SURVIVING OVERWHELMING DISAPPOINTMENT

"The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; Whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; Who strives valiantly; Who errs and comes short again and again; Who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause/who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails daring greatly."

   When you feel overwhelmed like when your at the bottom of the barrel scraping your way out, adrenalin kicks in and animal instincts override. Those instincts ensure our safety and survival when we are in the wild and encounter dangerous situations. Defiance may  manifest when we are angry at someone and feel squashed by their intrusiveness. Immediately we go into high gear and deflate them with nasty retorts. It does make them back off but we have created probably more problems than we started with. Other times we may be on overload because of our many obligations.

We can decide how to prioritize duties but that doesn't matter. whatever we choose it gnaws at us for not picking another one. Truthfully no matter what we chose it would feel like it was a bad choice because we could not accomplish all of the tasks at once which is what we wanted to do in the first place. We set ourselves up to fail. We don't see it but we do. To add a bit of frosting to the cake we even lash out at others in our vicinity because we are so frustrated with ourselves and our inability to fulfill the workload.
 This is not just true of the  CEO but of anyone with a task to do. Mothers place the most burdens on themselves. They worry they have not spent enough time with their kids, not been gentle enough, read enough books, talked to them enough etc. This annoys them and then they lose their temper with their kids because they are already angry with themselves.  We struggle more with defiance than we do with anger. We become defiant and then angry and then fight with someone within range. How do we stop the buildup of our defiance? I suggest reflecting immediately. Observe the kids or co-workers without any emotional interactions, and make the decision with your clear and logical mind to plan a review later of these mounting responsibilities. It delays anger and anxiety. It keeps the animal instincts from overtaking the thinking mind. It spares others our wrath. Later we may realize it is okay to choose defiance when we are calm. Then we can easily say no to our child even if they hand us a temper tantrum which is their form of defiance. Suggest to the boss rebelliously and in your most subdued voice their is no way to meet the deadline they enforced. They will be surprised and maybe even more respectful of you for stating the  truth which they already knew.

Spouses can be irritating. Choose  to be defiant by simply walking away while suggesting you can save the fight for tomorrow. It works. Your spouse may think you are attempting humor but whatever diffuses the burdens of life is worth the effort of a solid attempt. Defiance and non conformity can work for the best if we understand when best to toss it into action. Human instincts monitored by our thinking brain are a better choice than those animal instincts aiding us in surviving our overpowering burdens.

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CRUSH REGRET; SEEK COURAGE

"Courage is not limited to the battlefield. The real tests of courage are much quieter. They are the inner tests, like enduring pain when the room is empty or standing alone when you're misunderstood."         Charles Swindoll

So many people were complaining about not having time for this job and that responsibility. It was so bothersome that many were almost immobilized with anxiety. They felt like they just did not have enough energy for anything or anyone. The result was total restraint from accomplishing something.

These individuals believed they did not measure up to others which added more reproach. They believed that if they worked harder or longer or focused more it would make a difference in the outcome.

What actually transpired was they felt defeated. They couldn't keep going and were going to give up any work they had left undone. It was overwhelming and defeating to the point that they couldn't continue. If the truth were told, these individuals placed way too much on their shoulders. They didn't give themselves a break nor did they consider the problems they encountered along their way to success in their endeavors.

It was amazing how on the outside it appeared easy to see that their expectations were high and their considerations to themselves were low. Despite their handicaps they expected more of themselves.

The problem is that we can destroy ourselves in the process because we don't give ourselves any excuses for failure or lateness in achievement. I know it is admirable to take responsibility but expecting the impossible causes destruction of the mind. Even if we can do it physically, at times mentally it can't be done.

On days weeks or months like this we need to step back, see the whole forest and not just the tree. Remind ourselves we can't do the impossible and we do need downtime. Expecting too little of ourselves leads to  boredom and laziness, but expecting too much of ourselves can be physically and mentally crippling. We give excuses to others how about allowing the same kindness to ourselves.

