APPRECIATING HUMANITY

xx"Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted."  Aldous Huxley
I was thinking about how many little things are done for me by others. It made me realize what a great support system I have and how little I have  respected it or was grateful. I didn't want to feel guilty which only sucks energy so I began to mull it over instead. I thought about how many times others call to check on me or my family, or offer to help me do things I can't handle myself. I thought about birthday cards surprise visits and friendly texts or e-mails. When I mention I am having a bad  time at that moment in my life I am surrounded with support. It may not always come exactly the way I planned but it refreshes soothes and turns my day around. The mail person who waits for me to walk to  my box instead of  tossing it in because I am still far down my driveway took the time to acknowledge me as a person. The person in the grocery store who got me another carriage so my bags wouldn't spill out and then got a person from the store to wheel out the second carriage was awesome. Many times I like to get into the bathroom first in the morning and my husband never complains. I  don't stop to thank him or others for the many nice things that are done for me. I say thank you at the time people do something nice but I don't  really think long or deeply about how wonderful the kindness actually was. I know if someone is mean to me I review it and go on and on about it until I am sick of thinking about it. I just wondered why I couldn't savor the kind Acts longer than I agonize over the mean acts. Most people appear to be like me because they do not remember things I did for them yet they will give a noticeable face or remark if I have erred. I  would like someone to explain why we think more about bad things than good things. It seems so ridiculous yet universal. I am beginning to think that it is why we fight with others and cut them out of our lives. It isn't because of the one small thing that they did to us. It is because we didn't remember all the wonderful acts they do that go unnoticed. Even my birds that come to the bird feeder give back more to me than I to them. They allow me into their world for awhile and they teach me about trust. I am so much larger than they yet they land in front of me without fear. They don't forget who I am or what I have done for them. Why do we as a species forget? I don't have the answer unless to say we like to argue and fight. I hope that isn't true but then one must ask how come so many people have problems with so many other people. It has to boil down to simply recalling the thoughtful moments we receive goodness. I need to be more grateful to the core. I need to start trying this today because my mail person just dropped my mail on the ground. I tell myself remember simply remember!
"Write your injuries in the sand and write your  assistances in the cement." Anonymous

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HOLIDAY LOVE FROM A Child

If one searches for the word nurturing in a dictionary it means things like cherish, support, care for, look after, and take care of.  

Bringing up children goes beyond our wildest thoughts about what parenthood means. If the funds are low it is essential to find ways to make save and use our income frugally. Competing for our children’s love by purchasing toys is never a good solution for any parent. Toys should never be used manipulatively as a way to apologize for our anger or obtain our children’s love or attention. Our children’s love cannot be bought.

 The gift of time should never be underestimated. When children look back on their childhood, they remember how they spent their time with us not what prizes we gave to them.

 Counting our physical presence in the home with the child is not meaningful time. At breakfast answer a child’s questions but admit it when you do not have the answers. Sending them into another room or handing them a toy to play with is not an answer. We are dismissing them.

After school children have a hundred thoughts running through their heads about the day’s events. They need to release these streams of consciousness. Encourage them to talk. We will become privy to a bullying situation, school work problem, friendship issue, fighting incident, fear or anxiety problem that shamed them, fears of insecurity, worthlessness, hopelessness and helplessness to name a few. It is kind of like how we encounter many of our own days. How awesome for a child to realize that mom or dad face the same things each day and understand how they feel.

Ignoring our children because we have had a bad day or we are tired, enhances our child’s frustrations. They must wait until we are feeling good about ourselves. This compounds their difficulties and encourages our children to turn to others in their need.

Listening to the happy stories they want to express is as important as hearing their tribulations. Children want their parents to be proud of them. They do not always think that we are, especially when we spend a lot of time criticizing them, or putting them off.

It is essential to listen to our child’s story even if it is time spent with the other parent.

VIGNETTE

“Sometimes the people whom we've known for only a short amount of time have a bigger impact on us than those we've known forever.” Maya Angelou

One young girl and boy were very good friends. The young girl, named Tanya was extremely efficient and confident and always willing to speak for another child. The boy, named Tom, was rather quiet and reserved. At school Tanya spoke for Tom most of the time with Tom’s permission. Although Tanya was always efficient in all areas of her school life, she was unaware of her own body’s needs.

Tanya was burdened with a mother in jail and a father without a job. Tanya’s father attempted to get a job but was defeated with every attempt. It often appeared that Tanya was taking care of him instead of the other way around. Although the teacher had to admit he tried and he did love Tanya very much.

One day when Tom and Tanya were working together on a project at school, the teacher overheard them talking. “Tanya, how come you always smell bad?” asked Tom innocently. Tanya wide eyed and muddled answered, “I don’t know Tom.” The next day Tanya came to school with clean clothes and a freshly scrubbed body. She smiled at Tom who always smiled back in return. Nothing was said but a tremendous amount of knowledge had transpired between them.  

Tom received the help most of the time in any given situation. Intuitively, on that particular day, Tom was the giver of aid. He will never know what a tremendous gift he .gave to his young friend Tanya. Before the Holiday break at school, Tanya came into the classroom with a crumpled brown bag decorated in many colors. It was folded down and sealed with a crinkled piece of tape which was also holding a small candy cane. She immediately gave it to Tom whose entire face lit up with the surprise. Inside was a small car which Tom turned over and over in his hands. “I got it from my cereal box,” she explained. Tom flung his arms around Tanya and screeched, “You are the bestest friend anyone could ever have.” Tanya looked as happy as Tom. The power of love subdued the class and filled the teacher’s eyes with tears. We may never know how much warmth and love we have given another by a simple gesture of thought and kindness. The ripples from such an act infinitely spread throughout eternity. 

