Extinguish The Rage

"Speak when you're angry, and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret." Lawrence J. Peter

"Whenever you are in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude." William James

When one feels the smoldering inside of them because another person has ignited some kind of fear, the first thing we might do is question ourselves. That may sound ludicrous but an immediate question may find the reasons why we begin to flare up in anger. I am by no means saying our anger is due to another person's agitation. Just because another person angers us does not give us the right to speed our temper. Controlling our anger is our problem.
To make sense of it we need to understand what triggers our anger and then work on that. If another's tone of voice angers us ask why. Do we recall a parent's or spouse's or sibling's tone in that voice? Did they make us feel inferior or even stupid? That would explain why when we hear that tone from another, we tend to overreact. We might better understand and let go of our quick negative  reaction towards them.

Anger usually originates from fear. We  fear losing control. We fear losing respect, an object, a person, power, friends, position etc.. The list goes on but the fear is basically the same just varying degrees. If we get cut off when driving a car do we begin to think, the other driver deliberately tried to do it and wanted to prove they were crafty. In our minds we visualize them laughing at us, making fun of us. The flame inside of us burns stronger until we feel the need to attack in some way. This might be verbally, causing a barrage of profanities in front of our family or worse we recklessly race to try and cut them off at another area of the road.

reasoning why it bothered us so much may explain the real truth. they were simply taking their shot to move ahead and get to where they were going. We as a person were not intricately involved in their thinking. Most of the time, road rage has nothing to do with an individual person. It's more to do with winning or getting ahead or trying to make time or a zillion other reasons that have nothing at all to do with us. Our reaction has everything to do with our insecurity at being bested.

Why does it bother us when another person gloats about their vacation or job promotion, or new whatever? Does it make us think that they think they are better? Can we remember a time when we gloated about something, anything? Did we want to bother or upset another person? If we can say no to that question, then we should acknowledge that most likely people are happy about their current situation and they do want to brag. Parents perhaps pitted child against child during growing years creating a competitive environment. The bragging may not harm us physically but it sticks in our mind that we just lost some kind of mind game.

Reflect on your anger when you have some time especially when we get angry with our kids. Maybe they interrupted a movie or time with our spouse. Our kids may be acting in ways that reflect our own childhood when parents were admonishing us for a similar situation.We don't  want to hurt our child but we lash out at the imitation of ourselves doing what is now ingrained in us as stupid. Is it really lost?

If we are trying to fix something and it still doesn't work, will yelling at the wife, husband kids make the situation better? Maybe it is time to walk away from the thing and ask for help or work on it when our mind is refreshed. Don't fear not getting it done the way it was planned. Nothing ever goes according to schedule. There really are no deadlines. When one realizes that  our fear of not accomplishing goals and objectives is in our own minds then our frustrations won't lead to anger. Ask yourself a few of these questions today before you fan your fire.

"Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end." Denis Waitley

"Discipline is the habit of taking consistent action until one can perform with unconscious competence. Discipline weighs ounces but regret weighs tons." Jhoon Rhee

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INFURIATING PEOPLE

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction. Peace cannot be kept by force, it can only be achieved by understanding." Albert Einstein

Being  an observer, I noticed how many of us get fired up about things that are aggravating or upsetting. We tend to dwell on those issues that anger us. The more we think about it and ponder it and discuss it, the stronger the fire gets. It makes us want to correct the problem or so we think. So we lash out at the object of our perceived frustration throwing all of our fire at them. Then we watch them burn to ashes as we walk away. On our way back to sanity we convince ourselves or try to convince ourselves that they deserved it, made us do it. we were in our right to retaliate.

Have you ever noticed that after our storm, we have an uneasiness in our system that won't go away? We review all the things the person did to us in order to justify in our minds that we were correct in our angry actions. We even begin to talk about the person and the incident with others so that we can garner up support groups that agree with us. In the end it doesn't work and the uneasiness won't go away so we confront the object of our anger again because now we blame them for the uncomfortable feelings we are experiencing. It's their fault we got so angry. It's all their blame in the first place. Our actions now color our mood which isn't the happiest. We snap a quick retort at other innocent people.We feel tired and drained, and begin to have a cold or illness coming on. Sleep is restless and the anger and resentment towards our person of hatred increases.

