Finding Strength In Solitude

"When nothing seems to help I go and look at a stonecutter hammering away at his rock perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred and first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not that blow that did it but all that had gone before."
 I watched as the man shuffled down the aisle carrying a weight around his waist which professed anxiety to me. He appeared to be quite old until I glimpsed his face and discovered he was maybe at the end of middle-age. He certainly had many more good years to offer but not to his thinking. It seemed apparent he had lost the fight, given up and resolved to sit back and watch others live while he wasted. I had seen him many times before and spoke briefly a few of those moments. In another time he was vibrant, astute and humorous. I felt said watching him. What happened I asked myself. Why the change I reflected. I recalled a few reasons and problems he endured and was saddened at how the flow of life beats us down if it can. Sometimes  the harder we attempt to fight back, the stronger we are forced to the ground and eventually crushed. Wait a minute I thought. Not everyone stays down. Some get back up on their feet not necessarily swinging but definitely smiling. No doubt
it is difficult to keep hope alive in our hearts when life thrashes us at every corner. Many people believe that as soon as they  progress a tiny bit forward one minute, they are pounced on the next minute.  Maybe we should get up and stand taller firmer stronger. When an opponent sees weakness they strike. The only difference between two equally capable athletes is the motivation and belief in themselves that they can do it. Surrendering is accepting defeat and the game is over. As long as one continues to try hope is never dead and the possibilities are always achievable. 
The trick to continuing regardless of outcome is keeping your goal in mind. As long as you have purposes in your life, you have reasons to strive to overcome obstacles. It is like visualizing what you want to see happen. Sometimes we may strive to achieve a goal that makes another person happy. Whatever the reason, when we find a purpose we work and try harder to attain our objective. 
It seems that setting objectives and tasks we must try to complete can help us conquer our objectives and at the same time defeat our loneliness. When we come to the aid of another person we are saving ourselves in the process. It empowers us with worth. We begin to realize we never really became unimportant or inconsequential to life. We simply sat down on the bench and ignored the calls from those on the battlefield of life. When we decided to stand up again to answer a call, we jump-started our drive and made a difference in the life of another. Even the smile we gave to others on any given day, reached out and said, you are someone and you count. 
"Life offers no guarantees... just choices; no certainty... but consequences; no predictable outcomes... just the privilege of pursuit."    Tim Conner

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If You Downplay Expectations, You Decrease Stress

It is a mystery why we expect so much of ourselves. It is awesome to have lofty goals but when we expect to accomplish more than what even two people are capable of accomplishing, it is time to release some of the burden. Our own goals are so much higher than any expectations others have for us. The trouble is we fault ourselves when we fail to meet all of our challenges. We also run the risk of becoming so defeated that we give up and stop any attempts to achieve any goals.  

               We are our own worst enemy. It is time to settle down and accomplish what we can accomplish and let go of what is impossible to do. It is always commendable to work for the highest goal but if we fall short of it we need to promise that we won’t punish ourselves with Self-reproach. Guilt is a great reducer of energy, and self-esteem. Other people in our lives suppose we can solve dilemmas. Our children expect us to endlessly help them and to do it with a smile. It might even be at the loss of our own free time. Parents wait for us to take care of some of their difficulties. Sometimes the timing is all wrong but of course aging parents do not always take that as a good excuse.  Elderly parents have more time on their hands to think about their difficulties and tasks that require attendance. The problem is we are the ones that must pay attention to such complications.

               If we are aware of how much attention we place on the troubles of other people we realize that just maybe we are not so bad. We care about helping others who are struggling. We place the needs of our family and extended family before our own. We are good people. It is not the end of the world to put off a task that appears to be too much for us to handle at the moment. If we approach that same task when we are spilling over with more enthusiasm, we will manage to get it accomplished in record speed. Performing our duties when we are too tired to take them on is asking for trouble. In the end we will use up the little energy we have and most likely perform a shoddy job because we are tired and our heart and mind are not attuned to the task.

               Many times work places pressures on us to accomplish work that may be impossible to complete in the given timeframe. People in charge have no idea the amount of time a particular task might take to complete. Their goal is to badger us into working beyond our time to finish the task as fast as we can. They are happy the task got done while we feel defeated because we didn’t finish in the time allotted. We probably completed the job in record time. We are unaware of this fact so it overshadows our pride in our performance. Again we are stressed and depressed as well as of the opinion we did not meet expectations.

               The more we focus on how little we think we are accomplishing, the less we get done. It is truly up to us to b become aware of our work ethic and be more reasonable with ourselves. We can have a bad, sick or mental health day. If we must put something or someone off until a time in the future so be it. The more we take our duties in stride the more confidence we will have in our abilities and the less scattered we will be.

               The burden of never being good enough can drive a person into a health risk. We can believe we are too stupid to accomplish what is required. Our thoughts turn to if only I were smarter or more educated or had more money or a different job. If we don’t change our attitude then it really doesn’t matter if we are brighter, more educated, and richer or had a better job. The outcome is the same. Changing our attitude along with our expectations allows us more freedom and fewer burdens. If we lose our health, we can’t do anything for anyone. Our goal needs to be to help others yes but within parameters. Expect to do and give our best but have guidelines. Let negative comments from others roll off of our shoulders. Keep our goal in site but rest when we must. Become the boss of ourselves. Give but measure the amount we are capable of giving at any given moment. Throw guilt out the window and never ever doubt yourself. Trust yourself and your inner feelings. In the end you will achieve fulfillment for yourself and others.  