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REPRESSING RAGE BUILDS BRIDGES

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction. Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding." Albert Einstein


 I noticed how many of us get fired up about things that are aggravating or upsetting. We tend to dwell on those issues that anger us. The more we think about it and ponder it and discuss it, the stronger the fire gets. It makes us want to correct the problem or so we think. The way we choose to correct an incident can make a difference in the outcome. If we lash out at the person of our perceived frustration, throwing all of our frustration at them, we escalate the blaze and difficulty. We are left with the options of watching our antagonist burn to ashes or we can walk away.

After the altercation we come back to our sanity and convince ourselves the competitor deserved it and made us do it. Now we attempt to convince ourselves we were justified to retaliate. Have you ever noticed that after our storm, we have uneasiness that won't go away? We review all the things the person did to us in order to justify the correctness of our angry actions. Guilt is what appears to be creeping into our minds and we fight to eliminate it with a deeper examination of past upsets and injustices.  Validating our actions is paramount.

We begin to talk about the person and the incident with others so that we can acquire support and approval for our behaviors. In the end it doesn't work and the restlessness won't cease so we confront the object of our irritation again because now we blame them for the uncomfortable feelings we are having. It's their fault we got so annoyed.  Our actions now color our mood which isn't the happiest. We snap a quick retort at others, feel tired and drained, and begin to have a cold or illness coming on. Sleep is restless and the irritation and resentment towards the person of hatred increases.

 Does this sound familiar? We have all been in that place at one time or another. Viewing it from a faraway place, and a distant time makes us realize it gained us nothing, and cost us an assortment of damage. We feel emotionally and physically drained by our actions. Our opponent is likely experiencing the same feelings. The effect is a smoldering fire that simply won't be distinguished. It almost consumes our thoughts. We might ask if there was a better way we could have handled this whole anger situation.

 By talking through various scenarios, we can reflect on a healthier answer to the circumstances. If we accept 10% of the blame, sit down and honestly share our feelings a more favorable outcome may be attained. When we acquire back and forth feedback that is clear and concise it keeps everyone’s ego intact. It is comforting to know that our opponent is accepting a piece of the guilt regardless of the percentage. It may be unimportant to give ratios if we are attempting compromise and peace.  

We may consider the fact our opponent may have some deep rooted questions, or may be going through a difficult time in their lives. Even if their fear is unfounded, it can be just as immobilizing.  Their carelessness or thoughtlessness might have been their own worries. One moment of stepping back, reflecting before reacting, compassion before retribution might have saved both of us a multitude of heartache. None of us in honesty is without blame. We should never let a small smoldering fire inside of us, increase to the point of no return. In the end it consumes both of us.

By the simple art of discussion, we can put out the fire. With verbal communication we may understand, accept and tolerate transgressions against us. We may eliminate sleepless nights of doubt and worry. We can learn to have a positive open attitude towards everyone we encounter. Even when another does not respond to our overtures of reconciliation, we can keep peace within ourselves.  Rather than allowing fury to burn us into a blaze of ashes we can be a light of comfort for another in their moment of darkness. 

 "He who angers you conquers you." Elizabeth Kenny Australian Nurse
"There are two ways of exerting one's strength: one is pushing down, the other is pulling up." Booker T. Washington
"The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none." Thomas Carlyle

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STOP ENVY AND HEAL PAIN CARING FOR OTHERS

"Shallow men believe in luck Strong men believe in cause and effect." Ralph Waldo Emerson

We all experience envy throughout our lifetimes. But even though it may always be present, we can keep envious feelings restrained. All of us struggle to balance our lives. We presume on the surface others have life easier. But all of us struggle. Some hide the labor of their lives better than others and some complain less. The grind is enduring for all. Supporting each other as well as managing the envious tendencies can make life so much easier. Praise and gratitude promote healing for our pain, frustration and envy. Complimenting another actually releases our envy. It can evaporate our insecurities and allow us to see the good qualities in another without making ourselves feel diminished. Our talents are real. We need to recognize them. We don't need to be someone else to gain satisfaction in our lives.

Giving praise to another is simply acknowledging an accomplishment they have been successful with achieving. Many goals others strive to attain may not be anything we are motivated to accomplish. We must think about the price people pay for certain achievements. To be in the Olympics one must forfeit money and time spent with family and friends. Having a job that takes you from loved ones day and night is costly to children. It may provide you with lots of money but little time to guide your children. Gaining more possessions means more duties and gadgets to maintain. On the surface, what we see is not always the complete picture. What we envy may not be what we would ever desire if we realized the cost.

At times another person appears to be superior or have more material wealth or prestige. This person may have more glory honor and money. The question is, why that should matter if we are doing well, making progress and content with our spouse, children, friends and family. If we are not content then we need to elevate our relationships. Put more effort into our interactions and possibly look for a better job or search for the means to promote our education in the desired field.  Maybe we need a simple overhaul in the relationship we have with our spouse who may also be feeling unwanted or underappreciated.

