ARE YOU ACQUAINTED WITH THE HAZARDS OF GUILT?

“Why should we think upon things that are lovely? Because thinking determines life. It is a common habit to blame life upon the environment. Environment modifies life but does not govern life. The soul is stronger than its’ surroundings.” William Jam

I have decided to remove the guilt trapped in my mind. I am not sure how I will do it but after it is removed I will attempt to keep it at bay. I hope I don’t feel guilty if I fail. It appears that most of us on any given day can find numerous things to feel guilty about. Some of us even let others pile on the guilt as if we didn’t give ourselves enough to feel guilty about.

Stop allowing your mind to replay situations that transpired. Once you’re caught in such a situation you begin to admonish yourself about what you should have said or done. I do this all the time. Then one is left open for the onslaught of ideas creeping into your mind regarding better actions or words one could have done or said. I begin to believe that I was totally wrong because I didn’t cover all of my bases or didn’t have more thought for the other person. I immediately buy into the notion that others are correct in their horrible assessment of me.

The next time I try harder and correct my previous mistakes but then find myself making other mistakes. I believe I can make people happy, confident relaxed inspired tolerant and patient. Now I ask myself why I thought I was God. I can’t force someone to recognize their positive gifts and be thankful for what they have. I can’t make anyone be in a happy mood even if they alter other people’s moods for the worst. I can’t change someone’s low self-esteem, or confidence level.  I can’t rip jealousy anger or a vengeful attitude from another’s heart.

Basically I can’t control others but I now know I can control myself and my attitude. I can make a difference to others by being myself that’s it. I can model  demonstrate, lend an ear encourage listen and attempt to say and do the things I think another needs. I know it isn’t easy because every person I meet has varying needs. I can only do my best and accept the outcomes. I discovered that by doing this I can get up the next day clear in my thinking and ready to embrace a new day with its’ new challenges.

When I let poor outcomes in the guise of angry looks, remarks or actions influence and infiltrate my mind I am useless to all including myself. I am down an endless road. It leads nowhere. If I overcome my insatiable running thoughts of guilt I allow another’s mood to enter behind my constructed wall. I remain whole alive and well.  I may continue my interest of others and their heartaches or misfortunes without being swallowed by guilt that I could have should have or failed to do more.

We don’t fail when we mean well. We may have made a difference that even the angry person may not have noticed. I must move forward and know I really did my best for the situation at the time, place mindset ability and my knowledge of the dilemma. Who could ask for more? Many people do but I know I am not God and I know God influences my words and actions and I therefore know I attempted to do my utmost to promote a happy situation or an uplifting moment.

In the end we all create our own reality and we can help others and not feel that we failed because we don’t get a total victory which will bring on the guilt.  I will repeat myself and say that if I feel guilty now I know it is because I am allowing it to have power over me so I resist, close my eyes and say “I won’t go there.”

 After all, I also am in charge of creating my own attitude and reality. It is my life and I am in charge of it. I quote a remarkable speaker, musician and writer “Your life can shrink or expand,” Kent Gustavson

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LEAVE YOUR EGO AT HOME THEN ENJOY THE PARTY

At Holiday get-togethers we sometimes spend more time worrying about the family we will be interacting with, than the simple pleasure of their company. We are wasting a happy occasion with our non-stop anxieties. Many of these fears are of our own making and actually carry no weight. Other family members who are also attending are probably bringing their own set of worries. All of us are oblivious to each other because we are focusing on our own thoughts about the Holiday. Likely we all feel insecure about ourselves and it registers with fear, anxiety, distrust, and worry. We are not paying the slightest attention to others. We are solely focused on ourselves and our concern of the judgments of others. If we could simply view the Holiday gathering with different eyes we might be able to enjoy the upcoming event. My best to  you with this endeavor. I offer a few of my insights on family bonding.

These are some tips on how to deal with SIL relationships and create a positive culture in your family amongst the siblings and siblings-in-law:

• Competing with your siblings -in-law creates a no-win situation. Being right or wrong is not as important as how well everyone's sense of worth remains intact. Maintain your self-confidence, and be cognizant of the vulnerability in others. Words spoken from the tips of tongues are not profound deliberations.

• Siblings-in-Law as well as siblings compete somewhat, but parents ought to downplay this circumstance. If parents unwittingly encourage this behavior, then it could possibly continue and have an influence on the closeness of siblings. The result may be a competitive relationship amongst their children which follows them into adulthood.

• Siblings-in-law, who choose to misconstrue the mother-in-law's remarks, may get as close to a disaster as anyone could.  This woman is the mother of this young man and she loves him unconditionally, but judgments will proclaim their own erroneous analyses.

• One must be reminded that sometimes we create our own competition. It may not always be the mother-in-law or the sibling-in-law causing it. The mother-in-law or sibling-in-law could become the scapegoat, but they may be innocent.

• Every time a sibling-in-law shares the most recent event in her young child's life does not mean she is boastful. Size is not better. Learning is not intelligence. Athletic ability is not valor. Beauty never denotes inner quality. Why do we fret? We cannot be insecure. Pitting siblings or grandchildren against each other creates animosity and tension.

• A person relishes promising comments and praise of their child. This will also create bonds of friendship with your siblings-in-law. The end result is an ally and a pal you can confide in. Compliments stimulate greater achievement.

• Look for the things you have in common with your siblings-in-law. This will help you to bond with each other. Extend equal acceptance of your nieces or nephews. Refrain from comparing children. They are all unique individuals, with their own talents and personalities.

• Diversity makes life more interesting. With girls, beauty might become another area that causes suffering. Many sisters, as well as sisters-in-law, are compared. How do we decide what beauty, strength or kindness is or is not? Might strength be enduring a childhood illness, accepting rejection by others or rejection from joining a team as well as being the best player on a team? Is strength accepting a job loss without blaming our spouse, enduring the guiding of a difficult child, suffering the loss of a loved one? Our lives are complicated enough and loaded with trials.  Many of us don't recognize our own or the achievements of others. Jealousy creeps in when we believe we are burdened but others have it easier.

