have support to deal with those challenges.

            If parents nurture winning, they will foster competition and losers. If they foster life and love they will encourage empathy, empowerment and satisfaction in their children. Their kids will be more tempted to try new things because the pressure is off. If they fail at it they can move on to something else with their egos intact. The legacy we want to endow to our children is one of acceptance and love. They in turn will offer these attributes to others. We will have created strong individuals not easily pressured or controlled. The connectedness of love will be impossible to destroy.

All of us have experienced growing up in a variety of homes and situations. We may have to overcome dilemmas we experienced in those environments. We will most likely be parents one day and the enforcer of the guidelines. It will be up to us to choose wisely. If we are conflicted with the way our parents chose to raise us, then we have the opportunity to improve. We shouldn’t toss out blame or accusations at our parents, but we can improve our game. What an amazing world we will be creating for ourselves and our children and grandchildren. It really is something worth thinking about.   

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Never Allow Anger to Overpower Reason

How many times have we began a discussion with someone and ended up in an angry confrontation, or worse, an escalated battle. It happens. Especially when we are tired or simply overburdened, we tend to allow heightened sensitivities to overcome our thought processes. We may want to straighten out a disagreement or confront another about a sticky situation.  Even if we have set the time and place, we still must reflect on what we want to accomplish in this planned argument. We are fooling ourselves by thinking we are trying to resolve the conflict, when we are totally attempting to make our own arguments and win the battle.

               We might have pondered the conflict privately but determined we were not to be blamed. Having our facts ready to toss out and our opinions set, we basically are planning our attack. It is an attack because we are not thinking of compromising or seeing another’s point of view. We are thinking about our own purposes and are preparing for battle. This onslaught sends our opponent reeling. They are on the defensive and dig in their heels and fire off their own facts. The conflict immediately escalates and both sides are out of control. Both parties walk away feeling the other person was unreasonable. We blame them for the continued discord. It is difficult to accept any wrongdoing on our own part. We see another’s faults but rarely view our own. We defend our line of reasoning and shoot down the opponents arguments. How stubborn they appear to be.

               It is so difficult to accept any blame. It is so difficult to admit we are not completely or even remotely correct in our thinking. We are angry and anger takes over. Questioning our anger is the first thing we need to do. By reflecting on why we are so angry at this person and why we must prove them at fault is important in the healing process. To get over this dispute requires thinking, empathy and giving in to a break-down of predisposed ideas we have created. By contemplating we come to realize the other person has some good arguments and main points. By empathizing we enter into an understanding of their feelings and emotional state of mind. By breaking down the barriers we have created we make room for accommodating their new approaches.

                              Exhibiting anger never solves any problem. Anger never encourages an opponent to accept our viewpoint. Sometimes we must allow another to do something in their own way even if we believe they are heading for failure. If one learns from mistakes, it is not failure. In the end we might be pleasantly surprised to find out we were wrong. In order to keep peace, both parties must co-operate and learn how to agree to disagree. It can be simple. We don’t have to choose to make things more difficult. If we want a relationship with this person, we need to allow them to have their own opinions.

Our experiences are different. We bring different schematic to our lives from our childhoods through adulthood. Our tolerance levels are different as well as our personalities. What is unbearable for one person is more than tolerable for another. Our likes, opinions, ideals and goals reflect our own being. Our life lessons are varied and attuned to our being. We can only live our own life, and choose for ourselves. To make peace with anyone else we must respect them and their opinions. Stepping down from our thrones permits us to allow others not only to be wrong but also to be right. In the end what we want is connection and communication. We want a relationship that is intact. To have this requires respect and acceptance. Keep anger from clouding judgment.

               Anger at times is the result of loss of control. Another is challenging our viewpoints or our status. We feel threatened and retaliate. Fury can be jealousy because the object we desire is sharing themselves with others. Rage can be due to changes we are not ready to accept. Anger is a loss of power and influence. Anger can be our own lack of confidence in our ability to be ourselves. When we fear change we get angry. Those we love the most are the ones who anger us the most. We need this other person in order for us to somehow define ourselves. Many times we are dealing with our own inner issues and our uncertainty evolves into a frustration and anger that turns from inward damage to outward destruction. Resolve to solve your inner conflict before it consumes you and spreads outside of yourself. We always have power over ourselves and can always control our own anger if we choose.