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DEVELOP CONFIDENCE DISCARD FEAR

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

 Many times we allow others to dictate the rules and pass judgment on us. Of course at work our superiors do it all the time. The problem is bosses are not always correct in their conclusions of our work or behavior. Why one boss finds our work very good while another condemns it is frustrating.  It is because like everything else, it is subjective. My idea about how to go about building something will most likely differ from your ideas about a structure.  The person who gets to dictate is the person with more power.  This does not mean they really have a better plan. It simply means they have the control over the rules. When one dictates the procedures, one also dictates the desired result. Even if we follow someone else’s guidelines, there is no guarantee of the outcome. The only guarantee is that we will take the blame if we are not successful. The truth is many people are diminished and insecure because others fault them at work or in any group project or situation. The result is devastating to the person blamed, who begins feeling inadequate about everything they attempt.

                We might think about the child on a sports team who is rarely played, so his job is to warm the bench. He loses precious time to improve his ball skills while the players who get more field time advance impressively. What happens is the athletes playing regularly build their confidence while those players who frequently sit out most of the game, build their self-doubt. At times this can carry over into other areas of their lives. Adults who have trouble getting along with the boss are in the same situation. They can’t seem to get it right or improve whatever their boss is recommending. It would occur to any thinking person that it is not deliberate and the person is attempting to please their boss. After all they don’t want to lose their job. Curiously the insecure person doesn’t know how to get off of the damaging path they are treading.

The person becomes subordinate, has self-doubt and low self-esteem. These feelings add to his or her dilemma. What this person might have attempted before their insecurity fills them with fear. They are already under scrutiny and can’t afford to make any mistakes. They begin doing everything by the rule book without any thoughts of good or bad. In the end they fail totally because the odds have been successfully stacked against them. The sorry part is that they are now diminished as a person and innately feel like a failure. They have lost their self-confidence and desire to try anything new. It carries into all areas of their lives and we now see a depressed person.

At one time this person was relevant and viable and had some self-worth. They felt competent at making decisions. The point is they are still the same person. They simply allowed themselves to be defined as a person, by somebody else. This definition is far removed from who they really are and what they truly are capable of doing. They need to understand this or they will dive into a full blown depression. It is amazing the power one can wield over another without permission. It is astounding that people would hurt another so deeply without a care. If a boss is upset with someone’s work, they might simply get a mentor to intervene. They also might help the person with suggestions in a kind manner. Firing someone or ripping them apart is loathsome. There are other ways to deal with a person that would yield better results, keep their confidence intact and aid the workplace in the process.

Our attitudes, looks, age and personalities unfortunately enter into decisions others make about us. We may not be able to control these matters. What we can control and must control are our own beliefs. Our character is known to us and a higher being. Just because another person ranked higher in the job sphere does not mean they can dictate who or what we are. We must believe in ourselves and our abilities and leave no room for doubt. Having confidence and feeling adequate does not mean we can’t accept criticism and input from others. Even the boss has crossed the line if we feel subordinate, stupid, incapable and immobilized. It really is our choice to refrain from believing this defines us. We are so much more than that. We are so much more than others even know about us. We might have to learn new things but we are capable of learning. Given the correct tools advice and help, we can accomplish much.

If we are uncomfortable in a work situation, we might think about switching areas within a company, switching hours or teams or attempting to find employment elsewhere. We always have choices. We should never feel boxed in. When we believe we have no alternatives, that is the time  we shut down. We might have to look around and search for our answers elsewhere. We might team up with another worker. We should be comfortable asking others for help or we might take a refresher course. What we cannot do is lose our value in our own eyes. All the wonderful things we do, can do and will do are lost if we give up on our-self. One person or one group’s interpretation of what we are is ludicrous. Step back and put the whole scene into focus. Sometimes change is good and might be the right thing to do. We can’t be afraid to step out into the unknown and take the chance. If we reflected we might realize things would not be any worse and they might just be better. Build your self-confidence and trust your own delineation of who you are.

"Don't be afraid to take a big step if needed. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps." Anonymous

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." Dr. Martin Luther King

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THE EFFECTIVENESS OF COMPLIMENTS

"Envy is a symptom of lack of appreciation of our own uniqueness and self-worht. Each of us has something to give that no one else has." Elizabeth O'Connor


A person relishes promising comments and praise of their child or themselves. This helps to create bonds of friendship and goodwill with your siblings-in-law. The end result likely is an ally and a pal you can confide in. Compliments stimulate greater achievement. They also place negativity into the background where it belongs. Seeing a gas tank half full instead of half empty encourages one to continue forward rather than stopping or worse backing up. If we feel better when we hang out with certain people, it makes us want to hang out with them all the more or at the very least we look forward to a sharing time with them. competition is a start to jealousy and envy. If we don't measure up it leaves us angry and or defeated. We might also resent the other person or want to beat them at something. If we thought long and hard about the negative energy it took us to calm down we would skip it I'm sure. The alternative is to let it eat away at our stamina and nerves and contribute to health problems. At times we create our own dilemma. When we get up in  the morning, do we see the same person as the day before? We haven't changed. We are special unique and one of a kind. We have qualities no one else has. We  do things to help others we might not even know that we did. Any interaction with another person might offer more to that person than we will ever find out. If we were not the to wait on them or help them or greet them, they might never have been lifted out of their depressing mood. When we help others we help ourselves. We can all start with out own families and friends. Why make life more difficult by causing more strife. One compliment can carry a person further than a feather dropped from a high building on a windy day. Enjoy the compliments  others give to you and don't be stingy with your compliments.

"In marriage, with children at work, in any association-an ounce of praise of sincere appreciation of some act or attribute can very often do more than a ton of fault-finding. If we look for it we can usually find in even the most unlikely unlikable and incapable person something to commend and encourage. Doubtless it is a human frailty but most of us in the glow of feeling we have pleased
want to do more to please and knowing we have done well want to do better." Anonymous

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