ARE YOU ACQUAINTED WITH THE HAZARDS OF GUILT?

“Why should we think upon things that are lovely? Because thinking determines life. It is a common habit to blame life upon the environment. Environment modifies life but does not govern life. The soul is stronger than its’ surroundings.” William Jam

I have decided to remove the guilt trapped in my mind. I am not sure how I will do it but after it is removed I will attempt to keep it at bay. I hope I don’t feel guilty if I fail. It appears that most of us on any given day can find numerous things to feel guilty about. Some of us even let others pile on the guilt as if we didn’t give ourselves enough to feel guilty about.

Stop allowing your mind to replay situations that transpired. Once you’re caught in such a situation you begin to admonish yourself about what you should have said or done. I do this all the time. Then one is left open for the onslaught of ideas creeping into your mind regarding better actions or words one could have done or said. I begin to believe that I was totally wrong because I didn’t cover all of my bases or didn’t have more thought for the other person. I immediately buy into the notion that others are correct in their horrible assessment of me.

The next time I try harder and correct my previous mistakes but then find myself making other mistakes. I believe I can make people happy, confident relaxed inspired tolerant and patient. Now I ask myself why I thought I was God. I can’t force someone to recognize their positive gifts and be thankful for what they have. I can’t make anyone be in a happy mood even if they alter other people’s moods for the worst. I can’t change someone’s low self-esteem, or confidence level.  I can’t rip jealousy anger or a vengeful attitude from another’s heart.

Basically I can’t control others but I now know I can control myself and my attitude. I can make a difference to others by being myself that’s it. I can model  demonstrate, lend an ear encourage listen and attempt to say and do the things I think another needs. I know it isn’t easy because every person I meet has varying needs. I can only do my best and accept the outcomes. I discovered that by doing this I can get up the next day clear in my thinking and ready to embrace a new day with its’ new challenges.

When I let poor outcomes in the guise of angry looks, remarks or actions influence and infiltrate my mind I am useless to all including myself. I am down an endless road. It leads nowhere. If I overcome my insatiable running thoughts of guilt I allow another’s mood to enter behind my constructed wall. I remain whole alive and well.  I may continue my interest of others and their heartaches or misfortunes without being swallowed by guilt that I could have should have or failed to do more.

We don’t fail when we mean well. We may have made a difference that even the angry person may not have noticed. I must move forward and know I really did my best for the situation at the time, place mindset ability and my knowledge of the dilemma. Who could ask for more? Many people do but I know I am not God and I know God influences my words and actions and I therefore know I attempted to do my utmost to promote a happy situation or an uplifting moment.

In the end we all create our own reality and we can help others and not feel that we failed because we don’t get a total victory which will bring on the guilt.  I will repeat myself and say that if I feel guilty now I know it is because I am allowing it to have power over me so I resist, close my eyes and say “I won’t go there.”

 After all, I also am in charge of creating my own attitude and reality. It is my life and I am in charge of it. I quote a remarkable speaker, musician and writer “Your life can shrink or expand,” Kent Gustavson

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

Toss Negative Effort And Save Positive Time

 “A moment’s insight is sometimes worth a life’s experience.” Oliver Wendell Holmes

“Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.” Albert Einstein

We have such busy lives and busy schedules that we spend very little time thinking before we speak. This of course causes many problems big and small. Our lack of contemplation before uttering words effectively concludes with what I call clean-up. We wind up fixing an assortment of confusion we have made because of our carelessness.

               It takes less time to listen intently when someone voices ideas, opinions, suggestions, criticisms, hurts, feelings or complaints, than to have to chase after the person and have them restate their issue. This is true in every situation involving a verbal interaction. Most of us have our minds set on other things we must do or want to do. Our intellect is just not focused on what the other person is revealing to us. Then we wonder later why we don’t have a clue about what transpired during our interaction with them.

               When husbands and wives are quarreling, it is essential for them to give their full attention to each other. In the end it saves time rather than diminishing  time. Total involvement with the problem at hand, allows us to give our complete ability and effort to work things out. Actually, dealing with one problem or issue at a time is better than contemplating an array of issues. Our mind is clearer and able to focus much better. Our intellect is not cluttered with an abundance of burdens. By listening, a husband and wife will not miss the positive and inviting words of compromise or praise. When we are surface listening we are keying in on the negative words such as ‘you always’, ‘you never’, ‘your fault’, ‘remember when’ and ‘I’ve had it’.

               Most of us have the attitude that I just don’t have time for this. In reality it is the most important thing we ought to make time for. In the end if our problems get resolved quickly, life flows smoothly in other areas. When problems continue to fester and loom on the horizon, other areas of our lives are full of negativity. In any relationship in crises, find the time to reflect and reason with the other person. By making time for the discussion, we are respecting the relationship we have with this other person. If we don’t make time for another, we are patronizing the person’s self-esteem and degrading their relationship with us. Now we have more to contend with.  The most natural result is we are at the receiving end of some pain the other individual sends back to us in retaliation. Reflecting on this for a moment allows us to understand why our differences would escalate from a battle to a war.

               Sometimes difficulties are easy to deal with when we make the time and focused effort. Even when there are more challenging issues, complete exertion and attention to the immediate problem will solve the difficulty a lot faster. Feelings are less apt to get injured because we are sticking with the issues rather than accusing the individual randomly.

Timing is not always perfect but personal problems should be considered an emergency.  In this way they will be dealt with a lot faster. The result will be less confrontation, shorter fighter, less personal attacks, and more intact people when the disagreement is over. Nobody has lost face, lost their self-respect, or been diminished by the episode. In the future the persons involved will be able to deal with disagreements in a shorter period of time. What we need to remember is to pay attention to the other person and consider them worthy enough for us to listen and argue attentively.