• A trace of jealousy may always be present, but it can be kept in restraint. All of us struggle to balance our lives with peace and happiness. We can presume on the surface that others have life easier than we do, but everyone struggles. Some hide the labor better than others do, and some complain less, but the grind is enduring for all. Supporting each other as well as managing the jealous tendencies can make life so much easier.  Remember that praise and gratefulness go a long way in healing pain, frustration, and envy. 

• Families with a culture of competitiveness among adult children will likely foster anger, frustration, and guilt. Be cognizant of the fact that all children in the family can be depended upon to carry out distinct undertakings. Some children are prodigious at inviting their parents for dinner and entertaining them. Other children are present when there is a difficulty. Still others will assume major responsibilities for their parents if the time and need arises. Siblings can't feel they have let their parents down because they didn't do what another sibling did. This will cause disharmony in their sibling relationship.

Would you say you have a good relationship with your SIL? If so, how do you make it work so well?

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A PLACE TO ESCAPE

Has anyone discovered how fast our energy depletes when we are around negative thinking people? At times we may give freely of our advice and listening ear but sometimes we deplete our own resources. We are not always aware of how easily they take our energy. Likewise, we can deplete our own energy when we spend so much time reflecting on the hurts and  insults we received throughout the day. In order to release these harmful thoughts, we must review the positive remarks others have sent our way and drop the negative emotions tied to any words or actions sent our way. I know it always sounds easier than it is to do. Actually by focusing on happier moments of interactions throughout the day we manage to let go of or block out feelings of humiliation or lack of self-worth. It is so difficult for me to let go of these restraining bonds I create with my negative thoughts. They come as a result of the injurious retorts others lash out at me. I reflected on this and realized how much wasted time I was giving to horrible feelings which mean acts had caused. My focus began to turn to more positive thoughts and I suddenly began  to perk up and feel better. My conclusion  was to keep my thoughts on higher subjects, purer ideas and soul boosting happy thoughts. It works  so for those who can't seem to keep out the negative, take my advice and think about happy things, places and people, actions, projects and awe inspiring details. You won't have room for those negative thoughts and they are put to rest. One son told me one time that I didn't always get angry with someone or something because I went to my happy place. I agree and recommend it to everyone.
 The next time someone takes more than their share of your good energy,  advise as best you can and then walk away, change the  subject, or go to your happy place and refresh your own  soul. In the end you will increase your energy. All of us at times need a boost in our resources but we should never take all of it from another. Let insults roll off of your back and they won't get stuck to you. Let negative thoughts of another dwindle and you will be flowing with enthusiasm. Look for the good in people and dismiss what you don't like in them. We are all such a mixture and more jumbled on any given day.Our moods are ours to control. As my son says "Mom just goes to her happy place." I reply, "You're welcome to come."

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HOLIDAY LOVE FROM A Child

If one searches for the word nurturing in a dictionary it means things like cherish, support, care for, look after, and take care of.  

Bringing up children goes beyond our wildest thoughts about what parenthood means. If the funds are low it is essential to find ways to make save and use our income frugally. Competing for our children’s love by purchasing toys is never a good solution for any parent. Toys should never be used manipulatively as a way to apologize for our anger or obtain our children’s love or attention. Our children’s love cannot be bought.

 The gift of time should never be underestimated. When children look back on their childhood, they remember how they spent their time with us not what prizes we gave to them.

 Counting our physical presence in the home with the child is not meaningful time. At breakfast answer a child’s questions but admit it when you do not have the answers. Sending them into another room or handing them a toy to play with is not an answer. We are dismissing them.

After school children have a hundred thoughts running through their heads about the day’s events. They need to release these streams of consciousness. Encourage them to talk. We will become privy to a bullying situation, school work problem, friendship issue, fighting incident, fear or anxiety problem that shamed them, fears of insecurity, worthlessness, hopelessness and helplessness to name a few. It is kind of like how we encounter many of our own days. How awesome for a child to realize that mom or dad face the same things each day and understand how they feel.

Ignoring our children because we have had a bad day or we are tired, enhances our child’s frustrations. They must wait until we are feeling good about ourselves. This compounds their difficulties and encourages our children to turn to others in their need.

Listening to the happy stories they want to express is as important as hearing their tribulations. Children want their parents to be proud of them. They do not always think that we are, especially when we spend a lot of time criticizing them, or putting them off.

It is essential to listen to our child’s story even if it is time spent with the other parent.

VIGNETTE

“Sometimes the people whom we've known for only a short amount of time have a bigger impact on us than those we've known forever.” Maya Angelou

One young girl and boy were very good friends. The young girl, named Tanya was extremely efficient and confident and always willing to speak for another child. The boy, named Tom, was rather quiet and reserved. At school Tanya spoke for Tom most of the time with Tom’s permission. Although Tanya was always efficient in all areas of her school life, she was unaware of her own body’s needs.

Tanya was burdened with a mother in jail and a father without a job. Tanya’s father attempted to get a job but was defeated with every attempt. It often appeared that Tanya was taking care of him instead of the other way around. Although the teacher had to admit he tried and he did love Tanya very much.

One day when Tom and Tanya were working together on a project at school, the teacher overheard them talking. “Tanya, how come you always smell bad?” asked Tom innocently. Tanya wide eyed and muddled answered, “I don’t know Tom.” The next day Tanya came to school with clean clothes and a freshly scrubbed body. She smiled at Tom who always smiled back in return. Nothing was said but a tremendous amount of knowledge had transpired between them.  

Tom received the help most of the time in any given situation. Intuitively, on that particular day, Tom was the giver of aid. He will never know what a tremendous gift he .gave to his young friend Tanya. Before the Holiday break at school, Tanya came into the classroom with a crumpled brown bag decorated in many colors. It was folded down and sealed with a crinkled piece of tape which was also holding a small candy cane. She immediately gave it to Tom whose entire face lit up with the surprise. Inside was a small car which Tom turned over and over in his hands. “I got it from my cereal box,” she explained. Tom flung his arms around Tanya and screeched, “You are the bestest friend anyone could ever have.” Tanya looked as happy as Tom. The power of love subdued the class and filled the teacher’s eyes with tears. We may never know how much warmth and love we have given another by a simple gesture of thought and kindness. The ripples from such an act infinitely spread throughout eternity. 

