Why Are there Tears?

"Think occasionally of the suffering of which you spare yourself the sight." Albert Schweitzer
Having worked with kids for more than twenty five years, has given me insight into their hearts and thoughts. More than sixty-five percent of the kids in certain classrooms are emotionally abused daily. This abuse occurs from the hands of parents or step parents. When so many children are hurting, it is time to ask ourselves
why. Speaking for the children is important to me. Family life appears to be deteriorating. This has created a domino
effect. To fix society we must fix the schools. To fix the schools we must fix the child’s home environment. It is time to look at this dilemma with new eyes. We can’t fix it with the old way of thinking. Our challenge as parents is to look at the facts. We might promote an aggressive attempt at a new approach. Success comes from the love and nurturing at home. Society can’t reteach or rehabilitate broken children easily, or possibly ever,Against all odds, some children grow up in poor circumstances but rise to become superstars. The difference in their home environments was love, encouragement, and support from their parents, or another caring adult. The power of love has been greatly underestimated. Although we all love our children, demonstrating this with hard work is paramount. This means placing our children’s needs first, constant watchfulness, and guiding them with integrity and righteousness. Stopping the unconscious mistreatment of children is my goal. By stopping some harmful choices we make children improve emotionally and academically. It certainly is worth the determination for all of us to make an effort.
"Each day of our lives we can make deposits into the memory banks of our children." Charles Swindoll

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APPRECIATING HUMANITY

xx"Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted."  Aldous Huxley
I was thinking about how many little things are done for me by others. It made me realize what a great support system I have and how little I have  respected it or was grateful. I didn't want to feel guilty which only sucks energy so I began to mull it over instead. I thought about how many times others call to check on me or my family, or offer to help me do things I can't handle myself. I thought about birthday cards surprise visits and friendly texts or e-mails. When I mention I am having a bad  time at that moment in my life I am surrounded with support. It may not always come exactly the way I planned but it refreshes soothes and turns my day around. The mail person who waits for me to walk to  my box instead of  tossing it in because I am still far down my driveway took the time to acknowledge me as a person. The person in the grocery store who got me another carriage so my bags wouldn't spill out and then got a person from the store to wheel out the second carriage was awesome. Many times I like to get into the bathroom first in the morning and my husband never complains. I  don't stop to thank him or others for the many nice things that are done for me. I say thank you at the time people do something nice but I don't  really think long or deeply about how wonderful the kindness actually was. I know if someone is mean to me I review it and go on and on about it until I am sick of thinking about it. I just wondered why I couldn't savor the kind Acts longer than I agonize over the mean acts. Most people appear to be like me because they do not remember things I did for them yet they will give a noticeable face or remark if I have erred. I  would like someone to explain why we think more about bad things than good things. It seems so ridiculous yet universal. I am beginning to think that it is why we fight with others and cut them out of our lives. It isn't because of the one small thing that they did to us. It is because we didn't remember all the wonderful acts they do that go unnoticed. Even my birds that come to the bird feeder give back more to me than I to them. They allow me into their world for awhile and they teach me about trust. I am so much larger than they yet they land in front of me without fear. They don't forget who I am or what I have done for them. Why do we as a species forget? I don't have the answer unless to say we like to argue and fight. I hope that isn't true but then one must ask how come so many people have problems with so many other people. It has to boil down to simply recalling the thoughtful moments we receive goodness. I need to be more grateful to the core. I need to start trying this today because my mail person just dropped my mail on the ground. I tell myself remember simply remember!
"Write your injuries in the sand and write your  assistances in the cement." Anonymous

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STOP ENVY AND HEAL PAIN CARING FOR OTHERS

"Shallow men believe in luck Strong men believe in cause and effect." Ralph Waldo Emerson

We all experience envy throughout our lifetimes. But even though it may always be present, we can keep envious feelings restrained. All of us struggle to balance our lives. We presume on the surface others have life easier. But all of us struggle. Some hide the labor of their lives better than others and some complain less. The grind is enduring for all. Supporting each other as well as managing the envious tendencies can make life so much easier. Praise and gratitude promote healing for our pain, frustration and envy. Complimenting another actually releases our envy. It can evaporate our insecurities and allow us to see the good qualities in another without making ourselves feel diminished. Our talents are real. We need to recognize them. We don't need to be someone else to gain satisfaction in our lives.

