Mother-in-law Daughter-in-law Dilemma: 2014

Hi
I wanted to let followers know that I have combined my blogs and have a brand new blog called
Pam's Relationship blog It is positive and pro-active with constructive thoughts to encourage all towards a happier life.
www.blog.pamreynolds.me

I hope you will visit my new site where I will be posting new blogs. You may also reach me at the relationship blog site via the website given above and below from this post. I will leave it up for the next few months.

www.blog.pamreynolds.me

My Best and God Bless

Friday, February 21, 2014

Understanding Intention Avoids Confusion

"Love is as necessary to human beings as food and shelter;but without intelligence love is impotent, and freedom unattainable." Aldous Leonard Huxley

How many times have we quarreled with a friend or family member and repeated the words, "That's not what I mean." We get so frustrated trying to think of a way to phrase what we wanted or meant to say that we at times lose our train of thought or worse we blurt out words that make it all worse. Trying to take back what we said is not as easy as it is to voice the words originally spoken.

I would venture to say we have all been in this situation at least once but probably many times. Maybe people enjoy catching us in such a harrowing situation. They at times set us up and enjoy seeing us squirm our way out. Of course the harder we try squirming, the guiltier we appear. It really becomes more aggravating when the other party refuses to give us a break and back off. Instead they continue their shocked and hurt look which adds to our misery, drains our effort, confuses our thinking, and enhances our guilt regardless of the truth. Many times our energy depletes which forces us to give up and accept our losses.

Those of us who plod forward step in it so to speak and then wish we had cut our losses. How do we fix such problems? Connections to friends and relatives is important to us. Full of adrenalin due to the encounter, we retreat but our day is ruined and until the other person forgives us for what we didn't do, our life ends up on hold. Personally I think if we venture a call on them our first words might be, "I'm sorry if you misunderstood what I said. Knowing me so well I assumed you would understand I would never want to deliberately hurt you." Surprisingly if the combative person retorts with "I know, it's okay." You may have to reply with, "It's not okay if you believe a falsehood."

Otherwise our relative or friend thinks they caught us in some weird truth but they forgave us. I know depending on our disposition, we may cause another argument. If we are prepared we will possibly avoid any traps. In this way our opponent at this current time will be prompted to accept some blame in the situation. We may modify the course of a similar happening for misconception in a future exchange of words. Thinking like a chess player may save us from an imminent transgression. The key in all of this is to keep your voice calm, your tone non-judgmental and your heart and thoughts sincere.
We do have differing states of mind in any given moment and just maybe what is said one day may be totally acceptable by another person but on a separate day that person has an altered reaction. We all experience days of insecurity and sensitivity. refraining from any controversial topic may be the order of the day.

If we step into the mistake of giving a false impression UNINTENTIONALLY, then patience on that day and possibly a future day may be required. But you need to ask yourself isn't that person worth it in the end? I believe so and that means more time patience and effort but they are worth it and so are we when the roles get reversed which they most likely will.

"The degree of one's emotion varies inversely with one's knowledge of the facts. The less you know the hotter you get." Anonymous

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Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Why Are there Tears?

"Think occasionally of the suffering of which you spare yourself the sight." Albert Schweitzer
Having worked with kids for more than twenty five years, has given me insight into their hearts and thoughts. More than sixty-five percent of the kids in certain classrooms are emotionally abused daily. This abuse occurs from the hands of parents or step parents. When so many children are hurting, it is time to ask ourselves
why. Speaking for the children is important to me. Family life appears to be deteriorating. This has created a domino
effect. To fix society we must fix the schools. To fix the schools we must fix the child’s home environment. It is time to look at this dilemma with new eyes. We can’t fix it with the old way of thinking. Our challenge as parents is to look at the facts. We might promote an aggressive attempt at a new approach. Success comes from the love and nurturing at home. Society can’t reteach or rehabilitate broken children easily, or possibly ever,Against all odds, some children grow up in poor circumstances but rise to become superstars. The difference in their home environments was love, encouragement, and support from their parents, or another caring adult. The power of love has been greatly underestimated. Although we all love our children, demonstrating this with hard work is paramount. This means placing our children’s needs first, constant watchfulness, and guiding them with integrity and righteousness. Stopping the unconscious mistreatment of children is my goal. By stopping some harmful choices we make children improve emotionally and academically. It certainly is worth the determination for all of us to make an effort.
"Each day of our lives we can make deposits into the memory banks of our children." Charles Swindoll

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Tuesday, February 18, 2014

EXCUSES

"Act as if what you do makes a difference, it does." William James

Yes on any given day I can come up with a million excuses to avoid doing anything. I would venture to say I am not alone. It is clearly a problem because it keeps me from interactions with others, accomplishing jobs I had set as goals for the day, completing and making deadlines set by others, and living up to promises I made to friends and family.