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ARROGANCE ALWAYS SUCCUMBS TO HUMILITY

"The one-a-day  vitamin for the soul is helping another  person." Stephen Post
The other day someone asked me about my definition of humility. That was tough. I thought and thought  for days and  kept trying to come up with something that made sense to me. I know what it isn't but it is hard to describe what it is. When you get a compliment don't say I never really do look this good, or this dress has been hanging in  my closet for twenty years. That is not humility as some of us might think. It almost seems the opposite. A simple thank you is enough. At times people really do mean it and other times they want to be nice so either way it is a complement. Humility is not taking the last piece or end piece or constantly letting others take our place. That is more of a martyr type. People notice martyrs but they don't notice someone who is humble. I had the notion a humble person was a wilting flower. To the contrary I discovered a person of humility has learned to let go be themselves having a quiet confidence and  understanding that in the end winning and losing doesn't count. Life is truly simple when we peel all of the layers back. Life is about lessons of the heart. When we are not forgiven we learn how important forgiveness is. When we have felt inferior we learn the importance or respecting everyone's individuality. We are basically on the road to humility. In life there are never any winners, losers, superiors or inferiors. We can feel that way ourselves or allow others to  make us feel that way. Taking control of ourselves and our own lives is about confidence and humility. We are safe in the knowledge that we are learning with the heart and open to the vibrational feelings of others and ourselves. At that point we come to terms with everyone's feelings of inadequacy. Humility is a step above those feelings because when you are humble you are flaunting respect for everyone's journey and are willing to boost all that you can along the way as well as accepting of the help from others. That is my take of humility. The will to trek towards a greater awareness beyond what we see.
"Today see if you can stretch your heart and expand your love so that it touches not only those to whom you can give it easily but also to those who need it so much." Daphne Rose Kingma

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THE POWER OF PRAYER

"Life's not about waiting for the storms to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain." BJ Gallagher/Mac Anderson

 I have been extremely busy with fear and worry. My daughter whose sons were one and two at the  time, was diagnosed with breast cancer. She is doing fantastic now and will finish her infusions in May. She will have her reconstruction soon. She  and I and the rest of the family are embracing a full recovery and we attribute it to God and the power of prayer. As much as we all like to think of prayer as  hocus pocus, I have come to a full circle with God. I now know he is here walking beside me every step of the way. I am enlightened to be aware of his presence and glory and power. I believe in miracles and I thank God for my miracle. It has been a long grind which is hard to explain to anyone. It has been over a year since the nightmare began and it is only recently I have been able to say my daughter's name in the same sentence as the disease without a total meltdown.

All of us have someone we know in a similar situation. some are better and some are worse. It is really hard to put a measurement on love so I won't try. I don't blame those who run away from it or try to hide and ignore  it because after all if it were something contagious we would all be hiding. Nobody wants it to enter their lives in any  way or form. It entered mine a few times along  my life's way with two aunts, my sister, my mother-in-law brother cousins and friends. When it came to my daughter I was devastated to say the least. Somehow our kids are an extension of us and the better part of us. We spend a lifetime protecting them nurturing them even when they don't need it anymore. It is natural that their hurt is ours. At those times I felt like a ticking bomb waiting to explode as my silent tears dribbled down my cheeks hidden by glasses. I prayed to  God for her total recovery.

My daughter and I survived with God's help but the fear remains and I try to keep it at bay but sometimes it creeps in and on those days I pray. For those who don't understand that's  okay it is impossible to understand because your mind doesn't want to go  on that route for fear of jinxing yourself. It is okay, just about all of us would do the same in similar situations. It is good to attempt to be a comfort to those who need it. I know the number of angels who came to my daughter's support and thus to mine were angels in my book. Their efforts of time meals flowers and visits will never be underestimated.

 I know we can't always pay back to those who helped us but we can all pay it forward which my daughter has already started to do. Being a light for each other is what god wants. I know this in my heart. He doesn't want us to live in  fear and I am working on that one as is my daughter. Fear immobilizes and cripples the  present. We worry about things that may never come to pass. I know that I will have a strong faith when I can let go of my fears, give them to God and trust that all is well. If we let go and let God as I heard one person put it, we will be calm enough to do his work. It has been a roller coaster ride with so many turns up and down that it is hard to attempt to recall the explosiveness of the downs. We both came out of it with a deeper connection to God. You get refined when you walk through the fire. I ask for prayers for my daughter that she may raise her children and live a long life. When anyone asks "Can I do anything?" I always reply, "Please pray for my daughter." The power of prayer is a miracle.
"Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world."
May God Bless all of you. My Best
pam

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SUSTAINING APPRECIATION BEYOND THE MOMENT

“Acts of love are what will bring peace to your life and to the world.” Dr. Lee Scampolsky

Whenever another person does something for me, it fills my spirit with thanks and total appreciation for them in my life. The problem for me and I am sure for most people is to maintain that appreciation past the thankful moment. When we are sick we call on a friend or family member and they come running to help us. When we are feeling better we don’t think as much about them. I know we will help them in return if they need us but the focus of their kind acts shifts to the background of our lives.

When our car breaks down, our pets need to be looked after while we are on vacation, we need a babysitter, cheering up, help in a desperate time of need, someone comes to our aid. Fast forward to a future time and place. The person who has helped us out numerous times suddenly says or does something we don’t like. Now we forget immediately, all the times they were there for us. We get angry and hurt and we lash out and dismiss them with nothing more than a blink of the eye.

If this is something you have done or experienced, you are in the majority group. You go home and try to understand what just happened to you. Maybe they don’t recall your generous time effort and money but you certainly do and you can’t believe how fast they turned on you. I have been at the receiving end of such situations and pondered the numerous things I had done for this person and I found it hard to believe they didn’t count my many offerings of love and generosity of time and money.

Recently I was on the other side of the situation. A good friend infuriated me and I lashed out without thinking. It didn’t escalate but I went home upset and then refused to answer her phone calls or e-mails. For days I reviewed what she had done to me and my fire was fueled. I eventually answered her calls and we talked about things unrelated to our problem. Our relationship was somewhat back on track but I had the feeling it could never be the same.

