A PLACE TO ESCAPE

Has anyone discovered how fast our energy depletes when we are around negative thinking people? At times we may give freely of our advice and listening ear but sometimes we deplete our own resources. We are not always aware of how easily they take our energy. Likewise, we can deplete our own energy when we spend so much time reflecting on the hurts and  insults we received throughout the day. In order to release these harmful thoughts, we must review the positive remarks others have sent our way and drop the negative emotions tied to any words or actions sent our way. I know it always sounds easier than it is to do. Actually by focusing on happier moments of interactions throughout the day we manage to let go of or block out feelings of humiliation or lack of self-worth. It is so difficult for me to let go of these restraining bonds I create with my negative thoughts. They come as a result of the injurious retorts others lash out at me. I reflected on this and realized how much wasted time I was giving to horrible feelings which mean acts had caused. My focus began to turn to more positive thoughts and I suddenly began  to perk up and feel better. My conclusion  was to keep my thoughts on higher subjects, purer ideas and soul boosting happy thoughts. It works  so for those who can't seem to keep out the negative, take my advice and think about happy things, places and people, actions, projects and awe inspiring details. You won't have room for those negative thoughts and they are put to rest. One son told me one time that I didn't always get angry with someone or something because I went to my happy place. I agree and recommend it to everyone.
 The next time someone takes more than their share of your good energy,  advise as best you can and then walk away, change the  subject, or go to your happy place and refresh your own  soul. In the end you will increase your energy. All of us at times need a boost in our resources but we should never take all of it from another. Let insults roll off of your back and they won't get stuck to you. Let negative thoughts of another dwindle and you will be flowing with enthusiasm. Look for the good in people and dismiss what you don't like in them. We are all such a mixture and more jumbled on any given day.Our moods are ours to control. As my son says "Mom just goes to her happy place." I reply, "You're welcome to come."

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SUSTAINING APPRECIATION BEYOND THE MOMENT

“Acts of love are what will bring peace to your life and to the world.” Dr. Lee Scampolsky

Whenever another person does something for me, it fills my spirit with thanks and total appreciation for them in my life. The problem for me and I am sure for most people is to maintain that appreciation past the thankful moment. When we are sick we call on a friend or family member and they come running to help us. When we are feeling better we don’t think as much about them. I know we will help them in return if they need us but the focus of their kind acts shifts to the background of our lives.

When our car breaks down, our pets need to be looked after while we are on vacation, we need a babysitter, cheering up, help in a desperate time of need, someone comes to our aid. Fast forward to a future time and place. The person who has helped us out numerous times suddenly says or does something we don’t like. Now we forget immediately, all the times they were there for us. We get angry and hurt and we lash out and dismiss them with nothing more than a blink of the eye.

If this is something you have done or experienced, you are in the majority group. You go home and try to understand what just happened to you. Maybe they don’t recall your generous time effort and money but you certainly do and you can’t believe how fast they turned on you. I have been at the receiving end of such situations and pondered the numerous things I had done for this person and I found it hard to believe they didn’t count my many offerings of love and generosity of time and money.

Recently I was on the other side of the situation. A good friend infuriated me and I lashed out without thinking. It didn’t escalate but I went home upset and then refused to answer her phone calls or e-mails. For days I reviewed what she had done to me and my fire was fueled. I eventually answered her calls and we talked about things unrelated to our problem. Our relationship was somewhat back on track but I had the feeling it could never be the same.

Then I needed help and the first person I thought of was my friend. I felt uneasy about it but I asked and she answered immediately. After the incident I sat reflecting on what had just transpired. My friend was my friend regardless of our recent strained issues. She came through just as she had always come through for me. I then recalled how many times I came through for those who had tossed me aside. I asked myself why we get up and go back for more.

It occurred to me that the reason was love. When you love someone you put aside petty disagreements and take care of their needs. The arguments wait for another day. Enlightenment happened at that precise moment. I began contemplating all the wonderful times my friend and I had shared. I recalled the multiple times she was at my side when I needed her to be. I began to feel guilty about the problems between us and felt like I had created a mountain out of a mole hill.