Giving praise to another is simply acknowledging an accomplishment they have been successful with achieving. Many goals others strive to attain may not be anything we are motivated to accomplish. We must think about the price people pay for certain achievements. To be in the Olympics one must forfeit money and time spent with family and friends. Having a job that takes you from loved ones day and night is costly to children. It may provide you with lots of money but little time to guide your children. Gaining more possessions means more duties and gadgets to maintain. On the surface, what we see is not always the complete picture. What we envy may not be what we would ever desire if we realized the cost.

At times another person appears to be superior or have more material wealth or prestige. This person may have more glory honor and money. The question is, why that should matter if we are doing well, making progress and content with our spouse, children, friends and family. If we are not content then we need to elevate our relationships. Put more effort into our interactions and possibly look for a better job or search for the means to promote our education in the desired field.  Maybe we need a simple overhaul in the relationship we have with our spouse who may also be feeling unwanted or underappreciated.

By focusing our attention to the positive details in our existence we may find possessions beyond worth. All of us take so much for granted including the many people navigating through our lives frequently. The vacation lasts a week or two. The new outfit gets old quickly. The new car breaks down as well as the new toys. Even technology falls short of the power of love, empathy and compassion.  Fame is fleeting. Money does not buy love or friendship.  Fortune does not fend off physical or emotional problems.

Support and meaning in our lives comes through our hearts and the love we send out to others. Sending love to others actually increases the love that comes back to us. All of us have the ability and means to increase our love supply on a daily basis. In the end we find that love is all that matters and all that endures.  This love includes the many forms of love beyond the physical. When we realize the importance of love we gain a fundamental understanding of the meaning of life. We would wipe out fear, doubt, envy, anxiety and hatred.  We would replace the negatives with concern for other’s well-being.  That’s the kind of world I would like to experience.
"Happiness is not a when or a where; it can be a here and now. But until you are happy with who you are you will never be happy because of what you have." Zig Ziglar
"Caring about others, running the risk of feeling and leaving an impact on people brings happiness." Rabbi Harold Kushner

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How To Save a Combatting Relationship

“Genius is the ability to reduce the complicated to the simple.” C. W. Ceram

“The life of a winner is the result of an unswerving commitment to a never-ending process of self-completion.” Terry Bradshaw

Avoiding conflict of course is easier said than done. One needs to think about strategies before the conflict. Planning your approaches beforehand is essential to their implementation and success. It is strange how most of us want the discussion with the person we are fighting with, during the heat of the moment. Nothing could be worse. We are all in such a keyed up state of mind that we are not close to wanting any compromise. We are out for proving our argument or seeking revenge. Our mind and body need time to clear, calm down and take a second look when the fire is out.

               If one designs how to arrange and review problems, they are halfway to a solution. Most of the time we are so happy the argument is over we overlook the causes and sweep them under the rug so to speak. The same issues arise again at a future time because we never really handled them in the first place. Now we each throw in a few more irritating things and dig up the old problems. This is not going to make our disagreements any easier. We are multiplying our struggles to the point of breaking our relationships.

               How to disagree can be manageable. When we truly reflect, we admit our own guilt in any situation. This helps us to give position to the other person’s point of view. In doing so, we have broken down a barrier. This takes more courage than to equip ourselves with words for a fight. The other person can grasp our honesty and vulnerability. It is important to arrange a time to discuss issues. It should be when we are ready to compromise and not when we want to prove our viewpoints. When we have a desire to be at peace, the percentage of our being right or wrong is not important. The focus is on a common base.

               In the heat of a battle, we are not prepared to compromise. It is essential to recognize this. We can’t be afraid to broach the problems when our relationship is on track. If we fear facing the problems then our relationship can’t be on solid ground. If it is that fragile then it is even more important to tackle our problems. In the end if we don’t challenge our relationship issues, our connectedness will deteriorate and end. By coping with our differences calmly, we can accommodate each other’s schemata. We may be surprised to find that what we thought was power, control, disrespect and intolerance in our partner, was actually fear, doubt, anxiety and low self-esteem. At this point we can begin to work out the real issues instead of fighting over imagined ones.

               Solving problems is never easy but working on the real problems is simpler than attempting to fix something that isn’t broken. Honesty may be the best policy when we want truth and understanding in our relationship. If we trust the other person then we have confidence they will handle and accept our true characteristics.  If we hide our actual identities then the other person has a more difficult time figuring out how to create a compromise or bond with us. Commitments will be broken because our merger is false in a sense.