Then I needed help and the first person I thought of was my friend. I felt uneasy about it but I asked and she answered immediately. After the incident I sat reflecting on what had just transpired. My friend was my friend regardless of our recent strained issues. She came through just as she had always come through for me. I then recalled how many times I came through for those who had tossed me aside. I asked myself why we get up and go back for more.

It occurred to me that the reason was love. When you love someone you put aside petty disagreements and take care of their needs. The arguments wait for another day. Enlightenment happened at that precise moment. I began contemplating all the wonderful times my friend and I had shared. I recalled the multiple times she was at my side when I needed her to be. I began to feel guilty about the problems between us and felt like I had created a mountain out of a mole hill.

You see, all the caring acts of kindness create the huge mountain of love. The few acts of meanness create  the small mountain which we can either jump over or climb easily to the other side. I was so focused on the few hurtful incidences and I reviewed them constantly in my mind. I understood how little I had thought about the kind acts of service which she had performed on a regular basis. As soon as the favor was completed, it was out of my mind.

I resolved that day to remember the wonderful things people do for me. I refuse to allow them to go unnoticed. I don’t want to forget the glowing feeling I experienced when these favors were done for me. So when the day comes, as it always does in any relationship, that my friend or relative annoys me or worse, I will be armed to fight the negative thoughts with the remembrance of the good she or he has shown to me.  

Now I am actually applying it to all areas of my life and have a more positive approach to people in general. Sometimes we don’t want others to forget all the things they did wrong at our expense. In retrospect, we forget to remember and sustain the memories of all the things they did and said that were right for us. This is similar to the way we teach our child that we dislike what they did but we still love them. If we can sustain and appreciate love, beyond the moment, we will keep our friends and family close. For Everyone’s information, my friend and I are completely on track without any scratches or scars.

“You can give without loving but you can never love without giving.” Robert Louis Stevenson

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” Mark Twain

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FIND SERENITY IN THE MORAL STRUGGLE

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex and more violent. It takes a touch of genius and a lot of courage to move in the opposite  direction." Albert Einstein

We all have varying degrees of flexibility. As children, most of us exhibit lots of flexibility. As soon as a friend calls we are out the door. Growth and maturity appears to dampen our willingness to bend or stretch in different ways. If we think about this situation, we realize the sadness of our plight. We may be free in body but our minds and thinking become more and more enslaved until we perform our duties ritualistically.

We must call our parents, water the plants, clean the house, get a recipe for dinner that will impress our friends, find the right clothes for the right look etc. In all of this commotion have we thought what we are doing and if we are truly living or simply surviving? Reflect on how much love is given to us unconditionally by our parents. Ponder the living plants and the awesome beauty they bestow on us. House cleaning is overrated as much as connecting with people are underrated. Fabulous meals have more to do with the companionship we have with those who share the meal with us.

 Duty and ego have replaced love and affection. When we visit others we look back and recall the great conversations and spirited mood we enjoyed with them. We don’t even think about the manicured yard or neatly picked up house. Maybe it is time to reflect on our inner human focus rather than the outer peripheral nonsense. We would most likely save ourselves time and money.

We all love artistic beauty but not at the expense of the beauty we find in each other. Less time spent on silly jobs leaves us with more energy to give to the important things in life. Our priorities perhaps are messed up at the moment. As children we knew what counted. As adults we get lost. If we keep cluttering our minds with jobs that are really unimportant, we will miss doing what counts.

It is more important to spend time talking to your child than it is to mow your lawn. I watched two dads in two situations dealing with their children while they were working in the yard. Both children were two years old at the time. One dad screamed at his toddler for digging in an area where he had recently planted some gorgeous flowers. The child went screaming and crying alone, into a corner of the yard. I wondered as I observed, what had he just taught his child.

Another father in an adjacent lot had finished planting a row of various colored flowers. He stopped to take a long drink of water when his young son was standing in front of him with a fistful of flowers. They were a beautiful bouquet. His young son said as he shoved the flowers into his father’s hands, “I love you da”. I watched for the dad’s reaction. He was surprised when he realized they were the newly purchased and just planted flowers. The dad immediately scooped his son into his arms and hugged him tightly as he said “I love you too and thanks for the flowers.” Somehow I believe those flowers meant so much more in the dad’s mind and heart than they could ever mean to any observer who chanced to walk by them growing in the ground.

Children are a gift from God. Love them and tell them so every day. Recognize your obligation to them by respecting and nurturing them. If you are rough in your speech, or actions towards them especially regarding discipline, rethink and alter your behaviors and habits. Children can teach us to be spontaneous and how to recapture our love of living. They remind us to be flexible because when we are flexible our disappointment and anger decreases while our love and awareness increases.

"Blessed are the hearts that can bend. They shall never be broken." Albert Camus

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We All Need Space

“Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.” John Wooden

Needing space is not always about the living area. At times we need a break from certain people. We may love them and care about them but we need a break from them. By recognizing this important fact, we can keep a distance when necessary and not only maintain a relationship but have no guilt. When we attend to others we have a feeling of duty to be at their disposal. Maybe this is feasible some of the time. It is impossible to achieve all of the time. Admitting our own needs and responsibilities may alleviate the anxious feelings we have when we can’t always solve other people’s problems. Having empathy does not mean we can’t say no. At times we must say no at least for that moment. At a later date we may be able to fulfill another’s need but not at the present time.

We all feel overwhelmed with duty. Our thoughts say if you love this person you will find the time or find a way to help them with a difficulty. The end result is a total depletion of our own energy and spirit. This is not good. We need to maintain our own spirits in order to be of service to others. Maybe if we admitted we couldn’t take on a duty, it might be helpful to the person if they were required to do it for themselves. They may need to be able to gain confidence in their own ability. We may be completely unaware that we are creating a dependency. Even our elderly parents must acknowledge that our lives are important and deserve attention. I am not suggesting neglect but pacing. 