By focusing our attention to the positive details in our existence we may find possessions beyond worth. All of us take so much for granted including the many people navigating through our lives frequently. The vacation lasts a week or two. The new outfit gets old quickly. The new car breaks down as well as the new toys. Even technology falls short of the power of love, empathy and compassion.  Fame is fleeting. Money does not buy love or friendship.  Fortune does not fend off physical or emotional problems.

Support and meaning in our lives comes through our hearts and the love we send out to others. Sending love to others actually increases the love that comes back to us. All of us have the ability and means to increase our love supply on a daily basis. In the end we find that love is all that matters and all that endures.  This love includes the many forms of love beyond the physical. When we realize the importance of love we gain a fundamental understanding of the meaning of life. We would wipe out fear, doubt, envy, anxiety and hatred.  We would replace the negatives with concern for other’s well-being.  That’s the kind of world I would like to experience.
"Happiness is not a when or a where; it can be a here and now. But until you are happy with who you are you will never be happy because of what you have." Zig Ziglar
"Caring about others, running the risk of feeling and leaving an impact on people brings happiness." Rabbi Harold Kushner

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Change is Rapid but Recovery Gradual

“The life of a winner is the result of an unswerving commitment to a never ending process of self-completion.”  Terry Bradshaw

Nobody likes unexpected changes. Even good changes leave us floundering for a while. We might think happy events would charge us with happy attitudes. Sometimes the opposite happens. An upcoming marriage is an awesome happening. Everyone is excited. If one checks on the viewpoints of the major players in this event, we discover not all parties are exuberant. There are many sad stories that result from these so called happy changes.

         It isn’t that weddings are not in themselves joyful. The problem is these major occurrences in life bring about change and change brings alterations to our daily lives. We get comfortable with the way things are and any transformations, good or bad, leave us floundering. We can’t see into the future and we fear the unknown. We think, it might be worse instead of, it might be better. We are kicked out of our comfort zone so we panic and become full of anxiety.

         Weddings bring forth cheerful gatherings, friendly people good food and new beginnings. They have the added hope of new life and grandchildren. There doesn’t seem to be room for any misgivings. There is adjustment. Our child is officially an adult, on their own, influenced by another person not of our picking. We fear losing influence, time, and connectedness with them.

We also fear our need to move on in a different direction because we no longer need to spend time nurturing our children, we have more time.

         The newlyweds fear their decision to have chosen this individual to spend the rest of their lives with. They have doubts and questions. They fear being thrown into the adult role and taking responsibility for themselves, and their mistakes. It was easier allowing their parents to guide them, make the decisions and take the blame for anything going off track. They are anxious about paying bills, living with another individual and being accountable for their own lives. Reality is setting in and it is not a totally comfortable event.

         Having a baby is another wonderful happening. It would appear to bring out only happy times. This is not so. Now we need to put another person before ourselves. We need to worry more about saving and paying bills. We must be more responsible in our behaviors because we are now influencing another human being. Our driving might improve and our driving speed may be slower. Our binge drinking has to end and thoughts about smoking and foul language take on their own importance. We begin to doubt our capability to accomplish this task.

         Both of these wonderful happenings are evolving into nightmares because we are scared of the future and its changes. We liked doing what we wanted when we wanted and where we wanted. Doubts keep surfacing and we try to keep them to ourselves as if we are the only ones on the planet who are or ever did think this way. We are alone in our thoughts and afraid to share them because this is a favorable change.

         New jobs, homes, friends and neighbors bring their own array of anxieties. They involve our breaking out of our mold and melting into something new. We are challenged to be unveiled and vulnerable. These things may be delightful but they leave us frightened about measuring up to the challenges we are facing. We fear that others can observe our faults, and failings.

         If we look at the negative changes that happen to us they basically fill us with the same challenges and fears of transformation. A death in the family diminishes us. Our world is forever changed and we are forced to move in another direction. It is difficult to see beyond our own room. The person we loved is not walking among the living. We can’t imagine not talking to them or seeing them. Our world is disintegrating. Coping is difficult. We almost resent hearing the laughter of others we meet. How, we wonder, can the sun rise and the cars busily take people to work? People walk swiftly to and from their respective destinations and we want to shout, “Can’t you understand I’ve lost the love of someone close to me?” No one hears us in the silence and we go through the motions of another day wondering if the agony will ever go away.

         In a similar way divorce is also devastating. Although it might be something we wanted, it is still an adjustment and an alteration in our lives. It is the death of a relationship and a love we had and believed in. It is in a sense similar to a death because it is the death of a love. It carries all of the pain yet garners little support from others who view this as a choice.

         Job loss is a total displacement. Self-esteem is lost and how we define ourselves is over. Even a retirement can feel similar to a job loss. We are reinventing ourselves and fighting to claim a new position.

         In all of these situations good and bad there are adjustments and modifications required. We have to amend our lives and or lifestyles. It is necessary to let go of what was and embrace the unknown. Things are different and variation is required.  Conversion to new loves, friends, family, jobs and interests becomes paramount. Replacing our old ways or habits may be difficult but necessary. We are constantly developing. Each evolvement brings us closer to becoming a whole person. Unwrapping the layers of our lives, brings us to greater enlightenment. Perceiving the whole picture leads us to a grander understanding of our life’s purpose.

