APPRECIATING HUMANITY

xx"Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted."  Aldous Huxley
I was thinking about how many little things are done for me by others. It made me realize what a great support system I have and how little I have  respected it or was grateful. I didn't want to feel guilty which only sucks energy so I began to mull it over instead. I thought about how many times others call to check on me or my family, or offer to help me do things I can't handle myself. I thought about birthday cards surprise visits and friendly texts or e-mails. When I mention I am having a bad  time at that moment in my life I am surrounded with support. It may not always come exactly the way I planned but it refreshes soothes and turns my day around. The mail person who waits for me to walk to  my box instead of  tossing it in because I am still far down my driveway took the time to acknowledge me as a person. The person in the grocery store who got me another carriage so my bags wouldn't spill out and then got a person from the store to wheel out the second carriage was awesome. Many times I like to get into the bathroom first in the morning and my husband never complains. I  don't stop to thank him or others for the many nice things that are done for me. I say thank you at the time people do something nice but I don't  really think long or deeply about how wonderful the kindness actually was. I know if someone is mean to me I review it and go on and on about it until I am sick of thinking about it. I just wondered why I couldn't savor the kind Acts longer than I agonize over the mean acts. Most people appear to be like me because they do not remember things I did for them yet they will give a noticeable face or remark if I have erred. I  would like someone to explain why we think more about bad things than good things. It seems so ridiculous yet universal. I am beginning to think that it is why we fight with others and cut them out of our lives. It isn't because of the one small thing that they did to us. It is because we didn't remember all the wonderful acts they do that go unnoticed. Even my birds that come to the bird feeder give back more to me than I to them. They allow me into their world for awhile and they teach me about trust. I am so much larger than they yet they land in front of me without fear. They don't forget who I am or what I have done for them. Why do we as a species forget? I don't have the answer unless to say we like to argue and fight. I hope that isn't true but then one must ask how come so many people have problems with so many other people. It has to boil down to simply recalling the thoughtful moments we receive goodness. I need to be more grateful to the core. I need to start trying this today because my mail person just dropped my mail on the ground. I tell myself remember simply remember!
"Write your injuries in the sand and write your  assistances in the cement." Anonymous

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LEAVE YOUR EGO AT HOME THEN ENJOY THE PARTY

At Holiday get-togethers we sometimes spend more time worrying about the family we will be interacting with, than the simple pleasure of their company. We are wasting a happy occasion with our non-stop anxieties. Many of these fears are of our own making and actually carry no weight. Other family members who are also attending are probably bringing their own set of worries. All of us are oblivious to each other because we are focusing on our own thoughts about the Holiday. Likely we all feel insecure about ourselves and it registers with fear, anxiety, distrust, and worry. We are not paying the slightest attention to others. We are solely focused on ourselves and our concern of the judgments of others. If we could simply view the Holiday gathering with different eyes we might be able to enjoy the upcoming event. My best to  you with this endeavor. I offer a few of my insights on family bonding.

These are some tips on how to deal with SIL relationships and create a positive culture in your family amongst the siblings and siblings-in-law:

• Competing with your siblings -in-law creates a no-win situation. Being right or wrong is not as important as how well everyone's sense of worth remains intact. Maintain your self-confidence, and be cognizant of the vulnerability in others. Words spoken from the tips of tongues are not profound deliberations.

• Siblings-in-Law as well as siblings compete somewhat, but parents ought to downplay this circumstance. If parents unwittingly encourage this behavior, then it could possibly continue and have an influence on the closeness of siblings. The result may be a competitive relationship amongst their children which follows them into adulthood.

• Siblings-in-law, who choose to misconstrue the mother-in-law's remarks, may get as close to a disaster as anyone could.  This woman is the mother of this young man and she loves him unconditionally, but judgments will proclaim their own erroneous analyses.

• One must be reminded that sometimes we create our own competition. It may not always be the mother-in-law or the sibling-in-law causing it. The mother-in-law or sibling-in-law could become the scapegoat, but they may be innocent.

• Every time a sibling-in-law shares the most recent event in her young child's life does not mean she is boastful. Size is not better. Learning is not intelligence. Athletic ability is not valor. Beauty never denotes inner quality. Why do we fret? We cannot be insecure. Pitting siblings or grandchildren against each other creates animosity and tension.

• A person relishes promising comments and praise of their child. This will also create bonds of friendship with your siblings-in-law. The end result is an ally and a pal you can confide in. Compliments stimulate greater achievement.

• Look for the things you have in common with your siblings-in-law. This will help you to bond with each other. Extend equal acceptance of your nieces or nephews. Refrain from comparing children. They are all unique individuals, with their own talents and personalities.

