EXCUSES

"Act as if what you do makes a difference, it does." William James

Yes on any given day I can come up with a million excuses to avoid doing anything. I would venture to say I am not alone. It is clearly a problem because it keeps me from interactions with others, accomplishing jobs I had set as goals for the day, completing and making deadlines set by others, and living up to promises I made to friends and family. 

I don't intentionally plan on skipping things I should do. Now that is a pardon for me to feel better. There are definitely times when our justifications are real and not so much a coping out as an they are a real obstacle preventing us from doing what we should do. No criticism intended but gaining a handle on excuses allows us to accomplish so much more. We don't call the friend because we are watching a good TV show or checking our e-mails or sitting on the couch without having to think or talk about anything. 


At work, we find something boring or so difficult it is impossible to begin. At home  our tasks always take longer than what we think and we know this and simply don't want to get started in the first place. The luxury of doing nothing seems to be given only at times when we are sick. Of course at these  times we can't enjoy this free time because we don't feel well. Some of us use others to escape work effort and responsibility. A  divorced father can escape his  obligations by acknowledging his wife doesn't permit  him to see the kids which may be true. what a relief. No lost time or effort on his part and no guilt. A headache or cold ought to alleviate our helping with the household tasks even if we are feeling a bit better. We can take another day. I am guilty of many of these affairs myself. I know I would be further along  with my jobs if I tackled them without thought just responsibility. Some tasks are important like our kids. We need to separate what counts from counting what tasks are waiting. Kids can't wait. They desperately need us and after all we are their parents. So if I can't bend over as much due to a leg injury I can still kick that ball back to my kid and let them toss it again. I can still be there to talk or listen or watch the world around us evolving. That's final no exoneration, I need to go and take care of what matters most.

"Things that matter most should never be at  the mercy of things which matter least." Johann Van Goethe

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CRUSH REGRET; SEEK COURAGE

"Courage is not limited to the battlefield. The real tests of courage are much quieter. They are the inner tests, like enduring pain when the room is empty or standing alone when you're misunderstood."         Charles Swindoll

So many people were complaining about not having time for this job and that responsibility. It was so bothersome that many were almost immobilized with anxiety. They felt like they just did not have enough energy for anything or anyone. The result was total restraint from accomplishing something.

These individuals believed they did not measure up to others which added more reproach. They believed that if they worked harder or longer or focused more it would make a difference in the outcome.

What actually transpired was they felt defeated. They couldn't keep going and were going to give up any work they had left undone. It was overwhelming and defeating to the point that they couldn't continue. If the truth were told, these individuals placed way too much on their shoulders. They didn't give themselves a break nor did they consider the problems they encountered along their way to success in their endeavors.

It was amazing how on the outside it appeared easy to see that their expectations were high and their considerations to themselves were low. Despite their handicaps they expected more of themselves.

The problem is that we can destroy ourselves in the process because we don't give ourselves any excuses for failure or lateness in achievement. I know it is admirable to take responsibility but expecting the impossible causes destruction of the mind. Even if we can do it physically, at times mentally it can't be done.

On days weeks or months like this we need to step back, see the whole forest and not just the tree. Remind ourselves we can't do the impossible and we do need downtime. Expecting too little of ourselves leads to  boredom and laziness, but expecting too much of ourselves can be physically and mentally crippling. We give excuses to others how about allowing the same kindness to ourselves.

"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." Albert Einstein

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The Secret Of Aging.

'It's one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself." Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars."Khalil Gibran