I don't intentionally plan on skipping things I should do. Now that is a pardon for me to feel better. There are definitely times when our justifications are real and not so much a coping out as an they are a real obstacle preventing us from doing what we should do. No criticism intended but gaining a handle on excuses allows us to accomplish so much more. We don't call the friend because we are watching a good TV show or checking our e-mails or sitting on the couch without having to think or talk about anything.

At work, we find something boring or so difficult it is impossible to begin. At home our tasks always take longer than what we think and we know this and simply don't want to get started in the first place. The luxury of doing nothing seems to be given only at times when we are sick. Of course at these times we can't enjoy this free time because we don't feel well. Some of us use others to escape work effort and responsibility. A divorced father can escape his obligations by acknowledging his wife doesn't permit him to see the kids which may be true. what a relief. No lost time or effort on his part and no guilt. A headache or cold ought to alleviate our helping with the household tasks even if we are feeling a bit better. We can take another day. I am guilty of many of these affairs myself. I know I would be further along with my jobs if I tackled them without thought just responsibility. Some tasks are important like our kids. We need to separate what counts from counting what tasks are waiting. Kids can't wait. They desperately need us and after all we are their parents. So if I can't bend over as much due to a leg injury I can still kick that ball back to my kid and let them toss it again. I can still be there to talk or listen or watch the world around us evolving. That's final no exoneration, I need to go and take care of what matters most.

"Things that matter most should never be at the mercy of things which matter least." Johann Van Goethe

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Sunday, February 16, 2014

Finding Strength In Solitude

"When nothing seems to help I go and look at a stonecutter hammering away at his rock perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred and first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not that blow that did it but all that had gone before."
I watched as the man shuffled down the aisle carrying a weight around his waist which professed anxiety to me. He appeared to be quite old until I glimpsed his face and discovered he was maybe at the end of middle-age. He certainly had many more good years to offer but not to his thinking. It seemed apparent he had lost the fight, given up and resolved to sit back and watch others live while he wasted. I had seen him many times before and spoke briefly a few of those moments. In another time he was vibrant, astute and humorous. I felt said watching him. What happened I asked myself. Why the change I reflected. I recalled a few reasons and problems he endured and was saddened at how the flow of life beats us down if it can. Sometimes the harder we attempt to fight back, the stronger we are forced to the ground and eventually crushed. Wait a minute I thought. Not everyone stays down. Some get back up on their feet not necessarily swinging but definitely smiling. No doubt
it is difficult to keep hope alive in our hearts when life thrashes us at every corner. Many people believe that as soon as they progress a tiny bit forward one minute, they are pounced on the next minute. Maybe we should get up and stand taller firmer stronger. When an opponent sees weakness they strike. The only difference between two equally capable athletes is the motivation and belief in themselves that they can do it. Surrendering is accepting defeat and the game is over. As long as one continues to try hope is never dead and the possibilities are always achievable.
The trick to continuing regardless of outcome is keeping your goal in mind. As long as you have purposes in your life, you have reasons to strive to overcome obstacles. It is like visualizing what you want to see happen. Sometimes we may strive to achieve a goal that makes another person happy. Whatever the reason, when we find a purpose we work and try harder to attain our objective.
It seems that setting objectives and tasks we must try to complete can help us conquer our objectives and at the same time defeat our loneliness. When we come to the aid of another person we are saving ourselves in the process. It empowers us with worth. We begin to realize we never really became unimportant or inconsequential to life. We simply sat down on the bench and ignored the calls from those on the battlefield of life. When we decided to stand up again to answer a call, we jump-started our drive and made a difference in the life of another. Even the smile we gave to others on any given day, reached out and said, you are someone and you count.
"Life offers no guarantees... just choices; no certainty... but consequences; no predictable outcomes... just the privilege of pursuit." Tim Conner