 Does this sound familiar? We have all been in that place at one time or another. Viewing it from a far away place, and a far away time makes us realize it gained us nothing, and cost us a lot of damage to our own bodies. We caused misery for the person we retaliated against. One is left with a smoldering fire that simply won't be distinguished. It almost consumes one's thoughts. I had to ask myself if there was a better way I might have handled the whole situation and anger issue. I talked myself through a different scenario. If I had placed even 10% of the blame on myself, sat down and honestly spoke my feelings clearly and concisely, asked for feedback or a response to my efforts, would it have made a difference? Maybe the person that hurt me was having some deep rooted questions themselves, or going through a difficult time in their lives, or fearful of something that wasn't there. I didn't  stop to think their carelessness or thoughtlessness might not have had as much to do with me as it had to do with their own fears.

One moment of stepping back,  reflecting before reacting, compassion before retribution might have saved both of us a multitude of heartache. None  of us in honesty, is  without some blame. We should  never let a small smoldering fire inside of us, increase to the point of no return. In the end it not only consumes our agitator but also us. If I had simply put out the fire with talk, understanding, acceptance and tolerance, I would not have spent so many sleepless nights of anger and  worry. I would not have had an angry attitude towards everyone I met. Instead I could venture to  say my light of happiness would have burned instead and burned brightly without any pain to myself or others. Even when another does not respond to our overtures of reconciliation, we can keep trying and thus keep peace within ourselves. Keep our own light burning instead of turning it into a blaze that in the end destroys us.
"He who angers you conquers you." Elizabeth Kenny Australian Nurse
"There are two  ways of exerting one's strength: one is pushing down, the other is pulling up." Booker T. Washington
"The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none." Thomas Carlyle

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WHAT ESTABLISHES RESPECT?

"The bond that links your true family is not one of blood but of respect, and joy in each other's life." Richard Bach
"Education is an admirable thing but, it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught." Oscar Wilde

 Manners is more than please and thank you although it is nice to be at the receiving end of a thank you. In order to have real manners one needs to extend empathy, compassion and awareness of others. If one cares about another and feels for their situation then one jumps in to lighten their load. For instance, if you see a pregnant woman on the bus who doesn't have a seat, then you might give up yours. Someone with a tremendous amount of bundles might inspire you to hold open a door. Manners almost becomes innate if a person has been taught to have a regard for other people. When we respect others we respect their presence and their time. We would never insult them by texting while we are engaged in a conversation with them. Likewise we would never be on a phone while they are trying to wait on us in a store. If a person was kind enough to help us pick up items we dropped on a street, we would be very thankful and our words would display this thanks.

Having manners is not something one can truly teach unless one teaches a person or child compassion, caring, empathy and an awareness of being a part of a whole. The world is more than us. The world does not revolve around just us. As much as parents want to praise their children and rightly so, build up their confidence, absolutely, they still must add compassion and  empathy for others. We may think our children are the greatest, smartest, the best athletes, prettiest, handsomest and any other attributes we might add. That is okay but remember that every parent is thinking  the same thing. You are not alone. Do  any of us say to another, "Your child is so much smarter than mine." If you get the point then carry this one step further and teach your child to be the most caring, thoughtful, empathetic, trustworthy, gracious and responsible child that they can be. What a world if this happened. We would do away with jealousy because we would be thinking about another's needs instead of our own. We would do away with envy because it would not be important to us in the scheme of things. We would do away with competition because we would not want to hurt another. A new world of true humanity would be created. It would not be a world that loved only those that loved us back. That is so easy to do. It would be total compassion for others. That  really should  be what we are striving for. If you want to teach manners, teach compassion, empathy, understanding, honesty, responsibility and awareness of others. My top two are compassion and awareness. You will then have learned what real manners are.
"Real education should educate us out of self into something far finer; into a selflessness which links us with all humanity." Nancy Astor
"Where there is a human being there is an opportunity for kindness." Seneca

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Roads That Lead Nowhere

"Life is no straight and easy corridor along which we travel free and unhampered, but a maze of passages, through which we must seek our way, lost and confused, now and again checked in a blind alley. But always,  if we have faith, a door will open for us, not perhaps one that we ourselves would ever have thought of, but one that will  ultimately prove good for us." A. J. Cronin

I have recently been the recipient of 3 young peoples' cries for help. Actually the parents were the ones requesting the aid. It seems to be an epidemic. Young people get so lost in their unhappiness and powerlessness that they spiral downward quickly. Maybe it is time for all of us to recognize others needs. Sometimes through helping another, we can also help ourselves. So many feel trapped in an existence that they cannot control or change. Of course this isn't the case but if one believes it to be true then for all intensive purposes it is. It is similar to hypochondria. If one believes  they have an illness, they will suffer as much as if they truly did have the disease. We need to break the spiral by recognizing the triggers sooner and intervening.