               It is okay to let go, whether we are wrong or right. It is admirable to lose an argument, even when we know we are correct. It is alright to display our inadequacies. It is fine to follow once in a while because we don’t always have to lead. It is okay to love someone even from afar because love is free and without barriers. We must remember that by sharing love we have expanded it. We enjoy more support and increased freedom. Love will never be contained and shouldn’t be restricted. It is a better world to spread love than to disperse anger. That will always be a choice. 

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Toss Negative Effort And Save Positive Time

 “A moment’s insight is sometimes worth a life’s experience.” Oliver Wendell Holmes

“Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.” Albert Einstein

We have such busy lives and busy schedules that we spend very little time thinking before we speak. This of course causes many problems big and small. Our lack of contemplation before uttering words effectively concludes with what I call clean-up. We wind up fixing an assortment of confusion we have made because of our carelessness.

               It takes less time to listen intently when someone voices ideas, opinions, suggestions, criticisms, hurts, feelings or complaints, than to have to chase after the person and have them restate their issue. This is true in every situation involving a verbal interaction. Most of us have our minds set on other things we must do or want to do. Our intellect is just not focused on what the other person is revealing to us. Then we wonder later why we don’t have a clue about what transpired during our interaction with them.

               When husbands and wives are quarreling, it is essential for them to give their full attention to each other. In the end it saves time rather than diminishing  time. Total involvement with the problem at hand, allows us to give our complete ability and effort to work things out. Actually, dealing with one problem or issue at a time is better than contemplating an array of issues. Our mind is clearer and able to focus much better. Our intellect is not cluttered with an abundance of burdens. By listening, a husband and wife will not miss the positive and inviting words of compromise or praise. When we are surface listening we are keying in on the negative words such as ‘you always’, ‘you never’, ‘your fault’, ‘remember when’ and ‘I’ve had it’.

               Most of us have the attitude that I just don’t have time for this. In reality it is the most important thing we ought to make time for. In the end if our problems get resolved quickly, life flows smoothly in other areas. When problems continue to fester and loom on the horizon, other areas of our lives are full of negativity. In any relationship in crises, find the time to reflect and reason with the other person. By making time for the discussion, we are respecting the relationship we have with this other person. If we don’t make time for another, we are patronizing the person’s self-esteem and degrading their relationship with us. Now we have more to contend with.  The most natural result is we are at the receiving end of some pain the other individual sends back to us in retaliation. Reflecting on this for a moment allows us to understand why our differences would escalate from a battle to a war.

               Sometimes difficulties are easy to deal with when we make the time and focused effort. Even when there are more challenging issues, complete exertion and attention to the immediate problem will solve the difficulty a lot faster. Feelings are less apt to get injured because we are sticking with the issues rather than accusing the individual randomly.

Timing is not always perfect but personal problems should be considered an emergency.  In this way they will be dealt with a lot faster. The result will be less confrontation, shorter fighter, less personal attacks, and more intact people when the disagreement is over. Nobody has lost face, lost their self-respect, or been diminished by the episode. In the future the persons involved will be able to deal with disagreements in a shorter period of time. What we need to remember is to pay attention to the other person and consider them worthy enough for us to listen and argue attentively.

“It requires less character to discover the fault of others than to tolerate them.”  J. Petit Sen

IDENTIFYING HEROES

“Friendship is the only cement that will hold the world together.”

I wonder how many people admire rule breakers, or are inspired by them. At times we perceive them as courageous. The truth is they are seekers of a moment of fame. Recognizing what fame is helps us to understand who deserves it. There will never be any mention of those people who deserve a bit of fame for taking care of their neighbors. Such people watch out for them when the wife is left alone when her husband is on a business trip. Kindness is when an older woman is left widowed and has a house to shovel out or a yard to clean. Kindness is when a neighbor gets a prescription for a sick neighbor. These people are not all friends; they just care about a fellow human being. That is altruistic. They are not looking for anything in return nor do they expect anything in return.