I don’t believe others are aware of the burdens they place on us. At the same time it is up to us to be alert to what we can and can’t do. By all means help others right away if it is within your power and you are up to the challenge. If your energy level is already diminished then refrain from making any more commitments. Unless your family or friend is in crisis mode, save the job for another day or allow them to garner help from another person.

The guilt of not being able to be at the disposal for another individual can overtake our logic and reason. Some of us believe we will not be loved if we don’t accommodate others whenever they ask. We can’t win love in this way. Our spouses, parents, siblings, friends and co-workers should step back and expect to compromise. The options might be a later date for the job to be performed or maybe the hiring of another person to do the job. Our bodies and minds need time to adjust and settle down after a long day. It may be a perfect time for the person requesting aid but a less than perfect time for us to accomplish the task.

We can’t feel guilty when we say no to requests. Dismiss any thoughts that the person in need will stop caring for us because we replied in the negative. A doormat gets used up quickly and tossed in the rubbish. When it begins to fray and spreads bristles, out it goes. Likewise we will also stretch bend and break. At that point we will be angry bitter exhausted and vengeful. This holds true for any relationship that is demanding and without empathy. Who cares if the rubbish or light bulb waits an extra week? The multitudes of tasks we deem so important are really irrelevant in the scheme of life. It seems more reasonable to ask another to visit for coffee and a chat. Release burdens others have created for you.

Being a people pleaser has more to do with our need for keeping love and maintaining a relationship.   Even when we have no stamina left we attempt to please others when asked. We want the approval even at the price of our own welfare. Neither guilt nor ego should prod us into wearing ourselves thin. It is important to maintain our mind and body. We don’t have to be constantly manipulated by others. It is wonderful to be kind helpful and caring but we can’t forsake our own needs. In order to be a contributing compassionate person, we can help others when possible within reason and without ulterior motives. Leave our guilt and duty behind and when we need rest simply say maybe later.

“I am thankful for a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home… I am thankful for the piles of laundry and ironing because it means my loved ones are nearby.” Nancie J. Carmody

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REPRESSING RAGE BUILDS BRIDGES

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction. Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding." Albert Einstein


 I noticed how many of us get fired up about things that are aggravating or upsetting. We tend to dwell on those issues that anger us. The more we think about it and ponder it and discuss it, the stronger the fire gets. It makes us want to correct the problem or so we think. The way we choose to correct an incident can make a difference in the outcome. If we lash out at the person of our perceived frustration, throwing all of our frustration at them, we escalate the blaze and difficulty. We are left with the options of watching our antagonist burn to ashes or we can walk away.

After the altercation we come back to our sanity and convince ourselves the competitor deserved it and made us do it. Now we attempt to convince ourselves we were justified to retaliate. Have you ever noticed that after our storm, we have uneasiness that won't go away? We review all the things the person did to us in order to justify the correctness of our angry actions. Guilt is what appears to be creeping into our minds and we fight to eliminate it with a deeper examination of past upsets and injustices.  Validating our actions is paramount.

We begin to talk about the person and the incident with others so that we can acquire support and approval for our behaviors. In the end it doesn't work and the restlessness won't cease so we confront the object of our irritation again because now we blame them for the uncomfortable feelings we are having. It's their fault we got so annoyed.  Our actions now color our mood which isn't the happiest. We snap a quick retort at others, feel tired and drained, and begin to have a cold or illness coming on. Sleep is restless and the irritation and resentment towards the person of hatred increases.

 Does this sound familiar? We have all been in that place at one time or another. Viewing it from a faraway place, and a distant time makes us realize it gained us nothing, and cost us an assortment of damage. We feel emotionally and physically drained by our actions. Our opponent is likely experiencing the same feelings. The effect is a smoldering fire that simply won't be distinguished. It almost consumes our thoughts. We might ask if there was a better way we could have handled this whole anger situation.

 By talking through various scenarios, we can reflect on a healthier answer to the circumstances. If we accept 10% of the blame, sit down and honestly share our feelings a more favorable outcome may be attained. When we acquire back and forth feedback that is clear and concise it keeps everyone’s ego intact. It is comforting to know that our opponent is accepting a piece of the guilt regardless of the percentage. It may be unimportant to give ratios if we are attempting compromise and peace.  

We may consider the fact our opponent may have some deep rooted questions, or may be going through a difficult time in their lives. Even if their fear is unfounded, it can be just as immobilizing.  Their carelessness or thoughtlessness might have been their own worries. One moment of stepping back, reflecting before reacting, compassion before retribution might have saved both of us a multitude of heartache. None of us in honesty is without blame. We should never let a small smoldering fire inside of us, increase to the point of no return. In the end it consumes both of us.

By the simple art of discussion, we can put out the fire. With verbal communication we may understand, accept and tolerate transgressions against us. We may eliminate sleepless nights of doubt and worry. We can learn to have a positive open attitude towards everyone we encounter. Even when another does not respond to our overtures of reconciliation, we can keep peace within ourselves.  Rather than allowing fury to burn us into a blaze of ashes we can be a light of comfort for another in their moment of darkness. 

 "He who angers you conquers you." Elizabeth Kenny Australian Nurse
"There are two ways of exerting one's strength: one is pushing down, the other is pulling up." Booker T. Washington
"The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none." Thomas Carlyle

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STOP ENVY AND HEAL PAIN CARING FOR OTHERS

"Shallow men believe in luck Strong men believe in cause and effect." Ralph Waldo Emerson

We all experience envy throughout our lifetimes. But even though it may always be present, we can keep envious feelings restrained. All of us struggle to balance our lives. We presume on the surface others have life easier. But all of us struggle. Some hide the labor of their lives better than others and some complain less. The grind is enduring for all. Supporting each other as well as managing the envious tendencies can make life so much easier. Praise and gratitude promote healing for our pain, frustration and envy. Complimenting another actually releases our envy. It can evaporate our insecurities and allow us to see the good qualities in another without making ourselves feel diminished. Our talents are real. We need to recognize them. We don't need to be someone else to gain satisfaction in our lives.