Life is almost impossible to take. At times many of us just think it is too difficult. That is when we should ask for help. We need a listening ear, a comforting embrace outside intervention or a new frame of mind. It doesn't  need to  be life threatening but for young people, who view the world narrowly, it might be. They can't see beyond the mountains they can't climb. One day they might fly  over these mountains but for the moment they or we are trapped. As adults we need to take cries for help seriously. Just because a young person laments not having a girlfriend or boyfriend to us appears to be meaningless. To them it is heartbreaking and diminishing. They feel like they are a loser and they turn to outside things to make the pain disappear if only for a short while.

 Sometimes parents think oh in time they'll get over it and little attention is paid to this situation. I am not  blaming parents by any means and many times even with total intervention the situation gets worse. But for those situations that might get better with immediate attention, I suggest a focusing in on a child or teens problem. They will not whine or complain but they  will appear unhappy and withdrawn. Pay attention. Waiting is not an answer. Step in right away. Don't worry about appearing foolish. Better to be foolish and mistaken than lax and have a major  problem. One needs to put other issues aside and deal with what is at hand. Partial or small attention to the matter will not get it resolved. Your full focus must be given. Place its' importance high. Talk talk  talk with your child, spend time with them, don't leave their side even if they tell you they are okay and you can go about your business. Assume they are not and keep your attention. Find groups or sports or community activities for them to be a part of depending on their likes. Join something together if you can. Do a clean up of the town, coach a younger group of kids with them, encourage them to join a fire department explorer group or get them a job. The point is they need to feel wanted, appreciated and substantiated. They need to feel worthwhile. We all need to feel this. They are in crises at the moment so it is more important for their needs to come first even before our pleasures or downtime.

Search,  ask questions, never say I've tried everything because you haven't and the stakes are too high to  stop or let go. Diverting attention to a worthier cause or effort will redefine who they are. It might take a long time in the struggle and an abundance of effort on our part, but we will possibly have the results we strive for. If any person close to us, be it child or adult, is in an inner conflict, it becomes necessary for us to get involved in any manner that we can to remedy the situation. If it is ourselves that has the problem, recognize it and seek help immediately. Like clouds on a rainy day, it will pass in time and the sun again will shine.

"Progress always involves risks. You can't steal second base and keep your foot on first." Frederick Wilcox

"Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated failures. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent." Calvin Coolidge

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KEEP GOALS FIRM, DISREGARD DOUBTS

"Without involvement there is no commitment. Mark it down, asterisk it, circle it, underline it. No involvement no commitment." Stephen Covey

Many of us have already set New Year's resolutions. Most of us would agree that we will most likely not achieve them. That is the problem. If you think you can't achieve a goal then you are probably correct. In order to attain anything, we need to believe we can do it. Surprisingly, most things we set our mind on to do, we are capable of doing. Believing we can is the factor. Often the goals are too difficult or unrealistic to achieve immediately or without setbacks along the way. As a result, we release our goals and efforts as soon as we cave. This is a mistake. Nothing great is accomplished the first time trying. Think about the baby steps. Every time we succeeded a bit more than the day before.

Giving up on anything  seals our fate regarding that issue. With a bit more effort maybe our marriage will succeed. Trying harder may help us to have more patience or tolerance. Another attempt at reconciliation with a friend or family member just might be the cure. Refraining from judgement when we slip back on our trials with an addiction, allows us the will and ambition to try again with more vigor. I equate abandoning our goals with coping out. We set our goals, break them and then leave them behind as pointless. this is so sad. We can achieve them with time, patience, effort and above all else forgiveness. When an athlete is attempting to improve his skill or speed he chops away at this problem day after day. There might be times when he observes a backward result but he never loses his or her focus. With each and every trial, what seemed an impossible  task, is accomplished and light is made. It is true that maybe we fall a little short of one hundred percent of our goal but how much further did we take ourselves from the starting point. There is always room for growth.

There will always be people who  will discourage us from our goals. Maybe that's because it places them in the position of facing their own lack of effort. You disturb their peacefulness of stagnation. Every effort great or small needs to begin with our determination  to make a difference and make a change in a situation. We are never disappointed because we will  never end up in the same place we were before the effort. Take the risk, set the goals as lofty as you choose and begin your journey towards your goals. You are looking for small changes that will  eventually evolve into a major change. In all of our goal setting,  we will be proud of our efforts instead of disappointed with our failures. So concentrate on the goal, the efforts, and the small changes. Forget about the time, failures and setbacks. Three steps forward and two steps back still leaves you with one step ahead. You without a doubt can do it. The most difficult challenging and stressful piece of all of this is the start.

