Why Are there Tears?

"Think occasionally of the suffering of which you spare yourself the sight." Albert Schweitzer
Having worked with kids for more than twenty five years, has given me insight into their hearts and thoughts. More than sixty-five percent of the kids in certain classrooms are emotionally abused daily. This abuse occurs from the hands of parents or step parents. When so many children are hurting, it is time to ask ourselves
why. Speaking for the children is important to me. Family life appears to be deteriorating. This has created a domino
effect. To fix society we must fix the schools. To fix the schools we must fix the child’s home environment. It is time to look at this dilemma with new eyes. We can’t fix it with the old way of thinking. Our challenge as parents is to look at the facts. We might promote an aggressive attempt at a new approach. Success comes from the love and nurturing at home. Society can’t reteach or rehabilitate broken children easily, or possibly ever,Against all odds, some children grow up in poor circumstances but rise to become superstars. The difference in their home environments was love, encouragement, and support from their parents, or another caring adult. The power of love has been greatly underestimated. Although we all love our children, demonstrating this with hard work is paramount. This means placing our children’s needs first, constant watchfulness, and guiding them with integrity and righteousness. Stopping the unconscious mistreatment of children is my goal. By stopping some harmful choices we make children improve emotionally and academically. It certainly is worth the determination for all of us to make an effort.
"Each day of our lives we can make deposits into the memory banks of our children." Charles Swindoll

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We All Need Space

“Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.” John Wooden

Needing space is not always about the living area. At times we need a break from certain people. We may love them and care about them but we need a break from them. By recognizing this important fact, we can keep a distance when necessary and not only maintain a relationship but have no guilt. When we attend to others we have a feeling of duty to be at their disposal. Maybe this is feasible some of the time. It is impossible to achieve all of the time. Admitting our own needs and responsibilities may alleviate the anxious feelings we have when we can’t always solve other people’s problems. Having empathy does not mean we can’t say no. At times we must say no at least for that moment. At a later date we may be able to fulfill another’s need but not at the present time.

We all feel overwhelmed with duty. Our thoughts say if you love this person you will find the time or find a way to help them with a difficulty. The end result is a total depletion of our own energy and spirit. This is not good. We need to maintain our own spirits in order to be of service to others. Maybe if we admitted we couldn’t take on a duty, it might be helpful to the person if they were required to do it for themselves. They may need to be able to gain confidence in their own ability. We may be completely unaware that we are creating a dependency. Even our elderly parents must acknowledge that our lives are important and deserve attention. I am not suggesting neglect but pacing. 

I don’t believe others are aware of the burdens they place on us. At the same time it is up to us to be alert to what we can and can’t do. By all means help others right away if it is within your power and you are up to the challenge. If your energy level is already diminished then refrain from making any more commitments. Unless your family or friend is in crisis mode, save the job for another day or allow them to garner help from another person.

The guilt of not being able to be at the disposal for another individual can overtake our logic and reason. Some of us believe we will not be loved if we don’t accommodate others whenever they ask. We can’t win love in this way. Our spouses, parents, siblings, friends and co-workers should step back and expect to compromise. The options might be a later date for the job to be performed or maybe the hiring of another person to do the job. Our bodies and minds need time to adjust and settle down after a long day. It may be a perfect time for the person requesting aid but a less than perfect time for us to accomplish the task.

We can’t feel guilty when we say no to requests. Dismiss any thoughts that the person in need will stop caring for us because we replied in the negative. A doormat gets used up quickly and tossed in the rubbish. When it begins to fray and spreads bristles, out it goes. Likewise we will also stretch bend and break. At that point we will be angry bitter exhausted and vengeful. This holds true for any relationship that is demanding and without empathy. Who cares if the rubbish or light bulb waits an extra week? The multitudes of tasks we deem so important are really irrelevant in the scheme of life. It seems more reasonable to ask another to visit for coffee and a chat. Release burdens others have created for you.

Being a people pleaser has more to do with our need for keeping love and maintaining a relationship.   Even when we have no stamina left we attempt to please others when asked. We want the approval even at the price of our own welfare. Neither guilt nor ego should prod us into wearing ourselves thin. It is important to maintain our mind and body. We don’t have to be constantly manipulated by others. It is wonderful to be kind helpful and caring but we can’t forsake our own needs. In order to be a contributing compassionate person, we can help others when possible within reason and without ulterior motives. Leave our guilt and duty behind and when we need rest simply say maybe later.