“It requires less character to discover the fault of others than to tolerate them.”  J. Petit Sen

Avoidance Keeps the Confrontation Going.

 “The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none.” Thomas Carlyle

At various times we have a conflict with a friend or relative. It is common and is usually the result of either person having a bad day. For a variety of reasons we fail to mend the quarrel. The longer it takes us to amend the clash, the worse things get and the more uncomfortable we feel. What began as a disagreement mushrooms into a battle and then war. Neither party wants to confront the opposing foe. Both partners have their pride to maintain and or their determination to prove they are right. The ongoing struggle is enhanced because our next step is avoidance. You would think that avoidance would create a period of reflection and a desire to correct the problems we have with a friend or family member. This is usually not the case. If we do any reflection at all and if we become consciously aware of having any guilt in the matter, we will run away from our opposition in order to maintain our conviction of our innocence. Most likely neither side is without blame. Even if there are degrees of blame, we can still agree to disagree and let an issue dissolve. The majority of the time we choose avoidance which only hurts both of us, continues the hostility, and eats away at our conscience. We might be relaying our innocence to others yet wonders why we cannot sleep at night. Strangely enough, avoidance will promote alienation. Distance dissolves the love we once had and replaces it with  feeling a festering wound. Even if we are beginning to admit to ourselves, our own guilty part to the conflict, we begin to fault the other person for the continuance of the disagreement. We ablosve ourselves of all blame.

Time passes and erodes our strong passions. The episode loses its' glamour and we childish for having been a party to the issues. We avoid the person because we realize it was a stupid argument and we are uncomfortable to have put ourselves in such a situation. It was blown out of proportion.  Apologizing is not a choice because it would be humbling. It would make us appear weak. We are genuinely confused about our desires to fix the problem, without losing face, keeping our pride intact, and gaining back some peace. We are never sure about how it will go if we attempt the first approach. If we get rejected we will feel worse about the whole mess. In the end we back down and miss the opportunity.

By avoiding this person, we don’t have to make any decisions. In avoidance we are decimating a once happy relationship. We are paying a dear price for our pride. We must stop avoiding our opposition.  By being thrown together at work or gatherings, we have the chance to manage and work things out. Most of the time both people involved in the disagreement are sorry.  It is difficult to figure out how to go about making peace. When people are in close quarters, they tend to have more opportunities to fix a broken relationship. The prospects are better and appear to arise without any help. We discover our foe trying to carry a heavy load. Our offer to help washes away a lot of the mud we both slung. We offer a tool or advice to our angry friend.  We both laugh at a joke and find ourselves agreeing with each other. It is easy to repair differences when we are in proximity of the other person. The closer we get to human contact, the easier it gets to resolve the disputes. Suddenly we see our friend or sibling as a person we care about instead of as a stranger. We even wonder how and why the quarrel happened in the first place. We are glad it is finished and we are watchful it doesn't happen again. We go home, feel good and sleep soundly. 

“He that never changes his opinions, never corrects his mistakes and will never be wiser on the morrow than he is today.” Edward Tryon

“Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.” Herbert V. Prochnow  

Author’s website: www.pamreynolds.me

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me

KEEP GOALS FIRM, DISREGARD DOUBTS

"Without involvement there is no commitment. Mark it down, asterisk it, circle it, underline it. No involvement no commitment." Stephen Covey

Many of us have already set New Year's resolutions. Most of us would agree that we will most likely not achieve them. That is the problem. If you think you can't achieve a goal then you are probably correct. In order to attain anything, we need to believe we can do it. Surprisingly, most things we set our mind on to do, we are capable of doing. Believing we can is the factor. Often the goals are too difficult or unrealistic to achieve immediately or without setbacks along the way. As a result, we release our goals and efforts as soon as we cave. This is a mistake. Nothing great is accomplished the first time trying. Think about the baby steps. Every time we succeeded a bit more than the day before.

Giving up on anything  seals our fate regarding that issue. With a bit more effort maybe our marriage will succeed. Trying harder may help us to have more patience or tolerance. Another attempt at reconciliation with a friend or family member just might be the cure. Refraining from judgement when we slip back on our trials with an addiction, allows us the will and ambition to try again with more vigor. I equate abandoning our goals with coping out. We set our goals, break them and then leave them behind as pointless. this is so sad. We can achieve them with time, patience, effort and above all else forgiveness. When an athlete is attempting to improve his skill or speed he chops away at this problem day after day. There might be times when he observes a backward result but he never loses his or her focus. With each and every trial, what seemed an impossible  task, is accomplished and light is made. It is true that maybe we fall a little short of one hundred percent of our goal but how much further did we take ourselves from the starting point. There is always room for growth.

There will always be people who  will discourage us from our goals. Maybe that's because it places them in the position of facing their own lack of effort. You disturb their peacefulness of stagnation. Every effort great or small needs to begin with our determination  to make a difference and make a change in a situation. We are never disappointed because we will  never end up in the same place we were before the effort. Take the risk, set the goals as lofty as you choose and begin your journey towards your goals. You are looking for small changes that will  eventually evolve into a major change. In all of our goal setting,  we will be proud of our efforts instead of disappointed with our failures. So concentrate on the goal, the efforts, and the small changes. Forget about the time, failures and setbacks. Three steps forward and two steps back still leaves you with one step ahead. You without a doubt can do it. The most difficult challenging and stressful piece of all of this is the start.

"The strongest warriors are these two...time and patience." Leo Tolstoy

"Many of life's failures are people who do not realize how close they  were to success when they gave up." Thomas Edison

Visit my new blog  >>>  blog.pamreynolds.me