If we want our children to have a close
relationship, we must learn to refrain from comparing them in any way. As soon
as we place them in any kind of a competition, we are chipping away at their
ability to maintain a healthy loving connectedness. When a new baby enters a
household, havoc begins. The older sibling is threatened. After all they had
mom and dad all to themselves. Now they must wait before their needs are met.
Why would they want to embrace this new person arriving on the scene? Parents need
to instruct the child but do not want to yell at them when they attempt to hit
their sibling. You must talk about the new baby explaining how much the baby
and they are loved. Keep an eye on what transpires but allow the resident
sibling chances to view and touch as well as help with the new baby.
Of course aggression
towards the new arrival must be dealt with in a teaching quiet demeanor. The
older sibling is not always attuned to the benefits of having a sibling. At the
moment the baby is seen as an intruder and a rival. If parents can discipline
with kindness the child learns to gradually accept the new baby. If parents
yell or constantly punish the older child, he or she resents the new baby.
As the new individual
grows and is able to interact more with their sibling, the bonds develop. Now
they have a companion in mischief. Parents must now be careful not to blame the
older sibling for all of the wrongdoings even if they initiated most of the
problems. Both children need to be admonished which will register fairness to the
older sibling. Keeping the sibling relationship healthy is important. It also
maintains a better rapport in the parent child relationship. As long as
children understand they are not being replaced or losing the battle they will
openly accept siblings.
There must never be the
competition of who is the nicer child, more appealing or capable child or
dependable child to mom and dad. Parents must attempt to hinder this attitude
with other relatives. A simple reply of, “We don’t compare the kids,” is all
that may be necessary. If children believe their sibling is to be blamed for
their receiving less attention they will resent the new sibling. If the older
sibling is always accused of making trouble, they will retaliate with anger and
aggression.
Parents want to
discipline their children and should. If you discipline with love especially
when it comes to siblings, it allows you to maintain healthy relationships all
around. Your children will support each other rather than compete. They will understand
their parents love is unconditional and not based on their being more lovable
or likable or smarter than their sibling or siblings. Arriving at this state of
affairs brings greater harmony to the home and family as well as keeps feelings
intact.
Our
attitude of fairness and restrictive competition ought to continue. Children
need space to enjoy their own interests. They need the freedom to develop their
true identities without the burden of parents’ wishes and desires. In so doing
they develop skills of all kinds including empathy and love because they have
been taught through their associations with parents and siblings. Rivalry has
deceased from their home environment. Most likely it will appear outside of the
home but they will have support to deal with those challenges.
If
parents nurture winning, they will foster competition and losers. If they
foster life and love they will encourage empathy, empowerment and satisfaction
in their children. Their kids will be more tempted to try new things because
the pressure is off. If they fail at it they can move on to something else with
their egos intact. The legacy we want to endow to our children is one of
acceptance and love. They in turn will offer these attributes to others. We
will have created strong individuals not easily pressured or controlled. The
connectedness of love will be impossible to destroy.
All of us have
experienced growing up in a variety of homes and situations. We may have to
overcome dilemmas we experienced in those environments. We will most likely be
parents one day and the enforcer of the guidelines. It will be up to us to choose
wisely. If we are conflicted with the way our parents chose to raise us, then
we have the opportunity to improve. We shouldn’t toss out blame or accusations
at our parents, but we can improve our game. What an amazing world we will be
creating for ourselves and our children and grandchildren. It really is
something worth thinking about.
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