You see, all the caring acts of kindness create the huge mountain of love. The few acts of meanness create  the small mountain which we can either jump over or climb easily to the other side. I was so focused on the few hurtful incidences and I reviewed them constantly in my mind. I understood how little I had thought about the kind acts of service which she had performed on a regular basis. As soon as the favor was completed, it was out of my mind.

I resolved that day to remember the wonderful things people do for me. I refuse to allow them to go unnoticed. I don’t want to forget the glowing feeling I experienced when these favors were done for me. So when the day comes, as it always does in any relationship, that my friend or relative annoys me or worse, I will be armed to fight the negative thoughts with the remembrance of the good she or he has shown to me.  

Now I am actually applying it to all areas of my life and have a more positive approach to people in general. Sometimes we don’t want others to forget all the things they did wrong at our expense. In retrospect, we forget to remember and sustain the memories of all the things they did and said that were right for us. This is similar to the way we teach our child that we dislike what they did but we still love them. If we can sustain and appreciate love, beyond the moment, we will keep our friends and family close. For Everyone’s information, my friend and I are completely on track without any scratches or scars.

“You can give without loving but you can never love without giving.” Robert Louis Stevenson

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” Mark Twain

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HANDLING RESENTMENT

"Set peace of mind as your highest goal, and organize your life around it." Brian Tracy

At times we believe jealousy is the furthest thing from our minds. The truth is it is always close by and waiting to pounce unexpectedly. We are content to hear of the problems of others. It can make us feel improved. It allows us to think of being contented. We are superior to the person whose problems we are listening to. We gain more support in difficult or unhappy times than when we are celebrating cheerful periods. It is curious but we feel better when another is hurting. We feel jealous when another is rejoicing. At first glance we deny this but on a second glance we face the reality of our thoughts.

              "Envy is a symptom of lack of appreciation of our own uniqueness and self-worth. Each of us has something to give that no one else has."  Elizabeth O'Connor 
In times of trouble people act diminished and less competitive. They give up the fight. That is when we are offering support and feel superior to their dilemma. When times are good for another, we feel beaten and act defeated. In truth we are not a winner or loser in either event. That is the secret. We are choosing our feelings about a given situation. We may feel more like a hero when we are giving help. Likewise we feel more defeated when we require aid. Most of us keep our issues to ourselves and manifest jealousy in response to another’s pleasure. They have what we would like. In our minds they don’t deserve it or they don’t warrant it any more than we do. We ask ourselves why they possess something we don’t have.

               Within this questioning process we feel sorry for ourselves, frustrated about our lot and angry with others we perceive as in a loftier position. We begin to perseverate on how they achieved what they exhibit, and how boastful they appear to be. In reality these people may not be arrogant at all. They may possess certain comforts but are not owned by their possessions. The judgments we project about any given situation is not necessarily the reality of it. Building something bigger than it actually is creates our feelings of jealousy. We attribute all kinds of bad concepts to the situation and people we are jealous about.

               To stop resentment we need to focus only on what is good and what is working in our lives. How much do we have is more important than how much is deficit. Striving for superficial happiness is at the root of some jealous moments. In reality this apparent pleasure may bring an insurmountable problem or work that may leave us defeated. Acquiring an object of desire comes with a price. The price can be higher than we thought and costlier than we wanted to pay. Appreciating what we have is important. If we stop our jealous tendencies, we may stop our low moods. Our lives will be more joyful and we will live in the moment.

               When one settles for something for the time being, wishing to always have something more, one is living in a future time based on a dream. This person is missing the present time completely to the point of destroying it through covetousness. The person cannot cope with what is so they only envy what they are lacking. It destroys self-esteem, energy, cooperation, love and happiness. Jealousy destroys the good time in the present by not allowing you to enjoy another’s friendship, property or talents. People and material items are not to be envied. Our lives are worth so much more. Happiness comes from within and needs to be celebrated from without. Enjoy every moment you have and cherish it because it is the treasure we strive for but never find as long as we fill our hearts and minds with jealous theories that leave no room for true satisfaction and meaning.