“Progress involves risks. You can’t steal second base and keep your foot on first.” Frederick B. Wilcox

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DEVELOP CONFIDENCE DISCARD FEAR

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

 Many times we allow others to dictate the rules and pass judgment on us. Of course at work our superiors do it all the time. The problem is bosses are not always correct in their conclusions of our work or behavior. Why one boss finds our work very good while another condemns it is frustrating.  It is because like everything else, it is subjective. My idea about how to go about building something will most likely differ from your ideas about a structure.  The person who gets to dictate is the person with more power.  This does not mean they really have a better plan. It simply means they have the control over the rules. When one dictates the procedures, one also dictates the desired result. Even if we follow someone else’s guidelines, there is no guarantee of the outcome. The only guarantee is that we will take the blame if we are not successful. The truth is many people are diminished and insecure because others fault them at work or in any group project or situation. The result is devastating to the person blamed, who begins feeling inadequate about everything they attempt.

                We might think about the child on a sports team who is rarely played, so his job is to warm the bench. He loses precious time to improve his ball skills while the players who get more field time advance impressively. What happens is the athletes playing regularly build their confidence while those players who frequently sit out most of the game, build their self-doubt. At times this can carry over into other areas of their lives. Adults who have trouble getting along with the boss are in the same situation. They can’t seem to get it right or improve whatever their boss is recommending. It would occur to any thinking person that it is not deliberate and the person is attempting to please their boss. After all they don’t want to lose their job. Curiously the insecure person doesn’t know how to get off of the damaging path they are treading.

The person becomes subordinate, has self-doubt and low self-esteem. These feelings add to his or her dilemma. What this person might have attempted before their insecurity fills them with fear. They are already under scrutiny and can’t afford to make any mistakes. They begin doing everything by the rule book without any thoughts of good or bad. In the end they fail totally because the odds have been successfully stacked against them. The sorry part is that they are now diminished as a person and innately feel like a failure. They have lost their self-confidence and desire to try anything new. It carries into all areas of their lives and we now see a depressed person.

At one time this person was relevant and viable and had some self-worth. They felt competent at making decisions. The point is they are still the same person. They simply allowed themselves to be defined as a person, by somebody else. This definition is far removed from who they really are and what they truly are capable of doing. They need to understand this or they will dive into a full blown depression. It is amazing the power one can wield over another without permission. It is astounding that people would hurt another so deeply without a care. If a boss is upset with someone’s work, they might simply get a mentor to intervene. They also might help the person with suggestions in a kind manner. Firing someone or ripping them apart is loathsome. There are other ways to deal with a person that would yield better results, keep their confidence intact and aid the workplace in the process.

Our attitudes, looks, age and personalities unfortunately enter into decisions others make about us. We may not be able to control these matters. What we can control and must control are our own beliefs. Our character is known to us and a higher being. Just because another person ranked higher in the job sphere does not mean they can dictate who or what we are. We must believe in ourselves and our abilities and leave no room for doubt. Having confidence and feeling adequate does not mean we can’t accept criticism and input from others. Even the boss has crossed the line if we feel subordinate, stupid, incapable and immobilized. It really is our choice to refrain from believing this defines us. We are so much more than that. We are so much more than others even know about us. We might have to learn new things but we are capable of learning. Given the correct tools advice and help, we can accomplish much.

If we are uncomfortable in a work situation, we might think about switching areas within a company, switching hours or teams or attempting to find employment elsewhere. We always have choices. We should never feel boxed in. When we believe we have no alternatives, that is the time  we shut down. We might have to look around and search for our answers elsewhere. We might team up with another worker. We should be comfortable asking others for help or we might take a refresher course. What we cannot do is lose our value in our own eyes. All the wonderful things we do, can do and will do are lost if we give up on our-self. One person or one group’s interpretation of what we are is ludicrous. Step back and put the whole scene into focus. Sometimes change is good and might be the right thing to do. We can’t be afraid to step out into the unknown and take the chance. If we reflected we might realize things would not be any worse and they might just be better. Build your self-confidence and trust your own delineation of who you are.

"Don't be afraid to take a big step if needed. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps." Anonymous

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." Dr. Martin Luther King

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Escape The Fear And Anxiety

"To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenient solutions ; both dispense with the necessity of reflecion." Jules Henri

Fear can and does take over our lives. Chunking down our fears shows us they are unfounded in almost every situation. Let's face it, we are paying a terrible toll for what most likely will never occur. We may pity the person who is afraid of heights or afraid to go into crowds yet we don't notice our own shortcomings regarding fear. We fear another's  getting the better of us so we contradict what they say. later we regret what we said and more anxiety prevails.  We add some guilt on top of the fear. It might be easier for us all if we make a conscious attempt to think before we speak. Once we've spoken we need not wonder about  worthiness or repercussions of our actions.

We might attempt to speak from the heart and not the hip. If we speak from the heart we have not intentionally harmed  anyone. How a person interprets what was said is their issue. Later when we are trying to fall asleep, we won't be bothered by nagging thoughts of if we did this or that and was it good or bad. Try to always think first and then have no regrets. If you are later proven wrong about something go from there adding thought before you speak again. If we fear losing love of any kind question why. Do you think the sun will  not come up again? Do you think no one else loves you or you will not ever love anyone else? Do you want to control that person rather than just love them? In our hearts there is room to love many others.

We don't have to  be the only ones filling another's void. Others have room in their hearts to love many people. The more love we have the more love that comes back to us and the better person we become. So why fear sharing love. Why fear losing love. If we respect and nurture our love it should thrive. Love should never be put  in chains. If we have to lock up a treasure in order to hold on to it then it is not free and therefore not ours.