"The strongest warriors are these two...time and patience." Leo Tolstoy

"Many of life's failures are people who do not realize how close they  were to success when they gave up." Thomas Edison

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CONSIDER WHAT COUNTS

"You give but little when you give of your own possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give." Kahil Gibran

 We search for things all the time. We can never seem to get everything done by the end of the day. We think, maybe if I try harder tomorrow or give up some lunch time or get out earlier or  get up earlier etc. We're all lacking time yet we are not so worried about time. It's as if we want all their is in the amount of time we get in a day. If you ask a wife or a husband what they would like from their spouse it will most likely be time alone. Children ask and ask parents to watch, look listen help and play. On the worst day at work we might be thinking about when it is time to go home and see our loved ones. The key word is time yet we abuse it misuse it and waste it. When we get time we forget all the good thoughts we had about what is important in our lives and instead begin to focus on what we should or need  to do. So we have the problem what is the answer?

I think we need to focus on what we know is important. That is what we think about in our worst states of mind. People are what counts. One must begin thinking about people and how important they are to us.The sink, laundry, shopping housecleaning computer phone calls, texts and papers can literally wait. People should never have to place second to any of these devices swallowing up our time. If we lined them all up and were told to only choose one it is likely we would choose the  people we love. Yet we spend so much time doing all those other things. What never seems to get done is TIME with PEOPLE. It's never too late to change our habits. Put those you love first in your life. If you only have a limited time never cut it from your loved ones. You will find relationships stronger and connections to your children stronger to the point that you may not have the problems you  had with them when you didn't have time for them. Marriage problems lighten,  child issues get resolved quicker and somehow  when you go to bed at night you don't feel guilty that you didn't get to those other things. Because you have taken care of the main things in your life. Suddenly you might discover that your life appears to be flowing smoother and you wonder why. Maybe it is because you have chosen wisely in the way you decided to spend your time.

"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." Albert Einstein

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Disappointment Depletes Energy

"We learn to walk by stumbling." Bulgarian Proverb
"courage is not limited to the battlefield. The real tests of courage are much quieter. They are the inner tests, like enduring pain when the room is empty, or standing alone when you're misunderstood." Charles Swindoll


With the holidays over, are you left with the disappointment? It goes across the board regarding gifts, missed opportunities for chatting with a certain relative, and believing our feelings have been totally disregarded. When people gather together the scene is set for total confusion, chaos and misunderstandings. Our minds are thinking about who we want to talk to and what we need to say to someone and questions we want to ask. What happens is we never get the opportunity to discuss anything with the person we wanted to talk to, we forgot to ask our questions and we never received any answers because someone interrupted us with other questions. This might sound familiar.

 Gifts are kind of like that. We may have been disappointed but I would guess that others probably were unhappy with the gifts we gave. Some people grumble to the world which is a bad idea because the negativity bounces back at us. Other people expect a return and still others pretend they liked the gift and then give it away or regift it. The point is that we all have our disappointments. If we want to complain about it to others we are making it bigger than it needs to be and giving life to an unimportant issue. Freeing ourselves from the negativity releases a burden and opens us up to happier and more positive things in life. Free will, allows us to search and concentrate on positive things rather than reviewing and remembering negative things. Many of us who experience a happy situation go home and may not think about it again. The opposite is true when we have a problem we didn't like. Sometimes we can't let it go and yet that is what we need to do.


If we created a tally list of pros and cons in the course of our day we would find the pros definitely outweigh the cons. If they don't then we need help in learning how to seek out and find the positive happenings in our life. people are not out to get us or hurt us. People  do care but at times may be distracted. Many times other people are in  the same boat as we are regarding hiding problems or tears and hurts and scars. We are human and we all suffer. By bringing anger into a situation we have built the mountain which we must climb over rather than deal with the mole hill which is easier to cross. If it is all about feelings of love or hate then ask yourself this, do you love others? If you do then it is probably reciprocal. We receive  what we are sending out. If others love us then they are not deliberately hurting us and to think otherwise is to cause us more hurt. We are choosing the hurt in many situations. Choose instead to reduce stress in your life, give others a break and especially give yourself a break. Focus on a time you caused another unintentional pain, remember how sad it made you feel and how much you wanted the other person to understand. Remember and grant others the forgiveness you sought for yourself. It comes back on us. If we slam the door, prepare one day for it to likewise slam on us.

"To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee." William H. Walton

"Hope works in these ways: it looks for the good in people instead of  harping on the worst; it discovers what can be done instead of  grumbling about what cannot; it regards problems, large or small, as opportunities; it pushes ahead when it would be easy to  quit; it "lights the candle" instead of "cursing the darkness." Anonymous

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