"A good criterion for measuring your success in life is the number of people you have made happy." Robert J. Lumsden

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Tension Improves Development

"Some tension is good for the soul to grow, and we can put that intention to good use. We can look for every opportunity to give and receive love, to appreciate nature, to heal our wounds and the wounds of others, to forgive and to serve." Joan Borysenko, from Handbook for the Soul


I keep coming back to fear because more mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law ask questions that are basically loaded with their fears. they do not specifically say I fear this or that but it blazes through their questions. DIL's fear losing control, measuring up, and losing their husbands love. They worry about being number one. MIL's fear losing their son and grandchildren. they angst over losing their sons' confidence in them because of feeling undermined with truth stretching by their DIL. I think that love, jealousy and power are the culprits. We don't have to be a MIL or a DIL to want these things. We are too  wrapped up in power and control. Once we understand how little control we have over anything in our lives the calmer and happier we become. Just because someone has the power doesn't mean they have the best answers nor the respect. We don't seem able to learn that power is within and when one has it we have no need to flaunt it or use it to rise above anyone else. Real power lifts another above oneself. Honest power is without jealous tendencies and comes to someone's aid not because they are a friend or family but because they are another human being in  need of help. Power is the ability to love all others and to see our connections to others. If we treated everyone like family, there would be abundant support for everyone. No one would be hungry, hurt or in emotional pain. If we can cross the line, we won't be drawing any lines that prevent others from crossing. Most of us live in small worlds. Until we see the world differently we will continue to have issues with each other. There is enough love to go around for everyone to share. We don't need to consume it all ourselves. We don't have all the answers nor are we always correct in our thinking. It takes less energy to simply get along and strive for peace than it does to declare war and fight for control. If there isn't really any control then what did we fight with our DIL or MIL about? Fighting within the home releases negativity which causes us to fight among neighbors, states, and countries. The answer might be simple. Let go of power and control urges, jealousy and fear passions, and worries and anxieties. Your whole being will be lighter, you'll smile more, you'll observe, hear, see, and feel more. You will carry so much less baggage and your conscience will be clear. I know which option I will choose.

"Do a little more than you're paid to. Give a little more than you have to. Try a little harder than you want to. Aim a little higher than you think possible, and give a lot of thanks to God for health, family and friends." Art Linkletter

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Disappointment Depletes Energy

"We learn to walk by stumbling." Bulgarian Proverb
"courage is not limited to the battlefield. The real tests of courage are much quieter. They are the inner tests, like enduring pain when the room is empty, or standing alone when you're misunderstood." Charles Swindoll


With the holidays over, are you left with the disappointment? It goes across the board regarding gifts, missed opportunities for chatting with a certain relative, and believing our feelings have been totally disregarded. When people gather together the scene is set for total confusion, chaos and misunderstandings. Our minds are thinking about who we want to talk to and what we need to say to someone and questions we want to ask. What happens is we never get the opportunity to discuss anything with the person we wanted to talk to, we forgot to ask our questions and we never received any answers because someone interrupted us with other questions. This might sound familiar.

 Gifts are kind of like that. We may have been disappointed but I would guess that others probably were unhappy with the gifts we gave. Some people grumble to the world which is a bad idea because the negativity bounces back at us. Other people expect a return and still others pretend they liked the gift and then give it away or regift it. The point is that we all have our disappointments. If we want to complain about it to others we are making it bigger than it needs to be and giving life to an unimportant issue. Freeing ourselves from the negativity releases a burden and opens us up to happier and more positive things in life. Free will, allows us to search and concentrate on positive things rather than reviewing and remembering negative things. Many of us who experience a happy situation go home and may not think about it again. The opposite is true when we have a problem we didn't like. Sometimes we can't let it go and yet that is what we need to do.


If we created a tally list of pros and cons in the course of our day we would find the pros definitely outweigh the cons. If they don't then we need help in learning how to seek out and find the positive happenings in our life. people are not out to get us or hurt us. People  do care but at times may be distracted. Many times other people are in  the same boat as we are regarding hiding problems or tears and hurts and scars. We are human and we all suffer. By bringing anger into a situation we have built the mountain which we must climb over rather than deal with the mole hill which is easier to cross. If it is all about feelings of love or hate then ask yourself this, do you love others? If you do then it is probably reciprocal. We receive  what we are sending out. If others love us then they are not deliberately hurting us and to think otherwise is to cause us more hurt. We are choosing the hurt in many situations. Choose instead to reduce stress in your life, give others a break and especially give yourself a break. Focus on a time you caused another unintentional pain, remember how sad it made you feel and how much you wanted the other person to understand. Remember and grant others the forgiveness you sought for yourself. It comes back on us. If we slam the door, prepare one day for it to likewise slam on us.