These people who get up every day and go to work for the sake of the family are the famous people. These are the ones media should be focusing on. They make the difference in people’s lives. How many people volunteer time and commitment to others? This goes unnoticed. What we read about,in newspapers and on radios is what is sensationalized. what make headlines and what gets a person on television is being a rule breaker. The person who allows their child to talk back to a teacher because they got their feelings hurt will be all over the news. The person who allowed their child to hold onto the wheel of the car even though the child was underage will be front headlines. The people who kill others because of a job loss or broken heart will have their story printed across the country. What happened to doing the right thing just because it is the decent thing to do?  Why do we not give thoughtful hard working people the same acknowledgement and moment of fame? The altruistic people will be gone because we are valuing something far different.

We must encourage our children to help for the sake of helping. Many times there is a price tag attached. We are not teaching our children to take responsibility of a duty and complete it without a lot of praise. Some kids and adults take no accountability for their destructive attitudes and actions. Most of us live by the directives, pay me and I’ll do it. Yet there are real heroes all around us. How we began honoring sports heroes and television celebrities while disregarding the men and women who give of themselves continually is ludicrous. Although there are many in sports that live good lives there are just as many who seek the limelight and without scrutiny, are offered up as a role model. The problem is at times they have little to offer regarding ethics.

If media continues to give these people even a moment of fame, we will continue to witness the eye catching exploits of those with less than desirable morals. Maybe it is time to refer to the rule book and give praise where it is deserved. I know when we die we will all reap what we have sown. If we chase after elusive people and tenuous items we may find ourselves in a place that is not so beautiful. It may be time to teach our children the power of just being an honorable person. Teach our children the importance of doing something for no repay. The person who will let you pick the first donut, share the last cup of coffee in the pot, help you finish shoveling, and drive you to work when your car broke down, volunteer at soup kitchens, collect money for a charity, volunteer on a fire department  is the real hero only he or she doesn’t know it. Stop idolizing the rule breakers, and those that really care more about themselves and their glory and money. Ask yourself this question, if you needed help which person would you want standing beside you.

“Not in the clamor of the crowded street, nor in the shouts and plaudits of the throng, bit in ourselves are triumph and defeat.” Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

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What Everyone Ought to Know About Happiness

“Caring about others, running the risk of feeling, and leaving an impact on people, brings happiness.” Rabbi Harold Kushner

So many of us seek happiness and no matter how much money power or fame we achieve, it eludes us. Money can make our lives complicated. We purchase more material objects with our money and they break down and need to be fixed. We buy more tickets to movies, theatres, and traveling places and it basically eats up our time and energy. It isn’t that we don’t enjoy our money or the places we visit. We find ourselves sitting in a chair the next day wondering why we don’t have a big smile on our faces and brimming over with happiness. Instead we are exhausted and want to spend time alone.

Sometimes we strive to spend more time with others we care about, but they are so busy, they have little time to give us. This can make us feel unimportant to them. Searching inward we come to terms with the notion they don’t care about us as much as we care about them. It isn’t a good feeling and it doesn’t bring any happiness. We make new friends, join more groups or clubs, change our hair style, and buy new clothes and attempt to change our mindsets. Many times we end up alone and wondering what we did wrong and why are we unlikable.  The more we do for others, the less they reciprocate. When we need a friend we can’t find one. At times we think we have a giant target on our backs that says deplete me it’s okay. Others appear to have it all together. Maybe if we had more money or a better job or good friends or lived closer to family, things would be different.

We become more introverted and negative. We have little to say to others and they respond with quick retorts. Hasty responses begin to arise and we become consumed with feeling sorry for ourselves. Being so caught up in this state of mind, we completely ignore those standing beside us. We are after all suffering so much more than they are. The tunnel is dark and gloomy. We can’t find our way out. There is no one willing to help. Inadequacy in everything we get involved with is the norm.

Happiness has little to do with money, fame or friends. It truly is what we lite inside us. There is no measurement for fame. Maybe we are the hero in a young child’s eyes, or the one friend always depended upon by another. We may be the example of what a good neighbor is or the example to a stranger of what a kind person looks like. If we are constantly caught up in our own shortcomings and woes, we are unaware of what’s going on around us. So much is happening in front of us that we need to stop turning inward and look outward. We are missing so much of life if we don’t.