Fear of change is a very big fear for all of us. Change is something we can always count on. Again one must think of change as a chance to add more experiences and people into our circle of love and friendship. People are not scary. We need not fear a job change. There is always the quiet person, the "expert", the loud ones etc. It is as if we never left the previous employment. Finding love and friendship in one place should give us hope of finding it in many other places. We all want acceptance and people to  respect and cherish. Our goals are the same in many ways. Stop fearing the unknown because we have some knowledge of it.. Truthfully we are aware of things about ourselves that would never measure up to another's, however we also have things about us that no one else can compete with. The fact is we are so unique. Besides as I often say life is not a competition. Life is an awesome learning experience.

Somehow I don't think our higher being is worried about how much technology we've learned or how many school books we've memorized. I believe we will be judged on just how much love we have learned to give regardless of what comes back to us in the process. It's about giving our hearts away time and again to others. In that way we learn to love ourselves. In loving ourselves we can love others more and risk more. We all have the power so don't fear,  just go on out to face the world and always give it your humble loving best.

"People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered. Love them anyway. If you do good, people accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Do good anyway. If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway. The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Honesty and frankness makes you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway. The biggest person with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest person with the smallest mind. Think big anyway. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build it anyway. People really need help but may attack if you help them. Help people anyway. Give the world the best you have and you might get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you've got anyway."
Anonymous

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Extinguish The Rage

"Speak when you're angry, and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret." Lawrence J. Peter

"Whenever you are in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude." William James

When one feels the smoldering inside of them because another person has ignited some kind of fear, the first thing we might do is question ourselves. That may sound ludicrous but an immediate question may find the reasons why we begin to flare up in anger. I am by no means saying our anger is due to another person's agitation. Just because another person angers us does not give us the right to speed our temper. Controlling our anger is our problem.
To make sense of it we need to understand what triggers our anger and then work on that. If another's tone of voice angers us ask why. Do we recall a parent's or spouse's or sibling's tone in that voice? Did they make us feel inferior or even stupid? That would explain why when we hear that tone from another, we tend to overreact. We might better understand and let go of our quick negative  reaction towards them.

Anger usually originates from fear. We  fear losing control. We fear losing respect, an object, a person, power, friends, position etc.. The list goes on but the fear is basically the same just varying degrees. If we get cut off when driving a car do we begin to think, the other driver deliberately tried to do it and wanted to prove they were crafty. In our minds we visualize them laughing at us, making fun of us. The flame inside of us burns stronger until we feel the need to attack in some way. This might be verbally, causing a barrage of profanities in front of our family or worse we recklessly race to try and cut them off at another area of the road.

reasoning why it bothered us so much may explain the real truth. they were simply taking their shot to move ahead and get to where they were going. We as a person were not intricately involved in their thinking. Most of the time, road rage has nothing to do with an individual person. It's more to do with winning or getting ahead or trying to make time or a zillion other reasons that have nothing at all to do with us. Our reaction has everything to do with our insecurity at being bested.

Why does it bother us when another person gloats about their vacation or job promotion, or new whatever? Does it make us think that they think they are better? Can we remember a time when we gloated about something, anything? Did we want to bother or upset another person? If we can say no to that question, then we should acknowledge that most likely people are happy about their current situation and they do want to brag. Parents perhaps pitted child against child during growing years creating a competitive environment. The bragging may not harm us physically but it sticks in our mind that we just lost some kind of mind game.

Reflect on your anger when you have some time especially when we get angry with our kids. Maybe they interrupted a movie or time with our spouse. Our kids may be acting in ways that reflect our own childhood when parents were admonishing us for a similar situation.We don't  want to hurt our child but we lash out at the imitation of ourselves doing what is now ingrained in us as stupid. Is it really lost?

If we are trying to fix something and it still doesn't work, will yelling at the wife, husband kids make the situation better? Maybe it is time to walk away from the thing and ask for help or work on it when our mind is refreshed. Don't fear not getting it done the way it was planned. Nothing ever goes according to schedule. There really are no deadlines. When one realizes that  our fear of not accomplishing goals and objectives is in our own minds then our frustrations won't lead to anger. Ask yourself a few of these questions today before you fan your fire.

"Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end." Denis Waitley

"Discipline is the habit of taking consistent action until one can perform with unconscious competence. Discipline weighs ounces but regret weighs tons." Jhoon Rhee

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CONSIDER WHAT COUNTS

"You give but little when you give of your own possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give." Kahil Gibran

 We search for things all the time. We can never seem to get everything done by the end of the day. We think, maybe if I try harder tomorrow or give up some lunch time or get out earlier or  get up earlier etc. We're all lacking time yet we are not so worried about time. It's as if we want all their is in the amount of time we get in a day. If you ask a wife or a husband what they would like from their spouse it will most likely be time alone. Children ask and ask parents to watch, look listen help and play. On the worst day at work we might be thinking about when it is time to go home and see our loved ones. The key word is time yet we abuse it misuse it and waste it. When we get time we forget all the good thoughts we had about what is important in our lives and instead begin to focus on what we should or need  to do. So we have the problem what is the answer?