Have faith in yourself as a worthy individual. You are likable and lovable. All of us have our own faults which we like to keep hidden. If your flaws are causing a relationship to falter, you don’t want to keep these deficiencies so close. You may attempt to release your inner shortcomings by disclosing them to your partner. Acknowledge each other’s weaknesses and attempt greater closeness through sincerity.

               Peace comes with authenticity, openness, non-judgments, trust, reflection and a letting go of fear. Begin your discussion agreeing to disagree. Assume you will not approve of everything said but agree to listen assimilate and accommodate another’s ideas. You will be closer to a real union as well as a greater expansion of the mind.

“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.” Marcel Proust  

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Never Allow Anger to Overpower Reason

How many times have we began a discussion with someone and ended up in an angry confrontation, or worse, an escalated battle. It happens. Especially when we are tired or simply overburdened, we tend to allow heightened sensitivities to overcome our thought processes. We may want to straighten out a disagreement or confront another about a sticky situation.  Even if we have set the time and place, we still must reflect on what we want to accomplish in this planned argument. We are fooling ourselves by thinking we are trying to resolve the conflict, when we are totally attempting to make our own arguments and win the battle.

               We might have pondered the conflict privately but determined we were not to be blamed. Having our facts ready to toss out and our opinions set, we basically are planning our attack. It is an attack because we are not thinking of compromising or seeing another’s point of view. We are thinking about our own purposes and are preparing for battle. This onslaught sends our opponent reeling. They are on the defensive and dig in their heels and fire off their own facts. The conflict immediately escalates and both sides are out of control. Both parties walk away feeling the other person was unreasonable. We blame them for the continued discord. It is difficult to accept any wrongdoing on our own part. We see another’s faults but rarely view our own. We defend our line of reasoning and shoot down the opponents arguments. How stubborn they appear to be.

               It is so difficult to accept any blame. It is so difficult to admit we are not completely or even remotely correct in our thinking. We are angry and anger takes over. Questioning our anger is the first thing we need to do. By reflecting on why we are so angry at this person and why we must prove them at fault is important in the healing process. To get over this dispute requires thinking, empathy and giving in to a break-down of predisposed ideas we have created. By contemplating we come to realize the other person has some good arguments and main points. By empathizing we enter into an understanding of their feelings and emotional state of mind. By breaking down the barriers we have created we make room for accommodating their new approaches.

                              Exhibiting anger never solves any problem. Anger never encourages an opponent to accept our viewpoint. Sometimes we must allow another to do something in their own way even if we believe they are heading for failure. If one learns from mistakes, it is not failure. In the end we might be pleasantly surprised to find out we were wrong. In order to keep peace, both parties must co-operate and learn how to agree to disagree. It can be simple. We don’t have to choose to make things more difficult. If we want a relationship with this person, we need to allow them to have their own opinions.

Our experiences are different. We bring different schematic to our lives from our childhoods through adulthood. Our tolerance levels are different as well as our personalities. What is unbearable for one person is more than tolerable for another. Our likes, opinions, ideals and goals reflect our own being. Our life lessons are varied and attuned to our being. We can only live our own life, and choose for ourselves. To make peace with anyone else we must respect them and their opinions. Stepping down from our thrones permits us to allow others not only to be wrong but also to be right. In the end what we want is connection and communication. We want a relationship that is intact. To have this requires respect and acceptance. Keep anger from clouding judgment.

               Anger at times is the result of loss of control. Another is challenging our viewpoints or our status. We feel threatened and retaliate. Fury can be jealousy because the object we desire is sharing themselves with others. Rage can be due to changes we are not ready to accept. Anger is a loss of power and influence. Anger can be our own lack of confidence in our ability to be ourselves. When we fear change we get angry. Those we love the most are the ones who anger us the most. We need this other person in order for us to somehow define ourselves. Many times we are dealing with our own inner issues and our uncertainty evolves into a frustration and anger that turns from inward damage to outward destruction. Resolve to solve your inner conflict before it consumes you and spreads outside of yourself. We always have power over ourselves and can always control our own anger if we choose.