Giving praise to another is simply acknowledging an accomplishment they have been successful with achieving. Many goals others strive to attain may not be anything we are motivated to accomplish. We must think about the price people pay for certain achievements. To be in the Olympics one must forfeit money and time spent with family and friends. Having a job that takes you from loved ones day and night is costly to children. It may provide you with lots of money but little time to guide your children. Gaining more possessions means more duties and gadgets to maintain. On the surface, what we see is not always the complete picture. What we envy may not be what we would ever desire if we realized the cost.

At times another person appears to be superior or have more material wealth or prestige. This person may have more glory honor and money. The question is, why that should matter if we are doing well, making progress and content with our spouse, children, friends and family. If we are not content then we need to elevate our relationships. Put more effort into our interactions and possibly look for a better job or search for the means to promote our education in the desired field.  Maybe we need a simple overhaul in the relationship we have with our spouse who may also be feeling unwanted or underappreciated.

By focusing our attention to the positive details in our existence we may find possessions beyond worth. All of us take so much for granted including the many people navigating through our lives frequently. The vacation lasts a week or two. The new outfit gets old quickly. The new car breaks down as well as the new toys. Even technology falls short of the power of love, empathy and compassion.  Fame is fleeting. Money does not buy love or friendship.  Fortune does not fend off physical or emotional problems.

Support and meaning in our lives comes through our hearts and the love we send out to others. Sending love to others actually increases the love that comes back to us. All of us have the ability and means to increase our love supply on a daily basis. In the end we find that love is all that matters and all that endures.  This love includes the many forms of love beyond the physical. When we realize the importance of love we gain a fundamental understanding of the meaning of life. We would wipe out fear, doubt, envy, anxiety and hatred.  We would replace the negatives with concern for other’s well-being.  That’s the kind of world I would like to experience.
"Happiness is not a when or a where; it can be a here and now. But until you are happy with who you are you will never be happy because of what you have." Zig Ziglar
"Caring about others, running the risk of feeling and leaving an impact on people brings happiness." Rabbi Harold Kushner

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Sibling Rivalry Something Worth Thinking About

If we want our children to have a close relationship, we must learn to refrain from comparing them in any way. As soon as we place them in any kind of a competition, we are chipping away at their ability to maintain a healthy loving connectedness. When a new baby enters a household, havoc begins. The older sibling is threatened. After all they had mom and dad all to themselves. Now they must wait before their needs are met. Why would they want to embrace this new person arriving on the scene? Parents need to instruct the child but do not want to yell at them when they attempt to hit their sibling. You must talk about the new baby explaining how much the baby and they are loved. Keep an eye on what transpires but allow the resident sibling chances to view and touch as well as help with the new baby.

Of course aggression towards the new arrival must be dealt with in a teaching quiet demeanor. The older sibling is not always attuned to the benefits of having a sibling. At the moment the baby is seen as an intruder and a rival. If parents can discipline with kindness the child learns to gradually accept the new baby. If parents yell or constantly punish the older child, he or she resents the new baby.

As the new individual grows and is able to interact more with their sibling, the bonds develop. Now they have a companion in mischief. Parents must now be careful not to blame the older sibling for all of the wrongdoings even if they initiated most of the problems. Both children need to be admonished which will register fairness to the older sibling. Keeping the sibling relationship healthy is important. It also maintains a better rapport in the parent child relationship. As long as children understand they are not being replaced or losing the battle they will openly accept siblings.

There must never be the competition of who is the nicer child, more appealing or capable child or dependable child to mom and dad. Parents must attempt to hinder this attitude with other relatives. A simple reply of, “We don’t compare the kids,” is all that may be necessary. If children believe their sibling is to be blamed for their receiving less attention they will resent the new sibling. If the older sibling is always accused of making trouble, they will retaliate with anger and aggression.

Parents want to discipline their children and should. If you discipline with love especially when it comes to siblings, it allows you to maintain healthy relationships all around. Your children will support each other rather than compete. They will understand their parents love is unconditional and not based on their being more lovable or likable or smarter than their sibling or siblings. Arriving at this state of affairs brings greater harmony to the home and family as well as keeps feelings intact.

            Our attitude of fairness and restrictive competition ought to continue. Children need space to enjoy their own interests. They need the freedom to develop their true identities without the burden of parents’ wishes and desires. In so doing they develop skills of all kinds including empathy and love because they have been taught through their associations with parents and siblings. Rivalry has deceased from their home environment. Most likely it will appear outside of the home but they will have support to deal with those challenges.

            If parents nurture winning, they will foster competition and losers. If they foster life and love they will encourage empathy, empowerment and satisfaction in their children. Their kids will be more tempted to try new things because the pressure is off. If they fail at it they can move on to something else with their egos intact. The legacy we want to endow to our children is one of acceptance and love. They in turn will offer these attributes to others. We will have created strong individuals not easily pressured or controlled. The connectedness of love will be impossible to destroy.

All of us have experienced growing up in a variety of homes and situations. We may have to overcome dilemmas we experienced in those environments. We will most likely be parents one day and the enforcer of the guidelines. It will be up to us to choose wisely. If we are conflicted with the way our parents chose to raise us, then we have the opportunity to improve. We shouldn’t toss out blame or accusations at our parents, but we can improve our game. What an amazing world we will be creating for ourselves and our children and grandchildren. It really is something worth thinking about.   

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How To Save a Combatting Relationship

“Genius is the ability to reduce the complicated to the simple.” C. W. Ceram

“The life of a winner is the result of an unswerving commitment to a never-ending process of self-completion.” Terry Bradshaw

Avoiding conflict of course is easier said than done. One needs to think about strategies before the conflict. Planning your approaches beforehand is essential to their implementation and success. It is strange how most of us want the discussion with the person we are fighting with, during the heat of the moment. Nothing could be worse. We are all in such a keyed up state of mind that we are not close to wanting any compromise. We are out for proving our argument or seeking revenge. Our mind and body need time to clear, calm down and take a second look when the fire is out.

               If one designs how to arrange and review problems, they are halfway to a solution. Most of the time we are so happy the argument is over we overlook the causes and sweep them under the rug so to speak. The same issues arise again at a future time because we never really handled them in the first place. Now we each throw in a few more irritating things and dig up the old problems. This is not going to make our disagreements any easier. We are multiplying our struggles to the point of breaking our relationships.