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Tuesday, February 11, 2014

NOW! FIX YOUR LISTENING POWER

"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen." Herbert Prochnow

How many times have we said to a spouse, child, sibling, friend or co-worker, "Will you just listen for a second?" We are all so guilty of assuming what it is the person is going to say or defend. It is one of the most frustrating attempts at communication when another human being, won't allow us the time to say what we are desperately trying to say. Of course those of us who do permit another to have their say find out quickly that the courtesy is not returned. It can and does happen on either end. Sadly for all of us, we get nowhere in our communication attempts. We do promote anger, frustration, anxiety, resentment, loud voices, feelings of guilt, a variety of illnesses and sleepless nights. Neither party is exempt from the results of the break in communication. major point is if we learn from the harrowing experience when our train is back on the tracks. I would venture to say we repeat the interaction in the near future. I am wondering what it is in human nature that refrains us from listening when we are in disagreement. It's as if we are doing battle and we are determined to win. I think we ought to realize just what it is that we have accomplished and won.
Maybe it has to do with the times in childhood when we had to do what our parents said regardless of right or wrong. We learned to listen under duress of punishment. Maybe it has to do with school when we were caught between the teacher and our parent, or the times our sibling was stretching the truth and the louder voice was heard, or maybe we just get tired of everyone at work telling us what to do. Whatever the reason for our irrationality , we don't give in. A moment of silence and quiet listening may bring some insight upon the situation and allow for understanding and communication. The result is maintaining a compromise with both sides preserving their pride intact. It becomes effortless to listen with practice. Fostering an exchange of ideas makes learning easier and provides a template for a more trouble-free relationship.

"Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved with understanding."

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Monday, February 10, 2014

BALANCE YOUR LIVING BY GIVING

"We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give." Winston Churchill

Day after day we toil and sweat to do the things we must in the time given. At the end of the day we lie back in bed and think of how much we did not get accomplished and how poorly we did the things that did get finished. We grade ourselves so poorly that it is a wonder we attempt to work on anything the next day. I think we forget about the small nameless acts of kindness we perform randomly on a given day. The friend who needs a listening ear, the family member who calls for aid, The neighbor whose car broke down and the friend who requested company while doing a difficult task, the donuts and coffee we picked up for our co-workers and dropping the mail off to a sick friend.. The works are not of importance but the accepted task and time is. Most of us simply forget to add these daily occurrences into our list of "accomplishments for the day". Most if not all of the kind acts are done without any expectations of a favor in return. We do these things often yet sit back in our chairs and think how little I am doing with my life. We worry and fret and wonder if we should start running the local soup kitchen or charitable organization. Although these are awesome and worthwhile ideas, for most of us such a commitment is not one of our choices. Small things are actually more important if they are done on a daily basis instead of doing one large thing. All those nameless mindless acts of charity add up. if we could total them and bag them we would most likely not be able to carry our bags. Most of us would have a monster of a bag at our feet. We are not aware of it because there is no way to measure our actions. So many people believe they do nothing to impact the world. The truth is everything we say and do impacts people which in turn impacts the world. Insults and harsh words spoken behind the back of another brings lots of negativity into the world. Likewise, praise, kind words and actions bring lots of positive energy into the world. It is all within our power to alter a person, people, society and the world. Our good modeling brings goodness. Never underestimate your power or tremendous amount of offerings given to others daily. The best of your life is made up of the many small kindnesses, not the one large performance. It is what we do that counts not what we didn't do. That milk you just got for your spouse will be added to your bag of kindness. When you can't sleep because you believe you don't contribute enough good, simply pull your kindness bag over your body as a reminder and calmly drift off into a peaceful sleep of serenity.
"It's not your position in life that matters but choosing to do what matters most in life that counts." V.J. Smith

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Tuesday, January 28, 2014

TRAPPED IN A SNOWGLOBE

"The only progress that knowledge allows is in enabling us to describe more and more in detail the world we see and its evolution. What matters in a world-view is to grasp the meaning and purpose of everything and that we cannot do." Albert Schweitzer

If we think we were lacking in attention a few years ago, we had better prepare for the rapid ride downhill into obscurity. I don't say this lightly or without much thought. Many people have mentioned they feel depressed or sad. If anything life has become harsher, and is moving along at a reckless pace. We have so many gadgets to "Help Us" yet we have so little time to get things done or meet our commitments. We are so wildly connected to everyone yet feel so utterly separated. Our friends are too numerous to count yet nobody has the time to personally say hello. “They” say people are feeling more saddened from being on line reading about all the powerful experiences in the lives of people they know. It makes me think about being in one of those snow globes and observing all of my family, friends, and acquaintances, (snowflakes) rushing all around me. I feel dizzy, confused and alienated. I am disconnected and I know it and I accept and actually like the situation.