               It is okay to let go, whether we are wrong or right. It is admirable to lose an argument, even when we know we are correct. It is alright to display our inadequacies. It is fine to follow once in a while because we don’t always have to lead. It is okay to love someone even from afar because love is free and without barriers. We must remember that by sharing love we have expanded it. We enjoy more support and increased freedom. Love will never be contained and shouldn’t be restricted. It is a better world to spread love than to disperse anger. That will always be a choice. 

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Avoidance Keeps the Confrontation Going.

 “The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none.” Thomas Carlyle

At various times we have a conflict with a friend or relative. It is common and is usually the result of either person having a bad day. For a variety of reasons we fail to mend the quarrel. The longer it takes us to amend the clash, the worse things get and the more uncomfortable we feel. What began as a disagreement mushrooms into a battle and then war. Neither party wants to confront the opposing foe. Both partners have their pride to maintain and or their determination to prove they are right. The ongoing struggle is enhanced because our next step is avoidance. You would think that avoidance would create a period of reflection and a desire to correct the problems we have with a friend or family member. This is usually not the case. If we do any reflection at all and if we become consciously aware of having any guilt in the matter, we will run away from our opposition in order to maintain our conviction of our innocence. Most likely neither side is without blame. Even if there are degrees of blame, we can still agree to disagree and let an issue dissolve. The majority of the time we choose avoidance which only hurts both of us, continues the hostility, and eats away at our conscience. We might be relaying our innocence to others yet wonders why we cannot sleep at night. Strangely enough, avoidance will promote alienation. Distance dissolves the love we once had and replaces it with  feeling a festering wound. Even if we are beginning to admit to ourselves, our own guilty part to the conflict, we begin to fault the other person for the continuance of the disagreement. We ablosve ourselves of all blame.

Time passes and erodes our strong passions. The episode loses its' glamour and we childish for having been a party to the issues. We avoid the person because we realize it was a stupid argument and we are uncomfortable to have put ourselves in such a situation. It was blown out of proportion.  Apologizing is not a choice because it would be humbling. It would make us appear weak. We are genuinely confused about our desires to fix the problem, without losing face, keeping our pride intact, and gaining back some peace. We are never sure about how it will go if we attempt the first approach. If we get rejected we will feel worse about the whole mess. In the end we back down and miss the opportunity.

By avoiding this person, we don’t have to make any decisions. In avoidance we are decimating a once happy relationship. We are paying a dear price for our pride. We must stop avoiding our opposition.  By being thrown together at work or gatherings, we have the chance to manage and work things out. Most of the time both people involved in the disagreement are sorry.  It is difficult to figure out how to go about making peace. When people are in close quarters, they tend to have more opportunities to fix a broken relationship. The prospects are better and appear to arise without any help. We discover our foe trying to carry a heavy load. Our offer to help washes away a lot of the mud we both slung. We offer a tool or advice to our angry friend.  We both laugh at a joke and find ourselves agreeing with each other. It is easy to repair differences when we are in proximity of the other person. The closer we get to human contact, the easier it gets to resolve the disputes. Suddenly we see our friend or sibling as a person we care about instead of as a stranger. We even wonder how and why the quarrel happened in the first place. We are glad it is finished and we are watchful it doesn't happen again. We go home, feel good and sleep soundly. 

“He that never changes his opinions, never corrects his mistakes and will never be wiser on the morrow than he is today.” Edward Tryon

“Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.” Herbert V. Prochnow  

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Release a Burden by Admitting You Were Wrong

“Human beings are perhaps never more frightening than when they are convinced beyond a doubt that they are right.” Laurens Van der

“I am sorry,” are three little words that are very difficult to say. It is kind of a mystery because we are all so quick to say we know we are not always correct and we don’t always do the right thing. We have no problem admitting we have made mistakes in the past yet in the present it is a different story. It is as if we are a different person and unwilling to admit we were wrong to the person in our vicinity. The earth may shatter if those three words are spoken. How many of us will admit we were partially at fault. We manage to do this a lot. It helps us to know that the other person needs to accept a piece of the fault. It allows us to admit our mistakes in the matter. As sorry as a person might be, they will turn the other cheek if their foe will not take any fault in the matter. Their apologies will be short lived and most likely they will be on the attack mode again.