I think we need to focus on what we know is important. That is what we think about in our worst states of mind. People are what counts. One must begin thinking about people and how important they are to us.The sink, laundry, shopping housecleaning computer phone calls, texts and papers can literally wait. People should never have to place second to any of these devices swallowing up our time. If we lined them all up and were told to only choose one it is likely we would choose the  people we love. Yet we spend so much time doing all those other things. What never seems to get done is TIME with PEOPLE. It's never too late to change our habits. Put those you love first in your life. If you only have a limited time never cut it from your loved ones. You will find relationships stronger and connections to your children stronger to the point that you may not have the problems you  had with them when you didn't have time for them. Marriage problems lighten,  child issues get resolved quicker and somehow  when you go to bed at night you don't feel guilty that you didn't get to those other things. Because you have taken care of the main things in your life. Suddenly you might discover that your life appears to be flowing smoother and you wonder why. Maybe it is because you have chosen wisely in the way you decided to spend your time.

"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." Albert Einstein

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Break The Chains Of Worry And Live Laugh And Love

"When nothing seems to help, I go and look at a stone cutter hammering away at his rock perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred and first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not that blow that did it but  all that had gone before." Jacob Riis
"Life is made of memorable moments. We must teach ourselves to really live...to love the journey not the destination." Ann Quindlen


I think there could be and maybe should be many posts about fear because it consumes a huge part of our lives. We all fear so many things that they are too numerous to count. Let's talk today about fear of our meetings with the relatives. We want the right look, the right words, and to project the right meaning. We worry if our gift is appropriate. We worry about the meaning of the gifts we receive. We fear an other's remarks or jokes or slights. We tense at an other's body language and question an other's mood. Can anyone see  a problem here? We are not in the moment. We  are obviously not enjoying ourselves. We are almost being selfish in a sense because we are so caught up in the relationship another person has with us that we actually miss the reality around us. To question everyone and everything is a distrust. Fear is a distrust no matter what the object or person. If we feel and are enjoying the present then there should be no room for fear. Judgement goes hand in hand with fear.

If everyone chose not to judge another then we might possibly live without our fears. If one thinks they are being judged, fear rises to the surface. Likewise, if we are judgemental, then we most likely expect that others are rating us in some way. Getting  rid of judgements may get rid of our fears. So what if we look older, plumper, poorer, richer, angrier, incompetent, crazy, lost and a zillion other negative attributes. Reflect for a moment. We feel this because we believe others see us like that or will tag us with judgements that we have no control over. If all of us made a pact to stop our judgements of others we could stop fears. That  means that those of us who like to spread gossip and listen to gossip would have to stop and let it go. It's detrimental to the person we are talking about and more detrimental to ourselves.

It's not easy but people might be more relaxed and enjoy those get togetherness more often if they felt no one noticed their extra pounds, extra wrinkles, last year's clothes, gorgeous jewelry, (yes we criticize those with more money) louder voice due to our  frustrations, craziness due to our burdens and tremendous work load, and repetition from our temporary or permanent taxing life of indecision's. We could be ourselves at all times. We would not have to act differently with anyone or at anyplace. maybe some solutions might even come  through for us or by us for another because things would be out in the open and no one would fault us. It is the perfect world of course but if we all attempted a tiny bit, we would be a tiny bit closer to an awesome new world.


"Action conquers fear." Pete Zarlenga

"Each of us will one day be judged by our standard of life, not by our standard of living; by our measure of giving, not by our measure of wealth; by our simple goodness, not by our seeming greatness."  William A. Ward 

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OUR UNIQUENESS DISTINGUISHES OUR IMPACT

"One learns people through the heart, not the eyes or the intellect." Mark Twain


It might sound absurd but most of us hide behind smiles and words. Out of fear most likely or a lack of trust, we keep our true identities hidden. It seems sad that so many of us either don't think another would like us if they knew "what we were really like," or "how we were really feeling." Relationships would be deeper if we could get beyond our doubts and fears. That also means all of us need to stop judging others so that they may feel more secure in releasing their genuine feelings. Strong emotions bring out confusion. We ;might be unsure about what we should do. Others know this and most likely that is why most of our emotions are hidden. We present the smile and expected words of camaraderie. Inside the person may be feeling sad, tortured, sick, depleted, scared, unsure, and afraid to release these thoughts even to close relatives. What have we become? All of us have a wide range of thoughts  and emotions and an even wider range of fears. We leave the party intact along with everyone else and go home feeling alone in our depressing thoughts even more so because everyone else appeared to have a great time. Surprise! Most people at the gathering assumed you were having a great time even though  they were not. If we didn't judge, then we could all let our  hair down. The most even tempered, together person, at times feels lost. We are human. We all have doubts and fears especially because we are making choices every day and facing problems to solve every day. Our decisions don't  always fly well with others yet we know they are the right choices to make. Life is full of doubt fear and pain. Let's turn it around and realize we are triumphant in treading down the difficult path.

It's difficult to accept and deal with challenges and getting older,  It's hard to accept responsibility and blame  and children moving on from our homes. Job loss and diseases and sicknesses and loss are challenging to face. It's okay to acknowledge in our hearts that we may not be as happy as our smile indicates. It's also  okay to enjoy the happy moments that come our way. It does not in any way diminish our feelings about personal issues. It should be okay to mention we are not in top form and at times sad or scared or angry or unhappy. It's like releasing it to the universe and accepting any positive feedback that results from this release. Others may understand us more than we think. We hide but not really. Some things are just mute but understood. We can't be afraid to take off the covers of our true self and we can't be so judgemental that we prevent others and ourselves from doing it. Then when we smile it will be real. We may also smile more because it really is okay to have a whole range of feelings inside of us going through us at the same time. It's okay to be human.

