HANDLING RESENTMENT

"Set peace of mind as your highest goal, and organize your life around it." Brian Tracy

At times we believe jealousy is the furthest thing from our minds. The truth is it is always close by and waiting to pounce unexpectedly. We are content to hear of the problems of others. It can make us feel improved. It allows us to think of being contented. We are superior to the person whose problems we are listening to. We gain more support in difficult or unhappy times than when we are celebrating cheerful periods. It is curious but we feel better when another is hurting. We feel jealous when another is rejoicing. At first glance we deny this but on a second glance we face the reality of our thoughts.

              "Envy is a symptom of lack of appreciation of our own uniqueness and self-worth. Each of us has something to give that no one else has."  Elizabeth O'Connor 
In times of trouble people act diminished and less competitive. They give up the fight. That is when we are offering support and feel superior to their dilemma. When times are good for another, we feel beaten and act defeated. In truth we are not a winner or loser in either event. That is the secret. We are choosing our feelings about a given situation. We may feel more like a hero when we are giving help. Likewise we feel more defeated when we require aid. Most of us keep our issues to ourselves and manifest jealousy in response to another’s pleasure. They have what we would like. In our minds they don’t deserve it or they don’t warrant it any more than we do. We ask ourselves why they possess something we don’t have.

               Within this questioning process we feel sorry for ourselves, frustrated about our lot and angry with others we perceive as in a loftier position. We begin to perseverate on how they achieved what they exhibit, and how boastful they appear to be. In reality these people may not be arrogant at all. They may possess certain comforts but are not owned by their possessions. The judgments we project about any given situation is not necessarily the reality of it. Building something bigger than it actually is creates our feelings of jealousy. We attribute all kinds of bad concepts to the situation and people we are jealous about.

               To stop resentment we need to focus only on what is good and what is working in our lives. How much do we have is more important than how much is deficit. Striving for superficial happiness is at the root of some jealous moments. In reality this apparent pleasure may bring an insurmountable problem or work that may leave us defeated. Acquiring an object of desire comes with a price. The price can be higher than we thought and costlier than we wanted to pay. Appreciating what we have is important. If we stop our jealous tendencies, we may stop our low moods. Our lives will be more joyful and we will live in the moment.

               When one settles for something for the time being, wishing to always have something more, one is living in a future time based on a dream. This person is missing the present time completely to the point of destroying it through covetousness. The person cannot cope with what is so they only envy what they are lacking. It destroys self-esteem, energy, cooperation, love and happiness. Jealousy destroys the good time in the present by not allowing you to enjoy another’s friendship, property or talents. People and material items are not to be envied. Our lives are worth so much more. Happiness comes from within and needs to be celebrated from without. Enjoy every moment you have and cherish it because it is the treasure we strive for but never find as long as we fill our hearts and minds with jealous theories that leave no room for true satisfaction and meaning.

"A good criterion for measuring your success in life is the number of people you have made happy." Robert J. Lumsden

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Toss Negative Effort And Save Positive Time

 “A moment’s insight is sometimes worth a life’s experience.” Oliver Wendell Holmes

“Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.” Albert Einstein

We have such busy lives and busy schedules that we spend very little time thinking before we speak. This of course causes many problems big and small. Our lack of contemplation before uttering words effectively concludes with what I call clean-up. We wind up fixing an assortment of confusion we have made because of our carelessness.

               It takes less time to listen intently when someone voices ideas, opinions, suggestions, criticisms, hurts, feelings or complaints, than to have to chase after the person and have them restate their issue. This is true in every situation involving a verbal interaction. Most of us have our minds set on other things we must do or want to do. Our intellect is just not focused on what the other person is revealing to us. Then we wonder later why we don’t have a clue about what transpired during our interaction with them.

               When husbands and wives are quarreling, it is essential for them to give their full attention to each other. In the end it saves time rather than diminishing  time. Total involvement with the problem at hand, allows us to give our complete ability and effort to work things out. Actually, dealing with one problem or issue at a time is better than contemplating an array of issues. Our mind is clearer and able to focus much better. Our intellect is not cluttered with an abundance of burdens. By listening, a husband and wife will not miss the positive and inviting words of compromise or praise. When we are surface listening we are keying in on the negative words such as ‘you always’, ‘you never’, ‘your fault’, ‘remember when’ and ‘I’ve had it’.