• Diversity makes life more interesting. With girls, beauty might become another area that causes suffering. Many sisters, as well as sisters-in-law, are compared. How do we decide what beauty, strength or kindness is or is not? Might strength be enduring a childhood illness, accepting rejection by others or rejection from joining a team as well as being the best player on a team? Is strength accepting a job loss without blaming our spouse, enduring the guiding of a difficult child, suffering the loss of a loved one? Our lives are complicated enough and loaded with trials.  Many of us don't recognize our own or the achievements of others. Jealousy creeps in when we believe we are burdened but others have it easier.

• A trace of jealousy may always be present, but it can be kept in restraint. All of us struggle to balance our lives with peace and happiness. We can presume on the surface that others have life easier than we do, but everyone struggles. Some hide the labor better than others do, and some complain less, but the grind is enduring for all. Supporting each other as well as managing the jealous tendencies can make life so much easier.  Remember that praise and gratefulness go a long way in healing pain, frustration, and envy. 

• Families with a culture of competitiveness among adult children will likely foster anger, frustration, and guilt. Be cognizant of the fact that all children in the family can be depended upon to carry out distinct undertakings. Some children are prodigious at inviting their parents for dinner and entertaining them. Other children are present when there is a difficulty. Still others will assume major responsibilities for their parents if the time and need arises. Siblings can't feel they have let their parents down because they didn't do what another sibling did. This will cause disharmony in their sibling relationship.

Would you say you have a good relationship with your SIL? If so, how do you make it work so well?

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A PLACE TO ESCAPE

Has anyone discovered how fast our energy depletes when we are around negative thinking people? At times we may give freely of our advice and listening ear but sometimes we deplete our own resources. We are not always aware of how easily they take our energy. Likewise, we can deplete our own energy when we spend so much time reflecting on the hurts and  insults we received throughout the day. In order to release these harmful thoughts, we must review the positive remarks others have sent our way and drop the negative emotions tied to any words or actions sent our way. I know it always sounds easier than it is to do. Actually by focusing on happier moments of interactions throughout the day we manage to let go of or block out feelings of humiliation or lack of self-worth. It is so difficult for me to let go of these restraining bonds I create with my negative thoughts. They come as a result of the injurious retorts others lash out at me. I reflected on this and realized how much wasted time I was giving to horrible feelings which mean acts had caused. My focus began to turn to more positive thoughts and I suddenly began  to perk up and feel better. My conclusion  was to keep my thoughts on higher subjects, purer ideas and soul boosting happy thoughts. It works  so for those who can't seem to keep out the negative, take my advice and think about happy things, places and people, actions, projects and awe inspiring details. You won't have room for those negative thoughts and they are put to rest. One son told me one time that I didn't always get angry with someone or something because I went to my happy place. I agree and recommend it to everyone.
 The next time someone takes more than their share of your good energy,  advise as best you can and then walk away, change the  subject, or go to your happy place and refresh your own  soul. In the end you will increase your energy. All of us at times need a boost in our resources but we should never take all of it from another. Let insults roll off of your back and they won't get stuck to you. Let negative thoughts of another dwindle and you will be flowing with enthusiasm. Look for the good in people and dismiss what you don't like in them. We are all such a mixture and more jumbled on any given day.Our moods are ours to control. As my son says "Mom just goes to her happy place." I reply, "You're welcome to come."

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Tension Improves Development

"Some tension is good for the soul to grow, and we can put that intention to good use. We can look for every opportunity to give and receive love, to appreciate nature, to heal our wounds and the wounds of others, to forgive and to serve." Joan Borysenko, from Handbook for the Soul


I keep coming back to fear because more mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law ask questions that are basically loaded with their fears. they do not specifically say I fear this or that but it blazes through their questions. DIL's fear losing control, measuring up, and losing their husbands love. They worry about being number one. MIL's fear losing their son and grandchildren. they angst over losing their sons' confidence in them because of feeling undermined with truth stretching by their DIL. I think that love, jealousy and power are the culprits. We don't have to be a MIL or a DIL to want these things. We are too  wrapped up in power and control. Once we understand how little control we have over anything in our lives the calmer and happier we become. Just because someone has the power doesn't mean they have the best answers nor the respect. We don't seem able to learn that power is within and when one has it we have no need to flaunt it or use it to rise above anyone else. Real power lifts another above oneself. Honest power is without jealous tendencies and comes to someone's aid not because they are a friend or family but because they are another human being in  need of help. Power is the ability to love all others and to see our connections to others. If we treated everyone like family, there would be abundant support for everyone. No one would be hungry, hurt or in emotional pain. If we can cross the line, we won't be drawing any lines that prevent others from crossing. Most of us live in small worlds. Until we see the world differently we will continue to have issues with each other. There is enough love to go around for everyone to share. We don't need to consume it all ourselves. We don't have all the answers nor are we always correct in our thinking. It takes less energy to simply get along and strive for peace than it does to declare war and fight for control. If there isn't really any control then what did we fight with our DIL or MIL about? Fighting within the home releases negativity which causes us to fight among neighbors, states, and countries. The answer might be simple. Let go of power and control urges, jealousy and fear passions, and worries and anxieties. Your whole being will be lighter, you'll smile more, you'll observe, hear, see, and feel more. You will carry so much less baggage and your conscience will be clear. I know which option I will choose.