"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." Albert Einstein

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Change is Rapid but Recovery Gradual

“The life of a winner is the result of an unswerving commitment to a never ending process of self-completion.”  Terry Bradshaw

Nobody likes unexpected changes. Even good changes leave us floundering for a while. We might think happy events would charge us with happy attitudes. Sometimes the opposite happens. An upcoming marriage is an awesome happening. Everyone is excited. If one checks on the viewpoints of the major players in this event, we discover not all parties are exuberant. There are many sad stories that result from these so called happy changes.

         It isn’t that weddings are not in themselves joyful. The problem is these major occurrences in life bring about change and change brings alterations to our daily lives. We get comfortable with the way things are and any transformations, good or bad, leave us floundering. We can’t see into the future and we fear the unknown. We think, it might be worse instead of, it might be better. We are kicked out of our comfort zone so we panic and become full of anxiety.

         Weddings bring forth cheerful gatherings, friendly people good food and new beginnings. They have the added hope of new life and grandchildren. There doesn’t seem to be room for any misgivings. There is adjustment. Our child is officially an adult, on their own, influenced by another person not of our picking. We fear losing influence, time, and connectedness with them.

We also fear our need to move on in a different direction because we no longer need to spend time nurturing our children, we have more time.

         The newlyweds fear their decision to have chosen this individual to spend the rest of their lives with. They have doubts and questions. They fear being thrown into the adult role and taking responsibility for themselves, and their mistakes. It was easier allowing their parents to guide them, make the decisions and take the blame for anything going off track. They are anxious about paying bills, living with another individual and being accountable for their own lives. Reality is setting in and it is not a totally comfortable event.

         Having a baby is another wonderful happening. It would appear to bring out only happy times. This is not so. Now we need to put another person before ourselves. We need to worry more about saving and paying bills. We must be more responsible in our behaviors because we are now influencing another human being. Our driving might improve and our driving speed may be slower. Our binge drinking has to end and thoughts about smoking and foul language take on their own importance. We begin to doubt our capability to accomplish this task.

         Both of these wonderful happenings are evolving into nightmares because we are scared of the future and its changes. We liked doing what we wanted when we wanted and where we wanted. Doubts keep surfacing and we try to keep them to ourselves as if we are the only ones on the planet who are or ever did think this way. We are alone in our thoughts and afraid to share them because this is a favorable change.

         New jobs, homes, friends and neighbors bring their own array of anxieties. They involve our breaking out of our mold and melting into something new. We are challenged to be unveiled and vulnerable. These things may be delightful but they leave us frightened about measuring up to the challenges we are facing. We fear that others can observe our faults, and failings.

         If we look at the negative changes that happen to us they basically fill us with the same challenges and fears of transformation. A death in the family diminishes us. Our world is forever changed and we are forced to move in another direction. It is difficult to see beyond our own room. The person we loved is not walking among the living. We can’t imagine not talking to them or seeing them. Our world is disintegrating. Coping is difficult. We almost resent hearing the laughter of others we meet. How, we wonder, can the sun rise and the cars busily take people to work? People walk swiftly to and from their respective destinations and we want to shout, “Can’t you understand I’ve lost the love of someone close to me?” No one hears us in the silence and we go through the motions of another day wondering if the agony will ever go away.

         In a similar way divorce is also devastating. Although it might be something we wanted, it is still an adjustment and an alteration in our lives. It is the death of a relationship and a love we had and believed in. It is in a sense similar to a death because it is the death of a love. It carries all of the pain yet garners little support from others who view this as a choice.

         Job loss is a total displacement. Self-esteem is lost and how we define ourselves is over. Even a retirement can feel similar to a job loss. We are reinventing ourselves and fighting to claim a new position.