               Most of us have the attitude that I just don’t have time for this. In reality it is the most important thing we ought to make time for. In the end if our problems get resolved quickly, life flows smoothly in other areas. When problems continue to fester and loom on the horizon, other areas of our lives are full of negativity. In any relationship in crises, find the time to reflect and reason with the other person. By making time for the discussion, we are respecting the relationship we have with this other person. If we don’t make time for another, we are patronizing the person’s self-esteem and degrading their relationship with us. Now we have more to contend with.  The most natural result is we are at the receiving end of some pain the other individual sends back to us in retaliation. Reflecting on this for a moment allows us to understand why our differences would escalate from a battle to a war.

               Sometimes difficulties are easy to deal with when we make the time and focused effort. Even when there are more challenging issues, complete exertion and attention to the immediate problem will solve the difficulty a lot faster. Feelings are less apt to get injured because we are sticking with the issues rather than accusing the individual randomly.

Timing is not always perfect but personal problems should be considered an emergency.  In this way they will be dealt with a lot faster. The result will be less confrontation, shorter fighter, less personal attacks, and more intact people when the disagreement is over. Nobody has lost face, lost their self-respect, or been diminished by the episode. In the future the persons involved will be able to deal with disagreements in a shorter period of time. What we need to remember is to pay attention to the other person and consider them worthy enough for us to listen and argue attentively.

“It requires less character to discover the fault of others than to tolerate them.”  J. Petit Sen

What Everyone Ought to Know About Happiness

“Caring about others, running the risk of feeling, and leaving an impact on people, brings happiness.” Rabbi Harold Kushner

So many of us seek happiness and no matter how much money power or fame we achieve, it eludes us. Money can make our lives complicated. We purchase more material objects with our money and they break down and need to be fixed. We buy more tickets to movies, theatres, and traveling places and it basically eats up our time and energy. It isn’t that we don’t enjoy our money or the places we visit. We find ourselves sitting in a chair the next day wondering why we don’t have a big smile on our faces and brimming over with happiness. Instead we are exhausted and want to spend time alone.

Sometimes we strive to spend more time with others we care about, but they are so busy, they have little time to give us. This can make us feel unimportant to them. Searching inward we come to terms with the notion they don’t care about us as much as we care about them. It isn’t a good feeling and it doesn’t bring any happiness. We make new friends, join more groups or clubs, change our hair style, and buy new clothes and attempt to change our mindsets. Many times we end up alone and wondering what we did wrong and why are we unlikable.  The more we do for others, the less they reciprocate. When we need a friend we can’t find one. At times we think we have a giant target on our backs that says deplete me it’s okay. Others appear to have it all together. Maybe if we had more money or a better job or good friends or lived closer to family, things would be different.

We become more introverted and negative. We have little to say to others and they respond with quick retorts. Hasty responses begin to arise and we become consumed with feeling sorry for ourselves. Being so caught up in this state of mind, we completely ignore those standing beside us. We are after all suffering so much more than they are. The tunnel is dark and gloomy. We can’t find our way out. There is no one willing to help. Inadequacy in everything we get involved with is the norm.

Happiness has little to do with money, fame or friends. It truly is what we lite inside us. There is no measurement for fame. Maybe we are the hero in a young child’s eyes, or the one friend always depended upon by another. We may be the example of what a good neighbor is or the example to a stranger of what a kind person looks like. If we are constantly caught up in our own shortcomings and woes, we are unaware of what’s going on around us. So much is happening in front of us that we need to stop turning inward and look outward. We are missing so much of life if we don’t.

Some people who have more than enough money are not a bit happy. Some people with little money couldn’t be happier. Observe the dynamics of this situation. Happiness comes from our frame of mind and possibly from the parameters we set. If we believe we must have a certain amount of money to be happy or certain material gains then those become our restrictions for happiness. Break down the parameters and you allow yourself to be happy. If we feel we need to travel to faraway places to find happiness then again those are the restrictions. Tear them down and you can find pleasure walking in your neighborhood and chatting with the neighbors. When a person believes they would be more appealing if they had a better figure or fancier clothes, they have set their guidelines. Rip up the guidelines and really let the real you shine. Your personality is what gathers attention. Your clothes and figure get the first look but they cannot sustain a grumpy attitude. Suffice it to say you can start an exercise regime to help with the weight.