"We only know of one duty and that is to love." Albert Camus

"To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived, this is to have succeeded." Ralph Waldo Emerson

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WHEN ENVY ACTIVATES SUSPICION

"Sometimes our candle goes out,but is blown into flame by an encounter with another human being." Albert Schweitzer


How are your Holidays progressing? As one gets older the Holidays seem to manifest bittersweet memories. We all remember people who were with us at past holidays. We remember a favorite dessert a certain someone loved to eat. We recall one's habits and rituals which bring tears to our eyes. It tortures us to live in the past and it actually deprives us of creating special moments with those we are with at the present point in time. Even though it is difficult, we need to look beyond our hurts and even our desires and gain an inner contentment reflecting on the good things we have and the loving people that  are currently in our lives. We really do have that choice. One can choose to dwell on our injuries or rejoice in our loving relationships. Nobody can go backwards in time. I believe we must allow the pain to slip away on the wings of butterflies.
The present is what is. Pain will always be remembered but reliving it hurts us over and over again. It depletes our energy, confuses our minds, and prevents us from allowing our hearts to open up to the surrounding love. Being whole again is invigorating. Being whole again doesn't mean we forget or block anything away. We simply choose to focus on what is right and beautiful in our lives. If there be one individual or animal that loves us we are blessed. if we can't think of anyone then we can easily search and find another person who would so appreciate having a friend. We are not ever alone unless we choose it. Let go of the fear of the unknown. Let go of the fear of embracing  something knew. Sometimes when we observe others having a great time at a gathering, we wish we could be some of those people. What we see is not always reality.

 Many of us at times feel alone in our hurts even amongst a crowd of people. It can become easy to feign happiness. Step into your life and embrace it with open arms. See beyond your doubts, jealousies and fears. Never give up. Never give up. It's just at the moment when you feel the worst, that things might just change for the better. We do have to help ourselves. So open your heart to others and don't fear the unknown. Seriously count your blessings. You might be surprised at how many there are.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain." Vivian Greene

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A positive approach is to search inward not outward

"No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars, or sailed to an enchanted land, or opened a new doorway for the human spirit." Helen Keller


Was the  holiday expressive or repressive? We survived it. It would be nice if we could say we enjoyed it and I am now convinced I can say it. I focus on my attitude and not the attitude of others. If someone tries to draw me into a controversial discussion I do not take the bait. Sometimes people are just in an honory mood so I keep my distance until it is safe. Did you ever notice as I have that when I am in a bad mood I  tend to take it out on the same person. It seems to happen that some person is most likely the recipient of our anger if they are nearby. Of course if they are not it leaves us with finding another. It proves to me that lots of times my anger might be unjustified and the result of my own mood. I am beginning to feel guilty now if I  upset others and cause a domino effect. It makes me think aout causing a more positive effect. To think how many times I have caused my own terrible holiday experience makes me want to chew out myself. Now I prepare.

I remember to ignore remarks that may not hold the meaning I think they hold. I put myself in another's shoes and think about why they are frustrated and being mean. I overlook another's quick temper and mark it off as a possible disagreement with another, or trouble at their place or employment or withing their own homes. I don  not want the responsibility of another's bad mood to cause me a miserable holiday. I also do not want to be swallowed up into their issues. I want to enjoy the happy moments because many times  they are not often enough. More holidays are on the way and really I believe we can make of them what we want. I for one do not want to make them miserable for myself  or others, nor do I want to create a problem with another human being which will torment me far beyond the holiday. The choice is mine.

"Life offers no guarantees...just choices;no certainty...but consequences;no predictable outcomes...just the privilege of pursuit." Tim Connor

"He climbs highest who helps another up." George Matthew Adams

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THE EFFECTIVENESS OF COMPLIMENTS

"Envy is a symptom of lack of appreciation of our own uniqueness and self-worht. Each of us has something to give that no one else has." Elizabeth O'Connor


A person relishes promising comments and praise of their child or themselves. This helps to create bonds of friendship and goodwill with your siblings-in-law. The end result likely is an ally and a pal you can confide in. Compliments stimulate greater achievement. They also place negativity into the background where it belongs. Seeing a gas tank half full instead of half empty encourages one to continue forward rather than stopping or worse backing up. If we feel better when we hang out with certain people, it makes us want to hang out with them all the more or at the very least we look forward to a sharing time with them. competition is a start to jealousy and envy. If we don't measure up it leaves us angry and or defeated. We might also resent the other person or want to beat them at something. If we thought long and hard about the negative energy it took us to calm down we would skip it I'm sure. The alternative is to let it eat away at our stamina and nerves and contribute to health problems. At times we create our own dilemma. When we get up in  the morning, do we see the same person as the day before? We haven't changed. We are special unique and one of a kind. We have qualities no one else has. We  do things to help others we might not even know that we did. Any interaction with another person might offer more to that person than we will ever find out. If we were not the to wait on them or help them or greet them, they might never have been lifted out of their depressing mood. When we help others we help ourselves. We can all start with out own families and friends. Why make life more difficult by causing more strife. One compliment can carry a person further than a feather dropped from a high building on a windy day. Enjoy the compliments  others give to you and don't be stingy with your compliments.