         In all of these situations good and bad there are adjustments and modifications required. We have to amend our lives and or lifestyles. It is necessary to let go of what was and embrace the unknown. Things are different and variation is required.  Conversion to new loves, friends, family, jobs and interests becomes paramount. Replacing our old ways or habits may be difficult but necessary. We are constantly developing. Each evolvement brings us closer to becoming a whole person. Unwrapping the layers of our lives, brings us to greater enlightenment. Perceiving the whole picture leads us to a grander understanding of our life’s purpose.

“Progress involves risks. You can’t steal second base and keep your foot on first.” Frederick B. Wilcox

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Extinguish The Rage

"Speak when you're angry, and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret." Lawrence J. Peter

"Whenever you are in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude." William James

When one feels the smoldering inside of them because another person has ignited some kind of fear, the first thing we might do is question ourselves. That may sound ludicrous but an immediate question may find the reasons why we begin to flare up in anger. I am by no means saying our anger is due to another person's agitation. Just because another person angers us does not give us the right to speed our temper. Controlling our anger is our problem.
To make sense of it we need to understand what triggers our anger and then work on that. If another's tone of voice angers us ask why. Do we recall a parent's or spouse's or sibling's tone in that voice? Did they make us feel inferior or even stupid? That would explain why when we hear that tone from another, we tend to overreact. We might better understand and let go of our quick negative  reaction towards them.

Anger usually originates from fear. We  fear losing control. We fear losing respect, an object, a person, power, friends, position etc.. The list goes on but the fear is basically the same just varying degrees. If we get cut off when driving a car do we begin to think, the other driver deliberately tried to do it and wanted to prove they were crafty. In our minds we visualize them laughing at us, making fun of us. The flame inside of us burns stronger until we feel the need to attack in some way. This might be verbally, causing a barrage of profanities in front of our family or worse we recklessly race to try and cut them off at another area of the road.

reasoning why it bothered us so much may explain the real truth. they were simply taking their shot to move ahead and get to where they were going. We as a person were not intricately involved in their thinking. Most of the time, road rage has nothing to do with an individual person. It's more to do with winning or getting ahead or trying to make time or a zillion other reasons that have nothing at all to do with us. Our reaction has everything to do with our insecurity at being bested.

Why does it bother us when another person gloats about their vacation or job promotion, or new whatever? Does it make us think that they think they are better? Can we remember a time when we gloated about something, anything? Did we want to bother or upset another person? If we can say no to that question, then we should acknowledge that most likely people are happy about their current situation and they do want to brag. Parents perhaps pitted child against child during growing years creating a competitive environment. The bragging may not harm us physically but it sticks in our mind that we just lost some kind of mind game.

Reflect on your anger when you have some time especially when we get angry with our kids. Maybe they interrupted a movie or time with our spouse. Our kids may be acting in ways that reflect our own childhood when parents were admonishing us for a similar situation.We don't  want to hurt our child but we lash out at the imitation of ourselves doing what is now ingrained in us as stupid. Is it really lost?

If we are trying to fix something and it still doesn't work, will yelling at the wife, husband kids make the situation better? Maybe it is time to walk away from the thing and ask for help or work on it when our mind is refreshed. Don't fear not getting it done the way it was planned. Nothing ever goes according to schedule. There really are no deadlines. When one realizes that  our fear of not accomplishing goals and objectives is in our own minds then our frustrations won't lead to anger. Ask yourself a few of these questions today before you fan your fire.

"Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end." Denis Waitley

"Discipline is the habit of taking consistent action until one can perform with unconscious competence. Discipline weighs ounces but regret weighs tons." Jhoon Rhee

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INFURIATING PEOPLE

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction. Peace cannot be kept by force, it can only be achieved by understanding." Albert Einstein

Being  an observer, I noticed how many of us get fired up about things that are aggravating or upsetting. We tend to dwell on those issues that anger us. The more we think about it and ponder it and discuss it, the stronger the fire gets. It makes us want to correct the problem or so we think. So we lash out at the object of our perceived frustration throwing all of our fire at them. Then we watch them burn to ashes as we walk away. On our way back to sanity we convince ourselves or try to convince ourselves that they deserved it, made us do it. we were in our right to retaliate.