Some people who have more than enough money are not a bit happy. Some people with little money couldn’t be happier. Observe the dynamics of this situation. Happiness comes from our frame of mind and possibly from the parameters we set. If we believe we must have a certain amount of money to be happy or certain material gains then those become our restrictions for happiness. Break down the parameters and you allow yourself to be happy. If we feel we need to travel to faraway places to find happiness then again those are the restrictions. Tear them down and you can find pleasure walking in your neighborhood and chatting with the neighbors. When a person believes they would be more appealing if they had a better figure or fancier clothes, they have set their guidelines. Rip up the guidelines and really let the real you shine. Your personality is what gathers attention. Your clothes and figure get the first look but they cannot sustain a grumpy attitude. Suffice it to say you can start an exercise regime to help with the weight.

Happiness is not necessarily about being around those we love best in the world. It can be about loving those we are with. The secret to happiness has to do with Contentment with who we are and what we have. Contentment is the key word. That is what powers happiness. If we are content, we will be happy and we will be tuned into others and the world at large. Contented people come from all walks of life and from all economic levels. It is when you own the objects but they don’t own you. You can find pleasure in others and not limit yourself to a chosen few. If you limit yourself then you have shut out a multitude of people and you basically become a snob and a prejudiced person. Only those you have approved of can be your friends or be close to you.

When so many people are searching for love and acceptance it appears to be apparent that there are a lot of caring people looking for friendship. Don’t limit yourself or your power to love and be loved. We all really experience the same doubts, problems and fears. Just about all of us cover them up because we don’t want to display our weaknesses. None of us wants to appear vulnerable. Begin today to feel cheerful inside. Start with counting your positive good blessings. When you begin mulling this over, I would be surprised if a smile was not forming. Don’t let that smile or good feeling evaporate. Remember to begin each day reviewing what you should be thankful for. You will already be full of contentment and things can only get better.

“Happiness is the art of making a bouquet of those flowers within reach.” Anonymous

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Disappointment Depletes Energy

"We learn to walk by stumbling." Bulgarian Proverb
"courage is not limited to the battlefield. The real tests of courage are much quieter. They are the inner tests, like enduring pain when the room is empty, or standing alone when you're misunderstood." Charles Swindoll


With the holidays over, are you left with the disappointment? It goes across the board regarding gifts, missed opportunities for chatting with a certain relative, and believing our feelings have been totally disregarded. When people gather together the scene is set for total confusion, chaos and misunderstandings. Our minds are thinking about who we want to talk to and what we need to say to someone and questions we want to ask. What happens is we never get the opportunity to discuss anything with the person we wanted to talk to, we forgot to ask our questions and we never received any answers because someone interrupted us with other questions. This might sound familiar.

 Gifts are kind of like that. We may have been disappointed but I would guess that others probably were unhappy with the gifts we gave. Some people grumble to the world which is a bad idea because the negativity bounces back at us. Other people expect a return and still others pretend they liked the gift and then give it away or regift it. The point is that we all have our disappointments. If we want to complain about it to others we are making it bigger than it needs to be and giving life to an unimportant issue. Freeing ourselves from the negativity releases a burden and opens us up to happier and more positive things in life. Free will, allows us to search and concentrate on positive things rather than reviewing and remembering negative things. Many of us who experience a happy situation go home and may not think about it again. The opposite is true when we have a problem we didn't like. Sometimes we can't let it go and yet that is what we need to do.


If we created a tally list of pros and cons in the course of our day we would find the pros definitely outweigh the cons. If they don't then we need help in learning how to seek out and find the positive happenings in our life. people are not out to get us or hurt us. People  do care but at times may be distracted. Many times other people are in  the same boat as we are regarding hiding problems or tears and hurts and scars. We are human and we all suffer. By bringing anger into a situation we have built the mountain which we must climb over rather than deal with the mole hill which is easier to cross. If it is all about feelings of love or hate then ask yourself this, do you love others? If you do then it is probably reciprocal. We receive  what we are sending out. If others love us then they are not deliberately hurting us and to think otherwise is to cause us more hurt. We are choosing the hurt in many situations. Choose instead to reduce stress in your life, give others a break and especially give yourself a break. Focus on a time you caused another unintentional pain, remember how sad it made you feel and how much you wanted the other person to understand. Remember and grant others the forgiveness you sought for yourself. It comes back on us. If we slam the door, prepare one day for it to likewise slam on us.

