REPRESSING RAGE BUILDS BRIDGES

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction. Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding." Albert Einstein


 I noticed how many of us get fired up about things that are aggravating or upsetting. We tend to dwell on those issues that anger us. The more we think about it and ponder it and discuss it, the stronger the fire gets. It makes us want to correct the problem or so we think. The way we choose to correct an incident can make a difference in the outcome. If we lash out at the person of our perceived frustration, throwing all of our frustration at them, we escalate the blaze and difficulty. We are left with the options of watching our antagonist burn to ashes or we can walk away.

After the altercation we come back to our sanity and convince ourselves the competitor deserved it and made us do it. Now we attempt to convince ourselves we were justified to retaliate. Have you ever noticed that after our storm, we have uneasiness that won't go away? We review all the things the person did to us in order to justify the correctness of our angry actions. Guilt is what appears to be creeping into our minds and we fight to eliminate it with a deeper examination of past upsets and injustices.  Validating our actions is paramount.

We begin to talk about the person and the incident with others so that we can acquire support and approval for our behaviors. In the end it doesn't work and the restlessness won't cease so we confront the object of our irritation again because now we blame them for the uncomfortable feelings we are having. It's their fault we got so annoyed.  Our actions now color our mood which isn't the happiest. We snap a quick retort at others, feel tired and drained, and begin to have a cold or illness coming on. Sleep is restless and the irritation and resentment towards the person of hatred increases.

 Does this sound familiar? We have all been in that place at one time or another. Viewing it from a faraway place, and a distant time makes us realize it gained us nothing, and cost us an assortment of damage. We feel emotionally and physically drained by our actions. Our opponent is likely experiencing the same feelings. The effect is a smoldering fire that simply won't be distinguished. It almost consumes our thoughts. We might ask if there was a better way we could have handled this whole anger situation.

 By talking through various scenarios, we can reflect on a healthier answer to the circumstances. If we accept 10% of the blame, sit down and honestly share our feelings a more favorable outcome may be attained. When we acquire back and forth feedback that is clear and concise it keeps everyone’s ego intact. It is comforting to know that our opponent is accepting a piece of the guilt regardless of the percentage. It may be unimportant to give ratios if we are attempting compromise and peace.  

We may consider the fact our opponent may have some deep rooted questions, or may be going through a difficult time in their lives. Even if their fear is unfounded, it can be just as immobilizing.  Their carelessness or thoughtlessness might have been their own worries. One moment of stepping back, reflecting before reacting, compassion before retribution might have saved both of us a multitude of heartache. None of us in honesty is without blame. We should never let a small smoldering fire inside of us, increase to the point of no return. In the end it consumes both of us.

By the simple art of discussion, we can put out the fire. With verbal communication we may understand, accept and tolerate transgressions against us. We may eliminate sleepless nights of doubt and worry. We can learn to have a positive open attitude towards everyone we encounter. Even when another does not respond to our overtures of reconciliation, we can keep peace within ourselves.  Rather than allowing fury to burn us into a blaze of ashes we can be a light of comfort for another in their moment of darkness. 

 "He who angers you conquers you." Elizabeth Kenny Australian Nurse
"There are two ways of exerting one's strength: one is pushing down, the other is pulling up." Booker T. Washington
"The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none." Thomas Carlyle

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Toss Negative Effort And Save Positive Time

 “A moment’s insight is sometimes worth a life’s experience.” Oliver Wendell Holmes

“Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.” Albert Einstein

We have such busy lives and busy schedules that we spend very little time thinking before we speak. This of course causes many problems big and small. Our lack of contemplation before uttering words effectively concludes with what I call clean-up. We wind up fixing an assortment of confusion we have made because of our carelessness.

               It takes less time to listen intently when someone voices ideas, opinions, suggestions, criticisms, hurts, feelings or complaints, than to have to chase after the person and have them restate their issue. This is true in every situation involving a verbal interaction. Most of us have our minds set on other things we must do or want to do. Our intellect is just not focused on what the other person is revealing to us. Then we wonder later why we don’t have a clue about what transpired during our interaction with them.

               When husbands and wives are quarreling, it is essential for them to give their full attention to each other. In the end it saves time rather than diminishing  time. Total involvement with the problem at hand, allows us to give our complete ability and effort to work things out. Actually, dealing with one problem or issue at a time is better than contemplating an array of issues. Our mind is clearer and able to focus much better. Our intellect is not cluttered with an abundance of burdens. By listening, a husband and wife will not miss the positive and inviting words of compromise or praise. When we are surface listening we are keying in on the negative words such as ‘you always’, ‘you never’, ‘your fault’, ‘remember when’ and ‘I’ve had it’.

               Most of us have the attitude that I just don’t have time for this. In reality it is the most important thing we ought to make time for. In the end if our problems get resolved quickly, life flows smoothly in other areas. When problems continue to fester and loom on the horizon, other areas of our lives are full of negativity. In any relationship in crises, find the time to reflect and reason with the other person. By making time for the discussion, we are respecting the relationship we have with this other person. If we don’t make time for another, we are patronizing the person’s self-esteem and degrading their relationship with us. Now we have more to contend with.  The most natural result is we are at the receiving end of some pain the other individual sends back to us in retaliation. Reflecting on this for a moment allows us to understand why our differences would escalate from a battle to a war.

               Sometimes difficulties are easy to deal with when we make the time and focused effort. Even when there are more challenging issues, complete exertion and attention to the immediate problem will solve the difficulty a lot faster. Feelings are less apt to get injured because we are sticking with the issues rather than accusing the individual randomly.

Timing is not always perfect but personal problems should be considered an emergency.  In this way they will be dealt with a lot faster. The result will be less confrontation, shorter fighter, less personal attacks, and more intact people when the disagreement is over. Nobody has lost face, lost their self-respect, or been diminished by the episode. In the future the persons involved will be able to deal with disagreements in a shorter period of time. What we need to remember is to pay attention to the other person and consider them worthy enough for us to listen and argue attentively.

“It requires less character to discover the fault of others than to tolerate them.”  J. Petit Sen