Understanding Intention Avoids Confusion

"Love is as necessary to human beings as food  and shelter;but without intelligence love is impotent, and freedom unattainable." Aldous Leonard Huxley

How many times have we quarreled with a friend or family member and repeated the words, "That's not what I mean." We  get so frustrated trying to think of a way to phrase what we wanted or meant to say that we at times lose our train of thought or worse we blurt out words that make it all worse. Trying to take back what we said is not as easy as it is to voice the words originally spoken.

 I would venture to say we have all been in this situation at least once but probably many times. Maybe people enjoy catching us in such a harrowing situation. They at times set us up and enjoy seeing us squirm our way out. Of course the harder we try squirming, the guiltier we appear. It really becomes more aggravating when the other party refuses to give us a break and back off. Instead they continue their shocked and hurt look which adds to our misery, drains our effort, confuses our thinking, and enhances our guilt regardless of the truth. Many times our energy depletes which forces us to give up and accept  our losses. 

Those of us who plod forward step in it so to speak and then wish we had cut our losses. How do we fix such problems? Connections to friends and relatives is important to us. Full of adrenalin due to the encounter, we retreat but our day is ruined and until the other person forgives us for what we didn't do, our life ends up on hold. Personally I think if we venture a call on them our first words might be, "I'm  sorry if you misunderstood what I said. Knowing me so well I assumed you would understand I would never want to deliberately hurt you." Surprisingly if the combative person retorts with "I know, it's okay." You may have to reply with, "It's not okay if you believe a falsehood." 

Otherwise our relative or friend thinks they caught us in some weird truth but they forgave us. I know depending on our disposition, we may cause another argument. If we are prepared we will possibly avoid any traps. In this way our opponent at this current time will be prompted to accept some blame in the situation. We may modify the course of a similar happening for misconception in a future  exchange of words. Thinking like a chess player may save us from an imminent transgression. The key in all of this is to keep your voice calm, your tone non-judgmental and your heart and thoughts sincere. 
 We do have differing states of mind in any given moment and just maybe what is said one day may be totally acceptable by another person but on a separate day that person has an altered reaction. We all experience days of insecurity and sensitivity. refraining from any controversial topic may be the order of the day.  

If we step into the mistake of giving a false impression UNINTENTIONALLY, then patience on that day and possibly a future day may be required. But you need to ask yourself isn't that person worth it in the end? I believe so and that means more time patience and effort but they are worth it and so are we when the roles get reversed which they most likely will.

"The degree of one's emotion varies inversely with one's knowledge of the facts. The less you know the hotter you get." Anonymous

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EXCUSES

"Act as if what you do makes a difference, it does." William James

Yes on any given day I can come up with a million excuses to avoid doing anything. I would venture to say I am not alone. It is clearly a problem because it keeps me from interactions with others, accomplishing jobs I had set as goals for the day, completing and making deadlines set by others, and living up to promises I made to friends and family. 

I don't intentionally plan on skipping things I should do. Now that is a pardon for me to feel better. There are definitely times when our justifications are real and not so much a coping out as an they are a real obstacle preventing us from doing what we should do. No criticism intended but gaining a handle on excuses allows us to accomplish so much more. We don't call the friend because we are watching a good TV show or checking our e-mails or sitting on the couch without having to think or talk about anything. 


At work, we find something boring or so difficult it is impossible to begin. At home  our tasks always take longer than what we think and we know this and simply don't want to get started in the first place. The luxury of doing nothing seems to be given only at times when we are sick. Of course at these  times we can't enjoy this free time because we don't feel well. Some of us use others to escape work effort and responsibility. A  divorced father can escape his  obligations by acknowledging his wife doesn't permit  him to see the kids which may be true. what a relief. No lost time or effort on his part and no guilt. A headache or cold ought to alleviate our helping with the household tasks even if we are feeling a bit better. We can take another day. I am guilty of many of these affairs myself. I know I would be further along  with my jobs if I tackled them without thought just responsibility. Some tasks are important like our kids. We need to separate what counts from counting what tasks are waiting. Kids can't wait. They desperately need us and after all we are their parents. So if I can't bend over as much due to a leg injury I can still kick that ball back to my kid and let them toss it again. I can still be there to talk or listen or watch the world around us evolving. That's final no exoneration, I need to go and take care of what matters most.