"In marriage, with children at work, in any association-an ounce of praise of sincere appreciation of some act or attribute can very often do more than a ton of fault-finding. If we look for it we can usually find in even the most unlikely unlikable and incapable person something to commend and encourage. Doubtless it is a human frailty but most of us in the glow of feeling we have pleased
want to do more to please and knowing we have done well want to do better." Anonymous

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Actions That Avoid Conflict.

"What you dislike in another take care to correct in yourself." Thomas Spratt
"Our greatest glory consists not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." Oliver Goldsmith


Insecurity breeds contempt for any kind of boastful comment. Every time a sibling or sibling-in-law shares the most recent event in her young or older child's life does not mean he or she is boastful. Size is not better. Learning is not intelligence. Athletic ability is not valor or prowess. Beauty never denotes inner quality. Why then do we fret? We cannot be insecure in our own hearts. Pitting siblings or grandchildren against each other creates animosity and tension. Stop self-doubt. Each of us holds the potential for greatness. Maybe if we respond with a simple reply of acknowledgement to the parent, we will avoid confrontation, "a who is greater match", and making a memory we'd rather forget.  Viewing each other in a more vulnerable way just might help us to accept the person while understanding each others striving to simply be. While at your holiday gathering, look for and enjoy the good of the moment.

"The hardest thing for any young couple to learn is that other parents have perfect children also."
Herbert Prochnow

"All kids are gifted, some just open their packages earlier than others." Michael  Carr

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Steps That Light The Right Road

"We can grow by our questions as well as by our answers."
"Our words are seeds planted in other people's lives." John Mason

Hi
Stop to reflect how we at times set up our  own competition. If we begin boasting about our accomplishments or  those of our children we set the wheel in motion. It may not be our siblings or mother or mother-in-law that begins the game. Simple factual information is more appreciated and  recognized than an onslaught of The boss praised me the other day for ............. If we have been refraining from competition then you may just get a few compliments. If you don't receive any attention then I would ponder the sadness of anothers life at that moment that they cannot ring themselves to praise you due to their position in life at the moment. If we have nothing to give, how sad is that. Feel sorry for them instead of jealous. If your the one never finding it in your heart to compliment another think about when it is your turn for honor why others are not as enthusiastic. It takes a very big person to praise and honor another regardless of what is going on in their own lives. It is easy to be happy for another when we think we are better than they are. It takes dignity and a sense of self-worth to praise others even when our own lives may be falling apart. When a person comments about how large their child is or how tall, it makes me wonder if I  missed something. Is tall better than short or is large better than small? Are blue eyes better than brown or dark hair better than light? Where do these notions come from? I think maybe I should think about how many times I have compared and thus started a competition and I didn't even think  about it.

"It requires less character to discover the fault of others than to tolerate them."J. Petit Senn

"Reputation is what men and women think of us; character is what God and angels know of us." Thomas Paine

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Build Your Confidence; Get Rid Of Your Fear

"Fear is a disease that eats away at logic and makes man inhuman." Marian Anderson

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction." Albert Einstein

I believe that in all of our relationships we allow fear to enter. This fear causes us more pain than we need to assume or experience. Most of our pain is of our own creation. Husbands and wives doubt each others love or motives. Friends feel let down when their expectations of us are not met. Family members have the greatest burden next to  spouses. We expect so much more from them and become inevitably disappointed and pained as well as angry when they don't meet our expectations. In all of this we must question our fear of loss. We prefer to keep our friend to ourselves. Sharing might find our friend enjoying another's company more than our company. Husbands and wives are jealous at times  when another person might interact with their significant other. Spouses also question each others desire to spend time with any other friend or relative or activity. Siblings resent each others pleasure with friendships while they ignore each other. Mothers-in-Law and Daughters-in-Law fear losing their son/husband. In all of this the main idea is that none of us care if another has a good time. What we fear is the loss of time and affection from  someone we love and care about. If we can put our fear aside, our negative feelings would disappear. This is easily said than done. Although facing unwarranted fears can help us to begin to question our own motives of fear. In the end we all want company and fear being alone. Fear is probably the culprit of many disagreements, yet it is most likely never observed at the source. Question our fears. Put them to rest. Most of the time it is wasted energy.

"You can't change the past but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future." Anonymous

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Keep Thoughts Like A Warm Breeze On A Summer Day

"Watch your THOUGHTS, they become  WORDS. Watch your WORDS, they become ACTIONS. Watch your ACTIONS, they become HABITS. Watch your HABITS, they become CHARACTER. Watch your CHARACTER, it becomes your DESTINY."  Fran Outlaw

Has anyone ever felt like they were floundering? useless? defeated? My thoughts exactly. I started wondering why we get to that point. We worry about what we do because people might misinterpret it. We worry about what we say because it might not register the way we meant it. We worry about what everyone else said and did because we reflect on what they meant by it all. Our thoughts  make us worry. I decided it was time to control my thoughts. I'm not perfect. You're not perfect. We need to stop putting so much pressure on each other. I'm going to accept that what you said or did was meant in the best of intentions even if it came out all wrong and caused me pain. I'll accept that you had a bad day or week or month or even year. I'll accept that you were dealing with family or health issues. I'll accept that you haven't yet learned to let the small stuff float away. I hope in all of this we will always be good friends or good family members.

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend."  Albert Camus

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