Unless we die first, we are going to age. The choice then is death or aging. We don't really have a choice. We acquire what happens first. My grandmother always said,"Sure Pam old age is not for the weak or faint hearted." She was right on the mark with those words. One thing about getting older is the contempt youth has for the aged. It is almost as if the aging person lost their mind. How perplexing in a cultured society, to hold old age with such disdain. We practically hide our elderly away. The older people get, the less interactions they have with others. They are perceivable slower in their actions words and thoughts. In our quick society nothing could be worse. The elderly are less valued for their opinions or thoughts. They become the recipient of the jokes and snide remarks. How much lost wisdom and untapped information we disregard. Young workers are valued and rightly should they be. They  are privy to the most up to date knowledge available. Their opinions are appreciated and they are asked to be the presenters of information on many occasions. On the opposite end we have the aging worker who is bypassed for the promotion simply because he is older. That  gray hair and steadier walk give rise to the notion that he is a slacker, slower, not as quick witted and less of a thinker. It's probable he has already thought some things out long ago and arrived at the conclusions his younger colleagues haven't yet thought about. He is composed because he knows that 'Haste Makes Waste' as the saying goes. The older worker is actually more patient because he knows what it is like to have a bad day or have a  bad pain in his leg. He is more tolerant because he has needed others to wait for him to find what he misplaced. He is not as aggressive because he knows in the end that team work is more important than sole honors for a moment of glory. He is more forgiving because throughout his longer life there were times he was in a position to need forgiveness. He has been there done that and is now passing it forward. The older worker is less proud because he is more aware of the numerous people who have out done his best efforts. He is also aware of the number of people along the way who helped him get where he is. He is also less arrogant because he is now more aware of the feelings of  those he has bested.  The younger worker might have tunnel vision whereas the older worker has the whole picture. It doesn't make us better or worse. It simply tells us we should value all people. If we disregard our older population as less of a contributer to society, we sell society and ourselves short. We are an interwoven quilt that is worn on the inside and stronger on the outside. The quilt would not be useful without the inner and outer pieces. The older generation holds us together at the heart while the younger generation moves us forward. We need both. If we had more regard and respect for the older generation we might have less need for nursing homes. As younger people we might learn the value of kindness, tolerance, patience, understanding, respect empathy and forgiveness long before we reach old age.
"Success is not measured by what a person accomplishes, but by the opposition they have encountered, and the courage with which they have maintained the struggle against overwhelming odds." Orison Sweet Marden
"God will not look you over for medals degrees or diplomas but for scars."  Elbert Hubbard

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INFURIATING PEOPLE

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction. Peace cannot be kept by force, it can only be achieved by understanding." Albert Einstein

Being  an observer, I noticed how many of us get fired up about things that are aggravating or upsetting. We tend to dwell on those issues that anger us. The more we think about it and ponder it and discuss it, the stronger the fire gets. It makes us want to correct the problem or so we think. So we lash out at the object of our perceived frustration throwing all of our fire at them. Then we watch them burn to ashes as we walk away. On our way back to sanity we convince ourselves or try to convince ourselves that they deserved it, made us do it. we were in our right to retaliate.

Have you ever noticed that after our storm, we have an uneasiness in our system that won't go away? We review all the things the person did to us in order to justify in our minds that we were correct in our angry actions. We even begin to talk about the person and the incident with others so that we can garner up support groups that agree with us. In the end it doesn't work and the uneasiness won't go away so we confront the object of our anger again because now we blame them for the uncomfortable feelings we are experiencing. It's their fault we got so angry. It's all their blame in the first place. Our actions now color our mood which isn't the happiest. We snap a quick retort at other innocent people.We feel tired and drained, and begin to have a cold or illness coming on. Sleep is restless and the anger and resentment towards our person of hatred increases.

 Does this sound familiar? We have all been in that place at one time or another. Viewing it from a far away place, and a far away time makes us realize it gained us nothing, and cost us a lot of damage to our own bodies. We caused misery for the person we retaliated against. One is left with a smoldering fire that simply won't be distinguished. It almost consumes one's thoughts. I had to ask myself if there was a better way I might have handled the whole situation and anger issue. I talked myself through a different scenario. If I had placed even 10% of the blame on myself, sat down and honestly spoke my feelings clearly and concisely, asked for feedback or a response to my efforts, would it have made a difference? Maybe the person that hurt me was having some deep rooted questions themselves, or going through a difficult time in their lives, or fearful of something that wasn't there. I didn't  stop to think their carelessness or thoughtlessness might not have had as much to do with me as it had to do with their own fears.