               How to disagree can be manageable. When we truly reflect, we admit our own guilt in any situation. This helps us to give position to the other person’s point of view. In doing so, we have broken down a barrier. This takes more courage than to equip ourselves with words for a fight. The other person can grasp our honesty and vulnerability. It is important to arrange a time to discuss issues. It should be when we are ready to compromise and not when we want to prove our viewpoints. When we have a desire to be at peace, the percentage of our being right or wrong is not important. The focus is on a common base.

               In the heat of a battle, we are not prepared to compromise. It is essential to recognize this. We can’t be afraid to broach the problems when our relationship is on track. If we fear facing the problems then our relationship can’t be on solid ground. If it is that fragile then it is even more important to tackle our problems. In the end if we don’t challenge our relationship issues, our connectedness will deteriorate and end. By coping with our differences calmly, we can accommodate each other’s schemata. We may be surprised to find that what we thought was power, control, disrespect and intolerance in our partner, was actually fear, doubt, anxiety and low self-esteem. At this point we can begin to work out the real issues instead of fighting over imagined ones.

               Solving problems is never easy but working on the real problems is simpler than attempting to fix something that isn’t broken. Honesty may be the best policy when we want truth and understanding in our relationship. If we trust the other person then we have confidence they will handle and accept our true characteristics.  If we hide our actual identities then the other person has a more difficult time figuring out how to create a compromise or bond with us. Commitments will be broken because our merger is false in a sense.

Have faith in yourself as a worthy individual. You are likable and lovable. All of us have our own faults which we like to keep hidden. If your flaws are causing a relationship to falter, you don’t want to keep these deficiencies so close. You may attempt to release your inner shortcomings by disclosing them to your partner. Acknowledge each other’s weaknesses and attempt greater closeness through sincerity.

               Peace comes with authenticity, openness, non-judgments, trust, reflection and a letting go of fear. Begin your discussion agreeing to disagree. Assume you will not approve of everything said but agree to listen assimilate and accommodate another’s ideas. You will be closer to a real union as well as a greater expansion of the mind.

“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.” Marcel Proust  

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HOW COMPETITION SPONSORS DISTRUST

“Divide the fire and you will soon put it out.” Greek Proverb

The competition starts before we are even aware. We begin the competition from the day we are born. Parents actually set up the first rivalry. Babies are judged by who is longer or bigger at birth. It continues with when a baby walks talk’s train’s counts and manipulates articles. Parents may refuse to believe they are remotely in any race but the reality of the matter is from babyhood through adulthood we are programmed to compete.

               When we compete we set the stage for a winner and so there must be at least one or more losers. Has anyone proven that there are laurels in keeping down whole food at the youngest possible age? Does walking at ten months make one more special than walking at eighteen months? Is bigger better really? If we answer no but still discuss our child’s size then we are a hypocrite. Think for a minute. No one goes around saying my child is in the ten percent in height and weight. My child walked later than most children. Seriously, if we set parameters all the time, there will be those that surpass them and those that will simply fail. The question is if it is worth out time and effort.

               Jumping further into the future we struggle with school work and the best speakers, writers and math stars. If a child does poorly we begin stressing his or her sports ability. Suddenly we are giving up on school work and in the process brainwashing our child into believing they don’t have the ability to be successful in school. How detrimental it is to discover our realities manifesting due to our own making.

               The same is true of the scholar who is believed to be only good at school work. They come to believe they have no athletic capabilities. When this happens we are not allowing our children to be all that they can be and more. It boils down to competition. We forget the possibility with training the poor athlete may get better or the poor scholar may find his or her niche and discover the cure for a disease. This is not as crazy as it might seem. The crazy part believes we can peg any person into a certain whole and leave them there.

               Grandparents may help in this competition. They begin comparing grandchildren by saying this one will be great in school and this one will be getting an athletic scholarship. This sounds so silly. The children are perhaps toddlers. What happened to the goals of kindness and caring as well as empathy and selflessness? Maybe it is time to reflect on the altruistic attributes.  Children will display what we expect of them. If we expect our child to mess up in high school because that is what teens do then that is what our kids will do. They return to us what we believe. Don’t expect your son or daughter to party through college and just possibly they won’t.

               Parents pit their children against each other every time they compare them. One year in time may find one child with more strength or endurance while another is lacking. It is not necessary to point this out. It is also not necessary to push the child in need to be the same. It is okay to be different. We are not all the same but we all are important and unique. Forcing everyone to love music, dance, sports, book learning or anything else is foolish. Yes we all need to learn and become educated but we can’t force a love of math or science. We can’t force the stamina to work out for an athletic endeavor.

               Siblings can be close friends if parents allow them to simply be themselves. Love your children. That is the only requirement of parenthood that will make all the difference in the world. Others can and will influence your children along the way but at that point, given the firm foundation parents have created ought to maintain them and allow them to weather any questionable time in life. If siblings compete, their brother or sister becomes the enemy.

               Sometimes we might have the ability but not the interest to pursue certain athletic or educational goals.  Other times the timing is not yet right for us. Being a good person first is what we should be striving for. In the end we will find our way. The uttermost person at the top with the best idea cannot always make it happen without those working with him or her to attain the goal. Without all of us the finest thoughts can be laid to rest.

               After all of our growing years are over, the end result is an adult ready to face the struggles of the real world competition. It is sad to find people pitted against each other rather than working together. The fastest worker gets the raise. The best personality befriends the boss. The schmoozer secures his job. The book learned person keeps ahead of the masses. One wonders about the true identity of anyone. We may want to ask the real person to stand up.

               Our importance does not depend on our pushing someone beneath us. It depends on how many people we lift up as equals to us. The baby test needs to be rewritten or dumped altogether. It is time to help each other rather than hurt each other. Children shouldn’t have to begin life believing they are less than others. We need to love them as they are and have faith and belief in them. When anyone receives love they have the ability to bounce it back to others. The more love received, the more love bounced and spread around to others. It will leave us all with only one goal. The goal will be to manifest as much love as we can so that wherever we look we will find it.

