Understanding Intention Avoids Confusion

"Love is as necessary to human beings as food  and shelter;but without intelligence love is impotent, and freedom unattainable." Aldous Leonard Huxley

How many times have we quarreled with a friend or family member and repeated the words, "That's not what I mean." We  get so frustrated trying to think of a way to phrase what we wanted or meant to say that we at times lose our train of thought or worse we blurt out words that make it all worse. Trying to take back what we said is not as easy as it is to voice the words originally spoken.

 I would venture to say we have all been in this situation at least once but probably many times. Maybe people enjoy catching us in such a harrowing situation. They at times set us up and enjoy seeing us squirm our way out. Of course the harder we try squirming, the guiltier we appear. It really becomes more aggravating when the other party refuses to give us a break and back off. Instead they continue their shocked and hurt look which adds to our misery, drains our effort, confuses our thinking, and enhances our guilt regardless of the truth. Many times our energy depletes which forces us to give up and accept  our losses. 

Those of us who plod forward step in it so to speak and then wish we had cut our losses. How do we fix such problems? Connections to friends and relatives is important to us. Full of adrenalin due to the encounter, we retreat but our day is ruined and until the other person forgives us for what we didn't do, our life ends up on hold. Personally I think if we venture a call on them our first words might be, "I'm  sorry if you misunderstood what I said. Knowing me so well I assumed you would understand I would never want to deliberately hurt you." Surprisingly if the combative person retorts with "I know, it's okay." You may have to reply with, "It's not okay if you believe a falsehood." 

Otherwise our relative or friend thinks they caught us in some weird truth but they forgave us. I know depending on our disposition, we may cause another argument. If we are prepared we will possibly avoid any traps. In this way our opponent at this current time will be prompted to accept some blame in the situation. We may modify the course of a similar happening for misconception in a future  exchange of words. Thinking like a chess player may save us from an imminent transgression. The key in all of this is to keep your voice calm, your tone non-judgmental and your heart and thoughts sincere. 
 We do have differing states of mind in any given moment and just maybe what is said one day may be totally acceptable by another person but on a separate day that person has an altered reaction. We all experience days of insecurity and sensitivity. refraining from any controversial topic may be the order of the day.  

If we step into the mistake of giving a false impression UNINTENTIONALLY, then patience on that day and possibly a future day may be required. But you need to ask yourself isn't that person worth it in the end? I believe so and that means more time patience and effort but they are worth it and so are we when the roles get reversed which they most likely will.

"The degree of one's emotion varies inversely with one's knowledge of the facts. The less you know the hotter you get." Anonymous

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Avoidance Keeps the Confrontation Going.

 “The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none.” Thomas Carlyle

At various times we have a conflict with a friend or relative. It is common and is usually the result of either person having a bad day. For a variety of reasons we fail to mend the quarrel. The longer it takes us to amend the clash, the worse things get and the more uncomfortable we feel. What began as a disagreement mushrooms into a battle and then war. Neither party wants to confront the opposing foe. Both partners have their pride to maintain and or their determination to prove they are right. The ongoing struggle is enhanced because our next step is avoidance. You would think that avoidance would create a period of reflection and a desire to correct the problems we have with a friend or family member. This is usually not the case. If we do any reflection at all and if we become consciously aware of having any guilt in the matter, we will run away from our opposition in order to maintain our conviction of our innocence. Most likely neither side is without blame. Even if there are degrees of blame, we can still agree to disagree and let an issue dissolve. The majority of the time we choose avoidance which only hurts both of us, continues the hostility, and eats away at our conscience. We might be relaying our innocence to others yet wonders why we cannot sleep at night. Strangely enough, avoidance will promote alienation. Distance dissolves the love we once had and replaces it with  feeling a festering wound. Even if we are beginning to admit to ourselves, our own guilty part to the conflict, we begin to fault the other person for the continuance of the disagreement. We ablosve ourselves of all blame.

Time passes and erodes our strong passions. The episode loses its' glamour and we childish for having been a party to the issues. We avoid the person because we realize it was a stupid argument and we are uncomfortable to have put ourselves in such a situation. It was blown out of proportion.  Apologizing is not a choice because it would be humbling. It would make us appear weak. We are genuinely confused about our desires to fix the problem, without losing face, keeping our pride intact, and gaining back some peace. We are never sure about how it will go if we attempt the first approach. If we get rejected we will feel worse about the whole mess. In the end we back down and miss the opportunity.

By avoiding this person, we don’t have to make any decisions. In avoidance we are decimating a once happy relationship. We are paying a dear price for our pride. We must stop avoiding our opposition.  By being thrown together at work or gatherings, we have the chance to manage and work things out. Most of the time both people involved in the disagreement are sorry.  It is difficult to figure out how to go about making peace. When people are in close quarters, they tend to have more opportunities to fix a broken relationship. The prospects are better and appear to arise without any help. We discover our foe trying to carry a heavy load. Our offer to help washes away a lot of the mud we both slung. We offer a tool or advice to our angry friend.  We both laugh at a joke and find ourselves agreeing with each other. It is easy to repair differences when we are in proximity of the other person. The closer we get to human contact, the easier it gets to resolve the disputes. Suddenly we see our friend or sibling as a person we care about instead of as a stranger. We even wonder how and why the quarrel happened in the first place. We are glad it is finished and we are watchful it doesn't happen again. We go home, feel good and sleep soundly. 

“He that never changes his opinions, never corrects his mistakes and will never be wiser on the morrow than he is today.” Edward Tryon

“Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.” Herbert V. Prochnow  

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