Everyone talks about themselves, their problems, issues, happy experiences and totally busy lives. I know each snowflake only has a moment to touch the others because they must enter many other snow globes in order to stay in contact with additional “snowflakes”. I feel it empties one of free quiet time for simply being.

I enjoy absorbing life and savor the opening of a flower or the purposeful animals searching for food on a snowy day. I enjoy recalling the simple smile of a baby or child and the crazy breathtaking laugh with a friend. I like to review a day’s or night’s experience and savor the joys of those moments or the problems that got worked out with the open as well as the silent words.

I am experiencing more connects with nature and people by the personal up close involvements and help of my senses, than with the reading material about people places and things. I get the feeling we are so linked by machines yet we are losing our innate intelligence which give us the most awesome information. I don’t want my five senses to go dormant. I want to encourage my sixth sense to add to the bountiful understandings I gather into my brain every day. I want to practice relationships not read about them. I want to sense another’s genuine emotions and powerful positive energy sent my way. My eyes see more than what is on a flat screen. My ears hear more in combination with the eyes the words tossed out at me. My lips impart wisdom from my soul and my nose embraces the familiarity of my life as well as the foreign exposures. My whole self feels the vibration of energies in all of the combined experiences. My senses are filled up with the world and people I love around me.

I want to be more than an observer of another’s presented picture of life which at times might be no more than a television version. I want something real. I want the total involvement of my being which is why when I am with another person, the machines are off. They can wait. I don’t want to confuse the two. If this person standing in front of me thinks I am worthy enough that they are present, and then I respect that authentic emotion and give consideration to them. “Feel better” hasn't the same reach into my heart. I believe there is a time and place for technology but we exist in the time and place with real people. The minute by minute sadness or happiness is being played out on a stage instead of being animated and experienced. We are not in the moment if our thoughts are preparing the execution of our flash onto paper or screen. Some experiences cannot be put into words. Life needs to be vital and savored.

If you are one of those people who suspects being trapped in a snow globe and left behind, consider yourself lucky. The world still holds mysteries to experience rather than the escalator to step on and ride across the airport.

It is never good to envy. If you suffer it or suspect the jealousy rising, about what others are doing, remember that you were given 5 or possibly 6 senses like everyone else for the most part. Use them rather than spending useless time on envy or worry. Your involvements are a treasure and all yours. Your world is wider and opened not confined to a small box closed to all intelligence and requiring imagination.

I like to imagine but I like faith hope and truth much better. Love of course transcends all else. It is hard to love what is always floating by. I would suggest grabbing those snowflakes and hugging them to your heart. Maybe if they melt they might stick around with you for a little while now and again.

"Is there one word that may serve as a rule of practice for all one's life? The Master said is not Reciprocity such a word? What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others." Confucius

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Friday, January 10, 2014

SURVIVING OVERWHELMING DISAPPOINTMENT

"The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; Whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; Who strives valiantly; Who errs and comes short again and again; Who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause/who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails daring greatly."

When you feel overwhelmed like when your at the bottom of the barrel scraping your way out, adrenalin kicks in and animal instincts override. Those instincts ensure our safety and survival when we are in the wild and encounter dangerous situations. Defiance may manifest when we are angry at someone and feel squashed by their intrusiveness. Immediately we go into high gear and deflate them with nasty retorts. It does make them back off but we have created probably more problems than we started with. Other times we may be on overload because of our many obligations.

We can decide how to prioritize duties but that doesn't matter. whatever we choose it gnaws at us for not picking another one. Truthfully no matter what we chose it would feel like it was a bad choice because we could not accomplish all of the tasks at once which is what we wanted to do in the first place. We set ourselves up to fail. We don't see it but we do. To add a bit of frosting to the cake we even lash out at others in our vicinity because we are so frustrated with ourselves and our inability to fulfill the workload.
This is not just true of the CEO but of anyone with a task to do. Mothers place the most burdens on themselves. They worry they have not spent enough time with their kids, not been gentle enough, read enough books, talked to them enough etc. This annoys them and then they lose their temper with their kids because they are already angry with themselves. We struggle more with defiance than we do with anger. We become defiant and then angry and then fight with someone within range. How do we stop the buildup of our defiance? I suggest reflecting immediately. Observe the kids or co-workers without any emotional interactions, and make the decision with your clear and logical mind to plan a review later of these mounting responsibilities. It delays anger and anxiety. It keeps the animal instincts from overtaking the thinking mind. It spares others our wrath. Later we may realize it is okay to choose defiance when we are calm. Then we can easily say no to our child even if they hand us a temper tantrum which is their form of defiance. Suggest to the boss rebelliously and in your most subdued voice their is no way to meet the deadline they enforced. They will be surprised and maybe even more respectful of you for stating the truth which they already knew.