"Things that matter most should never be at  the mercy of things which matter least." Johann Van Goethe

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DEVELOP CONFIDENCE DISCARD FEAR

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

 Many times we allow others to dictate the rules and pass judgment on us. Of course at work our superiors do it all the time. The problem is bosses are not always correct in their conclusions of our work or behavior. Why one boss finds our work very good while another condemns it is frustrating.  It is because like everything else, it is subjective. My idea about how to go about building something will most likely differ from your ideas about a structure.  The person who gets to dictate is the person with more power.  This does not mean they really have a better plan. It simply means they have the control over the rules. When one dictates the procedures, one also dictates the desired result. Even if we follow someone else’s guidelines, there is no guarantee of the outcome. The only guarantee is that we will take the blame if we are not successful. The truth is many people are diminished and insecure because others fault them at work or in any group project or situation. The result is devastating to the person blamed, who begins feeling inadequate about everything they attempt.

                We might think about the child on a sports team who is rarely played, so his job is to warm the bench. He loses precious time to improve his ball skills while the players who get more field time advance impressively. What happens is the athletes playing regularly build their confidence while those players who frequently sit out most of the game, build their self-doubt. At times this can carry over into other areas of their lives. Adults who have trouble getting along with the boss are in the same situation. They can’t seem to get it right or improve whatever their boss is recommending. It would occur to any thinking person that it is not deliberate and the person is attempting to please their boss. After all they don’t want to lose their job. Curiously the insecure person doesn’t know how to get off of the damaging path they are treading.

The person becomes subordinate, has self-doubt and low self-esteem. These feelings add to his or her dilemma. What this person might have attempted before their insecurity fills them with fear. They are already under scrutiny and can’t afford to make any mistakes. They begin doing everything by the rule book without any thoughts of good or bad. In the end they fail totally because the odds have been successfully stacked against them. The sorry part is that they are now diminished as a person and innately feel like a failure. They have lost their self-confidence and desire to try anything new. It carries into all areas of their lives and we now see a depressed person.

At one time this person was relevant and viable and had some self-worth. They felt competent at making decisions. The point is they are still the same person. They simply allowed themselves to be defined as a person, by somebody else. This definition is far removed from who they really are and what they truly are capable of doing. They need to understand this or they will dive into a full blown depression. It is amazing the power one can wield over another without permission. It is astounding that people would hurt another so deeply without a care. If a boss is upset with someone’s work, they might simply get a mentor to intervene. They also might help the person with suggestions in a kind manner. Firing someone or ripping them apart is loathsome. There are other ways to deal with a person that would yield better results, keep their confidence intact and aid the workplace in the process.

Our attitudes, looks, age and personalities unfortunately enter into decisions others make about us. We may not be able to control these matters. What we can control and must control are our own beliefs. Our character is known to us and a higher being. Just because another person ranked higher in the job sphere does not mean they can dictate who or what we are. We must believe in ourselves and our abilities and leave no room for doubt. Having confidence and feeling adequate does not mean we can’t accept criticism and input from others. Even the boss has crossed the line if we feel subordinate, stupid, incapable and immobilized. It really is our choice to refrain from believing this defines us. We are so much more than that. We are so much more than others even know about us. We might have to learn new things but we are capable of learning. Given the correct tools advice and help, we can accomplish much.

If we are uncomfortable in a work situation, we might think about switching areas within a company, switching hours or teams or attempting to find employment elsewhere. We always have choices. We should never feel boxed in. When we believe we have no alternatives, that is the time  we shut down. We might have to look around and search for our answers elsewhere. We might team up with another worker. We should be comfortable asking others for help or we might take a refresher course. What we cannot do is lose our value in our own eyes. All the wonderful things we do, can do and will do are lost if we give up on our-self. One person or one group’s interpretation of what we are is ludicrous. Step back and put the whole scene into focus. Sometimes change is good and might be the right thing to do. We can’t be afraid to step out into the unknown and take the chance. If we reflected we might realize things would not be any worse and they might just be better. Build your self-confidence and trust your own delineation of who you are.

"Don't be afraid to take a big step if needed. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps." Anonymous

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." Dr. Martin Luther King

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Release a Burden by Admitting You Were Wrong

“Human beings are perhaps never more frightening than when they are convinced beyond a doubt that they are right.” Laurens Van der

“I am sorry,” are three little words that are very difficult to say. It is kind of a mystery because we are all so quick to say we know we are not always correct and we don’t always do the right thing. We have no problem admitting we have made mistakes in the past yet in the present it is a different story. It is as if we are a different person and unwilling to admit we were wrong to the person in our vicinity. The earth may shatter if those three words are spoken. How many of us will admit we were partially at fault. We manage to do this a lot. It helps us to know that the other person needs to accept a piece of the fault. It allows us to admit our mistakes in the matter. As sorry as a person might be, they will turn the other cheek if their foe will not take any fault in the matter. Their apologies will be short lived and most likely they will be on the attack mode again.