“The secret of happiness is to admire without desiring.” F. H. Bradley

“When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.” Tuli Kupferberg

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HANDLING RESENTMENT

"Set peace of mind as your highest goal, and organize your life around it." Brian Tracy

At times we believe jealousy is the furthest thing from our minds. The truth is it is always close by and waiting to pounce unexpectedly. We are content to hear of the problems of others. It can make us feel improved. It allows us to think of being contented. We are superior to the person whose problems we are listening to. We gain more support in difficult or unhappy times than when we are celebrating cheerful periods. It is curious but we feel better when another is hurting. We feel jealous when another is rejoicing. At first glance we deny this but on a second glance we face the reality of our thoughts.

              "Envy is a symptom of lack of appreciation of our own uniqueness and self-worth. Each of us has something to give that no one else has."  Elizabeth O'Connor 
In times of trouble people act diminished and less competitive. They give up the fight. That is when we are offering support and feel superior to their dilemma. When times are good for another, we feel beaten and act defeated. In truth we are not a winner or loser in either event. That is the secret. We are choosing our feelings about a given situation. We may feel more like a hero when we are giving help. Likewise we feel more defeated when we require aid. Most of us keep our issues to ourselves and manifest jealousy in response to another’s pleasure. They have what we would like. In our minds they don’t deserve it or they don’t warrant it any more than we do. We ask ourselves why they possess something we don’t have.

               Within this questioning process we feel sorry for ourselves, frustrated about our lot and angry with others we perceive as in a loftier position. We begin to perseverate on how they achieved what they exhibit, and how boastful they appear to be. In reality these people may not be arrogant at all. They may possess certain comforts but are not owned by their possessions. The judgments we project about any given situation is not necessarily the reality of it. Building something bigger than it actually is creates our feelings of jealousy. We attribute all kinds of bad concepts to the situation and people we are jealous about.

               To stop resentment we need to focus only on what is good and what is working in our lives. How much do we have is more important than how much is deficit. Striving for superficial happiness is at the root of some jealous moments. In reality this apparent pleasure may bring an insurmountable problem or work that may leave us defeated. Acquiring an object of desire comes with a price. The price can be higher than we thought and costlier than we wanted to pay. Appreciating what we have is important. If we stop our jealous tendencies, we may stop our low moods. Our lives will be more joyful and we will live in the moment.

               When one settles for something for the time being, wishing to always have something more, one is living in a future time based on a dream. This person is missing the present time completely to the point of destroying it through covetousness. The person cannot cope with what is so they only envy what they are lacking. It destroys self-esteem, energy, cooperation, love and happiness. Jealousy destroys the good time in the present by not allowing you to enjoy another’s friendship, property or talents. People and material items are not to be envied. Our lives are worth so much more. Happiness comes from within and needs to be celebrated from without. Enjoy every moment you have and cherish it because it is the treasure we strive for but never find as long as we fill our hearts and minds with jealous theories that leave no room for true satisfaction and meaning.

"A good criterion for measuring your success in life is the number of people you have made happy." Robert J. Lumsden

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If You Downplay Expectations, You Decrease Stress

It is a mystery why we expect so much of ourselves. It is awesome to have lofty goals but when we expect to accomplish more than what even two people are capable of accomplishing, it is time to release some of the burden. Our own goals are so much higher than any expectations others have for us. The trouble is we fault ourselves when we fail to meet all of our challenges. We also run the risk of becoming so defeated that we give up and stop any attempts to achieve any goals.  

               We are our own worst enemy. It is time to settle down and accomplish what we can accomplish and let go of what is impossible to do. It is always commendable to work for the highest goal but if we fall short of it we need to promise that we won’t punish ourselves with Self-reproach. Guilt is a great reducer of energy, and self-esteem. Other people in our lives suppose we can solve dilemmas. Our children expect us to endlessly help them and to do it with a smile. It might even be at the loss of our own free time. Parents wait for us to take care of some of their difficulties. Sometimes the timing is all wrong but of course aging parents do not always take that as a good excuse.  Elderly parents have more time on their hands to think about their difficulties and tasks that require attendance. The problem is we are the ones that must pay attention to such complications.

               If we are aware of how much attention we place on the troubles of other people we realize that just maybe we are not so bad. We care about helping others who are struggling. We place the needs of our family and extended family before our own. We are good people. It is not the end of the world to put off a task that appears to be too much for us to handle at the moment. If we approach that same task when we are spilling over with more enthusiasm, we will manage to get it accomplished in record speed. Performing our duties when we are too tired to take them on is asking for trouble. In the end we will use up the little energy we have and most likely perform a shoddy job because we are tired and our heart and mind are not attuned to the task.

               Many times work places pressures on us to accomplish work that may be impossible to complete in the given timeframe. People in charge have no idea the amount of time a particular task might take to complete. Their goal is to badger us into working beyond our time to finish the task as fast as we can. They are happy the task got done while we feel defeated because we didn’t finish in the time allotted. We probably completed the job in record time. We are unaware of this fact so it overshadows our pride in our performance. Again we are stressed and depressed as well as of the opinion we did not meet expectations.

               The more we focus on how little we think we are accomplishing, the less we get done. It is truly up to us to b become aware of our work ethic and be more reasonable with ourselves. We can have a bad, sick or mental health day. If we must put something or someone off until a time in the future so be it. The more we take our duties in stride the more confidence we will have in our abilities and the less scattered we will be.

               The burden of never being good enough can drive a person into a health risk. We can believe we are too stupid to accomplish what is required. Our thoughts turn to if only I were smarter or more educated or had more money or a different job. If we don’t change our attitude then it really doesn’t matter if we are brighter, more educated, and richer or had a better job. The outcome is the same. Changing our attitude along with our expectations allows us more freedom and fewer burdens. If we lose our health, we can’t do anything for anyone. Our goal needs to be to help others yes but within parameters. Expect to do and give our best but have guidelines. Let negative comments from others roll off of our shoulders. Keep our goal in site but rest when we must. Become the boss of ourselves. Give but measure the amount we are capable of giving at any given moment. Throw guilt out the window and never ever doubt yourself. Trust yourself and your inner feelings. In the end you will achieve fulfillment for yourself and others.  

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