Spouses can be irritating. Choose to be defiant by simply walking away while suggesting you can save the fight for tomorrow. It works. Your spouse may think you are attempting humor but whatever diffuses the burdens of life is worth the effort of a solid attempt. Defiance and non conformity can work for the best if we understand when best to toss it into action. Human instincts monitored by our thinking brain are a better choice than those animal instincts aiding us in surviving our overpowering burdens.

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Tuesday, January 7, 2014

CRUSH REGRET; SEEK COURAGE

"Courage is not limited to the battlefield. The real tests of courage are much quieter. They are the inner tests, like enduring pain when the room is empty or standing alone when you're misunderstood." Charles Swindoll

So many people were complaining about not having time for this job and that responsibility. It was so bothersome that many were almost immobilized with anxiety. They felt like they just did not have enough energy for anything or anyone. The result was total restraint from accomplishing something.

These individuals believed they did not measure up to others which added more reproach. They believed that if they worked harder or longer or focused more it would make a difference in the outcome.

What actually transpired was they felt defeated. They couldn't keep going and were going to give up any work they had left undone. It was overwhelming and defeating to the point that they couldn't continue. If the truth were told, these individuals placed way too much on their shoulders. They didn't give themselves a break nor did they consider the problems they encountered along their way to success in their endeavors.

It was amazing how on the outside it appeared easy to see that their expectations were high and their considerations to themselves were low. Despite their handicaps they expected more of themselves.

The problem is that we can destroy ourselves in the process because we don't give ourselves any excuses for failure or lateness in achievement. I know it is admirable to take responsibility but expecting the impossible causes destruction of the mind. Even if we can do it physically, at times mentally it can't be done.

On days weeks or months like this we need to step back, see the whole forest and not just the tree. Remind ourselves we can't do the impossible and we do need downtime. Expecting too little of ourselves leads to boredom and laziness, but expecting too much of ourselves can be physically and mentally crippling. We give excuses to others how about allowing the same kindness to ourselves.

"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." Albert Einstein

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Monday, January 6, 2014

APPRECIATING HUMANITY

xx"Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted." Aldous Huxley
I was thinking about how many little things are done for me by others. It made me realize what a great support system I have and how little I have respected it or was grateful. I didn't want to feel guilty which only sucks energy so I began to mull it over instead. I thought about how many times others call to check on me or my family, or offer to help me do things I can't handle myself. I thought about birthday cards surprise visits and friendly texts or e-mails. When I mention I am having a bad time at that moment in my life I am surrounded with support. It may not always come exactly the way I planned but it refreshes soothes and turns my day around. The mail person who waits for me to walk to my box instead of tossing it in because I am still far down my driveway took the time to acknowledge me as a person. The person in the grocery store who got me another carriage so my bags wouldn't spill out and then got a person from the store to wheel out the second carriage was awesome. Many times I like to get into the bathroom first in the morning and my husband never complains. I don't stop to thank him or others for the many nice things that are done for me. I say thank you at the time people do something nice but I don't really think long or deeply about how wonderful the kindness actually was. I know if someone is mean to me I review it and go on and on about it until I am sick of thinking about it. I just wondered why I couldn't savor the kind Acts longer than I agonize over the mean acts. Most people appear to be like me because they do not remember things I did for them yet they will give a noticeable face or remark if I have erred. I would like someone to explain why we think more about bad things than good things. It seems so ridiculous yet universal. I am beginning to think that it is why we fight with others and cut them out of our lives. It isn't because of the one small thing that they did to us. It is because we didn't remember all the wonderful acts they do that go unnoticed. Even my birds that come to the bird feeder give back more to me than I to them. They allow me into their world for awhile and they teach me about trust. I am so much larger than they yet they land in front of me without fear. They don't forget who I am or what I have done for them. Why do we as a species forget? I don't have the answer unless to say we like to argue and fight. I hope that isn't true but then one must ask how come so many people have problems with so many other people. It has to boil down to simply recalling the thoughtful moments we receive goodness. I need to be more grateful to the core. I need to start trying this today because my mail person just dropped my mail on the ground. I tell myself remember simply remember!
"Write your injuries in the sand and write your assistances in the cement." Anonymous

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

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