               One wonders if we have a sense of inferiority when having to admit we were wrong. I think it has to do with the fact that we all get hurt when in a disagreement with another. As a result we are trying to justify why we acted the way we did. We can’t admit total blame because we need to make the other person realize what they did to us. It always turns around to our own hurts. We need to be justified in our poor behavior like we had a right to act poorly because we were emotionally injured. Maybe we were totally having a bad day and this other person said or did something that irked us and caused us to remember past injuries or experiences of injuries. The volatile situation takes off. We do not want to appear vulnerable so we accuse attack and practically force another to take some blame. Because most of us are probably guilty of some blame in the matter, we usually accept our share and both parties walk away renewed and absolved of any wrong-doing.

               What is most refreshing and cleansing for the soul is to admit total guilt now and again when we have legitimately caused the problem. It is powerful and actually lifts one’s spirits above what they were. Total acceptance is like baring one’s soul to another and lowering oneself. Somehow in this process the opposite is attained. By lowering oneself to another, you become lifted and more regal. Magic happens because the other person is surprised, impressed and sometimes ends up admiring your courage.  I am not suggesting anyone do this without belief in their own faults and belief in taking the higher road. The results are usually a meltdown of the barriers we create and a more honest and open discussion. The façade is not needed. We do not have to save face. There is no embarrassment to avoid. In such an atmosphere so much more is achieved. Being ourselves is easier, conflict is lessened, listening is heightened, and this reflective experience allows us to understand more and work towards a positive solution. It is never easy to say we are sorry. It is almost impossible to admit we were wrong. But when it happens we are rewarded with such a release of tension and anger, we are usually never sorry we did it.

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Break The Chains Of Worry And Live Laugh And Love

"When nothing seems to help, I go and look at a stone cutter hammering away at his rock perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred and first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not that blow that did it but  all that had gone before." Jacob Riis
"Life is made of memorable moments. We must teach ourselves to really live...to love the journey not the destination." Ann Quindlen


I think there could be and maybe should be many posts about fear because it consumes a huge part of our lives. We all fear so many things that they are too numerous to count. Let's talk today about fear of our meetings with the relatives. We want the right look, the right words, and to project the right meaning. We worry if our gift is appropriate. We worry about the meaning of the gifts we receive. We fear an other's remarks or jokes or slights. We tense at an other's body language and question an other's mood. Can anyone see  a problem here? We are not in the moment. We  are obviously not enjoying ourselves. We are almost being selfish in a sense because we are so caught up in the relationship another person has with us that we actually miss the reality around us. To question everyone and everything is a distrust. Fear is a distrust no matter what the object or person. If we feel and are enjoying the present then there should be no room for fear. Judgement goes hand in hand with fear.

If everyone chose not to judge another then we might possibly live without our fears. If one thinks they are being judged, fear rises to the surface. Likewise, if we are judgemental, then we most likely expect that others are rating us in some way. Getting  rid of judgements may get rid of our fears. So what if we look older, plumper, poorer, richer, angrier, incompetent, crazy, lost and a zillion other negative attributes. Reflect for a moment. We feel this because we believe others see us like that or will tag us with judgements that we have no control over. If all of us made a pact to stop our judgements of others we could stop fears. That  means that those of us who like to spread gossip and listen to gossip would have to stop and let it go. It's detrimental to the person we are talking about and more detrimental to ourselves.

It's not easy but people might be more relaxed and enjoy those get togetherness more often if they felt no one noticed their extra pounds, extra wrinkles, last year's clothes, gorgeous jewelry, (yes we criticize those with more money) louder voice due to our  frustrations, craziness due to our burdens and tremendous work load, and repetition from our temporary or permanent taxing life of indecision's. We could be ourselves at all times. We would not have to act differently with anyone or at anyplace. maybe some solutions might even come  through for us or by us for another because things would be out in the open and no one would fault us. It is the perfect world of course but if we all attempted a tiny bit, we would be a tiny bit closer to an awesome new world.


"Action conquers fear." Pete Zarlenga

"Each of us will one day be judged by our standard of life, not by our standard of living; by our measure of giving, not by our measure of wealth; by our simple goodness, not by our seeming greatness."  William A. Ward 

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WHEN ENVY ACTIVATES SUSPICION

"Sometimes our candle goes out,but is blown into flame by an encounter with another human being." Albert Schweitzer


How are your Holidays progressing? As one gets older the Holidays seem to manifest bittersweet memories. We all remember people who were with us at past holidays. We remember a favorite dessert a certain someone loved to eat. We recall one's habits and rituals which bring tears to our eyes. It tortures us to live in the past and it actually deprives us of creating special moments with those we are with at the present point in time. Even though it is difficult, we need to look beyond our hurts and even our desires and gain an inner contentment reflecting on the good things we have and the loving people that  are currently in our lives. We really do have that choice. One can choose to dwell on our injuries or rejoice in our loving relationships. Nobody can go backwards in time. I believe we must allow the pain to slip away on the wings of butterflies.
The present is what is. Pain will always be remembered but reliving it hurts us over and over again. It depletes our energy, confuses our minds, and prevents us from allowing our hearts to open up to the surrounding love. Being whole again is invigorating. Being whole again doesn't mean we forget or block anything away. We simply choose to focus on what is right and beautiful in our lives. If there be one individual or animal that loves us we are blessed. if we can't think of anyone then we can easily search and find another person who would so appreciate having a friend. We are not ever alone unless we choose it. Let go of the fear of the unknown. Let go of the fear of embracing  something knew. Sometimes when we observe others having a great time at a gathering, we wish we could be some of those people. What we see is not always reality.