"To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee." William H. Walton

"Hope works in these ways: it looks for the good in people instead of  harping on the worst; it discovers what can be done instead of  grumbling about what cannot; it regards problems, large or small, as opportunities; it pushes ahead when it would be easy to  quit; it "lights the candle" instead of "cursing the darkness." Anonymous

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Fear is worry; Happiness Is Attitude

"It is not work that kills men but worry. Work is healthy; you can hardly put more on a man than he can bear. But worry is rust upon the blade, it is not movement that destroys the machinery but friction. Hold yourself responsible for a higher standard than anybody else expects of you." Henry Ward Beecher

When we fear, we are defeated. We pay a price for what might  never happen. We waste the present for a conjured up future. We doubt our own ability  for a brighter day. Most of us are too busy living in the future that we have little time to enjoy the present. Measuring ourselves against others is a waste of time. It only encourages despondency. It is not that we cannot measure up to others. It is simply because we perceive an answer that is truly clouded in a shroud of mystery. We are making it up as we go along. We have an others life envisioned in our minds and expanded beyond truth. We pay the price of envy and jealousy by fearing our own inabilities and destroying our own striving towards success. In effect we have given up the fight and surrendered before we began the challenge. It can't be said enough that life is not about winners or losers. Life is striving for complaceny and peacefulness. It's about appreciating what we have and truly be totally happy with what we have. It's recognizing how much we have. Doing an inventory of the people we love and the things we cherish might be a reminder of how blessed and fortunate we really are. Striving to have more spiritually is a greater goal than reaching for more material objects. If one observes those with a tremendous about of objects, one notices that it is never enough and those people are striving for more material items. Does it end? Do we ever feel content? I believe contentment is the essence of success. Those who cherish what they have are happier than those who belive they need more. Wants and needs are two different animals. My father always said don't ever let "things" own you, you should own the things. As soon as you can't do without some item it owns you. If you can let material things go by the wayside, then they don't own you. Our thoughts should be on a higher good and a  higher self. Strive to be a better you and help others to do the same. It's like a boat taking on water. If we work together to empty out the water we'll make it to shore. If we decide we've done enough and that other person over there should do it then we'll  all sink. So what if we worked harder or longer or faster. We all made it safely to shore. Would it have pleased us to see them swallowed up by the water? Of course not we say. Yet we compete and fear losing or not measuring up to another. Trudging through problems together and rejoicing in victories, focusing only on the goal of a happy spirit, unites and brings us a peace and fearless life. It will be a life well spent.

"The game of life is a game of boomerangs. Our thoughts, deeds and words return to us sooner or later with astounding accuracy."  Florence Scovel Shinn

"I have learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our disposition, and not on our circumstances."  Martha Washington

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Get Rid Of Your Passive Aggression

"Life is simply time given to man to learn how to live. Mistakes are always part of learning. The real dignity of life consists in cultivating a fine attitude towards our own mistakes and those of others."
Anonymous

Hi I heard from a couople of MIL's. One stated how her son had asked her over to look at his latest work done on the house. Apparently her DIL was not aware. The MIL took the brunt of the anger through passive aggression. Her DIL never looked at her when she was talking herself or when her MIL was talking. She smiled a forced smile but was quick  with  her moves and stiff with her body language. MIL or DIL as well as people in general are guilty of passive aggression. If we think we cover it up we don't. We get the message across to others bluntly. The victim is at our mercy. If the victim complained the aggressor would deny what they were doing and state nothing could be further from the truth. The victim in a sense would become the complainer and one who imagines they are being shunned. We all know when we are getting the proverbial "Cold Shoulder". What do we achieve by doing this to another? We hurt the person at the receiving end. It is demeaning and usually from what I hear, the receiver is confused and trying to figure out why they are a target. Maybe we assume too much. We think they have done something that they most likely didn't do but we make them  guilty until proven innocent. Sometimes we can't prove our innocence. If we simply look for the best in others and assume they are never deliberately trying to hurt us, we all might thrive a lot better. Sometimes it seems that the people who think others are guilty of  saying or doing something negative to them are the people who are doing these things themselves. If we live our lives complaining about others and talking about others and perpetuating a "Cold Attitudes" towards them, it's time to ask ourselves if we are the guilty party. We all will play many roles in our lives. Remembering this should help us to live a more honorable life. A small hurt may hurt another and affect them for the rest of the day or week. In the same way a small gesture of kindness without attitude, may cheer a person for a day or a week. We always have the choice not only to increase our happiness but  the happiness of others.