"To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee." William H. Walton

"Hope works in these ways: it looks for the good in people instead of  harping on the worst; it discovers what can be done instead of  grumbling about what cannot; it regards problems, large or small, as opportunities; it pushes ahead when it would be easy to  quit; it "lights the candle" instead of "cursing the darkness." Anonymous

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See the Goal

"Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Probably the most discouraging thing is to repeat mistakes. We all have great intentions of kicking a bad habit or behaving in a different way but many times we resort to the familiar response and again regret our transgression. We beat ourselves up about it after and how our  lack of resolve wasn't strong enough. I am also one of those people who tries again and again to do what I think is right but many times I fail. I at times think I should just forget it because I am incapable of changing but then the old conscious kicks in and begs me to try another attempt  which I do. As I reflect over the years on my attempts I realize that some higher power is at work and that my trials have become more difficult. It is at that moment that I realized that the temptations have had an increase of energy. It then occurred to me that maybe as I passed one trial I have had an increase in intensity. Just  maybe with each baby step of choosing the honorable path, I am encouraged to keep going further in order to perfect my responses. Not sure but it appears that way to me. Of course along the route there are numerous failures too numerous to count. What I am  trying to say is maybe just maybe we are all making progress even when we can't see any movement toward the better. It is never about succeeding on the first second or thousandth time. It's about maintaining the effort to keep trying that counts.

If we do not keep attempting then we'll never succeed. A teeny weensy baby step is worth more than no attempt whatsoever. The message is clear to never give up. We totally lose when we do give up. If we have a temper and yell very loudly then the next time we are a tiny bit less loud than the time before, we have made progress. We may still be yelling quite loudly but the knowledge that  we tried is there with us and a reminder that we are aware of our battles. Isn't half the battle the knowledge that we admit our faults (at least some) and begin to challenge ourselves to alter our behaviors? Stop belittling yourselves. Pat yourself on the back every time you put effort into correcting a fault. Rejoice every time your attempts make even the slightest progress. Rejoice even if you attempted. It's not the destination as  much as the ride to it. You become a better person simply because you made the attempt.

"No one is ever beaten, unless he gives up the fight." W. Beran Wolfe

"The best rosebush after all is not that which has the fewest thorns but that which bears the finest roses." Henry Van Dyke

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WHEN ENVY ACTIVATES SUSPICION

"Sometimes our candle goes out,but is blown into flame by an encounter with another human being." Albert Schweitzer


How are your Holidays progressing? As one gets older the Holidays seem to manifest bittersweet memories. We all remember people who were with us at past holidays. We remember a favorite dessert a certain someone loved to eat. We recall one's habits and rituals which bring tears to our eyes. It tortures us to live in the past and it actually deprives us of creating special moments with those we are with at the present point in time. Even though it is difficult, we need to look beyond our hurts and even our desires and gain an inner contentment reflecting on the good things we have and the loving people that  are currently in our lives. We really do have that choice. One can choose to dwell on our injuries or rejoice in our loving relationships. Nobody can go backwards in time. I believe we must allow the pain to slip away on the wings of butterflies.
The present is what is. Pain will always be remembered but reliving it hurts us over and over again. It depletes our energy, confuses our minds, and prevents us from allowing our hearts to open up to the surrounding love. Being whole again is invigorating. Being whole again doesn't mean we forget or block anything away. We simply choose to focus on what is right and beautiful in our lives. If there be one individual or animal that loves us we are blessed. if we can't think of anyone then we can easily search and find another person who would so appreciate having a friend. We are not ever alone unless we choose it. Let go of the fear of the unknown. Let go of the fear of embracing  something knew. Sometimes when we observe others having a great time at a gathering, we wish we could be some of those people. What we see is not always reality.