Happiness is not necessarily about being around those we love best in the world. It can be about loving those we are with. The secret to happiness has to do with Contentment with who we are and what we have. Contentment is the key word. That is what powers happiness. If we are content, we will be happy and we will be tuned into others and the world at large. Contented people come from all walks of life and from all economic levels. It is when you own the objects but they don’t own you. You can find pleasure in others and not limit yourself to a chosen few. If you limit yourself then you have shut out a multitude of people and you basically become a snob and a prejudiced person. Only those you have approved of can be your friends or be close to you.

When so many people are searching for love and acceptance it appears to be apparent that there are a lot of caring people looking for friendship. Don’t limit yourself or your power to love and be loved. We all really experience the same doubts, problems and fears. Just about all of us cover them up because we don’t want to display our weaknesses. None of us wants to appear vulnerable. Begin today to feel cheerful inside. Start with counting your positive good blessings. When you begin mulling this over, I would be surprised if a smile was not forming. Don’t let that smile or good feeling evaporate. Remember to begin each day reviewing what you should be thankful for. You will already be full of contentment and things can only get better.

“Happiness is the art of making a bouquet of those flowers within reach.” Anonymous

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Disappointment Depletes Energy

"We learn to walk by stumbling." Bulgarian Proverb
"courage is not limited to the battlefield. The real tests of courage are much quieter. They are the inner tests, like enduring pain when the room is empty, or standing alone when you're misunderstood." Charles Swindoll


With the holidays over, are you left with the disappointment? It goes across the board regarding gifts, missed opportunities for chatting with a certain relative, and believing our feelings have been totally disregarded. When people gather together the scene is set for total confusion, chaos and misunderstandings. Our minds are thinking about who we want to talk to and what we need to say to someone and questions we want to ask. What happens is we never get the opportunity to discuss anything with the person we wanted to talk to, we forgot to ask our questions and we never received any answers because someone interrupted us with other questions. This might sound familiar.

 Gifts are kind of like that. We may have been disappointed but I would guess that others probably were unhappy with the gifts we gave. Some people grumble to the world which is a bad idea because the negativity bounces back at us. Other people expect a return and still others pretend they liked the gift and then give it away or regift it. The point is that we all have our disappointments. If we want to complain about it to others we are making it bigger than it needs to be and giving life to an unimportant issue. Freeing ourselves from the negativity releases a burden and opens us up to happier and more positive things in life. Free will, allows us to search and concentrate on positive things rather than reviewing and remembering negative things. Many of us who experience a happy situation go home and may not think about it again. The opposite is true when we have a problem we didn't like. Sometimes we can't let it go and yet that is what we need to do.


If we created a tally list of pros and cons in the course of our day we would find the pros definitely outweigh the cons. If they don't then we need help in learning how to seek out and find the positive happenings in our life. people are not out to get us or hurt us. People  do care but at times may be distracted. Many times other people are in  the same boat as we are regarding hiding problems or tears and hurts and scars. We are human and we all suffer. By bringing anger into a situation we have built the mountain which we must climb over rather than deal with the mole hill which is easier to cross. If it is all about feelings of love or hate then ask yourself this, do you love others? If you do then it is probably reciprocal. We receive  what we are sending out. If others love us then they are not deliberately hurting us and to think otherwise is to cause us more hurt. We are choosing the hurt in many situations. Choose instead to reduce stress in your life, give others a break and especially give yourself a break. Focus on a time you caused another unintentional pain, remember how sad it made you feel and how much you wanted the other person to understand. Remember and grant others the forgiveness you sought for yourself. It comes back on us. If we slam the door, prepare one day for it to likewise slam on us.