Have you ever noticed that after our storm, we have an uneasiness in our system that won't go away? We review all the things the person did to us in order to justify in our minds that we were correct in our angry actions. We even begin to talk about the person and the incident with others so that we can garner up support groups that agree with us. In the end it doesn't work and the uneasiness won't go away so we confront the object of our anger again because now we blame them for the uncomfortable feelings we are experiencing. It's their fault we got so angry. It's all their blame in the first place. Our actions now color our mood which isn't the happiest. We snap a quick retort at other innocent people.We feel tired and drained, and begin to have a cold or illness coming on. Sleep is restless and the anger and resentment towards our person of hatred increases.

 Does this sound familiar? We have all been in that place at one time or another. Viewing it from a far away place, and a far away time makes us realize it gained us nothing, and cost us a lot of damage to our own bodies. We caused misery for the person we retaliated against. One is left with a smoldering fire that simply won't be distinguished. It almost consumes one's thoughts. I had to ask myself if there was a better way I might have handled the whole situation and anger issue. I talked myself through a different scenario. If I had placed even 10% of the blame on myself, sat down and honestly spoke my feelings clearly and concisely, asked for feedback or a response to my efforts, would it have made a difference? Maybe the person that hurt me was having some deep rooted questions themselves, or going through a difficult time in their lives, or fearful of something that wasn't there. I didn't  stop to think their carelessness or thoughtlessness might not have had as much to do with me as it had to do with their own fears.

One moment of stepping back,  reflecting before reacting, compassion before retribution might have saved both of us a multitude of heartache. None  of us in honesty, is  without some blame. We should  never let a small smoldering fire inside of us, increase to the point of no return. In the end it not only consumes our agitator but also us. If I had simply put out the fire with talk, understanding, acceptance and tolerance, I would not have spent so many sleepless nights of anger and  worry. I would not have had an angry attitude towards everyone I met. Instead I could venture to  say my light of happiness would have burned instead and burned brightly without any pain to myself or others. Even when another does not respond to our overtures of reconciliation, we can keep trying and thus keep peace within ourselves. Keep our own light burning instead of turning it into a blaze that in the end destroys us.
"He who angers you conquers you." Elizabeth Kenny Australian Nurse
"There are two  ways of exerting one's strength: one is pushing down, the other is pulling up." Booker T. Washington
"The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none." Thomas Carlyle

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Break The Chains Of Worry And Live Laugh And Love

"When nothing seems to help, I go and look at a stone cutter hammering away at his rock perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred and first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not that blow that did it but  all that had gone before." Jacob Riis
"Life is made of memorable moments. We must teach ourselves to really live...to love the journey not the destination." Ann Quindlen


I think there could be and maybe should be many posts about fear because it consumes a huge part of our lives. We all fear so many things that they are too numerous to count. Let's talk today about fear of our meetings with the relatives. We want the right look, the right words, and to project the right meaning. We worry if our gift is appropriate. We worry about the meaning of the gifts we receive. We fear an other's remarks or jokes or slights. We tense at an other's body language and question an other's mood. Can anyone see  a problem here? We are not in the moment. We  are obviously not enjoying ourselves. We are almost being selfish in a sense because we are so caught up in the relationship another person has with us that we actually miss the reality around us. To question everyone and everything is a distrust. Fear is a distrust no matter what the object or person. If we feel and are enjoying the present then there should be no room for fear. Judgement goes hand in hand with fear.

If everyone chose not to judge another then we might possibly live without our fears. If one thinks they are being judged, fear rises to the surface. Likewise, if we are judgemental, then we most likely expect that others are rating us in some way. Getting  rid of judgements may get rid of our fears. So what if we look older, plumper, poorer, richer, angrier, incompetent, crazy, lost and a zillion other negative attributes. Reflect for a moment. We feel this because we believe others see us like that or will tag us with judgements that we have no control over. If all of us made a pact to stop our judgements of others we could stop fears. That  means that those of us who like to spread gossip and listen to gossip would have to stop and let it go. It's detrimental to the person we are talking about and more detrimental to ourselves.