 Many of us at times feel alone in our hurts even amongst a crowd of people. It can become easy to feign happiness. Step into your life and embrace it with open arms. See beyond your doubts, jealousies and fears. Never give up. Never give up. It's just at the moment when you feel the worst, that things might just change for the better. We do have to help ourselves. So open your heart to others and don't fear the unknown. Seriously count your blessings. You might be surprised at how many there are.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain." Vivian Greene

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A positive approach is to search inward not outward

"No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars, or sailed to an enchanted land, or opened a new doorway for the human spirit." Helen Keller


Was the  holiday expressive or repressive? We survived it. It would be nice if we could say we enjoyed it and I am now convinced I can say it. I focus on my attitude and not the attitude of others. If someone tries to draw me into a controversial discussion I do not take the bait. Sometimes people are just in an honory mood so I keep my distance until it is safe. Did you ever notice as I have that when I am in a bad mood I  tend to take it out on the same person. It seems to happen that some person is most likely the recipient of our anger if they are nearby. Of course if they are not it leaves us with finding another. It proves to me that lots of times my anger might be unjustified and the result of my own mood. I am beginning to feel guilty now if I  upset others and cause a domino effect. It makes me think aout causing a more positive effect. To think how many times I have caused my own terrible holiday experience makes me want to chew out myself. Now I prepare.

I remember to ignore remarks that may not hold the meaning I think they hold. I put myself in another's shoes and think about why they are frustrated and being mean. I overlook another's quick temper and mark it off as a possible disagreement with another, or trouble at their place or employment or withing their own homes. I don  not want the responsibility of another's bad mood to cause me a miserable holiday. I also do not want to be swallowed up into their issues. I want to enjoy the happy moments because many times  they are not often enough. More holidays are on the way and really I believe we can make of them what we want. I for one do not want to make them miserable for myself  or others, nor do I want to create a problem with another human being which will torment me far beyond the holiday. The choice is mine.

"Life offers no guarantees...just choices;no certainty...but consequences;no predictable outcomes...just the privilege of pursuit." Tim Connor

"He climbs highest who helps another up." George Matthew Adams

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Steps That Light The Right Road

"We can grow by our questions as well as by our answers."
"Our words are seeds planted in other people's lives." John Mason

Hi
Stop to reflect how we at times set up our  own competition. If we begin boasting about our accomplishments or  those of our children we set the wheel in motion. It may not be our siblings or mother or mother-in-law that begins the game. Simple factual information is more appreciated and  recognized than an onslaught of The boss praised me the other day for ............. If we have been refraining from competition then you may just get a few compliments. If you don't receive any attention then I would ponder the sadness of anothers life at that moment that they cannot ring themselves to praise you due to their position in life at the moment. If we have nothing to give, how sad is that. Feel sorry for them instead of jealous. If your the one never finding it in your heart to compliment another think about when it is your turn for honor why others are not as enthusiastic. It takes a very big person to praise and honor another regardless of what is going on in their own lives. It is easy to be happy for another when we think we are better than they are. It takes dignity and a sense of self-worth to praise others even when our own lives may be falling apart. When a person comments about how large their child is or how tall, it makes me wonder if I  missed something. Is tall better than short or is large better than small? Are blue eyes better than brown or dark hair better than light? Where do these notions come from? I think maybe I should think about how many times I have compared and thus started a competition and I didn't even think  about it.

"It requires less character to discover the fault of others than to tolerate them."J. Petit Senn

"Reputation is what men and women think of us; character is what God and angels know of us." Thomas Paine

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Avoid Holiday Problems

"People love others not  for what hey are, but for how they make us feel."  Irwin Federman

Hi
Mothers-in-law who encourage any type of competition might possibly find it can influence the closeness of their children. The result may be a competitive relationship amongst their children. Downplaying competitive behavior allows for a more supportive kind of connection to develop. None of us will discuss our  mistakes or trials to another person that we view as a competitor rather than a supporter. We then lose the chance of gaining support and encouragement. Losing  does not always spur a person to try harder. Many times it makes us to recoil and give up. Spending time  with relatives becomes tedious and stressful. If we support one another we are happy to see each other and look forward to helpful discourse. Parents should begin  right from the beginning wih their children to make an effort of refraining from comparisons of  any kind including who walked talked and toilet trained first. After all we are looking for harmony joy and pleasant rewarding and memorable times together as children and adults.