               One wonders if we have a sense of inferiority when having to admit we were wrong. I think it has to do with the fact that we all get hurt when in a disagreement with another. As a result we are trying to justify why we acted the way we did. We can’t admit total blame because we need to make the other person realize what they did to us. It always turns around to our own hurts. We need to be justified in our poor behavior like we had a right to act poorly because we were emotionally injured. Maybe we were totally having a bad day and this other person said or did something that irked us and caused us to remember past injuries or experiences of injuries. The volatile situation takes off. We do not want to appear vulnerable so we accuse attack and practically force another to take some blame. Because most of us are probably guilty of some blame in the matter, we usually accept our share and both parties walk away renewed and absolved of any wrong-doing.

               What is most refreshing and cleansing for the soul is to admit total guilt now and again when we have legitimately caused the problem. It is powerful and actually lifts one’s spirits above what they were. Total acceptance is like baring one’s soul to another and lowering oneself. Somehow in this process the opposite is attained. By lowering oneself to another, you become lifted and more regal. Magic happens because the other person is surprised, impressed and sometimes ends up admiring your courage.  I am not suggesting anyone do this without belief in their own faults and belief in taking the higher road. The results are usually a meltdown of the barriers we create and a more honest and open discussion. The façade is not needed. We do not have to save face. There is no embarrassment to avoid. In such an atmosphere so much more is achieved. Being ourselves is easier, conflict is lessened, listening is heightened, and this reflective experience allows us to understand more and work towards a positive solution. It is never easy to say we are sorry. It is almost impossible to admit we were wrong. But when it happens we are rewarded with such a release of tension and anger, we are usually never sorry we did it.

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INFURIATING PEOPLE

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction. Peace cannot be kept by force, it can only be achieved by understanding." Albert Einstein

Being  an observer, I noticed how many of us get fired up about things that are aggravating or upsetting. We tend to dwell on those issues that anger us. The more we think about it and ponder it and discuss it, the stronger the fire gets. It makes us want to correct the problem or so we think. So we lash out at the object of our perceived frustration throwing all of our fire at them. Then we watch them burn to ashes as we walk away. On our way back to sanity we convince ourselves or try to convince ourselves that they deserved it, made us do it. we were in our right to retaliate.

Have you ever noticed that after our storm, we have an uneasiness in our system that won't go away? We review all the things the person did to us in order to justify in our minds that we were correct in our angry actions. We even begin to talk about the person and the incident with others so that we can garner up support groups that agree with us. In the end it doesn't work and the uneasiness won't go away so we confront the object of our anger again because now we blame them for the uncomfortable feelings we are experiencing. It's their fault we got so angry. It's all their blame in the first place. Our actions now color our mood which isn't the happiest. We snap a quick retort at other innocent people.We feel tired and drained, and begin to have a cold or illness coming on. Sleep is restless and the anger and resentment towards our person of hatred increases.

 Does this sound familiar? We have all been in that place at one time or another. Viewing it from a far away place, and a far away time makes us realize it gained us nothing, and cost us a lot of damage to our own bodies. We caused misery for the person we retaliated against. One is left with a smoldering fire that simply won't be distinguished. It almost consumes one's thoughts. I had to ask myself if there was a better way I might have handled the whole situation and anger issue. I talked myself through a different scenario. If I had placed even 10% of the blame on myself, sat down and honestly spoke my feelings clearly and concisely, asked for feedback or a response to my efforts, would it have made a difference? Maybe the person that hurt me was having some deep rooted questions themselves, or going through a difficult time in their lives, or fearful of something that wasn't there. I didn't  stop to think their carelessness or thoughtlessness might not have had as much to do with me as it had to do with their own fears.

One moment of stepping back,  reflecting before reacting, compassion before retribution might have saved both of us a multitude of heartache. None  of us in honesty, is  without some blame. We should  never let a small smoldering fire inside of us, increase to the point of no return. In the end it not only consumes our agitator but also us. If I had simply put out the fire with talk, understanding, acceptance and tolerance, I would not have spent so many sleepless nights of anger and  worry. I would not have had an angry attitude towards everyone I met. Instead I could venture to  say my light of happiness would have burned instead and burned brightly without any pain to myself or others. Even when another does not respond to our overtures of reconciliation, we can keep trying and thus keep peace within ourselves. Keep our own light burning instead of turning it into a blaze that in the end destroys us.
"He who angers you conquers you." Elizabeth Kenny Australian Nurse
"There are two  ways of exerting one's strength: one is pushing down, the other is pulling up." Booker T. Washington
"The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none." Thomas Carlyle

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