 Many of us at times feel alone in our hurts even amongst a crowd of people. It can become easy to feign happiness. Step into your life and embrace it with open arms. See beyond your doubts, jealousies and fears. Never give up. Never give up. It's just at the moment when you feel the worst, that things might just change for the better. We do have to help ourselves. So open your heart to others and don't fear the unknown. Seriously count your blessings. You might be surprised at how many there are.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain." Vivian Greene

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Actions That Avoid Conflict.

"What you dislike in another take care to correct in yourself." Thomas Spratt
"Our greatest glory consists not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." Oliver Goldsmith


Insecurity breeds contempt for any kind of boastful comment. Every time a sibling or sibling-in-law shares the most recent event in her young or older child's life does not mean he or she is boastful. Size is not better. Learning is not intelligence. Athletic ability is not valor or prowess. Beauty never denotes inner quality. Why then do we fret? We cannot be insecure in our own hearts. Pitting siblings or grandchildren against each other creates animosity and tension. Stop self-doubt. Each of us holds the potential for greatness. Maybe if we respond with a simple reply of acknowledgement to the parent, we will avoid confrontation, "a who is greater match", and making a memory we'd rather forget.  Viewing each other in a more vulnerable way just might help us to accept the person while understanding each others striving to simply be. While at your holiday gathering, look for and enjoy the good of the moment.

"The hardest thing for any young couple to learn is that other parents have perfect children also."
Herbert Prochnow

"All kids are gifted, some just open their packages earlier than others." Michael  Carr

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Build Your Confidence; Get Rid Of Your Fear

"Fear is a disease that eats away at logic and makes man inhuman." Marian Anderson

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction." Albert Einstein

I believe that in all of our relationships we allow fear to enter. This fear causes us more pain than we need to assume or experience. Most of our pain is of our own creation. Husbands and wives doubt each others love or motives. Friends feel let down when their expectations of us are not met. Family members have the greatest burden next to  spouses. We expect so much more from them and become inevitably disappointed and pained as well as angry when they don't meet our expectations. In all of this we must question our fear of loss. We prefer to keep our friend to ourselves. Sharing might find our friend enjoying another's company more than our company. Husbands and wives are jealous at times  when another person might interact with their significant other. Spouses also question each others desire to spend time with any other friend or relative or activity. Siblings resent each others pleasure with friendships while they ignore each other. Mothers-in-Law and Daughters-in-Law fear losing their son/husband. In all of this the main idea is that none of us care if another has a good time. What we fear is the loss of time and affection from  someone we love and care about. If we can put our fear aside, our negative feelings would disappear. This is easily said than done. Although facing unwarranted fears can help us to begin to question our own motives of fear. In the end we all want company and fear being alone. Fear is probably the culprit of many disagreements, yet it is most likely never observed at the source. Question our fears. Put them to rest. Most of the time it is wasted energy.

"You can't change the past but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future." Anonymous

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Divorce At Any Age Hurts

I heard today from a young friend that her parents were getting a divorce. They had been married over 25 yrs. My friend is married yet so very hurt and yes traumatized. It might seem crazy but divorce hurts the children regardless of age. It brings it back to relationships and understanding. At times, we just don't understand an other's motives, words or actions. Many times we jump to conclusions that are not true. As a DIL I remember times when I felt the  cold shoulder from my MIL and I would think hard about what I might have done to cause it. Now that I am a MIL I wonder why my DIL's might be quiet. I sat down one day and laughed because it occurred to me that maybe they had just had a fight and their attitudes had nothing to do with me. We assume everything is about us. but if we reflect enough we realize that the world is not revolving around any of us. others are not pondering what we do or say. We should not take attitude to heart. It might be coming from so many places and our MIL and DIL relationship does not need this pressure. Believing we are on safe ground with our in-law allows us the freedom to relax and trust in the relationship. Entertaining thoughts of doubt breeds suspicion and doubt. If everything we say and do is never ever done with any malice or revenge, then we are secure in an honest trustworthy situation. Let the awkward moods pass unnoticed. We all have bad days.

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