"Constant kindness can accomplish much. As the sun makes ice melt kindness causes misunderstanding, mistrust and hostility to evaporate."  Albert Schweitzer

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Sowing The Seeds For Success

"Happiness is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it will elude you. But if you turn your attention to other things, it comes and softly sits on your shoulder." Nathaniel Hawthorne

During some recent difficult days, I had a lot of time to think and reflect. I realized that as the saying goes, stop to smell the roses, is undoubtedly true. When we are forced to stop for a moment our greatest reflections come to the forefront of our minds and remind us just what it is we are doing with our lives. Do we spend it being jealous or envious of others? Do we spend it attempting to get even for the wrongs another did to us? Do we spend it making money or fame? None of these things make us happy. Revenge will leave us empty and disgusted with ourselves. Fame and fortune will find us friends who will leave us as quickly as they came. Happiness is inner and comes  from the contentment of our own lives. We really need to dwell  on the positive things in our lives. To do this we must slow down and "Smell the coffee or the flowers" It might just change our focus towards something that is more worthwhile or inspiring. As the saying goes if you are handed lemons make lemon juice. See those around you  as innocent. View any comments or actions as unintentional. It brings peace of mind and allows the potentially guilty party to possibly reflect on their comments or actions and regret and have a change of heart. Either way our mind and  body are at peace.

            I knew one MIL and DIL who were having trouble communicating. Exasperated one day the MIL said to me how frustrating it was to discuss anything with her DIL. She mentioned the many times she asked her DIL to lunch but was always shot down with a negative reply and excusse. She felt hated by her DIL and began avoiding her. I happened to run across the DIL one day and asked how her MIL was faring. She immediately and sheepishly replied she hadn't seen much of her lately. Because she appeared to be saddened rather than happy or angry I pursued to question her why that was so. She stated how she enjoyed her MIL's company but that her own mother resented any time she spent with her MIL. This caused her to feel guilty every time she enjoyed her MIL's company. I gently encouraged her to maintain a relationship with her MIL. It was healthy and in no way diminished her reltionship with her own mother. I told her how wonderful were the moments I spent with my own DIL's. Her face sort of lit up and she resolved to think about what I had said. I'm not sure how it all worked out but I am sure of how we manage to influence others in a negative rather than a positive way.

"In your hands you hold the seeds of failure or the potential for greatness. Your hands are capable but they must be used and for the right things to reap the rewards you are capable of attaining. The choice is yours." Zig Ziglar

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Steering Around Holiday Potholes

"The game of life is a game of boomerangs. Our thoughts ,deeds, and words return to us sooner or later with astounding accuracy." Florence Scovel Shinn

Holidays remind us of past memories, which can be both good and bad. Keep the present holidays central, and be thankful to  share it with people you love. Each holiday is unique. It is not possible or necessary to repeat a holiday experience. Embrace each holiday with a renewed spirit. Be fair when dividing your Holiday time between families. It might not be possible to spend your holidays with your children. Share memories throughout the year with those you care about and forget what the calendar says. A vacation spent with the grandchildren is just as wonderful as a Holiday time gathering. This quiet time over the summer may be more enjoyable and have less stress. Everything and everybody changes. We can always hope for the best in these changes. Change avoids stagnation. Attempt to keep some traditions but be accepting of the new traditions. Happy, positive outlooks add to the mood of a holiday get-together. Nix the negative and promote the positive. You will always be a sought after member of the family.

"Each of us will one day be judged by our standard of life, not by our standard of living; by our measure of giving, not by our measure of wealth; by our simple goodness, not by our seeming greatness." William Arthur Ward

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Build a Positive Proactive Relationship

Strategies for handling the man in the middle begin with recognizing the controversy that manifests from this unintentionally significant relationship. It manifests in jokes smiles laughs ridicules and anger. There is no magic star dust or simple answers to this dilemma. But women can find an emotional equilibrium in their lives so that they both might be able to share the man they both love. When I first became a dil, I resented the constant attacks on my nursing abilities. "The baby is not getting enough food." was spoken to me a thousand times because my mil never nursed. It was frustrating. When I became a mil, I was sad that my dils, never asked for any advice. Being in a different seat in the car has given me an all  around perspective.

"He that cannot forgive others, breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass." Lord Herbert

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