Delete Your Tallies

The trouble with relationships is we hide so much of our feelings. That is really not good. the relationships are not real if we pretend all is well. if you are unhappy, you need to nicely state your opinion. If after both of you support your own argument and it does not change each other's frame of mind then admit a stalemate hang on to your thoughts and move forward. In the future it is possible that either of you might change your minds but in the meantime accept compromise and respect of each other. When each of us can accept our differences and still be friends then we have acquired a genuine friendship and love. This is far better than to pretend we are on the same page at all times when it isn't the truth. We really would never be expected to see all things in the same way. Mothers-in-Law and Daughters-in-Law are from different generations. Respect and tolerate each other and refrain from the thinking that there is only one way. We don’t always understand why a person believes what they do. Just allow her and yourself to have your own thoughts. Judgment by a Mother-in-Law or Daughter-in-Law shouldn't be the focus. Agree to disagree. We only have power and control over our own thoughts and actions. This takes a chunk of time if we do it right. It leaves us no time to control another's thoughts and actions. That is a good thing. Let God be the judge. We can enjoy peaceful relationships knowing that God is the sole judge. We gain more support more love and more time. The choice here is a "No Brainer" as my kids would say. Enjoy the Holidays in peace and joy that is the real choice we have.

"While on a walk one day, I was surprised to see a man hoeing his garden while sitting in his chair. What laziness! I thought. But suddenly I saw leaning against his chair a pair of crutches. The man was at work despite his handicap. The lessons I learned about snap judgments that day have stayed with me for years now. The crosses people bear are seldom in plain sight." Annette Ashe Guideposts.

 

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Divorce At Any Age Hurts

I heard today from a young friend that her parents were getting a divorce. They had been married over 25 yrs. My friend is married yet so very hurt and yes traumatized. It might seem crazy but divorce hurts the children regardless of age. It brings it back to relationships and understanding. At times, we just don't understand an other's motives, words or actions. Many times we jump to conclusions that are not true. As a DIL I remember times when I felt the  cold shoulder from my MIL and I would think hard about what I might have done to cause it. Now that I am a MIL I wonder why my DIL's might be quiet. I sat down one day and laughed because it occurred to me that maybe they had just had a fight and their attitudes had nothing to do with me. We assume everything is about us. but if we reflect enough we realize that the world is not revolving around any of us. others are not pondering what we do or say. We should not take attitude to heart. It might be coming from so many places and our MIL and DIL relationship does not need this pressure. Believing we are on safe ground with our in-law allows us the freedom to relax and trust in the relationship. Entertaining thoughts of doubt breeds suspicion and doubt. If everything we say and do is never ever done with any malice or revenge, then we are secure in an honest trustworthy situation. Let the awkward moods pass unnoticed. We all have bad days.

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How To Give A Boot To The Bumps And Snags

Any relationship, whether we are talking marriage partners siblings parents or in-laws, requires patience, humor, and respect. The best of relationships have their share of bumps and snags. If we believe it is worth the effort we struggle through enduring a few pains along the way. The problem with the MIL DIL relationship is that sometimes a MIL or DIL doesn't recognize the importance of their connections. Mothers are universal. Raising children is universal. We all have those commom bonds. The husband/son is loved by both women. It's worth the effort to find a peaceful co-existence. The final result may often be that we actually like this person and enjoy this person. MIL and DIL may end up supporting and helping each other. That is really what life is all about. It is realizing we are in this together and any assistance we get is appreciated. Love makes one feel happy and comforted. Hate makes one anxious and angry. Indifference makes one lifeless and without stamina. Give love a chance to thrive and grow.

 "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." Martin Luther King

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Sagging Self-Esteem

Never use love as a tool of manipulation. A young man willing to please his  wife may unwittingly hurt his  mother. The same young man who has always consulted and trusted his mother's input may incense his wife who perceives his decision as disloyal to her. Again MIL needs to back off and DIL need to chill. There needn't  be jealousy between these two  important people. Both have a permanent place in his heart. One is a part of his past family and the other a part of his present family. Both can be a part of the future family.

"Does your self- esteem ever drag? Remember what you are worth." Max Lucado

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Always Question Assumptions

When viewing an issue from another perspective, we are given the opportunity to assimilate that viewpoint, and accommodate it through the eyes of our own experience. Each individual's circumstance is distinct. Each situation is likely to be distinct in certain circumstances, yet universal in other respects. More reflection leads to questioning assumptions. The Mother-in-Law Daughter-In-Law is a universal dilemma. It is an unintentionally significant relationship. It requires patience time effort and reflection. Jealousies need to be set aside. Control must be loosened and dropped altogether. judgments have to be rescinded. Compromise and tolerance is necessary. The relationship can be an evolving dream or nightmare. It really is up to the two women involved. Husband must refrain from involving their mothers in discussions and arguments. The  girl's mother must refrain from dumping guilt on her daughter every time she spends a happy time with her Mother-in-Law. Mothers-in-law should provide  space, acceptance of the amount of time she receives, and she must give her son wings to fly in his own direction, making his own decisions. His wife's mother must really do the same. Jealousy is common but can be overcome. Control can be released and power to live one's own life, is exhilarating. We can share in the lives of other people without overshadowing them. Stepping too far leaves us beyond the gate. Sharing within bounds allows us inspirational moments of time to add to our cherished memory banks.

"Real education should educate us out of  self,  into something far finer; into a selflessness which links us with all humanity." Nancy Astor

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Build a Positive Proactive Relationship

Strategies for handling the man in the middle begin with recognizing the controversy that manifests from this unintentionally significant relationship. It manifests in jokes smiles laughs ridicules and anger. There is no magic star dust or simple answers to this dilemma. But women can find an emotional equilibrium in their lives so that they both might be able to share the man they both love. When I first became a dil, I resented the constant attacks on my nursing abilities. "The baby is not getting enough food." was spoken to me a thousand times because my mil never nursed. It was frustrating. When I became a mil, I was sad that my dils, never asked for any advice. Being in a different seat in the car has given me an all  around perspective.

"He that cannot forgive others, breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass." Lord Herbert

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