One moment of stepping back,  reflecting before reacting, compassion before retribution might have saved both of us a multitude of heartache. None  of us in honesty, is  without some blame. We should  never let a small smoldering fire inside of us, increase to the point of no return. In the end it not only consumes our agitator but also us. If I had simply put out the fire with talk, understanding, acceptance and tolerance, I would not have spent so many sleepless nights of anger and  worry. I would not have had an angry attitude towards everyone I met. Instead I could venture to  say my light of happiness would have burned instead and burned brightly without any pain to myself or others. Even when another does not respond to our overtures of reconciliation, we can keep trying and thus keep peace within ourselves. Keep our own light burning instead of turning it into a blaze that in the end destroys us.
"He who angers you conquers you." Elizabeth Kenny Australian Nurse
"There are two  ways of exerting one's strength: one is pushing down, the other is pulling up." Booker T. Washington
"The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none." Thomas Carlyle

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KEEP GOALS FIRM, DISREGARD DOUBTS

"Without involvement there is no commitment. Mark it down, asterisk it, circle it, underline it. No involvement no commitment." Stephen Covey

Many of us have already set New Year's resolutions. Most of us would agree that we will most likely not achieve them. That is the problem. If you think you can't achieve a goal then you are probably correct. In order to attain anything, we need to believe we can do it. Surprisingly, most things we set our mind on to do, we are capable of doing. Believing we can is the factor. Often the goals are too difficult or unrealistic to achieve immediately or without setbacks along the way. As a result, we release our goals and efforts as soon as we cave. This is a mistake. Nothing great is accomplished the first time trying. Think about the baby steps. Every time we succeeded a bit more than the day before.

Giving up on anything  seals our fate regarding that issue. With a bit more effort maybe our marriage will succeed. Trying harder may help us to have more patience or tolerance. Another attempt at reconciliation with a friend or family member just might be the cure. Refraining from judgement when we slip back on our trials with an addiction, allows us the will and ambition to try again with more vigor. I equate abandoning our goals with coping out. We set our goals, break them and then leave them behind as pointless. this is so sad. We can achieve them with time, patience, effort and above all else forgiveness. When an athlete is attempting to improve his skill or speed he chops away at this problem day after day. There might be times when he observes a backward result but he never loses his or her focus. With each and every trial, what seemed an impossible  task, is accomplished and light is made. It is true that maybe we fall a little short of one hundred percent of our goal but how much further did we take ourselves from the starting point. There is always room for growth.

There will always be people who  will discourage us from our goals. Maybe that's because it places them in the position of facing their own lack of effort. You disturb their peacefulness of stagnation. Every effort great or small needs to begin with our determination  to make a difference and make a change in a situation. We are never disappointed because we will  never end up in the same place we were before the effort. Take the risk, set the goals as lofty as you choose and begin your journey towards your goals. You are looking for small changes that will  eventually evolve into a major change. In all of our goal setting,  we will be proud of our efforts instead of disappointed with our failures. So concentrate on the goal, the efforts, and the small changes. Forget about the time, failures and setbacks. Three steps forward and two steps back still leaves you with one step ahead. You without a doubt can do it. The most difficult challenging and stressful piece of all of this is the start.

"The strongest warriors are these two...time and patience." Leo Tolstoy

"Many of life's failures are people who do not realize how close they  were to success when they gave up." Thomas Edison

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See the Goal

"Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Probably the most discouraging thing is to repeat mistakes. We all have great intentions of kicking a bad habit or behaving in a different way but many times we resort to the familiar response and again regret our transgression. We beat ourselves up about it after and how our  lack of resolve wasn't strong enough. I am also one of those people who tries again and again to do what I think is right but many times I fail. I at times think I should just forget it because I am incapable of changing but then the old conscious kicks in and begs me to try another attempt  which I do. As I reflect over the years on my attempts I realize that some higher power is at work and that my trials have become more difficult. It is at that moment that I realized that the temptations have had an increase of energy. It then occurred to me that maybe as I passed one trial I have had an increase in intensity. Just  maybe with each baby step of choosing the honorable path, I am encouraged to keep going further in order to perfect my responses. Not sure but it appears that way to me. Of course along the route there are numerous failures too numerous to count. What I am  trying to say is maybe just maybe we are all making progress even when we can't see any movement toward the better. It is never about succeeding on the first second or thousandth time. It's about maintaining the effort to keep trying that counts.

