“The greatest of
faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none.” Thomas Carlyle
At various times we have a conflict with a friend or
relative. It is common and is usually the result of either person having a bad
day. For a variety of reasons we fail to mend the quarrel. The longer it takes
us to amend the clash, the worse things get and the more uncomfortable we feel.
What began as a disagreement mushrooms into a battle and then war. Neither
party wants to confront the opposing foe. Both partners have their pride to
maintain and or their determination to prove they are right. The ongoing
struggle is enhanced because our next step is avoidance. You would think that
avoidance would create a period of reflection and a desire to correct the
problems we have with a friend or family member. This is usually not the case.
If we do any reflection at all and if we become consciously aware of having any
guilt in the matter, we will run away from our opposition in order to maintain
our conviction of our innocence. Most likely neither side is without blame.
Even if there are degrees of blame, we can still agree to disagree and let an
issue dissolve. The majority of the time we choose avoidance which only hurts
both of us, continues the hostility, and eats away at our conscience. We might
be relaying our innocence to others yet wonders why we cannot sleep at night.
Strangely enough, avoidance will promote alienation. Distance dissolves the love we once had and replaces it with feeling a festering wound. Even if we are beginning to admit to
ourselves, our own guilty part to the conflict, we begin to fault the other
person for the continuance of the disagreement. We ablosve ourselves of all blame.
Time passes and erodes our strong passions. The episode loses its' glamour and we childish for having been a party to the issues. We avoid the person because we realize it was a stupid
argument and we are uncomfortable to have put ourselves in such a situation. It
was blown out of proportion. Apologizing
is not a choice because it would be humbling. It would make us appear weak. We
are genuinely confused about our desires to fix the problem, without losing
face, keeping our pride intact, and gaining back some peace. We are never sure
about how it will go if we attempt the first approach. If we get rejected we
will feel worse about the whole mess. In the end we back down and miss the
opportunity.
By avoiding this person, we don’t have to make any
decisions. In avoidance we are decimating a once happy relationship. We are
paying a dear price for our pride. We must stop avoiding our opposition. By being thrown together at work or
gatherings, we have the chance to manage and work things out. Most of the time
both people involved in the disagreement are sorry. It is difficult to figure out how to go about
making peace. When people are in close quarters, they tend to have more
opportunities to fix a broken relationship. The prospects are better and appear
to arise without any help. We discover our foe trying to carry a heavy load.
Our offer to help washes away a lot of the mud we both slung. We offer a tool
or advice to our angry friend. We both
laugh at a joke and find ourselves agreeing with each other. It is easy to
repair differences when we are in proximity of the other person. The closer
we get to human contact, the easier it gets to resolve the disputes. Suddenly
we see our friend or sibling as a person we care about instead of as a stranger. We even wonder how
and why the quarrel happened in the first place. We are glad it is finished and we are watchful it doesn't happen again. We go home, feel good and sleep soundly.
“He that never changes his opinions, never corrects his
mistakes and will never be wiser on the morrow than he is today.” Edward Tryon
“Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; Courage is
also what it takes to sit down and listen.” Herbert V. Prochnow
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