"Do a little more than you're paid to. Give a little more than you have to. Try a little harder than you want to. Aim a little higher than you think possible, and give a lot of thanks to God for health, family and friends." Art Linkletter

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How To Stop Self-Destructive Behavior

"Using guilt as a tool to coerce your son or husband diminishes growth in relationships. Your son/husband possesses the capacity to love both his wife and his mother."

I was at a park the other day and overheard a DIL ripping her father-in-law to shreds. Her acquaitence appeared to be the unwilling victim as she tried to diminish every incident the woman discussed. In between her anger the angry woman mentioned that she was at the moment living with her in-laws because she was having a house built. She also mentioned that she'd lived with them before when pregnant with her,  first child because of the painting being done at her house. In all of this it never occurred to her that the house of her in-law's had been opened to her  and her husband and their two children for as long as they needed. Her MIL was barely mentioned which I would say was a good thing. If we only see our side of any situation, we will never find the truth. It's never easy to live with anyone without having some disagreements from time to time. Living with ones' in-laws may open a can of worms. On the other hand one must observe the situation in its entirety. If you are saving money, time aggravation, you are well ahead of the situation. To accept with dignity, the small irritations which only become huge when one dwells on them too long, is a necessity. The  rewards outweigh the minor failings. I say this all the time, but put yourself in another's shoes. The in-laws may not be relishing the situation any more than you are and to boot, they are not gaining any appreciation in the matter. Most likely they are doing it becasue they love their son and his family. It doesn't mean they are  not totally inconvenienced themselves. Making the best of a situation as well as perceiving the gains and benefits to our children and family in general will cancel out problems. Life is made easier when we come to realize the world is not about me. There is a world of me's. Look for the positive and be happy or see only the negative and be miserable. The choice is always our own. What will you choose today?

"The core jproblem is not that we are too passionate about bad things, but that we are not passionate enough about good things." Larry Crabb

"Gratitude conserves the vital energies of a person  more than any other attitude tested." Hans Selve

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The Most Important Step You Can Take

Hi
 I began this mother=in-law daughter-in-law investigation years ago and have continued my research. It was amazing to find the issues are the same for every generation. One item that keeps cropping up is communication and interpretation. We all have a dilemma with those. We miscommunicate to others and or misinterpretate what others say to us. MIL's and DIL's do this to each other. With some people we easily work it out but with in-laws we get nervous and shy away. MIL's must step back and realize the playing field has changed. To continue the relationship with their son and his family, she must not interfere with advice. What she thinks is helpful hints may be interpreted by her DIL as interference. The DIL's must understand that for many years MIL was her son's consultant and he trusts her. MIL needs time to accept the changes and DIL should refrain from any judgments for a short while. DIL is privy to the families problems but without the long history of love intertwined.  Time gives the DIL more confidence and the MIL more patience and self-control. Shutting each other out immediately will deprive both women of a multitude of love and support  in the years to come. The women have so much more in common than the realize.

My reflection for Mothers-in-law is, Pay to have certain jobs done if you can afford the money. It will save your son and daughter-in-law aggravation and an abundance of time. Appreciate any jobs they do for you.
My DIL reflection, Appreciate your mother-in-law's busy life when she declines to babysit, and appreciate her even more  when she does babysit.

"The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated." William James

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Thoughtful Interactions Are Obligatory

"There are two ways of exerting one's strength: one is pushing down, the other is pulling up."

Mothers-in-Law and Daughters-in-Law need to tread carefully when dealing with control versus diplomacy. Our needs obviously prioritize our choices. These choices should not suppress or deprive the necessities of others. Consideration of humanity obliges us to reflect on the needs and wants of others. Manipulation can be powerful in controlling another. Resolutions are attainable with reasoning and logic, as well as consideration of others. Final solutions do not guarantee complete satisfaction, but they  might feasibly assure understanding and placation. Using guilt as a tool to coerce your son/husband lowers his effectiveness, concentration, and production. Never forget, the man loves you both.