"How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and the strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these." George Washington Carver

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Steering Around Holiday Potholes

"The game of life is a game of boomerangs. Our thoughts ,deeds, and words return to us sooner or later with astounding accuracy." Florence Scovel Shinn

Holidays remind us of past memories, which can be both good and bad. Keep the present holidays central, and be thankful to  share it with people you love. Each holiday is unique. It is not possible or necessary to repeat a holiday experience. Embrace each holiday with a renewed spirit. Be fair when dividing your Holiday time between families. It might not be possible to spend your holidays with your children. Share memories throughout the year with those you care about and forget what the calendar says. A vacation spent with the grandchildren is just as wonderful as a Holiday time gathering. This quiet time over the summer may be more enjoyable and have less stress. Everything and everybody changes. We can always hope for the best in these changes. Change avoids stagnation. Attempt to keep some traditions but be accepting of the new traditions. Happy, positive outlooks add to the mood of a holiday get-together. Nix the negative and promote the positive. You will always be a sought after member of the family.

"Each of us will one day be judged by our standard of life, not by our standard of living; by our measure of giving, not by our measure of wealth; by our simple goodness, not by our seeming greatness." William Arthur Ward

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On Reflection, Maybe The Gift Was Thoughtful.

"Kindness is more important than wisdom, and the recognitiion of this is the beginning of wisdom." Theodore Isaac Rubin
Stepphanie loved to cook. Her MIL hated to cook. Often Steph invited her MIL to dinner because she enjoyed how much her  MIL appreciated good food. Her MIL, Karen especially loved and would comment on Steph's  bread. One holiday Steph decided to buy a bread machine for her MIL. She could  hardly wait for her MIL to open the gift. Upon opening the gift, her MIL was extremely  dissappointed and appeared to be offended. Her MIL just stated Steph should keep the machine or return it because it wasn't something she would use. Steph was now offended herself  and the once strong bond of affection was strained. Both  women retreated to their own thoughts.
After a few days they talked. Karen said she understood that Steph would like her to start making her own bread so she didn't depend on Steph's invitations to dinner. Karen also explained that Steph should understand how much she hated to cook and would thus never use the machine.
Steph stated that she knew  how much Karen loved homemade bread and she wanted her MIL to enjoy it whenever she wanted without waiting for an invitation to dinner from Steph. Stephanie also explained that she was aware how much Karen hated to cook and she thought the machine was a compromise. It wasn't like homemade bread but it was better than store bought bread. Steph finished with how the machine was easy to use.
Both women were so surprised at the confusion the gift had caused. Don't measure the gift in terms of love. Many husbands have royally failed. One of my  husband's first gifts to me was a recipe card holder. I have told him many times he was lucky I went through with marrying him.
It will help at holiday time to think about the gifts of time that others have given. It is a much more valuable gift, and besides, isn't love unconditional?

"That best prtion of the good man's life- his little namelessness, unremembered acts of kindness and of love." Wadsworth

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The Most Important Step You Can Take

Hi
 I began this mother=in-law daughter-in-law investigation years ago and have continued my research. It was amazing to find the issues are the same for every generation. One item that keeps cropping up is communication and interpretation. We all have a dilemma with those. We miscommunicate to others and or misinterpretate what others say to us. MIL's and DIL's do this to each other. With some people we easily work it out but with in-laws we get nervous and shy away. MIL's must step back and realize the playing field has changed. To continue the relationship with their son and his family, she must not interfere with advice. What she thinks is helpful hints may be interpreted by her DIL as interference. The DIL's must understand that for many years MIL was her son's consultant and he trusts her. MIL needs time to accept the changes and DIL should refrain from any judgments for a short while. DIL is privy to the families problems but without the long history of love intertwined.  Time gives the DIL more confidence and the MIL more patience and self-control. Shutting each other out immediately will deprive both women of a multitude of love and support  in the years to come. The women have so much more in common than the realize.

My reflection for Mothers-in-law is, Pay to have certain jobs done if you can afford the money. It will save your son and daughter-in-law aggravation and an abundance of time. Appreciate any jobs they do for you.
My DIL reflection, Appreciate your mother-in-law's busy life when she declines to babysit, and appreciate her even more  when she does babysit.

"The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated." William James

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