It's not easy but people might be more relaxed and enjoy those get togetherness more often if they felt no one noticed their extra pounds, extra wrinkles, last year's clothes, gorgeous jewelry, (yes we criticize those with more money) louder voice due to our  frustrations, craziness due to our burdens and tremendous work load, and repetition from our temporary or permanent taxing life of indecision's. We could be ourselves at all times. We would not have to act differently with anyone or at anyplace. maybe some solutions might even come  through for us or by us for another because things would be out in the open and no one would fault us. It is the perfect world of course but if we all attempted a tiny bit, we would be a tiny bit closer to an awesome new world.


"Action conquers fear." Pete Zarlenga

"Each of us will one day be judged by our standard of life, not by our standard of living; by our measure of giving, not by our measure of wealth; by our simple goodness, not by our seeming greatness."  William A. Ward 

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How to stop jealousy and heal pain

"Shallow men believe in luck Strong men believe in cause and effect." Ralph Waldo Emerson


Everyone might register a trace of jealousy. Even though it might always be present, we can keep it under restraint. All of us struggle to balance our lives. We can presume that on the surface others have life easier. But all of us struggle. Some hard the labor of their lives better than others and some complain less. the grind is enduring for all. Supporting each other as well as managing the jealous tendency's, can make life so much easier. praise and gratefulness go a long  way in healing pain, frustration and envy. praising another actually releases our envy. It can evaporate our insecurities and allow us to see  the good qualities in another without making ourselves feel diminished. Our talents are real we need to recognize them. We don't need to be someone else or live in an other's shoes. When we break down the walls we create for ourselves  we allow ourselves permission to like and love others as well as accepting their love.

"Happiness is not a when or a where; it can be a here and now. But until you are happy with who you are you will never be happy because of what you have." Zig Ziglar

"Caring about others, running the risk of feeling and leaving an impact on people, brings happiness." Rabbi Harold Kushner

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On Reflection, Maybe The Gift Was Thoughtful.

"Kindness is more important than wisdom, and the recognitiion of this is the beginning of wisdom." Theodore Isaac Rubin
Stepphanie loved to cook. Her MIL hated to cook. Often Steph invited her MIL to dinner because she enjoyed how much her  MIL appreciated good food. Her MIL, Karen especially loved and would comment on Steph's  bread. One holiday Steph decided to buy a bread machine for her MIL. She could  hardly wait for her MIL to open the gift. Upon opening the gift, her MIL was extremely  dissappointed and appeared to be offended. Her MIL just stated Steph should keep the machine or return it because it wasn't something she would use. Steph was now offended herself  and the once strong bond of affection was strained. Both  women retreated to their own thoughts.
After a few days they talked. Karen said she understood that Steph would like her to start making her own bread so she didn't depend on Steph's invitations to dinner. Karen also explained that Steph should understand how much she hated to cook and would thus never use the machine.
Steph stated that she knew  how much Karen loved homemade bread and she wanted her MIL to enjoy it whenever she wanted without waiting for an invitation to dinner from Steph. Stephanie also explained that she was aware how much Karen hated to cook and she thought the machine was a compromise. It wasn't like homemade bread but it was better than store bought bread. Steph finished with how the machine was easy to use.
Both women were so surprised at the confusion the gift had caused. Don't measure the gift in terms of love. Many husbands have royally failed. One of my  husband's first gifts to me was a recipe card holder. I have told him many times he was lucky I went through with marrying him.
It will help at holiday time to think about the gifts of time that others have given. It is a much more valuable gift, and besides, isn't love unconditional?

"That best prtion of the good man's life- his little namelessness, unremembered acts of kindness and of love." Wadsworth

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