"The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious  of none." Thomas Carlyle
Remember,"You can't be a smart cookie if you have a crummy attitude." John Maxwell

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The Give And Take In Any Relationship

Hi all
If you have any thoughts you would like  to share I'd love to hear them. I spent some time with my DILs over the weekend. I really appreciate the time and effort they  give to me. I feel like I have increased my support group. I know they are pleased when I can help out with babysitting. I believe it is always a give and take in any relationship. There are times when we think we are giving 95%. We might just be right about that. Just wait a little bit and you will discover you are in need of the 95% and the tables turn. I don't believe in keeping track of kind deeds. When we care we don't keep a tally. My philosophy is if I can do something for someone I do it, no strings attached. Whenever I am the recipient of a kind deed I consider myself fortunate, but I don't ever feel that I must reciprocate. It is easier for us to get along with friends because we never expect them to do anything. We are pleased when they do something for us. With family we expect so much and we are disappointed when it doesn't happen. Time to appreciate any small nice service done for us. Time to think about doing something for others without expecting a return. This will please all of us tremendously, and disappoint nobody. 


"The greatest tragedy in America is not the great waste of natural resources- though this is traagic; the biggest tragedy is the waste of human resources because the average person goes to his grave with his music still in him." Oliver Wendell Holmes

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Divorce At Any Age Hurts

I heard today from a young friend that her parents were getting a divorce. They had been married over 25 yrs. My friend is married yet so very hurt and yes traumatized. It might seem crazy but divorce hurts the children regardless of age. It brings it back to relationships and understanding. At times, we just don't understand an other's motives, words or actions. Many times we jump to conclusions that are not true. As a DIL I remember times when I felt the  cold shoulder from my MIL and I would think hard about what I might have done to cause it. Now that I am a MIL I wonder why my DIL's might be quiet. I sat down one day and laughed because it occurred to me that maybe they had just had a fight and their attitudes had nothing to do with me. We assume everything is about us. but if we reflect enough we realize that the world is not revolving around any of us. others are not pondering what we do or say. We should not take attitude to heart. It might be coming from so many places and our MIL and DIL relationship does not need this pressure. Believing we are on safe ground with our in-law allows us the freedom to relax and trust in the relationship. Entertaining thoughts of doubt breeds suspicion and doubt. If everything we say and do is never ever done with any malice or revenge, then we are secure in an honest trustworthy situation. Let the awkward moods pass unnoticed. We all have bad days.

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How To Give A Boot To The Bumps And Snags

Any relationship, whether we are talking marriage partners siblings parents or in-laws, requires patience, humor, and respect. The best of relationships have their share of bumps and snags. If we believe it is worth the effort we struggle through enduring a few pains along the way. The problem with the MIL DIL relationship is that sometimes a MIL or DIL doesn't recognize the importance of their connections. Mothers are universal. Raising children is universal. We all have those commom bonds. The husband/son is loved by both women. It's worth the effort to find a peaceful co-existence. The final result may often be that we actually like this person and enjoy this person. MIL and DIL may end up supporting and helping each other. That is really what life is all about. It is realizing we are in this together and any assistance we get is appreciated. Love makes one feel happy and comforted. Hate makes one anxious and angry. Indifference makes one lifeless and without stamina. Give love a chance to thrive and grow.

 "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." Martin Luther King

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Sagging Self-Esteem

Never use love as a tool of manipulation. A young man willing to please his  wife may unwittingly hurt his  mother. The same young man who has always consulted and trusted his mother's input may incense his wife who perceives his decision as disloyal to her. Again MIL needs to back off and DIL need to chill. There needn't  be jealousy between these two  important people. Both have a permanent place in his heart. One is a part of his past family and the other a part of his present family. Both can be a part of the future family.

"Does your self- esteem ever drag? Remember what you are worth." Max Lucado

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Always Question Assumptions

When viewing an issue from another perspective, we are given the opportunity to assimilate that viewpoint, and accommodate it through the eyes of our own experience. Each individual's circumstance is distinct. Each situation is likely to be distinct in certain circumstances, yet universal in other respects. More reflection leads to questioning assumptions. The Mother-in-Law Daughter-In-Law is a universal dilemma. It is an unintentionally significant relationship. It requires patience time effort and reflection. Jealousies need to be set aside. Control must be loosened and dropped altogether. judgments have to be rescinded. Compromise and tolerance is necessary. The relationship can be an evolving dream or nightmare. It really is up to the two women involved. Husband must refrain from involving their mothers in discussions and arguments. The  girl's mother must refrain from dumping guilt on her daughter every time she spends a happy time with her Mother-in-Law. Mothers-in-law should provide  space, acceptance of the amount of time she receives, and she must give her son wings to fly in his own direction, making his own decisions. His wife's mother must really do the same. Jealousy is common but can be overcome. Control can be released and power to live one's own life, is exhilarating. We can share in the lives of other people without overshadowing them. Stepping too far leaves us beyond the gate. Sharing within bounds allows us inspirational moments of time to add to our cherished memory banks.

"Real education should educate us out of  self,  into something far finer; into a selflessness which links us with all humanity." Nancy Astor

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