“I am thankful for a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home… I am thankful for the piles of laundry and ironing because it means my loved ones are nearby.” Nancie J. Carmody

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How To Save a Combatting Relationship

“Genius is the ability to reduce the complicated to the simple.” C. W. Ceram

“The life of a winner is the result of an unswerving commitment to a never-ending process of self-completion.” Terry Bradshaw

Avoiding conflict of course is easier said than done. One needs to think about strategies before the conflict. Planning your approaches beforehand is essential to their implementation and success. It is strange how most of us want the discussion with the person we are fighting with, during the heat of the moment. Nothing could be worse. We are all in such a keyed up state of mind that we are not close to wanting any compromise. We are out for proving our argument or seeking revenge. Our mind and body need time to clear, calm down and take a second look when the fire is out.

               If one designs how to arrange and review problems, they are halfway to a solution. Most of the time we are so happy the argument is over we overlook the causes and sweep them under the rug so to speak. The same issues arise again at a future time because we never really handled them in the first place. Now we each throw in a few more irritating things and dig up the old problems. This is not going to make our disagreements any easier. We are multiplying our struggles to the point of breaking our relationships.

               How to disagree can be manageable. When we truly reflect, we admit our own guilt in any situation. This helps us to give position to the other person’s point of view. In doing so, we have broken down a barrier. This takes more courage than to equip ourselves with words for a fight. The other person can grasp our honesty and vulnerability. It is important to arrange a time to discuss issues. It should be when we are ready to compromise and not when we want to prove our viewpoints. When we have a desire to be at peace, the percentage of our being right or wrong is not important. The focus is on a common base.

               In the heat of a battle, we are not prepared to compromise. It is essential to recognize this. We can’t be afraid to broach the problems when our relationship is on track. If we fear facing the problems then our relationship can’t be on solid ground. If it is that fragile then it is even more important to tackle our problems. In the end if we don’t challenge our relationship issues, our connectedness will deteriorate and end. By coping with our differences calmly, we can accommodate each other’s schemata. We may be surprised to find that what we thought was power, control, disrespect and intolerance in our partner, was actually fear, doubt, anxiety and low self-esteem. At this point we can begin to work out the real issues instead of fighting over imagined ones.

               Solving problems is never easy but working on the real problems is simpler than attempting to fix something that isn’t broken. Honesty may be the best policy when we want truth and understanding in our relationship. If we trust the other person then we have confidence they will handle and accept our true characteristics.  If we hide our actual identities then the other person has a more difficult time figuring out how to create a compromise or bond with us. Commitments will be broken because our merger is false in a sense.

Have faith in yourself as a worthy individual. You are likable and lovable. All of us have our own faults which we like to keep hidden. If your flaws are causing a relationship to falter, you don’t want to keep these deficiencies so close. You may attempt to release your inner shortcomings by disclosing them to your partner. Acknowledge each other’s weaknesses and attempt greater closeness through sincerity.

               Peace comes with authenticity, openness, non-judgments, trust, reflection and a letting go of fear. Begin your discussion agreeing to disagree. Assume you will not approve of everything said but agree to listen assimilate and accommodate another’s ideas. You will be closer to a real union as well as a greater expansion of the mind.

“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.” Marcel Proust  

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Build a Positive Proactive Relationship

Strategies for handling the man in the middle begin with recognizing the controversy that manifests from this unintentionally significant relationship. It manifests in jokes smiles laughs ridicules and anger. There is no magic star dust or simple answers to this dilemma. But women can find an emotional equilibrium in their lives so that they both might be able to share the man they both love. When I first became a dil, I resented the constant attacks on my nursing abilities. "The baby is not getting enough food." was spoken to me a thousand times because my mil never nursed. It was frustrating. When I became a mil, I was sad that my dils, never asked for any advice. Being in a different seat in the car has given me an all  around perspective.

"He that cannot forgive others, breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass." Lord Herbert

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