If we do not keep attempting then we'll never succeed. A teeny weensy baby step is worth more than no attempt whatsoever. The message is clear to never give up. We totally lose when we do give up. If we have a temper and yell very loudly then the next time we are a tiny bit less loud than the time before, we have made progress. We may still be yelling quite loudly but the knowledge that  we tried is there with us and a reminder that we are aware of our battles. Isn't half the battle the knowledge that we admit our faults (at least some) and begin to challenge ourselves to alter our behaviors? Stop belittling yourselves. Pat yourself on the back every time you put effort into correcting a fault. Rejoice every time your attempts make even the slightest progress. Rejoice even if you attempted. It's not the destination as  much as the ride to it. You become a better person simply because you made the attempt.

"No one is ever beaten, unless he gives up the fight." W. Beran Wolfe

"The best rosebush after all is not that which has the fewest thorns but that which bears the finest roses." Henry Van Dyke

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Avoid Holiday Problems

"People love others not  for what hey are, but for how they make us feel."  Irwin Federman

Hi
Mothers-in-law who encourage any type of competition might possibly find it can influence the closeness of their children. The result may be a competitive relationship amongst their children. Downplaying competitive behavior allows for a more supportive kind of connection to develop. None of us will discuss our  mistakes or trials to another person that we view as a competitor rather than a supporter. We then lose the chance of gaining support and encouragement. Losing  does not always spur a person to try harder. Many times it makes us to recoil and give up. Spending time  with relatives becomes tedious and stressful. If we support one another we are happy to see each other and look forward to helpful discourse. Parents should begin  right from the beginning wih their children to make an effort of refraining from comparisons of  any kind including who walked talked and toilet trained first. After all we are looking for harmony joy and pleasant rewarding and memorable times together as children and adults.


"Constant kindness can accomplish much. As the sun makes ice melt kindness causes misunderstanding, mistrust and hostility to evaporate."  Albert Schweitzer

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Why Things Backfire

Hi
"Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted."
Aldous Huxley

One MIL complained that her once excellent relationship with her DIL was becoming strained.  Her DIL, who had just had a baby, was planning on going back to work immediately. The MIL couldn't understand this because she stated, her DIL had waited and tried for years to get pregnant. She didn't have to work and chose to return. What came of many discussions was that her DIL had a childhood devoid of a father. Her father died suddenly and her mother had to work to make ends meet. They were poor but managed. The young woman never forgot her childhood years and just couldn't bring herself to give up what she considered to be her security. The two agreed to disagree and renewed their relationship. I think there are many points to this story. Many of us judge things without having all of the facts. How we grew up, what we were taught, the barriers we construct as well as our viewpoints, trials, tribulations and differentiations are momentous. Tolerance understanding patience and time breaks down the walls. It produces knowledge which will allow us to accommodate our differences and move forward.
Our judgements and conclusions can be so far from the mark. We all might reach the same end and learn the same lessons but in a variety of ways. The MIL believed and rightly so that being there for her children twenty four seven was a good thing. The DIL believed and rightly so that making sure she and her child would never go hungry was a good thing. It boils down to love. If love enters into our decisions we can't ever be goofing off track. If we are, the love always boomerangs back to us and helps us get things straight.

"If you want to get the best out of a person you must look for the best that is in him." Bernard Haldane

"Three billion people on the face of the earth go to bed hungry every night, but four billion people go to bed every night hungry for a simple word of encouragement and recognition." Cavett Robert

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Build a Positive Proactive Relationship

Strategies for handling the man in the middle begin with recognizing the controversy that manifests from this unintentionally significant relationship. It manifests in jokes smiles laughs ridicules and anger. There is no magic star dust or simple answers to this dilemma. But women can find an emotional equilibrium in their lives so that they both might be able to share the man they both love. When I first became a dil, I resented the constant attacks on my nursing abilities. "The baby is not getting enough food." was spoken to me a thousand times because my mil never nursed. It was frustrating. When I became a mil, I was sad that my dils, never asked for any advice. Being in a different seat in the car has given me an all  around perspective.

"He that cannot forgive others, breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass." Lord Herbert

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