"To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee." William H. Walton

"Hope works in these ways: it looks for the good in people instead of  harping on the worst; it discovers what can be done instead of  grumbling about what cannot; it regards problems, large or small, as opportunities; it pushes ahead when it would be easy to  quit; it "lights the candle" instead of "cursing the darkness." Anonymous

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Get Rid Of Your Passive Aggression

"Life is simply time given to man to learn how to live. Mistakes are always part of learning. The real dignity of life consists in cultivating a fine attitude towards our own mistakes and those of others."
Anonymous

Hi I heard from a couople of MIL's. One stated how her son had asked her over to look at his latest work done on the house. Apparently her DIL was not aware. The MIL took the brunt of the anger through passive aggression. Her DIL never looked at her when she was talking herself or when her MIL was talking. She smiled a forced smile but was quick  with  her moves and stiff with her body language. MIL or DIL as well as people in general are guilty of passive aggression. If we think we cover it up we don't. We get the message across to others bluntly. The victim is at our mercy. If the victim complained the aggressor would deny what they were doing and state nothing could be further from the truth. The victim in a sense would become the complainer and one who imagines they are being shunned. We all know when we are getting the proverbial "Cold Shoulder". What do we achieve by doing this to another? We hurt the person at the receiving end. It is demeaning and usually from what I hear, the receiver is confused and trying to figure out why they are a target. Maybe we assume too much. We think they have done something that they most likely didn't do but we make them  guilty until proven innocent. Sometimes we can't prove our innocence. If we simply look for the best in others and assume they are never deliberately trying to hurt us, we all might thrive a lot better. Sometimes it seems that the people who think others are guilty of  saying or doing something negative to them are the people who are doing these things themselves. If we live our lives complaining about others and talking about others and perpetuating a "Cold Attitudes" towards them, it's time to ask ourselves if we are the guilty party. We all will play many roles in our lives. Remembering this should help us to live a more honorable life. A small hurt may hurt another and affect them for the rest of the day or week. In the same way a small gesture of kindness without attitude, may cheer a person for a day or a week. We always have the choice not only to increase our happiness but  the happiness of others.

"How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and the strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these." George Washington Carver

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Have An Attitude Of Gratitude

"Gratitude conserves the vital energies of a person more than any other attitude tested." Hans Selye

Everyone has those days when nothing goes the way you planned.Wasn't sure which way I was headed but I needed to get my sense of security back. I believe it is days like these that we are thankful for the beautiful people in our lives. They bring love kindness stability and a sense of belonging. This is awesome especially when one needs the added boost. Don't mean to ramble but those who have ever found themselves floundering might relate to this blog. I'm thankful for family and friends who grab me and place my feet back on the  ground. Thanks also to my fire friends daughter and daughters-in-law. All MIL need to give a hug and a quick thank you to their daughters and their daughters-in-law. I am so thankful for my sons and son-in-law. Try to always be thankful for what you have because it makes it easier to simply forget about what's missing. Nothing takes the place of people love.

"The core problem is not that we are too passionate about bad things, but that we are not passionate enough about good things."  Larry Crabb

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Guilt's Power Is Stress Producing

Every day, when you wake up, think about all the wonderful things you should be thankful for. I am as guilty as anyone for finding issues that annoy me. I lose my patience too many times due to silly little things. After reflecting on this I realized I have so much happiness in my life. It occurred to me that it was time to dwell on the positive and let the negative flow out of the mind. In the scheme of things, most of the irritating issues are minor. People are major. If I alienate people I create added stress and anxiety to my life.  The next day I regret any harsh words I spoke. Of course I can’t explain why I spoke them. We all have such situations. Irritations build up as well as obligations. Our minds have trouble keeping everything straight. When some random or not so random person places the last straw on our backs we explode. This can be a mild explosion but if it creates disharmony, it is sad. Most of us want to get along but find it difficult when we are burdened with all of the pressures of life. We may at times believe we are carrying most of the load at home and or at work. We might also feel we are keeping friendships going and working hard for our families with little return. All I can say is that there really is return in the knowledge that you have been doing a successfully great job nurturing and caring for the family. We start in pre-school and end up passing high school and maybe college. We wonder at how we got there. It’s the same with life. When we work hard at something in the end the finished product makes us smile. The important thing is to know what is important and quit judging the items that don’t really matter. Relax and get along. Life is easier, more comforting and filled with more people who care and support you. As they say live love laugh and I say forgive and definitely forget. Count your blessings.

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” Mark Twain

“Our greatest glory consists not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” Oliver Goldsmith

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